12 July 2011

grandma, mom, kids

First off, let me preface this by saying I know my blog has been a real downer lately. But I really need to work through my thoughts and feelings on losing my mom. I know that with time, wounds will be healed, or at least scabbed over a bit more, but right now these wounds are still so raw and the thoughts just won't stop going round and round my head.

As I mentioned of over at Mel's Lushary post, doing some of the most mundane daily stuff has become much harder since my mom died. Things like doing dishes, taking a shower, going for a walk alone and other brainless activities gives my mind time to wander. And when my mind wanders, it usually ends up on the subject of my mom. And eventually, if not immediately, my mind turns to kids and my lack of giving my mom grandchildren. Not for the lack of trying, but still, I wasn't able to give my mom any grandkids before she died. What's more, if I ever have any kids, they will never know my mom. And that's what this post is going to be about: my mom, her (not) being a grandma, me potentially being a mom and my potential future kids.

I know for a fact that my mom would have been a great grandma. How can I be so certain about this, you ask? Well, she played grandma to several other kids recently. At my mom's memorial, a girl that my mom had worked with has young twins came and talked to me. This girl told me that at a co-workers going away party, my mom sat with and played with the twins most of the party. She just loved holding them and entertaining them. Another friend of the family has a little boy and this friend told me that my mom was like a grandma to her kid. My mom was always nice to the little boy and gave him some of her knitted hats whenever they'd visit. My mom was supposed to do all of these things for MY kids and HER own grandkids. This will never happen now. And it kills me!

I also remember when I was 17 or 18 years old and someone we knew (I want to say it was a high school friend) was pregnant with her first kid. My mom went to the salvation army over several weeks and bought her 2 huge paper bags full of cute baby clothes! At the time, I was jealous of the attention my mom showed towards this girl. I know part of my jealousy was that my mom didn't want me having kids that young (she was 18 when she had me), but how could she support this girl who was doing just what she didn't want me to do? I also know/see (now) that we had a rough time in our relationship when I was younger. I know that my mom was just being the good and kind person she was. She helped others and she liked kids, especially when they weren't her own anymore and she didn't have to take care of them 24/7. LOL. But it still hurts that she'll never be able to do that for me.

For my mom to have become a grandma, it would mean that I would have had to be a mom. This hurts too. Hubby and I have tried for almost 3 years now (next month is the "anniversary"). Not a single BFP in sight, not even a false BFP or one that turned into a loss. Nothing! The only thing that I seem to be able to take comfort in my not being a mom before my mom died was that I finally started telling her what exactly we were going through. She knew about all of our failed IUI's, the two failed IVF's and failed FET. It was nice to talk to her about these things. Yet, there were and are still many things that I never got to ask and most likely won't ever find out. I'll ask my dad, but I doubt he'll know.
On a side note, my mom thought that maybe I should take out all my piercings. Maybe the metal bits were disrupting my body's normal flow of things. I told her I wasn't ready for that yet and besides, many Indian women have their noses pierced on the left side, as it is supposed to make childbirth easier. I'm still undecided about taking all of my jewelry out. I'd feel so naked and unrecognizable to myself.
I'm still quite upset that I was not able to be a mom before my mom died. She was supposed to come visit when I had a kid (she would have had 9 months to prepare, after all). She was supposed to be here and help me. She was going to come see me.

And then, there's my potential kids, some day. They will never get to meet my mom, their grandma. She will always just be stories, my memories, some words, a knitted hat or sweater and some pictures that we have laying around. But my mom will never be their flesh and blood grandma! (I know I have my stepmom. I am very grateful for her, but she will never be my mom.) This is not fucking fair!!

I wanted my mom to meet my kids. I wanted my kids to get to know my mom. I know that by living half a world away my mom wasn't going to see them every week or even every month, but we had Skype with a video (the video part wasn't yet set up, but that is beside the point). My kids would have gotten to know their grandma and we would visit. But now, that will never happen. Never! And it kills me. It is what eats me up inside the most. I'm not sure how to reconcile my thoughts and feelings about this. Will time just make it hurt less? Will I ever get over it? What do I do in the mean time? I'm tired of constantly going over all of these thoughts and scenarios in my head each time I have a quiet moment in my head.