31 December 2011

Changing of the guards

I've been thinking the last few days of what I wanted to write as my last post for 2011 and I'm not really any closer right now than I as before. But, that isn't going to stop me. Hah! (Mr Siili wouldn't be one bit surprised, as my not having anything "useful" to say hasn't stopped me from talking/writing before. *big grin*) I think I'll just jot down some random thoughts that are running through my head in hopes of clearing it out.
Another thing I've been thinking about is the old year vs the new year and what it all means. I'm not really sure I believe in this 'getting rid of the old one to greet the new'. Sure some pretty crappy things happened in 2011, but some great things happened too! If none of these things had happened, I wouldn't be who or where I am now. I'm reminded of the rhyme we used to sing at Girl Scouts or other places were we would meet new people for the first time.
Make new friends,
but keep the old.
One is silver,
the other is gold.
New Years will keep coming, but the past years matter too. Not much will change between today and tomorrow, except the year. (And Mr Siili's unemployment ending. Yay!). I still head back to work on Monday, my mom still won't be with us in the flesh and I'll still be stuffing progesterone suppositories 3 times a day where the sun don't shine (until further notice). I guess what I'm trying to say is that life continues on.
Speaking of suppositories, I think I've become quite proficient at putting suppositories where they belong. I think the reason I was getting so sore and my lady bits area irritated was from dryness. I started running my insertion finger under water quickly to get it wet just before inserting the suppository.  No more dryness and definitely less irritation and less desire to take a 1/3 of a day break from using them.
The fireworks have started! It is legal to set off fireworks from 6pm December 31st to 2am January 1st. Of course not everyone follows the rules and we've been hearing the random one now and then since Tuesday (when stores opened up for the first time after xmas). I used to love fireworks, until I had one explode at the back of my knees several years ago, now I dread them. I even cringe a bit at the very loud ones while inside.
My ears are bothering me. Quite often when the weather pressure changes, my ears act like a barometer and bother me (so the ear doctor told me when I was tested years ago). It sounds as if I have a paper bag over my head or maybe some wax paper over my ears so that as I breath or talk, the "paper" vibrates (kind of like a kazoo) and I can't hear as well. It's most often my left ear, but at this moment, my right ear is doing it too. It doesn't hurt physically, but it sure is annoying.
Mr Siili and I went food shopping this afternoon. Sheesh, there are a lot of people at the stores buying last minute party supplies and alcohol. After we were done shopping, I dropped Mr Siili off at home so I could go tank up the car (taxes will go up on gas next year). When I got home, he had started getting me some bread ready to eat and tea water boiled. How sweet!! Especially since I was STARVED!
Even after I ate my bread topped with cream cheese, pickle slices and cheese and drank my hot chocolate (tea came later), I was still freezing from being outside! So, I took a nice long hot shower. Aaaaaaah.

Which reminds me, I think pickles are something I'm craving at the moment, if it's possible to get pregnancy cravings already. Or maybe I'm just craving them as a normal person. For the last few weeks, I keep thinking of dill pickles and wanting to eat them. I mean, I normally like (specific) pickles and their juice, but I've been really wanting to eat them lately. Yes, I know many people are totally grossed out by pickle juice, Mr Siili included, but I just found out that my dad and I have only been ahead of our time.
Today is the day I'm going to start taking weekly pictures of my eventually growing belly. I've thought of this for years and now I finally get to do it! I still haven't figured out which top and shorts/pants I'll wear, but I'd like to try and wear the same thing throughout. Yes, I've thought about it that much.
I'm thinking I'll tell my side of the family either tonight or tomorrow that we're pregnant. I should have done it at xmas when everyone was there, but...I just didn't. Now I've got to see if I can get my brother and sister over to my dad's.
I tried to get my girlfriends together for a January get-together, so I could share our good news, but it doesn't seem like it'll work. I just don't wanna tell them via email, a text or over the phone. And I sure as hell don't want them finding out via Facebook. Although, a FB announcement is no where near yet. But I have been thinking that when I do a FB announcement, I'll mention that it's taken us 3,5 years and several IF treatments. Not that anyone really needs to know, but at the same time, I'm not hiding it and maybe it might help someone. Who knows. So, I don't know when I'll tell my close friends. And that kind of makes me sad. If they ask directly, I will tell them, as I did with one of them already. She asked the day I tested. (One other friend I told, because I need at least one close friend to talk with!)
I was cutting up an apple today to eat and a seed fell out. It reminded me of the ticker at the bottom of my blog and that it said our little one is the size of an apple seed. (Looking just now, it has grown to a sweet pea!) I can't wait to really start feeling pregnant. I also hope that Mr Siili and I can actually celebrate it at some point, soonish. I know he has been asking some questions (like how am I doing?), commenting and poking fun/joking like he does (when I showed him the apple seed, he said "and it takes up this much space" showing his hands at about the size of a grapefruit, to which I replied, "no, that's just fat").
Thanks for reading my ramblings. (Did anyone actually read this all?!)

Wishing you all a wonderful and happy 2012!

29 December 2011

Taking stock of 2011

As many blogs I read have pointed out, the end of 2011 is near and it is coming fast! I've also read several blogs that have taken stock over all that has happened this past year. I've never really done that, especially not on my blog. After thinking it over a bit, I've decided that I'd like to do that. So, here's what went down in 2011 in the life of me, JustHeather.

I started the year off on a downer. IVF #1 had failed early December and I was waiting until I could notify my clinic that I wanted to start round 2. I thought about acupuncture, going gluten free and trying out the Mayan Womb Massage. At the end of the month, IVF #2 got under way. Also, Mr Siili's job contract ended at the end of the year.

Mr Siili had his appendix removed and less than a week later defended his PhD thesis. We've got a doctor in the house! In other 'house-type' news, we signed a reservation contract for a house we were thinking of buying. After almost a year's worth of union negotiations at work, it was confirmed that my job was mine to keep, if I wanted it. I wanted it!

I was quite moody from IVF hormones. IVF #2 failed. But we did have 3 frozen (2 +1) embryos. I enjoyed my 1 week of winter holiday.

The stress before two weeks of strike from work caused my body to delay ovulation by 1 week.

I discovered Mel at Stirrup Queens! (My life hasn't been the same since, in a very positive way.) FET #1 starts. I survived mother's day and even had my ex's mom send me a very sweet FB message to tell me she's thinking of me. We signed the papers for our new place! It should be built in about a year's time. I changed my blog's name from Elämä Suomessa / Life in Finland to BattleFish. (I still like BattleFish!) I participate in ICLW for the first time. FET #1 fails. Got a 2nd monitor at work (I love having 2!!) and bonded with my big boss over IF, wanting to be a mom and her hysterectomy.

Attempted FET #2, naturally. My body didn't ovulate when it should have, so the FET was a no-go and thus started my 4 month summer holiday break from assisted TTC. Posted my 100th post. My cat, Sabby, that I got when I was 16 or so died. A week later my mom died of a heart attack and Mr Siili and I went to the US for her memorial. (I miss you, mom!)
I just couldn't resist sharing this cute Mansi & Rusty picture.
I was reeling with emotions over my mom's death, my mom never being able to be a grandma to my future kids and my inability to get pregnant. We observed the 1 year anniversary of the death of our cat, Kantti. Mr Siili and I celebrated 13 years of being together and 12 years of me living in Finland. I went to my first acupuncture treatment (ever). I turned 35 and had my first 'age' crisis.

Mr Siili and I celebrated our 5th anniversary of marriage! I enjoyed 3 weeks of summer holiday, in a row! We hit the 3 year mark in TTC. I left for Shanghai at the end of the month for a 2 week work trip.

I got sick in Shanghai and experienced a regular doctor and acupuncture treatment at a well known TCM hospital. I returned home from Shanghai (and I still haven't dealt with the pictures, bad me!). Cycle #40 started, which meant our 4 month "summer break" was finally over and FET #2 could start (natural cycle).

FET #2 took place and failed. Had some major break downs over my mom. Really talked with my girlfriends, it helped immensely.

IVF #3 started. On 11.11.11 I had my girlfriends over, it was cheap therapy and great chatting! Went to Breaking Dawn Part 1 with work friends. My body responded a bit too well to the hormones and retrieval (Nov 30th) and transfer (Dec 2nd) was bumped up twice. I had my first ever therapy appointment (not impressed). I got my RHCP ticket!

Progesterone suppositories, 'nuff said. Transfer was on the 2nd. Only one little embryo was frozen. I had my second therapy appointment (still not impressed). I really started trying to come to terms with the idea that I might not ever have kids of my own. Mr Siili had a job interview and they offered him the job! (He starts Jan 1st.) On December 16th, after almost 3,5 years of TTC, I got my BFP! We celebrated xmas at the in-laws, with no one the wiser about the bump I'm growing.

What a year! I have no idea what could be in store for us during these last few days of 2011, but I'm counting on them passing by relatively peacefully.

I'm eagerly looking forward to 2012, the Chinese year of the Dragon! It's my year! I also can't wait for my first ultrasound on January 9th. Stay tuned!

26 December 2011

Xmas 2011

Another xmas is done and over with. *phew* I'm not a religious person, so xmas doesn't mean anything to me in that sense, but I like the family part of it and the food. Especially since we don't have Thanksgiving here in Finland, I use our Finnish xmas as a way to eat way too much. LOL. This year though, I didn't eat nearly as much as I have in past years. Being pregnant has affected in regards to food. I can generally eat, but some things at some times just doesn't sound good. And I definitely can't eat as much or I just feel sick. I also have a difficult time with sweet things most often, which is quite sad, because I love sweet things!

I enjoyed the few days away from work, the laziness and relaxing at my in-laws, but as always, it is nice to be home once again. And it's back to work in the morning.

Here is how we spent some of our xmas at the in-laws.
Mansi chilling under the rocking chair where she can see all, yet still be ready to run after a toy or just run in general.

Rusty "shrimping" on the couch after the 'traumatic' trip to his grandparents.

Xmas tree, decorated by FIL & MIL. Santa had (mostly) arrived!
The sweets table.
Mansi being a typical kitty and attacking MIL's yarn. It was very cute!
Old man Rusty chilling on the couch with Mr Siili.
The stupid angel bell-candle thing that bing-bing-binged all through dinner.

The traditional apple-candle stand that is on our xmas dinner table. (The horses will be the apples in the end.)
Typical Mansi pose. She's always sitting next to toys and waiting to be played with. (Yes, I did play with her after I took the picture.)
Pieces of one of the puzzles we put together. We also played some games.
Finished puzzle. (I've outlined one of the funny shaped pieces.)
Beautiful sunny day today!! You wouldn't believe how windy it was outside. The power went out 3 times last night (maybe more while we slept) and was still out for many people today. There were trees blown down our entire trip home and even some power lines were down.

24 December 2011

untrained cats and dogs at xmas

 So, Mr Siili and I made it to his parents' house yesterday. The drive was uneventful and the cats were actually quite quiet most of the drive. It took Mansi and Rusty some time to calm down and settle in at this "new" place, but after an hour or two, all was well.

In the evening, I made choclate chip cookies, took a nap and then I just couldn't be bothered to do anything else for the day. We had take-away pizza for dinner and watched some TV.
Today, we had rice porridge for breakfast. It's a traditional food that can be eaten any time of the year, but usually during xmas. In Mr Siili's family, it is xmas eve's breakfast. Also, one blanched almond is put in the batch of porridge and the lucky person who finds it is supposed to have good luck the upcoming year. I didn't find the almond this year, but that's ok. :)

One of Mr Siili's sisters came over for some porridge and she brought her dog. Thankfully I heard her coming and was able to get Rusty holed up in a room (it was actually easy, because he was already sleeping in a chair there), but we didn't know where Mansi was. I asked the sister to wait a sec, but that lasted maybe 30 seconds and in came the dog. Two seconds later there went Mansi running past me and the dog close behind.

The sister said it was ok if the cats' claws were clipped. Uhm, sure, it might be ok for your dog if the cats' claws are clipped, but we'd still like to have cats after you leave. Alive and in one piece (well, 2 pieces, as we have two cats). So, we got both cats, their litter box, food and water in the same room and shut the door. Rusty didn't mind too much, as it was his nap time. Mansi, the ever curious and friendly one, just wanted to see what was going on. I moved a chair near the window so she could watch what was going on, but when the dog barked at her, she got a bit scared.

The sister and dog have left for a while, but they will be back for sauna and dinner. Same as last year, Mr Siili and I are left to figure out what to do with our cats. The dog is not trained at all and the sister gets upset when no one controls her dog or if her dog doesn't listen to her. *sigh* And the cats, well, they are cats and they are not trained. We'll either put them in a room again for the evening. :( Or, we'll put them upstairs and find a way to block the entrance and I'll be sitting at the bottom of the stairs to keep the dog from going up there. Mansi will get curious and come down the stairs to check out the main floor and it will rile the dog up. Mr Siili isn't too happy about either option, but less so of the later one. But I've got to do what I need to protect my cats. If I try to say something to the sister, it will most likely create an unhappy political situation and we don't want that now, do we? I totally forgot about this whole issue since last year, but I've got to remember it for next year. Who knows what next year will be like...

Anyway, I managed to finish baking the chocolate crinkles, coconut macaroons and assemble the pesto torta this afternoon (pictures later). My MIL and FIL have assembled the tree. The ham has been cooked (over night) and most other foods are ready, they just need to be re-heated and put in serving dishes. Pretty soon we'll go to sauna and then have our xmas dinner. After dinner, Santa will arrive with the gifts. Then we can all relax, play games, watch a bit of TV and sleep until we feel like getting up on xmas day.

23 December 2011

Xmas eve's eve

It's late and I'm exhausted, so a short post from me.

Tomorrow, Mr Siili, the cats and I will be heading to the in-laws for the next 4 days. I like my in-laws a lot, so it is generally nice to go and visit. I really want to tell them and my family that we're finally pregnant, but being that it is too early, we most likely won't, unless something happens that makes it necessary.

I still haven't gotten my act together and actually made the cookies I've been meaning to make for the last week. I did measure out the ingredients and put it in containers so i could quickly make them up once we reach the in-laws. But I have a feeling the 1,5 hour drive is going to drain me something fierce. (When I don't drive much, the longer than around town distances exhaust me.) Oh well...I can only do what I can do.

Most everything is packed, cats excluded. They'll be packed just before we get in the car tomorrow morning. They are so not going to be happy about this. Hah, same thing every time. Rusty lets us know most of the trip the indignities he's being put through and how undignified it is to be stuffed in a carrier and forced to ride in a car. Although, he does enjoy the end result. Mansi will squeak out a protest a few times throughout the trip, but I think it is more of a faux show in solidarity towards her bigger brother.

I'm planning on taking lots of pictures to share what a typical-ish Finnish xmas is like. Let's see if I can get that done. (I still haven't done a single thing about my Shanghai pictures from Aug/Sept!)

21 December 2011

December ICLW

Welcome to December's International Comment Leaving Week.

I hope your holidays haven't been too stressful so far and that you've managed to find some relaxing moments. This year, I did most of my xmas shopping by early September when I was in Shanghai on a business trip. It's be been nice not having to go out in the holiday shopping crowds. Plus, I'm not usually big on shopping in general (esp. when it comes to bras).
For those of you reading for the first time, here's a  bit about  who we are:
I'm 35 year old bean counter (accounts receivable specialist) and Mr Siili (DH) is a 37 year young doctor. No, not that kind of doctor! He has his PhD in computer stuff (that's the technical name for it). And he's just received a job offer after almost one year of being unemployed. We've been together 13,5 years, married 5,5 of those. This month we finally got our BFP from IVF #3 after almost 3,5 years of trying. I'm really hoping this little thing sticks.

When I'm not obsessing about IF, IVF, becoming a mom and more recently, being pregnant, I like to bake, read, do crafts and arts, play around online, snuggle my two cats and bug Mr Siili, among other things.

And something new for those of you who do follow me:
Yesterday's post was quite useless in my opinion, but I left it published once I put it out there.

I have not dyed my hair since February. The dark brown color that I had been dying it with for a while has faded somewhat. You can clearly see my own color and even the grey/very light hairs (they shine quite well in sunlight) on the top 6 or so inches. I haven't had my hair trimmed since late spring, which makes the length of my hair past my shoulders and still growing. I'm not sure when I'll get it cute next, nor what I'll do with it, but for now, it is just growing.

While Xmas is a quiet event here in Finland, unlike with my family in the US where we have a huge party on Xmas eve, I still look forward to it (usually). Our Xmas eve dinner here in Finland makes up for the Turkey-day meal we don't have here. (The Mayflower, Pinta & Santa Maria (is there more?) just didn't land here.) The left overs that last for days...I'm in heaven!!

I have the 23rd off from work this year, so Mr Siili, the cats and I will head to his parents house, as usual. His mom makes most of the savory foods, with some help from me and I make most of the sweet things. This year will be no exception. I'm planning on making chocolate chip cookies, coconut macaroons and I think Chocolate Crinkles.

Happy Holidays, whatever it is you choose to celebrate (or not)!
A picture of our boys years ago (Rusty & ^^Kantti^^).
I should try to get a new one with Rusty & Mansi.

20 December 2011

Random stuffs

Tuesday already, or is it again? Below is some random stuffs going through my tired head today.

-Mr Siili has an interview this morning. We're riding the bus together downtown, that's rare. But he won't talk to me much because he's not a morning person, more than I am not a morning person (I fake it quite well).

-Last night when I got home, Mr Siili told me his pants and shirt for said interview needed to be ironed. I replied that he'd better help me get it done before midnight because I hate ironing, esp last minute, at midnight. Guess when we I ironed his clothes, after he told me they didn't really need to be done! What kind of wife would I be to not get his clothes ironed?! Ugh.  (He read this over my shoulder as I typed it. "I'm such a martyr." Hahaha)
Later today:
-I'm totally freaking exhausted. I just about fell asleep while reading my book (Pride & Predjudice) on my phone at lunch. I also can't think straight.
-I'm also feeling a bit queasy off and on. Right now (15:45) is the worst it has been.
-I debated for some time whether or not I would join this month's  ICLW. In the end, I decided to sign up.
-Xmas shopping, making and wraping has been done since the weekend. (Really, I only had 1/2 of a gift to buy and 1 minute of the other half of the gift to sew.) I really should try to get the baking prep done soon. I'm going to make chocolate chip cookie dough and freeze it so it is easy to bake once we are at the in-laws. The coconut macaroons can wait until Thursday night to mix up and then bake at the in-laws. This year's new cookie recipe will be Chocolate Crinkles. (I reserve the right to change my mood.) I've seen them at a few different places and they look yummy.
-I'm very thankful Mr Siili went food shopping (we're going to have turkey tacos) so I don't have to deal with it today.
-I think I'm going to leave work early and go take a nap at home.

19 December 2011

January 9, 2012

3 weeks from today I will have my first ultrasound as a pregnant chick.

That is just not something I thought I'd be writing any time soon! After a year and a half of trying on our own, a laparoscopic surgery for endometriosis, several failed IUI's, 2 failed IVFs, 2 failed FETs, I finally managed to get pregnant!! That's 41 failed cycles; 3 years and 4 months of trying before it worked! I was honestly working on coming to terms with the fact I might not ever be a mom. I still might not be a mom, but for now, there is the possibility. The fact that I am pregnant (for now) is slowly sinking in.

During the weekend, Mr Siili asked if we could still "practice". I told him "of course" (if the progesterone doesn't kill it for me too much). But I'm not minding the progesterone suppositories so much now. Funny how it is all relative.

This 3WW is longer than a 2WW, but thankfully there is Xmas and New Year thrown in there to keep me busy. As an online friend said, I waited 3+ years to get a BFP, I can definitely wait 3 more weeks. I agree.

And now, after a long day at work, 3/4 of a BodyBalance class and almost 1/2 of a BodyCombat class, I'm off to bed!

p.s. Mr Siili has another job interview Tuesday morning! Things are looking up!!!

17 December 2011


Today has been a good day. I didn't quite think it would go that way because our cats kept waking us up throughout most of the night. They ran, they chased, they whined, they puked and they ran and whined some more. I was exhausted by the time my alarm went off this morning. But, I got up, took a shower and headed to my friend's house like planned. *warning - pregnancy talked about in the 3rd and 6th paragraphs down*

I had begged and bribed said friend to go to lunch with me as I had a coupon for lunch that expired next week. But she had already promised to make gingerbread cookies with her daughter, so I was invited to help and then we'd go to lunch after that.

My friend's daughter is so adorable! She's 2,5 years old and just as cute and sweet as can be. She also thinks I'm pretty cool. This little girl spent an hour to an hour and a half rolling out her ball of cookie dough, making cookies, scrunching the dough up and then repeating the process all over again. She also ate half her ball of cookie dough (~1/4 to 1/3 cup) during this time! lol. When I got bored of making cookies (yes, I got bored before the little girl) I just hung out and chatted with everyone. When the girl got done making cookies, she asked to help her put her new puzzle together (by way of her mom suggesting it). After the girl put 2-3 pieces together, she just told me to do it myself. lol.

It was around this time that the mom was taking pictures of the little girl. So I figured I'd show her some of my recent pictures. *grin* I handed her my phone and with some xmas decorations showing and told her to just scroll to the right to see more. After about 4 or 5 pictures came up the 3rd pregnancy test I took yesterday. M friend froze and then asked "What's this? What is it? Is it...?" and then she turned to me and whispered "Are you pregnant?". All I could do was smile (grin?) and nod. She started crying, which made me cry! lol. She was so ecstatic, which made me very happy. This friend has been there for me during all of this and more. She also told me early on in her pregnancy with her girl in hopes of making it a bit less harder for me to hear. (I'm forever thankful for that.) The rest of the afternoon she's just get this grin on her face and whisper "you're pregnant!". I'm truly glad so many others are this excited for me while I am trying to find my own excitement.

Then it was lunch time for the girl. She got a bit whiny (not that bad at all) because she hadn't taken a nap the day before (yes, the effect accumulates, I was informed). As the girl was waiting for her mom to bring her drink, she was just fussing and being tired. So, I sat with her and started feeding her. She can feed herself, but this seemed to make her happy and not whiny. Her mom just laughed when she walked back in the room. I ended up feeding the entire bowl of food to the girl. lol

After lunch, it was time for us all to get dressed and head downtown. The girl wanted me, not her mom, to help her put her clothes on. I told her she had to help me because I didn't know what to do. So, she laid on the floor with her feet up in the air for me to put her stockings on. After that, I tried putting her hat on backwards, her shoes on her feet and so on. She got pretty silly and wasn't so helpful, so I told her that I couldn't help her any more and it was time for me to put my own shoes on. I got one of my own boots on when she was serious enough to help me help her to get dressed. But not before she fully trusted me to catch her as she fell back on me, repeatedly. lol. This girl is so sweet! Did I mention how much she likes me? *beams proudly*

Two days ago, this wonderful and fun afternoon with my friend and her daughter would have left my heart aching for the possibility of what could be if only I had a child of my own. And now, knowing that I have something growing inside of me, there IS a definitely possibility of these events happening for me with my own child. (Don't get me wrong, I know anything can happen between now and 9 months, but I'm not going to worry or bother about that for as much as I can.)

The song below, Possibility by Lykke Li, has been in my head the last several days. I was listening to it at work earlier this week and I copied the words into a post for later. It didn't sit there for long waiting to be talked about, because I just can't get it out of my head. This is a beautiful and hauntingly sad song. I love it. The words, melody and voice just speak to me so deeply right now. 

Lykke Li - Possibility

There's a possibility
There's a possibility
All that I had was all I'm gonna get

There's a possibility
There's a possibility
All I gonna get is gone with your step
All I gonna get is gone with your stare

So tell me when you hear my heart stop
You're the only one that knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There's a possibility I wouldn't know

Know that when you leave
Know that when you leave
By blood and by me, you walk like a thief,
By blood and by me, and I fall when you leave

So tell me when you hear my heart stop
You're the only one that knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There's a possibility I wouldn't know

So tell me when my sigh is over
You're the reason why I'm closed
Tell me when you hear me falling
There's a possibility it wouldn't show

By blood and by me, and I'll fall when you leave.
By blood and by me, I follow your lead.


16 December 2011

I can't believe it! Those BFPs are mine!!!

I tested twice this morning and didn't or just couldn't believe that those faint second lines were actually BFP lines. They had to be evaporation lines (even though it had been less than 10 min since I tested).
On my way to work I went and bought a different kind of test and held my pee for the next several hours. But before I tested at work, I called my clinic to see what happens next if I am indeed pregnant. I told the nurse that I wasn't sure if the tests I did in the morning were positive or not and that I was going to test again later today. The nurse said I should just wait until tomorrow! As if I could do that!! I mean, I probably will test again tomorrow, but no way was I going to only/just wait until then to re-test.

I tried asking about betas being taken, but I have no idea what they would be called in Finnish, so I only mentioned blood tests. She said that a blood test would reveal the same results as a home test. When I explained to the nurse in more detail (using many small Finnish words) what I meant by 'blood test' and 'beta', she said they don't do that at this clinic, they have too many patients for that. I still have no idea if they do beta draws in Finland at all or if this is just a public clinic standard. Oh well, no betas for me. Well, unless I start spotting or there are other complications, then I'll get betas taken. Let's hope the later doesn't happen.

I was also informed to continue taking the progesterone (that I knew) and to call again on Monday with the "official" results. At that point, if I truly am pregnant, an appointment will be made in 3 or so weeks (January sometime) to see how everything is going. O M G! I would really have to wait that long to be seen? Oh well, that's how it is done at this clinic. If there is anything I have learned about IF treatments, they vary considerably from clinic to clinic and especially around the world.
And this is what I got when I tested just after lunch. A huge freaking BFP!!
I still don't believe! Or rather, I do believe it, but not really.

I know my news is going to be hard for many and for that I'm so very sorry. (I won't be offended or hurt (not much at least *hugs*), for those of you who need to un-follow me.) This isn't the end of IF for me and my struggles won't just go away. There have been way too many tears for all of it to just be forgotten. It's been almost 3,5 years that we've been trying to get even this far. This is just the beginning of a new phase in this whole 'trying to get pregnant' process and I know that nothing is ever certain. I've followed too many other IFers through their journey to know the facts of it all. This very well could end sadly at any moment. But, until something changes, I'm going to try and wrap my head around this new information and try not to offend too many. At the same time, know that this is my blog and my journey, I write here what I feel I need to. This blog has given me the outlet I've needed when things have been their worst (and best). Then, when I found this wonderful IF and ALI community via the Stirrup Queens' blog earlier this year, I just can't imagine my life without you all. Thank you for your support and kind words.
I can't believe I rambled on this much... (Mr Siili could.)

15 December 2011

One more sleep

It's been a pretty good day today, after I finally woke up. I've not been getting much sleep lately with going to bed late because we've been working on loan and insurance stuff and then waking up (too) early for work. Last night and this morning were no different. *yawn* But the day itself hasn't been half bad.

My lady bits were so raw and sore last night from the progesterone, I was ready to just stop taking it all together. I know, so close to the finish line, I could stick it out...but I just didn't want to. But I did! I did cheat a little and sort of "missed" one dose, but my lady bits sure are thanking me for it. And now, I've got just one more sleep before I can POAS, less than 24 hours (more like 14 hours) to find out it is a BFN and stop my progesterone! I'm so freaking excited!

In other news, Mr Siili had an interview today and HE GOT THE JOB!!!!! The company only sent him an email last night asking if he would be available for an interview today, but he didn't get the email until quite late. So he woke up early (for him) this morning and replied. The company called him back and he was in the interview by noon and called me by 13:30 telling me he had the job if he wanted it. I'm so freaking thrilled! I hope he likes the job!

I spent 2.5 hours during work today (on my own time) going to 2 different insurance companies and chatting with them. *phew*

And now, in 5 minutes, I'm leaving work to head to BodyCombat! It's been weeks since I've gone. There is a new program and I want to experience it a few times before my gym membership runs out at the end of the month. (Part of cutting back on expenses. My work has a gym downstairs with machines, but no classes.)

One last announcement. If you haven't signed up for this year's Creme de la Creme list, do it! Today is the last day (until 11:50 EST) to get your entry in the list that is published on January 1st.

14 December 2011

Thank you for the award (part 2)

The second award I was recently given is the Tell me about yourself award - Your blog is great! award. Just reading the name of this award makes me feel good. And I can't wait to pass this on, as there are many blogs that I love reading and following because I do think they are great.

This award was bestowed not once, but thrice! Unfortunately, one of the ladies didn't leave their contact info with me, so I can't link back to them. But the two wonderful lades I do have the scoop on are:
Pork chop at BIAGO - Baby, If All Goes Optimally, (recently got her BFP)
M at Sprout (recently married!)

Like the Liebster award, this too has some instructions to follow. This time I am to tell you seven things about myself that you may not already know and then nominate fifteen other bloggers in hopes that we can get to know them a little better too.
A little 7 somethings about myself.
1. I love drinking/sipping pickle juice (and olive juice) straight from the jar, but it has to be the right kind of pickles. Dill are the best!

2. I'm a bit ashamed that I haven't read more of the classics. Although, I'm reading Pride and Prejudice right now and I just don't get it. I mean, I get the concept, but it is so boring!

3. Usually when I do these sort of meme's, I ask my husband to help me tell stuff about myself. This time, I'm going to try and do it all on my own. . o O (This might take some time...)

4. I love being crafty with paper, cloth, ribbons and all that fun 'craft' stuff. I really should make more time to do it. Once we move into our new place next year (and no kids), Mr Siili and I will each have our own room to do with what we please. I can't wait to have a craft room!

5. Every night as I crawl into bed, I have to put on hand lotion (unscented) and chapstick (Lip Smacker is my favorite).

6. Ever since I got my tongue pierced when I was 18, I brush my tongue when I brush my teeth. If I can't remember if I brushed it or not, I've got to quickly do it (again).

7. When I was about 5 years old, my friend and I snuck out of the house on a warm rainy afternoon (in Hawaii) and did a rain dance for my friend's family's goat, Pearl.

Here are my choices (in no particular order) of blogs that I think are great. I mean, duh, why would I be following them if they weren't great?

1. The annoyed army wife @ the annoyed army wife
2. Baby Hopes @ Chasing Our Stork: From ART to Adoption
3. Sarah @ Dear Baby G
4. Marissa @  Eggs in a Basketcase
5. Diana @ Bun(less) in the Oven
6. Elaine @  Storm in MY Tea CuP
7. ♥ Cass @ One Day: I'll have my baby bump
8. Theresa @ Outlander Kitchen
9. Emily @ A peek into our journey
10. Bernadette  Duane @ Rasta Less Traveled
11. Cyn @ Cyn's Adventure in India
12. Hopeful1 @ Our Twisty Turny Journey
13. dcg @ Dead Cow Girl: Dominatrix Mommy Blogger
14. Jes G @ all i ever wished for....
15. Sushigirl @ Just us and the cat

Thank you for the award (part 1)

I've recently been gifted with two awards. I'm totally thrilled that someones (that is not a typo) have thought of me and passed these on in my direction. Thank you!

Thank you Cattiz from Colors of Cattiz for this Liebster Blog award. She's a fellow ex-pat to whom I feel a kindred spirit  (although none of the same countries are involved for us) and she is an IF'er who is lucky enough to be pregnant now! I wish her all the best!
 This Award is given to bloggers who have less than 200 followers, all in the spirit of fostering new connections. Leibster is German and means ‘dearest’ or ‘beloved’ but it can also mean ‘favorite’. The idea of the Leibster award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers.

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favourite bloggers and keep it going!

My top five picks (in no particular order) for this award are:
1. Kat - I'm very far away
2. Princess Jo - A Life of Choice
3. M - Sprout
4. Katri - How his knees could bend
5. Charlotte Jean - Charlotte's Web

12 December 2011

1 lonley frozen embryo + Xmas Quiz

I'm just so bummed right now, that I just don't have it in me to write a proper post. I got my letter in the mail on Friday that out of the 5 embyros we left growing the week before, only 1 of them made it to 5 days and into the freezer. One embryo! Only one! I'm so sad.

It's also only 4 more sleeps until I POAS. Time has passed..not slowly and not quickly, but just passed. Bleh.
Enough of this blah-ness, here's some fun xmas questions that the annoyed army wife recently posted that are sure to cheer everyone up, myself included. Hohohoho!

Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot chocolate, only because there isn't egg nog in Finland, unless I make my own and that is gross! I wouldn't drink much egg nog if I did get a hold of it, but a taste would be great. It's been way too long.

Colored lights on tree/house or white? None. We don't own any xmas lights. I do have puukynttelikkö (image below), which is a candelabra sort of thing that is very popular here in Finland. I just need to remember to dig it out of our closet and plug it in.
Xmas goats, Ms Mansi & puukynttelikkö

Do you hang mistletoe?  I don't think there is mistletoe in Finland. So, nope, we don't hang it here.

When do you put your decorations up? Uhm, when I have a kid. I almost forgot, I do sometimes make a gingerbread house. Below is last year's.
What is your favorite holiday dish? Do I really have to choose one? I love the rossoli salad (mentioned in this post), rutabaga and sweet potato casserole and all of the sweets! I also love my mom's pesto torta (recipe in this post).

Favorite Holiday memory as a child? Maybe the year all of us cousins were at grandma and grandpa's house for xmas. We saw Rudolf's nose in the distance, heard sleigh bells and hoof noises on the roof! It was so exciting!!

When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I have no clue. I just know that we had to pretend there was a Santa for our youngest brother.

Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Growing up, we'd get to open one smallish gift on xmas eve. In Finland, Santa comes on xmas eve (kids get to meet him) and leaves all of the gifts. So, we open them all on xmas even and sleep in on xmas day.

How do you decorate your Christmas tree? I've never had a tree of my own since I've lived away from home. I also don't care for decorating it, so my mother-in-law usually does it.

Snow! Love it or Dread it?  At the beginning of the season, I love it. Give me until January or February, I'll tell you a different story.

Do you remember your favorite gift?  The two toys that come to mind are the Rubik's magick, which I still have, anda Magical Musical Thing (mine was blue). You could play it with your head (running the bar/stick back and forth).
What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?  Sweets and more sweets! I make tons of different cookies each year. Chocolate chip are always there.

What is your favorite holiday tradition? Family time.

Candy Canes: Yuck or Yum? I can eat about 1 peppermint and that's all. Other flavors, I might be able to eat a few more. Although, you only find a few (peppermint) candy canes here at all.

Favorite Christmas movie? I'm not that big on xmas movies, but maybe The Snowman is ok.

Saddest Christmas Song?  One Tin Solder

What is your favorite Christmas song? See above. I think we sang this in elementary school choir and it has just stuck with me ever since. I love the story of it.