03 October 2011

Like a broken record

Why can't anyone see that the smiles don't go all the way to my eyes?

I can't seem to get my mom out of my thoughts for more than a few moments at a time. (Even when I do manage to be in the present and now with life, I'm reminded of her soon enough.) And really, there is nothing wrong with that, except that I find myself constantly sad. Random little bits just run through my head: I want to share the knitting pattern I saw the other day that I know she'd like. I have baby and "when I was young" type of questions I want to ask/know. The books she introduced me to (Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series) and the music she told me about (Adele's Rolling in the Deep) before I heard it anywhere else. These things just keep popping up in my head over and over and over again, just like a broken record.

In some ways, it reminds me of the time GCC (the coffee house I worked in for many years and loved it there) was broken into during the night. I was the first person to arrive at work in the morning (5:30am) and I noticed a rag knocked over and the back door was ajar. I called my co-worker who was supposed to come in next, but she was already on her way in, her husband told me. I told husband what had happened and he told me to get outside (with the cordless phone), call the cops and he'd be right there. The cops came and did their stuff before most of our morning customers arrived. We managed to make the door look normal until it could be fixed. But that whole episode shook my day (several days actually). I kept thinking about what had happened. How could someone violate our work space. Was it a regular customer? (I had my suspicions.) The cops had been there and not just for coffee and bagels (no, we didn't serve donuts, even after they asked. Seriously!). It was just a very strange and unsettling feeling. It felt like I had told every single person who walked into our coffee house that day: Hey, we were broken into last night! Surely our customers could see into my head and know what I were thinking. Couldn't they? In any case, it sure felt like they could. But I hadn't told anyone. In reality, the only people that knew were those of us who were there to open house, the cops, the couple of very early morning customers and other co-workers. (The bosses were out of town and we had no way to get a hold of them.) This whole episode kept playing over and over, just like a broken record.

I know that no one else is thinking about my mom. It has been over 3 months now. *sarcasm* I'm not asking anyone to think of her or be sad about her passing like I am. And I'm not sad every moment and not even every day. But there are times that I just can't seem to think about anything but my mom and how much I miss her! I am finding it hard to believe that no one seems to notice how sad I am on my really down and melancholy days. Am I really that good of an actress that no one sees it? I know my husband sees it because I wake him up in the morning with my sniffling and tears, I come through the door in the evening sobbing and upset (like tonight) and he gets the brunt end of my not so pleasant moods sometimes. (I'm sorry, Sweets.) But does no one else see it?!

I don't think my friends here in town (as opposed to my net friends) know how I'm feeling. One part is because we don't see each other so often anymore. Another part is because if/when I do see them, we just have so much to catch up on, there isn't so much time to be sad. And probably the biggest reason my in town friends don't know how I'm feeling is because I haven't told them. Again, I don't want to sound like a broken record and only be talking about my mom. Plus, I try to put on a brave face and down play things. I do the same with my fertility issues (with most of my in town friends them, except for the rare occasion), I just don't want them to worry and I don't want to be the focus of everything. I want to give everyone their fair share of talking time when we do get to meet up. I do realize that this last part is my fault, but it is so hard to open up sometimes. I don't want to cry in front of everyone all the time.

I really wish I had some sort of life lesson or something profound to say to end this post, but I don't. I just hurt and I'm sad and I miss my mom.