Opposite of Squeeee!!

What's the opposite of Squeeee? Anti-Squeee? Or maybe it's Un-Squeee? In any case, the emotion that is the opposite of Squeeee is just sadness and bleh.

Friday during the day, I had a spot of very light pink/brown discharge on my undies and on the toilet paper, once. I decided I couldn't wait until Saturday morning, so I POAS'd late late Friday night and got a BFN. I stopped using the progesterone suppositories because I figured AF would be on her way soon and I was really sick of the suppositories. It was very nice to go all day Saturday without anything leaking from me! So much so, I even thought of trying to get Mr Siili in the sack with me for a bit of wiggling. It didn't work, but that was ok. I just had a very lazy day instead and read a book, most of it while I was in bed. I did go out in the evening with some girls from work. We played pool and then had dinner. It was an enjoyable evening. I think I had maybe 1 or two tiny, almost non-existant AF spots during the day, so I really thought AF was on her way.

By the time I woke up and stopped reading in bed on Sunday, AF still wasn't here, I decided maybe I should still be using the suppositories. Maybe it was too early to test on Friday night. In went the suppository and out came leakage tinged pink/brown and nothing else. And now, here is is Sunday late afternoon, and still no AF. I'm not sure what to make of it all, except that I feel like I am in limbo and I am progressing into a sad state of mind.

I don't know how much longer I can take this month after month of disappointment. Yet, I fear (know?) if I don't continue, I'll never get to my goal of pregnancy and an eventual baby/child. Infertility sucks! I feel alone, even if I rationally know it isn't true.

I still have a couple more days before Wednesday, which is the day the clinic says I can test, so we'll see, but I am NOT hopeful at all. To top it all off, my neck decided to spasm and kink yesterday just before I went out. Now it is stiff and hurts, again! I'm going to continue reading now.

7dpt with 3 day embryo

Everything seems to be a bit brighter and easier for the last few days. I'm "blaming" it on the girls brunch out on Sunday. I definitely feel better after talking to them and just hanging out. I hope we can do it a bit more often.

Today is 7dpt with a 3 day embryo. But I wonder, because it was frozen, does that mean it is now a 4 day embryo? I did think about testing this morning, but I didn't. I just didn't feel like putting a possible damper on this decent mood I've been having. And in any case, the doctor told me to wait until next week's Wednesday to test. That's a-whole-nother week away! I'm not sure I can wait that long, but let's see what happens. I do suspect AF will show this weekend (unless I do happen to be pregnant), as this has been a natural cycle and my natural cycle should end this weekend.

I've been thinking of "a day in the life of me" via photos for a little while. And that is what I did that today. The pictures are taken with my ZTE Blade phone-camera, so many are not of the best quality, but I like the way they have turned out anyway. I hope you enjoy!

Good Morning! A promising beautiful autumn morning.

Mansi (and Rusty, not shown) is watching for birdies in the bedroom.

Rusty needing a bit of mama-love before she heads to work. (Notice I have one sock on, one sock off.)

Leaves frozen on the roof of my car this morning. First freeze of the year in my town. Brr!

This photo was an accident, but I love how it turned out anyway. Behind the wheel, and no, the car isn't on yet.

Waiting for my chiropractor. I've been going to this same guy for 13 years now, I love him!

My work space. I know it's very blurry, but it looks cool! Plus, I can't be sharing an work secrets now, can I?

After work I checked the air pressure in Lydia's (my car) tires. See her red spot? I love her red spot. I should blog about it how Lydia got her spot.

After purchasing a couple of new post stamps at the post office, I wandered around the crap-shop to see if there was anything new. There was a mix of Halloween and Xmas (front right). I didn't spend a cent! So proud of myself.

Pizzer for dinner! Unfortunately, both Mr Siili and I were disappointed in the new pizzas we tried this evening. :(

Rusty almost always greets and talks to me when I get home in the evening. Tonight was no exception, except for what he was talking about: holes in his (food) bowls. It is a serious matter and offense if there is a hole in his bowl, much less both bowls. Here is Mr Siili remeding the problem while I am trying to "set-up" a photo shoot about it (in his words). LOL

And now for a bit more Jasmine green tea and a bit of reading, then it's off to beddy-bye. (See my pj pants and Shanghai hotel slipper? *grin*)

FET is a go!

As I was on my way to the chiro this morning, I got a call from the clinic. They called me! (That isn't so common here, at least not for me.) The lady told me that she has good news: my embryo survived thawing. I have no idea how many cells it is or any other details, but I don't really care at the moment.
I am now in the waiting room with a full bladder. I'll update this after the transfer and I go pee.

Update:
The transfer went well. My 8-cell embryo didn't lose any cells during the thaw! Woohoo! It's a great start already. *big grin*

My bladder was sufficiently full. I've actually never had any problems with that, even the time I forgot to have a full bladder and madly drank water while waiting for my turn. The catheter-thing to direct the embryo to my uterine lining was not pleasant at all this time! It's never "nice", but this time it really pinched and was painful. But once the doctor got it into place though, it wasn't as bad, just a constant pinch and nothing I couldn't handle for the short amount of time. I was in (the procedure room) and out in about 10 minutes.

Now it's just time to wait to test in 2 weeks. I am really going to try and hold off on testing. LOL. Let's see how I feel closer to the date.

If this doesn't result in a BFP, I'll start a long protocol IVF #3 with ICSI at the beginning of November.

FET tomorrow

Tomorrow is the scheduled date for my FET for the last lonely (ok quality) embryo, if it survives the thaw that is. I don't think the clinic will call me if it survives the thaw or not. Most likely, I'll just be told if the transfer is a go or not when I call in the morning to find out the more exact time of when I'm supposed to head into the clinic.

I also have a chiropractor's appointment in the morning. My neck has been locked up and hurting something fierce lately (since while I was in Shanghai) and it just won't quit. I love my chiro! On a side note, I have read that it has been beneficial to many women to go to acupuncture before and after an IUI, IVF or FET treatment. I wonder if the same could be had with going to a chiropractor? At least, I know I feel wonderful after my chiro appointments. My whole body just feels lighter and un-locked.

Let's see how tomorrow goes...

CD13 and a better day

aka Thankful Thursday

Today is CD13 of my cycle and also the day I was told to start POAS to test for O. After all the trouble I went through to get the pee-sticks yesterday, I had to test one last night. Besides, what girl can resist peeing on a stick when it is in her vicinity?! I know it was late (midnight) to be testing and that I wasn't going to test that late the rest of the time, but I just couldn't help it. The test line was quite faint, but it was there. Today though, the test line was much darker, but still not darker than the control. Fingers crossed for a darker test line tomorrow or this weekend so I can call the clinic to schedule my transfer for next week.

I know yesterday's post was quite horrible, dreary and just down and out negative. That was exactly how I was feeling though. Today, on the other hand, has been much better. While I've still had a few small bouts of sadness, I've been much chipper and in a pleasant mood. I actually meant my smiles when I smiled today.

I'm not quite sure what got me into my horrible funk yesterday. Sure thinking about and missing my mom can do it. So can upcoming O-time hormones. But I really don't know what triggered it, nor why it wouldn't go away the entire day. Bleh.All I know is that I'm not feeling that way today and for that I am very thankful!

In honor of feeling perkier and it being Thursday (for 37 more minutes), here's a few things I'm thankful for at the moment:
- Mr Siili cooked dinner before I got home, so all I had to do was re-heat it.
- I had 2 tv series ready for me to watch this evening. (Again, thanks to Mr Siili.)
- I had a snuggly kitty on my lap while watching my shows.
- I stayed 2 hours extra at work (boo), but I feel confident that I've sorted the customer's account out much better than it had been in ages. One more thing to cross of my to do list!
- It's Thurs-night! Only one more day of work until the weekend.
- I wore my new bra today and it didn't bug me once! It also has a cute little jewel right in the middle.
- I'm going to bed now! I'm aiming to be in bed and asleep before midnight.

Next step: natural FET, if all works out

I called the clinic yesterday to see where this cycle stands. Since I didn't start any meds on CD1 (didn't have a prescrip), by default this cycle and potential FET will be au natural. I have mixed feelings about this because the last natural attempt didn't work because of timing. MRJ, on the other hand, will most likely be happy about this cycle being (more) natural so he can 'test' to see if it was him or the clinic to get me pregnant, if it happens that is. I'm sure he will think it all his doing, which who knows, maybe it would be. I really don't care how or what gets me pregnant, only that it happens. In any case I will go into the clinic next Monday (CD10) for an u/s and to see what happens next. I'm pretty sure I will get to POAS and hope for a positive O indication.

On a different yet similar topic, my heart just sunk today during a meeting at work. I was sitting across the table from one of the married girls (P) and I noticed that her breasts look quite full and once I noticed that, I thought her tummy could be also. I don't make a habit out of staring at other women's boobs and stomachs, but this just happened into my sight and mind. I also think this came about as another co-worker (G) told me a while ago that her and a couple of others were betting (not seriously, I hope) on who would be pregnant by this year's xmas party. I told G not to hold her breath on me being pregnant by then. And in a very, very selfish way, I hope P isn't pregnant either. No more work pregnancies before me!!

No FET this month

I got (what I think is) a positive OPK last night and again this morning, but the clinic is counting yesterday's OPK as the day in which to count from. It would mean my FET would have happened on Monday, but no one is in the office on Sunday to thaw my lonely embryo. So, no FET this month.

Now, if I would have not tested yesterday in the evening or just not have said anything to the clinic, they would have gone by this morning's +OPK and I would have my FET on Tuesday. Doh! Hindsight is 20 / 20.

I am quite sure I have ovulated today. I've felt pinchy-twingy-pangs on my right ovary area off and on during the day. At one point they were much stronger than the rest. Now, my right side is just tender and a bit crampy. It almost feels as if I was kicked in the ovary. I manged to talk hubby into a BD session last night and I've almost extracted a promise for another tomorrow (Friday). Not that I really have any hope or expectations that this cycle will be any different than the previous 35 cycles, but you can't blame a girl for trying. Plus, I love my husband and I love being intimate with him!

I'm not too sad about the FET not working this month as I was already prepared for a summer break. The FET would have just been an added bonus and also allow us to start 100% fresh in the Fall. Now, we'll have this one lonely embryo to try an FET with before going onto IVF #3. I've been in a good frame of mind for the last 2 or so weeks. I hope I'll be able to continue this feeling of positivity and goodness. Having +25-30C degrees of wonderfully amazing weather right now doesn't hurt either! (I'm so not cold! Even my feet are warm.)

Happy start of summer to all!

CD10

 I went to my PGH appointment today to see about doing a FET with a natural cycle this month and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it all. I mean, I was feeling quite positive and upbeat the last week and a half. No stress and just going with the flow. As I was leaving PGH today, I sort of felt a bit down and not as upbeat. I guess we'll just have to see how things go, won't we?

Anyway, first thing was first at the appointment. I was asked when AF arrived (10 days ago) and if I was taking Zumenon (no, this is a natural cycle).  I was then told/asked to de-robe my lower half and hop up on the table. The doctor spent forever with the magic wand up my lady bits. Seriously, she was looking and looking at things for close to 10 minutes. Usually the doctors only look for a minute or two tops! It seemed there was lots to look at.

I have several liquid filled cysts on my right side, but thankfully they are not endometriosis related. The doctor wasn't so concerned about them. She thinks they might be left over from last cycle. The bummer part of having all of these little cysts is that they look a maturing egg. Some of them were definitely too big to be an egg, but she wasn't able to tell if one of the others was a normal sized maturing egg or if the egg was one of the smaller ones, thus meaning O won't happen for longer. On the left-hand side, there is my endometrial cyst. It is still right around 2cm, which is good. If it grows too much more (up to 3 cm?) I'll have to possibly go in for surgery again to remove it. The doctor commented that my lining was a bit thin at 6,6 - 7,4 mm. When asked I was told it should be closer to 1cm. My lining being thin is common for me. Sad, but true.

After my uterus was studied so intently and I was able to put my clothes back on. The doctor and I discussed my plan of action this month. For the next 5 mornings I will take an OPK to see if it is positive. If it happens to be positive tomorrow, this cycle is out the widow this month for the FET as the transfer would need happen next Monday. And the FET can't happen on Monday because they would need to thaw the eggie the day before and PGH isn't open on Sundays. The rest of the possible +test/transfer days are: Thurs/Tues, Fri/Wed, Sat/Thurs and Sun/Fri. If I don't get a + OPK at all, the cycle is out of the window. The doctor said that since this is a natural cycle they need to have a +OPK test to proceed. As my body will have to produce the FSH hormone on its own. I'm sure my body will ovulate, but I'm not sure the tests will pick up the hormones to give me the positive I need.

Finally, I asked some questions that I'd been thinking about lately and I got some answers, but not a lot. First, I asked what will happen if this FET doesn't work and we head into our 3rd IVF. What happens? She said that the nurses, doctors and lab tech-doctors will have a meeting to go over past treatments and make a plan of attack for the up coming cycle. I'm not sure if I (and hubby) would be involved in this meeting or not. If the 3rd IVF fails, I'm not sure if I'll get a 4th chance via PGH (public health care) or if I'll have to start with a private clinic and more expenses.

Second, I asked what blood tests I have had done and if there are any more that I could have done. I've had HIV, Hepatitis B & C and Syphilis test done, all negative of course. And then this year I also had an endometriosis growth blood test done, or at least something along those lines. And in any case, the results came back normal. The doctor did prescribe one more blood test to be done: AMH, which is Anti-Mullerian Hormone. I wasn't sure what this was, so I had to Google it. From my new understanding it is a test some doctors use as an indication of ovarian reserve or function. I'm ok with that test.

Third, I mentioned my discomfort and almost pain in my lady bits after stopping Lugesteron when I get a BFN. The doctor said that the symptoms I described are not unheard of. She then went on to ask if I have any allergies to nuts. I told her I don't have allergies per say, but I do find that I have irritations to. (Does having an irritation-reaction count as an allergy? Even if I haven't been diagnosed with a 'nut allergy'?) So, she wrote me a prescription for Progesterone to try next time around.

Fourth, the doctor put us in line for our 3rd IVF treatment to tentatively start during week 36 (September sometime).

So, to sum up this very long post.  If I get a +OPK in the next 2-5 days, I'll call the clinic and go in for a FET. If I don't get a +OPK, hubby and I will have to time our own IC and life will continue like normal this summer. If the FET doesn't happen this month, our next appointment would then potentially be sometime in August, depending on if I happen to be in China during the important time of my cycle.

Thank you to those of you who managed to read this far.

It's been a few bleh days

It's been a few days since I've written anything, but that's not to say that I haven't had posts going through my head. When I got home from work on Monday, hubby was was in a right foul mood. It put be in a not so good mood either. I ended up going for an almost 6km (3,7mi) walk, talking to a good friend, on the phone, along the way. I ended up where our new place is being built and then I took the bus back home. Hubby and I didn't really talk the rest of the night. He was still grumpy Tuesday, so I tried to stay out of his way. I didn't see him at all on Wednesday, as I left for work before he woke up and he was at a friends house until the wee hours of the morning today. Today has been a decent day though. We've both spent most of it in bed reading. It's helatorstai aka Ascension Day and it's a public holiday. I honestly don't know what it is for as I'm not a religious person and I'm tired of looking it up each year what it means. So, if you don't know what it is and want to know, you've got to Google it for yourself.

I did call the clinic on Monday and I have an appointment for next week's Tuesday (June 7th). I'm positive I'll have an ultasound to see where my body is in terms of ovulation and if/when we can thaw and transfer our last little lonely embryo. This cycle will be natural: no stims, no hormones, just timing. I'm not sure if I'll need to do progesterone suppositories or not, that'll be something to ask next week. I'll also be asking what blood tests have been done (yeah, I know, I just never asked and went along with what they told me to do) and if there are anymore tests we could do that might shed some light on why I'm still not pregnant. I will try to not stress and not worry about this cycle, especially as I don't really have much hope for it already. (I think this 'no hope' thing has to do with infertility wearing me down.) But it sure seems silly to leave that one lonely embryo there. And, I'd rather start with a fresh IVF cycle after the summer.

Starting cycle #36

Spotting started yesterday evening, with more flow at night and AF is fully here today. This makes cycle #36 for us. I'll call the clinic tomorrow to let them know and I'll also ask about getting the lonely frozen embryo transferred during this natural cycle. It will all be up to timing (like always).

I've got cramps. I've taken some painkiller, but I've still got cramps! Normally I have very minimal cramps and they only last the first day. If these continue for much longer or stay this bad, they are definitely worse than what I normally have and I think it will be due to the Zumenon.

It's cloudy, windy & rainy outside. It seems fitting for today.

It's what I expected, but it isn't all so bad

Today marks 2 weeks since my first FET and the day on which I could officially test. And test I did. It was a BFN. Not that I expected anything different. Of course I am sad, but not sad enough (yet) to cry or be too depressed. Mostly, I'm just sadly aware that another month and another cycle has gone by and I'm still not pregnant. I'm also sad that I don't feel I really have a chance of getting pregnant until sometime in the fall. The reason being is that the clinic I go to closes down for the month of July (summer holiday). And being that this is the end of May and they want me to do a natural cycle before attempting any more hormones (I think because of the Zumenon, which builds endometrium lining + me having endo), I won't be able to do anything until they get back from holiday in August. Then it also depends on when and where my cycle falls and when my turn in the IVF waiting line comes up.

Although this is a semi-sad-feeling day, I have much to be thankful for:
- I had a hair appointment (wash & trim) today. It now looks so pretty.
- I took Lydia (my car) to her yearly mandatory inspection. She passed with flying colors. The only comment was that I need to get new tires (already been planned) and to drive extra carefully when it rains before that.
- I managed to get done with Lydia's appointment earlier than expected/planned, so I was able to eat lunch (chicken soup) and make it to an important meeting at work!
- 12 hours after my last suppository and Zumenon pill, I'm feeling quite crampy, but thankfully I have pain killer! (I fear this will be a killer period and I almost never have painful periods, which is why I think my endo wasn't diagnosed earlier.)
- I was going to put going to the gym on this list, but I just don't feel like it. I think I'll go buy me some chewing gum and a new toothbrush instead.

Name change

 I did it! I've changed the name of my blog from 'life in finland - elämä suomessa' to 'BattleFish'. I've been thinking about this for quite some time and even more so the last few days. The previous name just wasn't me. It never really felt right, nor did it encompass what I wanted. Yes, I'm still living in Finland and I don't see that changing (ever), but my life and what I am blogging is more than just being in Finland. Lately most of my posts have to do with my husband's and my journey TTC #1 (from my view point of course). But I also blather about my friends, family, daily events, thoughts, feelings, Finland and really, just whatever is happening in my world and head at the time.

This new name has a lot more meaning to it on several levels. First, BattleFish is a nickname my husband calls me sometimes. Especially when I'm in a contrary and bratty mood. He'll usually call me this when my bad-moodedness (new word) is not fully serious, but yet nothing he says or does is right and I just want to pick a fight or at least bicker. Hubby can tell me I'm being a BattleFish and it will most likely make me smile and then make it hard for me to continue on in the same manner., especially when I know I'm being a bratty. Now, if I'm truly in a fowl mood, this will only anger me more. Secondly, when I started thinking of the word(s) BattleFish, I am battling. I'm battling to get pregnant, battling to start a family, battling to keep my sanity, battling to just be me and to be happy with it. Thirdly, I quite like the name. It's cute, but not in a girly way.


The only thing I'm not quite sure I like with this new look is the background design and color. It might change in the next few days.

And on to other stuff...
This morning (afternoon), when hubby and I woke up, we laid in bed for a while discussing our cat game that we are designing. This game has been something that we've been discussing and designing for some several years now. I do hope we'll finish it someday and actually publish it.

Once we got out of bed, we went to look where our house (duplex) complex is going to be built. Right now, it is just a roughly leveled area of land. It was hubby's first time seeing it. Yes, we signed papers for the place before hubby even went to see where it was going to be built. He knew the area, but just not what it exactly looked like. He said the area for the complex is small and possibly cramped. :( It does sort of look that way, but I am confident it will be ok. In any case, it will be ours and we'll only share one very well insulated wall with someone.

Today is 4dpFET. I'm still taking Zu.menon (estradiol hemihydrate) and Lu.gesteron (pro.gesterone) 3 times a day. The pills don't bother me, but sometimes I just really can't stand the suppositories. (Do you think it makes a huge difference if I "forget" a suppository every once in a great while, just to give my lady bits a break?) I don't seem to have any of the side effects people talk about. I admit, I had to google what sort of side effects are common, as I really just don't feel anything at the moment. No sore boobs, no bloating, no more irritation or irritability than normal. For good or bad, I just feel like me.

To finish this post and evening off, hubby and I are watching the Finnish-Swedish world hockey championship. Go Finland!!!

If they only knew... (or CD9)

They, being my mom and stepmom. The two of them are quite against HRT and yet here I am taking Zu.menon, an estrogenic hormone that stimulates the growth of the lining of the uterus (called the endometrium). I know I am not using this as a HRT drug, but rather to enhance the hormones (or lack of?) I do have to make a nice and cozy home for a future embryo. At least I hope that is what is happening. I also know that I am not taking this on a long term basis, but it still makes me wonder what "they" would think in any case.

I have a clinic appointment this Friday to see how the Zu.menon is working and what's going on with my body. This will be my first FET (frozen embryo transfer), ever! It will also be the first time I've been back to the clinic since the failed IVF attempt #2 in March.

Sorry in advance if the text below is a bit muddled and confusing, that's just the way my thoughts are on this topic at the moment.
I am excited to be able to try again to get pregnant, but at the same time I am a bit concerned about the amount of stress I am feeling right now. Since last night's little "sadness" attack came about, I've still been feeling off and teary today. Then mid-day today, to make matters much worse, the union I belong to announced that there will be a strike starting tomorrow morning at 6am (and lasting until Saturday at 6am) at my work if there is no agreement made or another time set for a new resolution session. (We've been without a working contract since the end of March.) No agreement was reached regarding pay and the pay arrangement, nor was a new date set for the next session, so the members of the union at my work are going on strike. This is an illegal strike as it was only announced today and not 2 weeks ago (by law). I'm still irked by the strike we had last month for 2 weeks and the upcoming strike next week (legal) for 2 weeks. (Two other companies are on strike this last week and this week.) I've already lost 2 week's pay and 2.5 holiday days for April! And now the union is asking me to not work for these 3 days and then go on strike again for two more weeks?! I'm upset and stressed!! For the first strike I figured that I am a member of the union and I did what I felt was right and went on strike like a union member should. I mean, why join the union if you aren't going to support them like they support you, right? (Right?) But this is just ridiculous! I'm not really sure our strike actions the first time around really sent a strong message. There were enough people who didn't go on strike and were working during those 2 weeks, that the work got done. While those workers didn't do my job perfectly (like I do. hehe), they were doing it well enough that the major part of it was done.I feel that this is only hurting myself and the other strikers. Our bosses can't be looking favorably upon us, even if they can't do anything to us because of our actions to follow the strike. I still feel like crap and stressed beyond belief! Again!!

Although, since I made the decision later in the day today to leave the union and not go on strike tomorrow or next week, my stress level has gone down some. I only hope it is enough for my body to be a happy calm place for a FET.
Trying to think happy thoughts.