End of ICLW and the work week

Friday is finally here! Saying "finally" makes it sound as if this has been a long week, when in reality, the days (and weeks) sure do seem to go by quite fast. I mean, it has been a bit busy at work this week, but still, it seems strange that Friday is here already.

-On Monday and Tuesday, we had internal auditing. Joy, oh, joy. I went to the gym for BodyBalance and BodyCombat.

-Tuesday I called the doctor to get a UTI prescription. (I think the meds are helping, but I still have pain every once in a while.)

-Wednesday, we had a going away lunch for a guy at work. His last day is Friday. I could say I'll be sad to see him go, but honestly this guy bugs the living day lights out of me. It isn't really so much of what he does or what he says, but just him. The whole package of himself. It will be different with him not there.

-Thursday, I went in to work a bit late because I needed to head to the bank in the morning. Banks are only open Monday-Friday 10am-4pm. Do you know how hard it is to get to the bank when you work? Sure, I can take time off, but often times the banks want you to do your business at the branch you opened your account at. Thankfully it only took me 20 min to withdraw money from one account (that no longer has net access, I didn't want to be charged the monthly fees), walk across the street to the other bank and deposit my money there. And I only had to wait 2 min for the bus to show up. Yay!

-Today, not much in the way of plans. I really should go to the gym today. We'll see if I'm still feeling UTI-ish or not.

-Saturday I have a costume part to attend. I'm not sure if I'll dress up as a black cat or fallen angel.
What do you think? Which one should I dress up as?

ICLW is wrapping up today. I haven't been the bestest about commenting this month, but I have posted most of the required amounts. I wonder if that is why I haven't received so many comments this week? In any case, just because ICLW is over, I don't stop commenting.

I hope your ICLW has been a good one. Did you find any new blogs to follow? Learn something new?
edited to add: I called the doctor because I was/am still feeling UTI-ish. He's called in a prescription for me and I'll pick it up after work.

Wordless Wednesday

Well, mostly wordless....

Our house (middle, left half) as of Oct. 16

When 2 hands aren't enough & proof that I changed my own tires on Sunday.

Mr Siili & I a few weeks back

A beautiful fall day (same day as above picture)

Why I bring random boxes home...

...easiest cat trap in the world.

little christmas dress, new winter tires and sex

What do the three of these items have in common? They are things that pertained to my weekend.

First, 'little christmas' in Finnish is pikkujoulu and it is what all the holiday parties are called before xmas. My work has their pikkujoulu mid-November and I was just planning on wearing the same little black dress that I wore last year, except I'd change the belt and tights. And if I didn't feel like wearing that, I always have the black floor length skirt from my wedding dress. But I'd need to find a top for it. I was in major luck on Saturday though. I went to the near by second had store (as if I really needed to be going there when I'd just managed to get rid of a bunch of stuff, that is besides the point) and found a very cute and stylish black dress for 1€. That's right, one euro for a cute dress and it fits!

Fall is here (that's an understatement) and winter is just around the corner. (It's surprising that we haven't had any snow here yet.) As such, winter tires are going to be needed very soon. That's all find and dandy, except my spare set of tires have always been stored at my in-laws, which is 1,5 hours away. And when it is poor road conditions, one doesn't want to drive with the wrong type of tires. Also, this year I needed new winter tires. I've never bought tires before and had/have no clue what is good or bad. I asked my father in-law what he recommended and he said he'd look and get back to me. He came back with a deal of 300€ for a full set of new(ly refurbished) tires plus the mounting and balancing on the rims. When I asked him where this deal was at, he said in his town, but that he'd get them all set up for me. How sweet is that?!?! So, anyway, I set up a time with my mother-in-law to show up on Sunday afternoon to get my tires swapped from summer to winter. I even changed the tires myself, with only a bit of guy muscle. Thank you Mr Siili and Father-in-Law! I'll have to get the pictures to prove it uploaded soon.

What I didn't mention, especially to Mr Siili, was that the front driver tire that got punctured by a screw this summer hasn't been holding its pressure to well lately. Hence another reason I was so eager to get my tires swapped. Also, Lydia is my car and my responsibility and Mr Siili wants nothing to do with it, but if he has to do something with it, I never hear the end of it. So, I knew that by getting new tires (without his help or knowledge), setting up to get them swapped (even though he did come for the journey and helped. I love him!) would get me brownie points. *big grin* And it was only as we were changing the tires, that I told his father about the leaky tire. *bigger grin* I'll be buying new summer tires come spring...

And the 3rd item on my list is sex. TTC our first kid for 3 years sure can take the sexiness out of sex at times. I know that around the 1,5 or 2 year marker Mr Siili did get quite upset and told me that at times he felt like I only wanted to have sex with him when it was time to try for a baby. While on some levels that was true, I didn't like it. Mr Siili and I have almost always had a great sex life. I decided that I'd make the effort to engage in playfulness, flirting and sex with my husband outside of the times when it was potentially possible to get pregnant. I also felt that once we started doing IF treatments, the times of "when" we could get pregnant were quite clearly defined, so we had all of the other times to play. It's still difficult at times to make sex what it used to be and what we want it to be, but all the hard work definitely pays off. *wicked grin*

All in all, it was a good weekend!

October ICLW

Welcome to another round of  ICLW. Can you believe it is October already! And it's two-thirds of the way over at that! Where has this year gone?! Wait, I know that answer: IVF #2, FET #1, summer break (from medical help TTC), a work trip to Shanghai, FET #2 and now waiting for IVF #2 starting next month.

I was thinking what I could say about myself for an ICLW intro that I haven't said before here, here or here and I think I've got it! Here are some of my hopes and dreams that I want for myself.

At the top of my list:
- Get pregnant (and have a child or possibly even children).

And in no particular order:
- Learn a new language. I speak Finnish and remember some words/phrases in Spanish. I think I'd like to learn Russian or Chinese.

- Travel more. I still need to visit Scotland, Egypt, Hungary and China for a second time.

- Learn to knit as well as my mom did. I know that means I need to just pick up the needles and try some patterns, but I haven't gotten there yet. For now, I'm just wearing the hats and scarves she made.

- Build an even better relationship with my husband, Mr Siili.

- Continue practicing Taekwon-do. I loved doing it, but with going to fertility treatments, I was concerned about hits and kicks to the stomach, so I've stopped for now. I will take it up again someday.

- Open my own coffee house / used bookstore. I think this will most likely stay unrealized, but that's ok, it sure is fun dreaming about it.

What is one of your hopes or dreams?

It has taken me over 24 hours to write this post. I started yesterday while I was at work and just didn't have time. By the time I got home from work, I was too tired to get on the computer and today (Saturday), I spent my morning trying to not get up and go take care of my friend's two cats, then at the thrift store buying 9 items of clothing for 9€ and finally Mr Siili and I watched some tv shows, which leads me to just now, at 7:30 pm, to just finishing up this post. Life just gets in the way sometimes, but that is ok, most of the time.

Oh For Fucks Sake Friday - Oct 21st

Sarah over at Dear Baby G has started FFS Fridays. And being that "For Fucks Sake" is my favorite swear word-combo, I just had to join in.

Without further ado, here are some things that have chapped my hide this week.

- Spotting. Do I need to really explain this one? Anyone who is TTC doesn't want to see this! Yet, it seems to happen month in and month out. I hate spotting. FFS

- I thought maybe the BFN late Friday night was too early to test, so I tested again Sunday night, with the same results. FFS

- I'm stupid-upset-raging-crying-hormonal and Mr Siili sees fit to pay more attention to his game Eve Online than me on Tuesday evening. So, I cried. And when I started crying, I thought about my mom, and how I still wasn't pregnant and how I hate my life and and and... FFS

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
-Albert Einstein

- Yup, that's why I tested a 3rd time Wednesday morning. As if the first two BFN weren't enough. FFS

- I get to work Wednes-morning and AF arrived in full force with vengeance and bad cramps. Not sure what I did to deserve that, but it happened. This day just wasn't being nice to me. After lunch I was hunched over my desk in pain, the big boss walked by and asked how I was. I told her "in pain because of cramps" and started crying. I cried in her office for a while, but at least I felt a bit better afterward. FFS

- I was so busy getting ready for work this morning and thinking about my friend's cats that I need to check on before work that I forgot to put my rings on!! I never forget to put my rings on! My fingers are now naked for the day. FFS

- I also forgot my work keys at home and had to return and get them after taking care of the cats. So, I was later at work that I wanted to be. FFS

So, what are your FFS Friday gripes?

Creme de la Creme 2011

The 6th Annual Creme de la Creme list has opened today for submissions!
I've submitted my best* post for 2011, have you?


This will be my first year participating in Mel's (over at Stirrup Queens) Creme de la Creme. What exactly is this list, you ask? As Mel put it so well on her announcement post:

...we all have a best post tucked into our archives. We all have words that have moved another person or ideas that have kicked off a series of musings. Bloggers are writers, and all of us deserve to be celebrated.

So there you go, we're celebrating everyone's best post for the year 2011 from the ALI community. That includes you! Click on over and submit what you feel is your best post this year (after you have read the rules).

The Best of the Adoption/Loss/Infertility Blogs of 2011

*Best is a relative term. It's what you think is your best post up to this point in 2011. The criteria for making it a best post is up to you. I chose mine because when I think of it, I really put myself into it and I think it was well written. Someone else might choose a post that (for example) received a lot of comments, showed who they really are, was beautifully written or any numerous other reasons that makes a post your best.



p.s. I even donated a couple of the prizes!!
Below are some examples of the items I donated: booksmarks, glass jewelry and keychain / phone charms. (These are some examples and may not be the exact items for the prize.)

CD1 with the Witch of the West

Today marks CD1 of Cycle #41.

I've had telltale signs that the Witch of the West (AF) was on her way since last Friday or Saturday, but she didn't show up until today. And man oh man was she Wicked! AF arrived mid-morning and by lunch time I was all but doubled over in pain. I took 2 pain killers after lunch and sat at my desk hunched over trying to get some work done. I know I looked miserable, as I had all day, but my big boss walked by and asked if I was ok. I whisper-talked and said I had cramps and that I was in pain, a lot of pain and then I started crying. She asked me into her office (which is conveniently behind my desk) and there I cried more and we talked. I do have to say that after a big hug, some more crying and talking I have felt better the rest of the day. Not 100% better, but better than I was before it all. The pain killers finally kicked in too!

I know I've been quite hormonal these last few days. It hasn't been pleasant waiting for the Wicked Witch to make her appearance. After testing late Friday night and again on Sunday night, both BFN, I knew for sure she was on her way. I also was stupid enough to waste a 3rd test this morning, because AF hadn't shown, just yet. The only comfort I have in testing was that they were dollar store cheapies from the US instead of the more expensive ones from Finland.

I called the clinic to set up my next appointment to get IVF round #3 started. I believe we will be doing a long protocol cycle (antagonist?) and retrieval/transfer will be week 50 (the week before xmas). I'll be seeing the doctors next time in 2 weeks from now at the beginning of November. Let's see what happens.

 

In other news, I decided this last week that I need to get back into the habit of going to the gym again. I've been so lazy the last several months (4 months or so) and I think it shows. I don't like the little tummy pouch and love handles that I have at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm overweight or fat, but I definitely could be more trim and fit. Losing a couple of kilos or centimeters from the waist in the process would be great. I know it is possible to get my tummy into the shape I want and enough to see the muscles move when I flex a bit or do a belly roll/side twist-stretch.

To help me with going to the gym more and also so I don't have an excuse to not go to the gym as often, I've asked Mr Siili if he would take a more active in food shopping and preparation. Quite often when I go to the gym, I don't have time to go food shopping before the stores close. And if we don't have food, I feel the need to go food shopping before the gym and I then lose out on the gym. So, if Mr Siili will help me, I can go to the gym more! Mr Siili will also benefit by my hard work too as I know he liked it when my tummy was in a better shape. Me too!

A good think that happened today was our work team event. We went to dinner at the Wild Boar and then glow-in-the-dark bowling. It was a lot of laughs with a good group of people. I also drank 2 ciders! Yes, I had alcohol! And no one said a thing about me having a drink (I guess it is usually when a woman doesn't drink that it gets questions though, eh?), although I am sure my former Team Leader knew what was up. It definitely was a good evening and let me forget my worries and hormones for awhile.

Opposite of Squeeee!!

What's the opposite of Squeeee? Anti-Squeee? Or maybe it's Un-Squeee? In any case, the emotion that is the opposite of Squeeee is just sadness and bleh.

Friday during the day, I had a spot of very light pink/brown discharge on my undies and on the toilet paper, once. I decided I couldn't wait until Saturday morning, so I POAS'd late late Friday night and got a BFN. I stopped using the progesterone suppositories because I figured AF would be on her way soon and I was really sick of the suppositories. It was very nice to go all day Saturday without anything leaking from me! So much so, I even thought of trying to get Mr Siili in the sack with me for a bit of wiggling. It didn't work, but that was ok. I just had a very lazy day instead and read a book, most of it while I was in bed. I did go out in the evening with some girls from work. We played pool and then had dinner. It was an enjoyable evening. I think I had maybe 1 or two tiny, almost non-existant AF spots during the day, so I really thought AF was on her way.

By the time I woke up and stopped reading in bed on Sunday, AF still wasn't here, I decided maybe I should still be using the suppositories. Maybe it was too early to test on Friday night. In went the suppository and out came leakage tinged pink/brown and nothing else. And now, here is is Sunday late afternoon, and still no AF. I'm not sure what to make of it all, except that I feel like I am in limbo and I am progressing into a sad state of mind.

I don't know how much longer I can take this month after month of disappointment. Yet, I fear (know?) if I don't continue, I'll never get to my goal of pregnancy and an eventual baby/child. Infertility sucks! I feel alone, even if I rationally know it isn't true.

I still have a couple more days before Wednesday, which is the day the clinic says I can test, so we'll see, but I am NOT hopeful at all. To top it all off, my neck decided to spasm and kink yesterday just before I went out. Now it is stiff and hurts, again! I'm going to continue reading now.

Friday 5: Out of place

This week's Friday 5 intrigued me and I think it'll be fun. It also reminded me of the Sesame Street song "One of these things is not like the others". Anyone remember that?

1. What non-food items are in your refrigerator or freezer?
In the fridge we I have progesterone supositories and in the freezer we have a cold pack for sprains and injuries.

2. What non-book items are on your bookshelves?
Some knitting needles and yarn in a basket and some craft supplies.


3. What song or album in your music collection doesn’t fit in with your usual tastes?

I listen to quite a range of music and don't generally limit myself to one type of music. If the lyrics, tune or feeling of a song grab me, then I like it even if I don't like the rest of the songs in an album or by an artist. But, I think the stuff that surprises most people about me is the industrial rock or heavy metal music I listen to and love. I remember the time I told a couple of guys at school that I really loved Machines of Loving Grace. Their eyes just about bugged out of their heads. Tee hee!! The song, Butterfly Wings is probably my all time favorite! The tune and especially lyrics just get me.
I also have a few albums of Kotiteollisuus. They are a Finnish heavy metal band, but I really like a few of their songs, such as Minä Olen (I Am) and Kevät (Spring).

4. What item in your wardrobe really doesn’t match anything else?
I recently took a bunch of stuff to the thrift store, so most of what didn't match is now gone and the rest of it is costume clothes (they match anything!). Maybe it would be the silky-stretchy-skin-tight white shirt that is way too short with black dragons on it. I have maybe worn it once about 15 years ago, but I just can't seem to part with it. It has recently made its way into my sewing box to be up-cycled into something else.

5. What scar on your body did you receive in the unlikeliest of ways?
I think this is a tie between two scars: the bump on my inner right wrist and the scar on the top of my left foot just behind my middle toe.
The bump on my wrist happened one evening at Taekwon-do practice a year or so ago. I was holding the mitsi (er, the kicking/punch pad) for my partner to kick and she kicked to far over the thing and her big toe hit my wrist. It must have broke the blood vessel as it started turning color and itching immediately! I had a beautiful bruise for a week or so and then a bump.
The scar on top of my left foot happened many years ago. I must have been 18 or 19 at the time. My ex and I were heading out to the sand dunes where there is a fresh water lake. On our way there, I stepped on a stick with my right foot and kicked my left foot into the end of the stick, causing said stick to protrude out of my foot. It hurt so freaking bad that I started laughing. And each time my ex's hand came anywhere near my food, I panicked and laughed more. Yes, I laugh under stress and pain. I finally pulled the stick and bits out on my own because I couldn't handle the thought of him touching it.

Squeeee!!

Things that make me happy right now: I have 34 followers!! It's Thursday evening and tomorrow is Friday. At work tomorrow we have an ice cream social-event (organized by me). And I still haven't tested (8dpt3dt).

On a different note: I've been so bad lately about replying to comments. I love every single one of them! My plan is to reply to them this evening (it is after 9pm already), if I don't fall asleep first.

7dpt with 3 day embryo

Everything seems to be a bit brighter and easier for the last few days. I'm "blaming" it on the girls brunch out on Sunday. I definitely feel better after talking to them and just hanging out. I hope we can do it a bit more often.

Today is 7dpt with a 3 day embryo. But I wonder, because it was frozen, does that mean it is now a 4 day embryo? I did think about testing this morning, but I didn't. I just didn't feel like putting a possible damper on this decent mood I've been having. And in any case, the doctor told me to wait until next week's Wednesday to test. That's a-whole-nother week away! I'm not sure I can wait that long, but let's see what happens. I do suspect AF will show this weekend (unless I do happen to be pregnant), as this has been a natural cycle and my natural cycle should end this weekend.

I've been thinking of "a day in the life of me" via photos for a little while. And that is what I did that today. The pictures are taken with my ZTE Blade phone-camera, so many are not of the best quality, but I like the way they have turned out anyway. I hope you enjoy!

Good Morning! A promising beautiful autumn morning.

Mansi (and Rusty, not shown) is watching for birdies in the bedroom.

Rusty needing a bit of mama-love before she heads to work. (Notice I have one sock on, one sock off.)

Leaves frozen on the roof of my car this morning. First freeze of the year in my town. Brr!

This photo was an accident, but I love how it turned out anyway. Behind the wheel, and no, the car isn't on yet.

Waiting for my chiropractor. I've been going to this same guy for 13 years now, I love him!

My work space. I know it's very blurry, but it looks cool! Plus, I can't be sharing an work secrets now, can I?

After work I checked the air pressure in Lydia's (my car) tires. See her red spot? I love her red spot. I should blog about it how Lydia got her spot.

After purchasing a couple of new post stamps at the post office, I wandered around the crap-shop to see if there was anything new. There was a mix of Halloween and Xmas (front right). I didn't spend a cent! So proud of myself.

Pizzer for dinner! Unfortunately, both Mr Siili and I were disappointed in the new pizzas we tried this evening. :(

Rusty almost always greets and talks to me when I get home in the evening. Tonight was no exception, except for what he was talking about: holes in his (food) bowls. It is a serious matter and offense if there is a hole in his bowl, much less both bowls. Here is Mr Siili remeding the problem while I am trying to "set-up" a photo shoot about it (in his words). LOL

And now for a bit more Jasmine green tea and a bit of reading, then it's off to beddy-bye. (See my pj pants and Shanghai hotel slipper? *grin*)

Brunch with my girl friends

Lately, I've been having a rough time with life, missing my mom and how long it is taking to get pregnant. You can see some of this in two of my recent posts: here and a little bit here. About a week ago, I decided I couldn't handle keeping all of my thoughts and emotions to myself (and Mr Siili) anymore. I am a social person and I haven't been talking much or sharing much with my girl friends. Sure, I've told them about the good times and the happy times and a little bit about my sad times, but not nearly enough of it all. So, I sent an email to my closest 4 girl friends and asked if they had time to meet up sometime in the near future. Lo and behold, we (4 out of 5 of us) managed a Sunday brunch get-together in under a week!! I sent the first email Tuesday night at 10:51pm and today we met. That almost never happens! I feel much better after today's gab session, even if we did cry a bit.

We enjoyed an amazing buffet brunch with the sun shining on us.The food was plentiful and yummy. I had 2 huge plates of food (fruits galore, meat, mashed & wedged potatoes, mushrooms, olives, shrimp, crawdads, sun-dried tomatoes, etc) and a slice of cheese cake and carrot cake for dessert. (It's now 8pm and I'm still not really hungry.) While we ate and for a while after, we caught up on each others' lives. All the good stuff, first. Before I could get my courage up and truly say what I needed to say, one friend had to leave, as she lives in another town. I was very glad that she joined us, but I'll have to talk with her more at a later date!

Then when it was just the 3 of us, the talk turned to a bit more serious note. That's when I felt it was time to let them know how I've really been feeling lately. I told them that I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I need my friends and I need my friends to be there for me, as I want to be there for them. My friends are my (chosen) family, especially when my blood family is half a world away.

These two friends of mine not only listened to what I was saying, but they understood what I was trying to get across! It wasn't just me pouring out my heart ache and sorrow and a bit of happiness too, but they shared their aches and pains also. It went to show, like it has been coming more apparent to me lately, that we as humans all have these burdens that we either feel aren't worth it to share with others or we don't want to make our burden someone else's burden. Some of the things my friends shared just broke my heart, but I am better for knowing that they put enough trust in me and our friendship to share. I also feel lighter for having shared my own sorrows. I truly hope we can continue in this vein and call on each other when we need it most.

Today was a perfect autumn day: a chill in the air, sun, friends, food and chat.

Flea market stuff

I'm a pack-rat. I've been a pack-rat all my life, so my mom has told me so. I've never denied it either. I like to keep things for the memories attached to them. I also like shiny little things with which I just might need for that craft project some day down the road. However, I have learned to curb my desire and the necessity for junk I might need, or not, someday. For the most part these days, I do pretty good about passing it all up, mostly. I don't think I'll ever be able to get rid of the pack-rat tendencies fully, but I am definitely much better than when I was younger.

In my desire to get rid of a bunch of the stuff I don't need around our house, I've been collecting it in our downstairs storage area for the last, oooh...5 or so years. This summer I brought it all back up stairs and into our kitchen with the intent of taking it to a tailgate sale or an outdoor summer flea market, but I never got my lazy butt in gear and now summer is over and it just isn't feasible to try that outside. I also thought about taking all our junk to an indoor flea market, where someone owns the store and individuals just rent a space for a week or two. After a lot of wishy-washy indecision on my part, I finally decided last weekend that I just can't be bothered with that either. So, next Saturday (tomorrow) I am going to take all of the stuff that we've I've gathered over the years to either UFF or The Salvation Army.

Most all of this stuff I am more than happy to get rid of. I haven't used it in years and I am very sure I won't be using it again. Mr Siili will also be happy that I've finally gotten rid of some stuff. Especially now that it has been sitting in our kitchen this entire summer. *big grin* It will also feel great to be lighter (with less junk) and fully have my kitchen back. But, there are a few things I'm having troubles parting with. There are some jeans that are BRAND new! Seriously. Mr Siili bought some jeans (from the US) and then once we got home (in Finland) decided he didn't like how they fit and he wasn't going to wear them. There has got to be somewhere I can take them to get a bit of money out of them. There is also some pants and jackets that my mom and stepmom made for me one year for xmas. I helped choose the material and patterns and they made them. I unfortunately, just never really wore them. Even before my mom died, I was having a hard time with the thought of getting rid of them. But now that she is gone, it's even harder. What do I do with them?! Logically, I know I don't want to keep them, but sentimentally I'm having a hard time with it.

Thursday Thoughts

Lots of little things to blether about today.

- Steve Jobs died last night. While I didn't know him and I don't own any Apple products, it is sad. I am especially sad for Mel's son Wolvog, as I know Steve Jobs was his hero.

- I bought some blackberries, raspberries, blueberries and a pomegranate today.

- I told my team leader at work that if this cycle doesn't work out, I'd be doing another round of IVF and most likely need week 50 off. And even if it can't be worked out for me to officially take the last week of my summer holiday, I'd be taking that week off against my own hours, with a doctor's note. (Legal to be off work with the dr's note, but work doesn't have to pay me.) I also told her how I'm having a hard time right now, with my mom's death and IF all mixed into one big ugly thing. I cried a bit and she hugged me. I like my team leader and I'm sad she'll be another team's leader for some time.

- Today I bought Red Hot Chili Peppers' newest album "I'm With You". I ♥ RHCP!!

- I started using progesterone capsules last night and sheesh, they are messy! Either that or I'm not inserting them correctly. I've previously used a synthetic progesterone called Lugesterone. It had a capsule-shell and made insertion a bit easier, but I was allergic to it and the white creamy stuff that leaked out of me was hideous! At least now it is mostly just wet..but way too much! I hope it'll get better as time goes on. LOL, yeah, right!

- I grumped at Mr Siili a bit when I got home because he didn't get off the computer to come greet me. I'm sometimes jealous of the time he spends on his computer games.

- I talked to my dad this evening. He was sitting in the woods, with his brother and a friend waiting for the deer to walk by so they could shoot one (several?) and go home. I wish him luck and safety! I also told him how much I've been missing my mom lately. I love my dad!

- I also talked to my sister this evening. She got a bit upset when I tried to be the big sister and be concerned about her getting a job and being able to pay her bills. I told her I care about her and I worry about her. I just want the best for her and I know she can do more, if she wants to. We both miss our mom. We also tried talking via Skype on both of our phones, it worked! I hope we'll chat more often, for free! I love my sister.

- I tried calling my brother, but he must be at work. I worry about him too. I love my brother.

- I didn't call my youngest brother, as he's probably in school. Nor did I try to call my stepmom. I not entirely sure she really meant that the past was the past and that she isn't mad/upset at me anymore. I'm not mad at her, I just want to talk to her. I love them too.

- Today was an ok day and tomorrow is Friday!!

- I'm going to meet up with some girl friends on Sunday for brunch downtown. I really need the girl-time. I'm also going to let them know how rough things have been for me lately. I'll take plenty of tissues for all of us.


Thanks for reading my blethering.

FET is a go!

As I was on my way to the chiro this morning, I got a call from the clinic. They called me! (That isn't so common here, at least not for me.) The lady told me that she has good news: my embryo survived thawing. I have no idea how many cells it is or any other details, but I don't really care at the moment.
I am now in the waiting room with a full bladder. I'll update this after the transfer and I go pee.

Update:
The transfer went well. My 8-cell embryo didn't lose any cells during the thaw! Woohoo! It's a great start already. *big grin*

My bladder was sufficiently full. I've actually never had any problems with that, even the time I forgot to have a full bladder and madly drank water while waiting for my turn. The catheter-thing to direct the embryo to my uterine lining was not pleasant at all this time! It's never "nice", but this time it really pinched and was painful. But once the doctor got it into place though, it wasn't as bad, just a constant pinch and nothing I couldn't handle for the short amount of time. I was in (the procedure room) and out in about 10 minutes.

Now it's just time to wait to test in 2 weeks. I am really going to try and hold off on testing. LOL. Let's see how I feel closer to the date.

If this doesn't result in a BFP, I'll start a long protocol IVF #3 with ICSI at the beginning of November.

FET tomorrow

Tomorrow is the scheduled date for my FET for the last lonely (ok quality) embryo, if it survives the thaw that is. I don't think the clinic will call me if it survives the thaw or not. Most likely, I'll just be told if the transfer is a go or not when I call in the morning to find out the more exact time of when I'm supposed to head into the clinic.

I also have a chiropractor's appointment in the morning. My neck has been locked up and hurting something fierce lately (since while I was in Shanghai) and it just won't quit. I love my chiro! On a side note, I have read that it has been beneficial to many women to go to acupuncture before and after an IUI, IVF or FET treatment. I wonder if the same could be had with going to a chiropractor? At least, I know I feel wonderful after my chiro appointments. My whole body just feels lighter and un-locked.

Let's see how tomorrow goes...

Like a broken record

Why can't anyone see that the smiles don't go all the way to my eyes?

I can't seem to get my mom out of my thoughts for more than a few moments at a time. (Even when I do manage to be in the present and now with life, I'm reminded of her soon enough.) And really, there is nothing wrong with that, except that I find myself constantly sad. Random little bits just run through my head: I want to share the knitting pattern I saw the other day that I know she'd like. I have baby and "when I was young" type of questions I want to ask/know. The books she introduced me to (Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series) and the music she told me about (Adele's Rolling in the Deep) before I heard it anywhere else. These things just keep popping up in my head over and over and over again, just like a broken record.

In some ways, it reminds me of the time GCC (the coffee house I worked in for many years and loved it there) was broken into during the night. I was the first person to arrive at work in the morning (5:30am) and I noticed a rag knocked over and the back door was ajar. I called my co-worker who was supposed to come in next, but she was already on her way in, her husband told me. I told husband what had happened and he told me to get outside (with the cordless phone), call the cops and he'd be right there. The cops came and did their stuff before most of our morning customers arrived. We managed to make the door look normal until it could be fixed. But that whole episode shook my day (several days actually). I kept thinking about what had happened. How could someone violate our work space. Was it a regular customer? (I had my suspicions.) The cops had been there and not just for coffee and bagels (no, we didn't serve donuts, even after they asked. Seriously!). It was just a very strange and unsettling feeling. It felt like I had told every single person who walked into our coffee house that day: Hey, we were broken into last night! Surely our customers could see into my head and know what I were thinking. Couldn't they? In any case, it sure felt like they could. But I hadn't told anyone. In reality, the only people that knew were those of us who were there to open house, the cops, the couple of very early morning customers and other co-workers. (The bosses were out of town and we had no way to get a hold of them.) This whole episode kept playing over and over, just like a broken record.

I know that no one else is thinking about my mom. It has been over 3 months now. *sarcasm* I'm not asking anyone to think of her or be sad about her passing like I am. And I'm not sad every moment and not even every day. But there are times that I just can't seem to think about anything but my mom and how much I miss her! I am finding it hard to believe that no one seems to notice how sad I am on my really down and melancholy days. Am I really that good of an actress that no one sees it? I know my husband sees it because I wake him up in the morning with my sniffling and tears, I come through the door in the evening sobbing and upset (like tonight) and he gets the brunt end of my not so pleasant moods sometimes. (I'm sorry, Sweets.) But does no one else see it?!

I don't think my friends here in town (as opposed to my net friends) know how I'm feeling. One part is because we don't see each other so often anymore. Another part is because if/when I do see them, we just have so much to catch up on, there isn't so much time to be sad. And probably the biggest reason my in town friends don't know how I'm feeling is because I haven't told them. Again, I don't want to sound like a broken record and only be talking about my mom. Plus, I try to put on a brave face and down play things. I do the same with my fertility issues (with most of my in town friends them, except for the rare occasion), I just don't want them to worry and I don't want to be the focus of everything. I want to give everyone their fair share of talking time when we do get to meet up. I do realize that this last part is my fault, but it is so hard to open up sometimes. I don't want to cry in front of everyone all the time.

I really wish I had some sort of life lesson or something profound to say to end this post, but I don't. I just hurt and I'm sad and I miss my mom.