beating loneliness with mom & baby groups

Sitting at home day in and day out with my lovely little boy is not something I can do. I'd go cabin fever crazy! I NEED to interact with other people, especially those who can actually talk. During the first 2 months of Paxlet's life, I was content with making trips to the store, meeting a friend or co-worker for lunch downtown and on the rare occasion, hooking up with a friend to hang out, Paxlet always in tow. But I still needed a bit more than that.

Close to Paxlet's 2 month birthday, neuvola scheduled a group neuvola meeting where the moms who had approximately 2 month old babies got to meet up. I mentioned this event back when it happened and I'm still of the same opinion of it: not much will come out of it in terms of meeting other moms that might become friends to hang out with. As such, I've taken matters into my own hands.

Paxlet and I started testing out different mom & baby clubs/groups this last month. There are many places and organizations that offer weekly events for moms to attend with their babies, toddlers and young kids (under school age). Each of these places are slightly different from each other, but generally with the same idea. So far, we've tried out a few of these groups. We've been to some at the Mannerheimin Lastensuojeluliiton (MLL) (Mannerheim Children's Protective Services), the local Lutheran churches, from the city and an international group (privately run, but open to anyone). If Paxlet and I want, there are enough groups happening during the week (Monday through Thursday) that we can go to a different group each day, sometimes more than one each day, if we want.

There are two MLL groups we have gone to so far and one more that I am thinking of checking out. The first MLL group is for moms and babies under 1 year old. It lasts for 2 hours, but you don't have to stay the entire time. I like this group quite a bit for the main fact that all the kids are under a year. It is also quite nice to be with other moms who are on their first kid; the same situation as me. The second group I tried out just this past week for the first time and I'm not too sold on it. It is closer to home, but it is for kids of all ages and not very organized. Also, there is no sort of program, so everyone just runs around as they wish. Not that that is bad, but it is a bit crazy.

We've been to two different church groups, one a 5 minute walk from our home and the other a 45 minute walk (although, we go there by bus). The church groups are more meant for slightly older kids, but everyone is welcome. These groups are quite organized with an opening prayer, a couple of songs/hymns, a biblical story and then one more prayer before the older kids run off to get some juice and cookies. Then the kids either have a craft to do, especially if there is a holiday or event coming up, or they can play. During snack and play time, the adults (mostly moms, a couple of dads, grandmas and nannies) get a snack of their own and a chance to talk. Then the last 15 minutes, of the hour and a half, is spent with everyone together again singing and acting out some songs. I like these groups decently well, even with the churchy stuff.

The international group is the only one where I speak English, as some of the mom's are from other countries (and might now speak Finnish) or their partner is from another country. I like this group, because I can speak English, but there is no program whatsoever and some of the kids are a bit unruly, not to mention LOUD.

Now that we've tried some of the groups, I thinking of which ones I would like us to go to regularly. I also hope that by attending some of these groups a bit more, I will find a couple of moms who would like to meet outside of the groups for some play dates. I just worry that many of the moms will shy away from me because of my less than native Finnish speaking skills, even if I do speak and understand the language quite well. In any case, these groups are definitely helping to get us out of the house, give me some adult conversation and beat loneliness.

Paxlet's grandpa and aunt coming to visit

I can't remember if I've mentioned it or not (and I'm too lazy to go look), but my dad and sister are coming to visit at the beginning of December! That's right, Paxlet is going to meet his grandpa and aunt on my side of the family for the first time! I'm so freaking thrilled that they are coming! They'll only be here for a week, so we're going to have to pack a lot of stuff into that short time.

This will be only the second time anyone from my family has come to Finland in the 13 years I've lived here. The last time was 12 years ago when my grandma (dad's mom), dad and sister visited. My mom said she would visit if I ever got a child, but she didn't live to see this happen. So, having my dad, and sister, visit is the closest I'm going to get to that. This makes their visit all the more important and exciting.

I knew that when I moved half a world away to be with Mr Siili that it would be harder to see my family. I also knew my family doesn't travel much and that it would be and has been up to me (and Mr Siili) to go visit them. I've known this all along. But, now that Paxlet is here this reality is hitting me harder than I thought it would be. I'm coming to realize just how little Paxlet is going to see my side of the family, other than via the video Skype chats we have. And as my stepmom pointed out not too long ago, we'll mostly only be faces on a TV screen/computer monitor to each other.

There are some thoughts jumbled in my head and I'm not sure I'll be able to get them out in a way that conveys what I am feeling and thinking, but I'm going to try anyway.

In the past, my stepmom, mom and I had some issues. I feel that my stepmom and I have worked through some of them, at least enough to be civil and on decent terms again. With my mom, I feel we worked through things more, but nothing is ever perfect. My mom had told me that the one thing that would get her to travel and visit me in Finland was if I had a baby. Then my mom had a heart attack and died 6 months before I got pregnant. I never got to have my mom come see my life here and see that I am truly happy here. Before Paxlet was born, my stepmom and dad were excited to get their first grandchild. We were even Skyping most weekends and it was great. My dad even said he'd come visit once Paxlet arrived. Then, a few weeks after Paxlet was born, my stepmom wasn't so enthusiastic anymore and said that she just couldn't handle only seeing Paxlet via Internet. She needs to smell, hold and snuggle him, as she is a very hands on and 'irght in front of you' sort of person. It was also suggested that we (Paxlet, Mr Siili and I) travel to the US instead, my parents would pay. For several reasons, that's not happening, at least not for now. I was feeling extremely disappointed because I knew if my mom was here, she'd come visit. And when it looked as if my dad might not come visit, I was hurt. Immensely. It was just important to me that some part of my family make it here so see my boy and the idea of it not happening just left a big emotional hole in me. So, having my dad and sister! come visit me is so unbelievably cool! I would love it to be longer than a week, but I'm not going to complain!! We'll just have to make the most of the time we do have together.

In a nutshell, even though I have moved away from my family, they are still very important to me and I still need them. I'm just waiting until we have "beam me up, Scotty"-technology to make the trip 'home' a quick and painless one.

Snugli carrier

One of the baby shower items that was sent from my family was a Snugli baby carrier.  As my stepmom tells me, my mom had used one of these with either one of or both of my younger siblings. And so my mom was quite excited to find one at the second hand shop.

This particular Snugli dates back to the 1970's, when this company was still small and making each carrier by hand (on a sewing machine). The instructions weren't sold with this, and I'm sure it isn't difficult to use, but this carrier is going to be used to carry my baby and I want to know I am using it safely. Which, led me on an instruction finding chase.

First place I looked was Snugli's website (now owned by Evenflo) to see if they had instructions there and if they didn't have them online, was there a contact number or email for them that I could use. I did find a 1-800 number and I called them (via Skype, because even though I live in Finland, using Skype to call 1-800 numbers is free!). The lady who answered my call was nice, but because this Snugli model is so old, they don't have any instructions for it and she wasn't able to find them online (from their own personal site?). Also, this version of the Snugli is too different from any of the current models for the new models' instructions to be of any help, so the lady said. I thanked the lady and said goodbye.

I next started Googling to see what I could find. It only took a couple of searches for me to find two potential hits. The first hit I found was a similar looking Snugli that had been sold on Etsy. I book marked this in order to come back to it later if I couldn't find anything else. The second place I found was a chat forum post from earlier this year where a lady's husband had found her a vintage Snugli at a second hand store, still with its original package and receipt! I signed up to the forum and private messaged the lady in hopes that she'd reply to me. And what do you know, in less than an hour she had replied and said she could scan the directions for me. How cool is that?!

I am now waiting for the instructions to arrive in my inbox. I'll keep you updated!

Edited: I have received the instructions. If anyone out there needs them, let me know and I can forward the pdf to you.

Best virtual baby shower EVER - photos

Below are the items we received from the baby shower* on Saturday from my family and friends in the US.

With many of the gifts my family sent, the items followed one of a few themes: lion, giraffe, elephant, green, frogs and basketball. The lion/Leo is for me and also Paxlet, if he is born before the 23rd. Giraffes are for Mr Siili, because when we first met, he made some silly comment about giraffes (which totally confused me at the time) and I started buying him giraffe stuff. Elephants are because my mom's maiden name sort of sounds like 'elephant' and she had a thing for collecting elephants for many years. Green and frogs, well I love both and Paxlet is going to have to deal with that until he can make known his own color and animal choices. Mr Siili plays basketball, so that one was easy enough.

My mom had found these bags at some point and was saving them for Mr Siili and I. I think I might frame them and put them on the wall.

This was my fall/winter/snow suit when I was first born. My mom had saved it and my stepmom and sister found it and sent it in the package. I was born about a month before Paxlet will be born, so I'm hoping he'll still fit in this when it gets colder out.

These were all items that at least one of us kids have used previously.

My mom knitted the bulk of each of these items, but didn't get them finished. My stepmom (top) and MIL (botties and bottom) finished them for us. All grandmothers have had a hand in these items and made them possible!

My stepmom crocheted each of these items with yarn from my mom's stash. The hat/beret in the upper left hand corner is for me to use on days when I just can't be bothered to wash my greasy hair. LOL Also, the sweater is the first my stepmom had ever done.

This bonnet and pants were made by my MIL. I think they'll go quite well with the sweaters shown above.

My aunt made this amazing fleece blanket.

Karen, a family friend, made these tye-die onsies and socks for us. They are all different sizes so we should have some amazing tye-die items for some time.

My sister found this cute lion puppet/washcloth a while ago. And the purple corduroy Sketchers are something my mom bought for my sister, so I only have them on loan.

These are all items my mom had bought in preparation for a grandchild (second-hand). The Snugli (top left) is handmade and is like the one she had for my younger siblings. She loved it so much that she wanted to share it with us kids. The food mill (top right), I remember us having one for my younger siblings and almost bought one here a week or so ago. So glad I waited. The white onesie is Baby Dior and from what my stepmom says, my mom was so excited to find that as every baby needs something uber brand name. LOL The white thing in the middle is just a thick cloth that can be used for whatever (for ex, changing blanket). The green corduroy pants are just amazing and I want a pair like that for myself. And the blanket (actually it is a duvet, but my stepmom and sister didn't realize that, tee hee) at the bottom is just cute, even with the itty bitty bit of pink.

A few more things my mom had purchased. The lighter yellow sleeper (middle top) has a giraffe on it. The two orange items (right hand side) have basketballs. And the Hawaiian shirt is in honor of my dad because he wears lots of these shirts. Now Paxlet will be able to match his grandpa.

 Pooh stuff is from long time family friend, Tess and her family. Mansi thinks these are for her and wants to play with them. Doh!

 My stepmom, sister and (step)grandma went on a shopping spree for these items. I love them. Especially the two onesies at the lower left hand corner (My auntie rocks and My uncle(s) is awesome).

And that my friends, is the other half of why I had the best virtual baby shower ever.

* There are a couple of items that my dad will bring when he comes in September: a breast feeding blanket/bib (to cover myself and child), a set of natural driftwood 'blocks' and a bright, colorful and whimsical painting of flowers.

Best virtual baby shower EVER

My family and friends in the US hosted a virtual baby shower for me via Skype (with web cam) on Saturday (evening my time, early day their time). This party never would have been possible without Skype and our webcams. It was amazing!! I loved being able to see everyone while we chatted, they had coffee & cupcakes (we had just eaten dinner), opened gifts, played games and just hung out.

The start of the party was marked by everyone entering the party room, parading in front of the web cam with a balloon under their shirt. The guys were included in this stunt. It was pretty funny seeing my dad with a bit round tummy. Everyone was moaning, waddling and "complaining" about how tired they were from carrying their 'load'. It was funny and brilliant!!

As the US part of the party drank their coffee and at a cupcake, I started opening gifts. My stepmom and sister had collected gifts during June and then sent the package near the beginning of July to get it here on time for the party. The package only took 10 days to ship and I had it sitting in my living room for almost 2 weeks before the party. I don't feel I  can't do the gifts we've received justice by just describing them, so I'll post some pictures in the next post right after this.

A few of people in the US had their gifts there with them, so they opened them for us and showed them around. My dad will bring them to me when he comes to visit in September. After gifts we played a few quick games. There was guessing how many jelly beans were in a 120ml sized bottle (102), how big around my tummy is (42 inches) and a name game. Everyone shared their favorite name with us and Mr Siili and I picked which one, out of the list, was our favorite (Niklas). Although, it doesn't mean we have to name Paxlet that. *grin* The party ended with everyone in the US eating lunch and those of us in Finland going to bed. I dreamt about the baby shower all night.

I am completely at a loss for words of how amazed, humbled and thankful I am for my family and friends and what they have done for Mr Siili, Paxlet and I. I just don't know how to describe what I'm feeling. My family is so excited for Paxlet to arrive in this world. It is my parents' first grandchild and my siblings' first nephew. It's at times like this that I am a bit sad that we live so far away.

Not only did my stepmom, (step)grandma and sister go shopping together to get us some insanely cute stuff, but my stepmom and sister dug through my mom's stuff and found items that she had been saving for her future grandkid(s). Some of the items belonged to each of us kids when we were little and others were stuff she had purchased because she liked them and/or had one like that when we were little and liked the product. So I now have a full arsenal of amazing stuff!

What is killing me right now as I type this and has me in full out sobbing tears is the knowledge that my mom wasn't able to experience the baby shower. She will never get to meet her first grandchild and never see the stuff that she lovingly saved and gathered be put into use by her grandkids. And from all the stuff we received from my mom (Grandma Robbin), you can tell that she was so freaking excited to have a grandchild. The small comfort I have right now from this, is knowing how much she wanted a grandchild by the preparations she had already made, before any of us kids had ever even gotten pregnant. I am thankful that I had told my mom that we were trying to get pregnant and that she knew what we were going through in order to have a kid and give her a grandchild. (I've woken Rusty, the 'old boy' cat, up and he's come to see what is wrong.)

I know it's impossible and silly to think this, but I'd give up any and all of the material items we have received to just have my mom here. I know it doesn't work that way and that it's impossible, but I can't help but feel it and think it. At the same time I am thankful for my stepmom (and that or relationship has gotten much better) and my mother-in-law. I love my family and friends. I know I am not alone. Not in my thoughts, nor life, yet sometimes a girl just wants her mom.

One year on

It's been one year exactly since my mom died suddenly of a heart attack. I have many things going through my head, but what I'm trying to keep out of my thoughts is my mom because the second I think of her, I get teary and start crying. I'm not ready for that, still. I miss her very much. I miss her even more because there are so many baby related questions I want to ask, but I'll never get to hear from her. I know my dad knows some of the answers, but not all. Nothing can replace a mom and her knowledge. I just want my mom!

First mother's day

Whether you've lost your little one too soon, have your little one with or are still waiting for your little one, I wish you a Happy Mother's day!

Today is also Mother's day here in Finland. (Father's day is on a different day, though.) It's an actual holiday here and the stores are closed. I've never paid too much attention to Mother's day, whether I was in the US or in Finland. My mom never wanted any of us kids to go out and buy her stuff, she'd rather we make her something, do something nice for her and/or just be nice (every day of the year, not just this one day). But this year's mother's day is completely different than any other year.

This year is the first year my mom is no longer with me. She died in June of last year. And if I remember correctly, Mother's day was the last time I heard her voice. I called her that day and we chatted a bit and that's the last time I actually talked to her. I did type-chat with her one last time for a short period after that on Facebook where she told me my/our cat, Sabby, had died and I taught her how to make smileys.

This year is also the first year I'm a mother myself. After trying so hard and for so long (almost 3,5 years), I've finally got a little one growing in me. I'm nearing 7 months along and in another week and a half I'll be in the 3rd trimester. This still feels nothing short of a miracle and for this I am grateful.

This year is such a mixture of emotions. I can't help but be sad that my mom isn't here to celebrate this long awaited event. But at the same time, I'm looking forward to the day when Paxlet is born and here with us.
Wherever my mom is, I'm thinking of her and missing her.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

My mom would have been 54 years old today, but instead it has been almost 9 months since she left her mortal coil. I'm having a hard time today and really missing her something fierce. I decked myself out today in things she had knitted in hopes of trying to feel a bit closer to her. I'm not sure if it helped any, but I did feel physically warmer.



"I thought I'd found a reason to live
Just like before when I was a child
Only to find that dreams made of sand
Would just fall apart and slip through my hands
But the spirit of life keeps us strong
And the spirit of life is the will to carry on
Adversity what have I done to you
To cause this reclusive silence
That has come between me and you
And the spirit of life oh-ho remains in light
And the spirit of life oh-ho remains inside
I never thought it would be quite like this
Living outside of mutual bliss
But as long as the veins in our arms still stand up
The spirit of life will keep living on..."

Happy Turkey-day (or stim day 5)

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope you are able to find many things you are thankful for this year and during this holiday season. I do have many things to be thankful for, but this time of the year has always been a bit bittersweet ever since I moved so far away from my family. The holidays just aren't the same as what they used to be. We don't have Halloween or Thanksgiving here in Finland, but we do have Christmas, even if it isn't celebrated the same as in the USA.

Thanksgiving has been touched with a drop of sorrow since my grandma died in 1990. She was my favorite grandma and only 66 (3 days short of her 67th birthday). My mom's mom died Thanksgiving eve in her sleep. I was 14 years old and all of us grandkids had just spent the summer with her that year. I am thankful for that summer, but I still wish I had more time with her. (Isn't that always the case about the deceased?) My last conversation with my grandma was about how she was thinking of getting her ears pierced! I remember thinking how cool she was for wanting to get them pierced even though she was old. This was also the grandma that "hired" an 18 year old boy/man to take us kids to the pool and hang out with us that summer. My mom never could believe that her mom would hire such a boy (Mormon, sweet and innocent that he was!) to watch after us kids, especially since I WAS 14 and noticing boys. LOL

This year is going to be tinged with more bitter than sweet as it is the first year without my mom. I'm still missing her, a lot!

Right now is feeling much worse because of Thanksgiving, hormones from IVF and stress with finances for our new place we are trying to buy. I haven't been sleeping well or enough the last few nights. I'm fighting off a cold, which I hope doesn't get any worse, because I just can't miss work (but if it comes down to it, I will miss it and that's that). I do have my first appointment with a therapist tomorrow morning. I'm quite nervous about it and I'm also quite sure I'll leave there with puffy eyes. I also have another clinic appointment to see how things are progressing with the hormones. I'm worried that maybe I shouldn't be trying to get pregnant right now with the stress of buying our place, I'm not sure we have enough money and having a kid won't make it any easier. Bleh, I hate feeling so horrible.

To end this post in a slightly more positive note, I'd like to say I'm thankful for each and every person who reads and comments on my blog. I appreciate every single word!! (I know I'm being totally horrible this month about reading and commenting for ICLW. I'm sorry.) I'm also thankful for my husband who puts up with all of my shit (and there is a lot of it). And most of all, I'm just trying to be thankful for everything. It's not always easy, but I've got to keep trying.

Day 3 of Menopur injections

It might be day 3 of injections, but so far I've only done 2 injections. The 3rd one will be later this evening after I leave work. (I'm done with work, emails and chat closed, but I decided to quickly write up this post at work instead of at home.) And I'm quite sure I'm already feeling some effects of the Menopur. I guess I shouldn't wonder too much, I am injecting 300IU each night and that is more than the recommended dose on the instruction sheet that came with the package. So far, I'm feeling a few twingy-twangy feelings in my ovaries, mostly the right side. My abdomen is sore exactly where I've done the injections, although surprisingly enough, no visible bruising, yet. I still do get mini-headaches off and on. I'd say that isn't bad at all in the way of side effects. But I know there is more to come.

In non-IVF related news, I went to the gym yesterday and I'm quite sore! I went to BodyBalance and BodyCombat. My favorite two classes! We did tons of punches in Combat and now my neck and shoulders are sore. This isn't a very nice sore feeling this time either. I also think I'm coming down with a cold. I'm feeling quite feverish and my throat is a bit scratchy. I hope it goes away if I can get a good night's rest tonight. I'm too swamped at work to miss any days!

Speaking (typing?) of work, I mentioned previously that my harvest date is scheduled for Friday, December 2nd. That couldn't be a worse date for me to miss work. There are several people out of the office and it is day 2 of month end closing, the most important day for my tasks. (I working in finance.) Scratch that, there are worse days, but this one is pretty bad also. I've already told my boss that I'll be out of the office on this day, with a doctor's note excusing it, and that I can't change it. Sorry! I didn't have to tell her and I could have just called that morning saying I wasn't coming in, but I'm nice that way.

Today, Mel at Stirrup Queens has posted her Annual Thankfulness Virtual Meal. I love this idea and I was excited to participate! (I was even the first commenter! lol) I'm so very thankful for Mel and everything she has done to make this ALI community what it is. I found this community less than a year ago and I just can't imagine how I would have survived this year without it. My list of blogs that I follow has grown by leaps and bounds. There are so many women that I can't wait until they post a new post. I so look forward to what they have to say and how their journey is going. Even when someone else has gotten their BFP! It just might mean that it is a bit harder for me to share in their enthusiasm, but that is a reflection on myself, not on the fortunate women themselves.

Mel asked everyone to share what they are bringing to the potluck-meal. The first thing that came to my mind was my mom's Pesto Torta. This is so easy to make, yet so very delicious! It was joked sometimes that my mom wasn't invited to a party unless she'd bring this (or her oyster stuffing balls at Thanksgiving). I made it several years ago for christmas to see what my in-laws thought of it. It was a hit and they've asked for it every year since. I think I would have made it even if they didn't like it so much because I love it. I am definitely going to continue making it, espeically now that my mom is gone. Although, now I think it will be made with a bit of tears and sorrow along with happiness.

Here's the basic recipe that my mom taught to me. There aren't any set amounts or measurements, we have always just mixed a bit of this and a bit of that and it turns out delish!

Pesto Torta by Robbin River Sky
Ingredients:
Red Layer
Sun dried tomatoes
     - reconstituted in warm water, then drained OR drained of oil; finely chopped

White Layer 
Cream cheese layer

     - cream cheese
     - parmesian (my mom used a 2nd cheese, but I can't remember what it was)
     - sour cream (unflavored yogurt)

Green Layer
Pesto layer
For the homemade type, puree the following in a blender:
     - olive oil (add enough that you get a nice sauce consistency)
     - fresh basil
     - pine nuts or cashews
     - a garlic piece or two
     - parmesian


Directions:
1. Prepare the 3 layers in separate bowls. The white layer should thicker than the sour cream, but not as thick as cream cheese.
2. In a shallow-ish dish (I use the lid to one of my round casserole dishes*) sprinkle some pine nuts in the dish (optional) then spread a nice layer of the tomatoes.
3. Next, gently spread on the white layer and then the green layer on top.
4. If possible, refridgerate over night for the flavors to mingle.
5. Before serving, let it warm just a little bit so that you can easily flip the torta out of the container you made it in. Flip the torta in a serving dish and serve with water crackers, bread or anything else you want to eat it with.

I love eating this with my turkey, potatoes and anything else I'd use pesto with.
May this become a favorite at your house!


*I know I have a picture of this at home, I'll update it later this evening.

Thursday Thoughts

Lots of little things to blether about today.

- Steve Jobs died last night. While I didn't know him and I don't own any Apple products, it is sad. I am especially sad for Mel's son Wolvog, as I know Steve Jobs was his hero.

- I bought some blackberries, raspberries, blueberries and a pomegranate today.

- I told my team leader at work that if this cycle doesn't work out, I'd be doing another round of IVF and most likely need week 50 off. And even if it can't be worked out for me to officially take the last week of my summer holiday, I'd be taking that week off against my own hours, with a doctor's note. (Legal to be off work with the dr's note, but work doesn't have to pay me.) I also told her how I'm having a hard time right now, with my mom's death and IF all mixed into one big ugly thing. I cried a bit and she hugged me. I like my team leader and I'm sad she'll be another team's leader for some time.

- Today I bought Red Hot Chili Peppers' newest album "I'm With You". I ♥ RHCP!!

- I started using progesterone capsules last night and sheesh, they are messy! Either that or I'm not inserting them correctly. I've previously used a synthetic progesterone called Lugesterone. It had a capsule-shell and made insertion a bit easier, but I was allergic to it and the white creamy stuff that leaked out of me was hideous! At least now it is mostly just wet..but way too much! I hope it'll get better as time goes on. LOL, yeah, right!

- I grumped at Mr Siili a bit when I got home because he didn't get off the computer to come greet me. I'm sometimes jealous of the time he spends on his computer games.

- I talked to my dad this evening. He was sitting in the woods, with his brother and a friend waiting for the deer to walk by so they could shoot one (several?) and go home. I wish him luck and safety! I also told him how much I've been missing my mom lately. I love my dad!

- I also talked to my sister this evening. She got a bit upset when I tried to be the big sister and be concerned about her getting a job and being able to pay her bills. I told her I care about her and I worry about her. I just want the best for her and I know she can do more, if she wants to. We both miss our mom. We also tried talking via Skype on both of our phones, it worked! I hope we'll chat more often, for free! I love my sister.

- I tried calling my brother, but he must be at work. I worry about him too. I love my brother.

- I didn't call my youngest brother, as he's probably in school. Nor did I try to call my stepmom. I not entirely sure she really meant that the past was the past and that she isn't mad/upset at me anymore. I'm not mad at her, I just want to talk to her. I love them too.

- Today was an ok day and tomorrow is Friday!!

- I'm going to meet up with some girl friends on Sunday for brunch downtown. I really need the girl-time. I'm also going to let them know how rough things have been for me lately. I'll take plenty of tissues for all of us.


Thanks for reading my blethering.

Like a broken record

Why can't anyone see that the smiles don't go all the way to my eyes?

I can't seem to get my mom out of my thoughts for more than a few moments at a time. (Even when I do manage to be in the present and now with life, I'm reminded of her soon enough.) And really, there is nothing wrong with that, except that I find myself constantly sad. Random little bits just run through my head: I want to share the knitting pattern I saw the other day that I know she'd like. I have baby and "when I was young" type of questions I want to ask/know. The books she introduced me to (Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series) and the music she told me about (Adele's Rolling in the Deep) before I heard it anywhere else. These things just keep popping up in my head over and over and over again, just like a broken record.

In some ways, it reminds me of the time GCC (the coffee house I worked in for many years and loved it there) was broken into during the night. I was the first person to arrive at work in the morning (5:30am) and I noticed a rag knocked over and the back door was ajar. I called my co-worker who was supposed to come in next, but she was already on her way in, her husband told me. I told husband what had happened and he told me to get outside (with the cordless phone), call the cops and he'd be right there. The cops came and did their stuff before most of our morning customers arrived. We managed to make the door look normal until it could be fixed. But that whole episode shook my day (several days actually). I kept thinking about what had happened. How could someone violate our work space. Was it a regular customer? (I had my suspicions.) The cops had been there and not just for coffee and bagels (no, we didn't serve donuts, even after they asked. Seriously!). It was just a very strange and unsettling feeling. It felt like I had told every single person who walked into our coffee house that day: Hey, we were broken into last night! Surely our customers could see into my head and know what I were thinking. Couldn't they? In any case, it sure felt like they could. But I hadn't told anyone. In reality, the only people that knew were those of us who were there to open house, the cops, the couple of very early morning customers and other co-workers. (The bosses were out of town and we had no way to get a hold of them.) This whole episode kept playing over and over, just like a broken record.

I know that no one else is thinking about my mom. It has been over 3 months now. *sarcasm* I'm not asking anyone to think of her or be sad about her passing like I am. And I'm not sad every moment and not even every day. But there are times that I just can't seem to think about anything but my mom and how much I miss her! I am finding it hard to believe that no one seems to notice how sad I am on my really down and melancholy days. Am I really that good of an actress that no one sees it? I know my husband sees it because I wake him up in the morning with my sniffling and tears, I come through the door in the evening sobbing and upset (like tonight) and he gets the brunt end of my not so pleasant moods sometimes. (I'm sorry, Sweets.) But does no one else see it?!

I don't think my friends here in town (as opposed to my net friends) know how I'm feeling. One part is because we don't see each other so often anymore. Another part is because if/when I do see them, we just have so much to catch up on, there isn't so much time to be sad. And probably the biggest reason my in town friends don't know how I'm feeling is because I haven't told them. Again, I don't want to sound like a broken record and only be talking about my mom. Plus, I try to put on a brave face and down play things. I do the same with my fertility issues (with most of my in town friends them, except for the rare occasion), I just don't want them to worry and I don't want to be the focus of everything. I want to give everyone their fair share of talking time when we do get to meet up. I do realize that this last part is my fault, but it is so hard to open up sometimes. I don't want to cry in front of everyone all the time.

I really wish I had some sort of life lesson or something profound to say to end this post, but I don't. I just hurt and I'm sad and I miss my mom.

Woeful & Wordy Wednesday

When I opened Blogger for the first time today and saw that I had earned my 33rd follower, I gasped in happiness. Really, I did! This month's ICLW saw my followers increase by 3. And each time I saw/see my numbers go up, I feel amazed and happy that someone wants to read my words. I can't imagine these feelings will ever get old. I love my followers and the interaction they give me. Thank you everyone!

As ICLW winds down for the week and month, I hope everyone has gotten something out of the comment leaving, whether it be big or small. Any time I get a comment it helps me know that I am not alone, especially on some of my darker days. This week was no exception.

- This morning started out with me sniffly and then in tears over my mom. I still miss my mom tons and I find that I just want to call her and talk about things or ask her something. I'll never be able to do that again. Some things are just going to be lost to me forever. And it kills me. This sadness has followed me most of the day. Not even diving into work made it go away. I just felt so hollow and empty inside that I almost expected someone, anyone at work to stop me and ask what's wrong. But I guess I'm a good actress as no one seemed to look at me twice or ask what's up.

- I was going to leave home early so I could go to the pharmacist before work. I left the house 1 minute too late, because I saw the bus already at the stop and there was no way i was going to run for it today. Actually, I've decided that the bus was too early this morning, or rather exactly on time. I walked a few bus stops in hope of catching a different bus line, but they all leave about the same time, so I saw them all pass on by in front of me. By the time I did catch the next bus, it was late downtown because of some construction work. So I didn't go to the pharmacist before work.

- My underwear decided it was a good day to ride up my ass, on one side. (God that sounds so stupid and laughable when typed out.)

- I went to the pharmacist during my lunch break, only to find out that I left my wallet at work.

- On a positive note, I didn't receive my normal mass influx of work emails, which allowed me to get caught upon some work. I still have tons more to do tomorrow. Isn't that how work is, though?

- I went to the pharmacist after work to get my asthma and progesterone prescriptions filled and there was a long line. Thankfully they have numbers to take so I could walk around and get the O-tests I needed. Although, I couldn't find the O-tests and finally had to ask someone. They were right next to the pregnancy tests, I was just blind. I bought the cheaper brand. It was also the one that didn't have the smiley, happy baby on it. Only a flower. On a positive note, the progesterone is covered by the Social Insurance, so I only had to pay 1,50€  for the 2 boxes (total) instead of 37€ each. Unlike the Lugesterone I had been using all of these previous times, which I am allergic to, and I had to pay 17€ per box as the Social Insurance wouldn't cover it. Let's hope I don't have any allergic reactions to this stuff.

- I got home and my cat meowed at me. Like he always does when I get home, but some days I just wish he would shut up. I feel bad for thinking that. I gave him and his sister their evening treats and he was content for a while.

- Dinner wasn't cooked when I got home and I felt way too lazy to cook it myself. So, I had peanut butter on Saltine crackers for dinner. A few of them even had a tiny piece of dark chocolate on top, for dessert.

- I told Mr Siili that my day was just crappy and I cried a bit more. I'm quite sure a fair share of this moodiness and hormonalness is due to the pending O. So, in a nut shell, that's my crap-tastic day. It's a big nut shell, I think it's a coconut. I know none of these things are that bad, but when I'm feeling down and out, everything just seems multiplied.

- After a two hour break while Mr Siili and I watched 2 episodes of Fringe, I'm feeling a bit less sullen and sad. I'm now just extremely tired. It's off to bed with aforementioned meow-y putty tat for me.

Good night!

Egg tart recipe

Today started with me missing my mom and then crying. It wasn't until I got to work and really immersed myself in my tasks that the deep sorrow was drowned out of my mind. I was just too busy to think about anything else. That can be a good thing or a bad thing. This time it was good, I guess.

Work has been busy, as usual. Yesterday, our team was supposed to do some cleaning and rearranging of seating places and it ended up being me who did it as everyone else went on break at that time. Even though we had a "meeting" scheduled and no one said anything to me about how it wasn't a good time for them. My hide was very chapped! (This most likely contributed to my not-so-chipper emotions this morning.) But, if I didn't do the stuff that needed to be done, another team couldn't move out of the seat I needed to move into. It took me much longer than what it should have and I left for the day without reading/answering some emails, a huge mess on my new desk and my computer not set up. Then today, the others finally got their act together and started cleaning and organizing the rest of the files and desks (which affected them). I didn't lift a finger! And if someone would have asked me, I would have politely refused to help. Petty, I know, but it truly irked me.

On the bright side, Mr Siili called mid-day to see how I was doing. It was so sweet of him. I also decided to spoil myself at lunch with some guava juice and a moon cake. It definitely made me feel better. And on an even better note, I decided to make Egg tarts tonight!

Egg tarts are something I discovered while in Shanghai. They have a thin pastry shell, an eggy-custard middle and so delish!! I made them once already since I've been home just over a week now and I had to make them again because, 1) they are that good and 2) I really wanted to take some pictures to go along with the recipe when I share it. Without further ado, here is the recipe.

Finished Egg tarts*

Hong Kong Egg Tart(makes around 12 egg tarts)

Ingredients for butter pastry:
100g room temperature butter
200g plain flour
1 egg
50g sugar

Ingredients for egg filling:
100ml water
80g sugar
3 eggs
100ml milk

 Directions for butter pastry:
Preheat the oven to 200 degrees Celcius
1) Mix butter to the flour and sugar mixture
2) Add egg
3) Knead it into a dough
4) Press the pastry into the moulds gently using your two thumbs. Try not to have a thick pastry bottom.
5) Punch holes into the pastry with a fork

Directions for egg filling:
6) Melt water and sugar together (I just used the microwave for a second)
7) Add milk and eggs, beat and mix well
8) Sieve the mixture two times to get a smooth egg filling
9) Pour the egg filling into the pastry moulds
10) Bake it in the oven at 200 degrees celcius for 15-20 minutes. The egg should still be wobbly (you don't want to overcook it!)

My little helper, Rusty. He shares his cat hair freely.

I Googled and found this recipe (and others) from DessertzHouse. She also has an updated and slightly different version, which I haven't tried yet, but I think I will.

*I was so excited to eat a warm egg tart and I was in th emiddle of writing this post, that I almost forgot to take a picture of the final product, which is why there are 2 tarts missing. They are already in my and Mr Siili's tummies.

grandma, mom, kids

First off, let me preface this by saying I know my blog has been a real downer lately. But I really need to work through my thoughts and feelings on losing my mom. I know that with time, wounds will be healed, or at least scabbed over a bit more, but right now these wounds are still so raw and the thoughts just won't stop going round and round my head.

As I mentioned of over at Mel's Lushary post, doing some of the most mundane daily stuff has become much harder since my mom died. Things like doing dishes, taking a shower, going for a walk alone and other brainless activities gives my mind time to wander. And when my mind wanders, it usually ends up on the subject of my mom. And eventually, if not immediately, my mind turns to kids and my lack of giving my mom grandchildren. Not for the lack of trying, but still, I wasn't able to give my mom any grandkids before she died. What's more, if I ever have any kids, they will never know my mom. And that's what this post is going to be about: my mom, her (not) being a grandma, me potentially being a mom and my potential future kids.

I know for a fact that my mom would have been a great grandma. How can I be so certain about this, you ask? Well, she played grandma to several other kids recently. At my mom's memorial, a girl that my mom had worked with has young twins came and talked to me. This girl told me that at a co-workers going away party, my mom sat with and played with the twins most of the party. She just loved holding them and entertaining them. Another friend of the family has a little boy and this friend told me that my mom was like a grandma to her kid. My mom was always nice to the little boy and gave him some of her knitted hats whenever they'd visit. My mom was supposed to do all of these things for MY kids and HER own grandkids. This will never happen now. And it kills me!

I also remember when I was 17 or 18 years old and someone we knew (I want to say it was a high school friend) was pregnant with her first kid. My mom went to the salvation army over several weeks and bought her 2 huge paper bags full of cute baby clothes! At the time, I was jealous of the attention my mom showed towards this girl. I know part of my jealousy was that my mom didn't want me having kids that young (she was 18 when she had me), but how could she support this girl who was doing just what she didn't want me to do? I also know/see (now) that we had a rough time in our relationship when I was younger. I know that my mom was just being the good and kind person she was. She helped others and she liked kids, especially when they weren't her own anymore and she didn't have to take care of them 24/7. LOL. But it still hurts that she'll never be able to do that for me.

For my mom to have become a grandma, it would mean that I would have had to be a mom. This hurts too. Hubby and I have tried for almost 3 years now (next month is the "anniversary"). Not a single BFP in sight, not even a false BFP or one that turned into a loss. Nothing! The only thing that I seem to be able to take comfort in my not being a mom before my mom died was that I finally started telling her what exactly we were going through. She knew about all of our failed IUI's, the two failed IVF's and failed FET. It was nice to talk to her about these things. Yet, there were and are still many things that I never got to ask and most likely won't ever find out. I'll ask my dad, but I doubt he'll know.
On a side note, my mom thought that maybe I should take out all my piercings. Maybe the metal bits were disrupting my body's normal flow of things. I told her I wasn't ready for that yet and besides, many Indian women have their noses pierced on the left side, as it is supposed to make childbirth easier. I'm still undecided about taking all of my jewelry out. I'd feel so naked and unrecognizable to myself.
I'm still quite upset that I was not able to be a mom before my mom died. She was supposed to come visit when I had a kid (she would have had 9 months to prepare, after all). She was supposed to be here and help me. She was going to come see me.

And then, there's my potential kids, some day. They will never get to meet my mom, their grandma. She will always just be stories, my memories, some words, a knitted hat or sweater and some pictures that we have laying around. But my mom will never be their flesh and blood grandma! (I know I have my stepmom. I am very grateful for her, but she will never be my mom.) This is not fucking fair!!

I wanted my mom to meet my kids. I wanted my kids to get to know my mom. I know that by living half a world away my mom wasn't going to see them every week or even every month, but we had Skype with a video (the video part wasn't yet set up, but that is beside the point). My kids would have gotten to know their grandma and we would visit. But now, that will never happen. Never! And it kills me. It is what eats me up inside the most. I'm not sure how to reconcile my thoughts and feelings about this. Will time just make it hurt less? Will I ever get over it? What do I do in the mean time? I'm tired of constantly going over all of these thoughts and scenarios in my head each time I have a quiet moment in my head.

Another positive out of a negative

As I mentioned yesterday, not all things about my the trip to my mom's memorial was bad or negative. In fact, my stepmom and I are on great terms again. It is totally unfortunate that it took something like my mom passing away for us to be ok again, but I am glad it came about.

My stepmom has been a part of our lives for about 22 years. (I can't remember if she came when I was 12 or 14.) In the beginning we had our ups and downs. I was at an age of independence and figuring out who I was. I was also the "adult" female at my dad's house and she came into my territory! I'm a Leo and she's a Capricon, talk about two strong personalities, even without the horiscopes signs we're just very strong personalities.

Over the years, we worked out most of our differences and learned to understand each other. When I needed spending money or she'd need help cleaning the house, I'd play "Cinderella". I learned to drive in her Ricky (a 1970's Plymouth Valiant). When I had teen-issues with my mom or dad, my stepmom was there to back me up. She even prepared my parents for the eventuality of me having sex, albeit much younger than I would have ever imagined or that happened!!

It was when DH and I got married, almost 5 years ago, that things went wrong. We exchanged some heated words, felt hurt by what the other said, did or didn't do. There really was a whole lot that went on, but I don't feel like hashing it out, espeically seeing that it is the past and I'd like to keep it that way. After our trip there that year, we just didn't really talk about it; to make things better or worse, we just didn't talk. So things festered for 4 long years. My stepmom and I started working things out a bit before we visited this last fall, but it still wasn't like it used to be.

And now that my mom has died, all has been forgiven and forgotten. My stepmom (and myself) don't want to not talk to each other. She also wants to be there for me (and my siblings, of course). As my stepmom said, my mom was her best friend and family. My mom also stuck by my stepmom when she was going through her crazy egg reacion (she's highly allergic to egg and reacts insanely when she eats anything with any amount of egg in it) and she didn't have to. That is what family does! Also, it isn't common for ex-wives and current wives to be friends, much less good friends. And throw into the mix my dad. It took many years after the divorce, but my dad and mom were good friends also. So when it came to pass that my mom died, my stepmom decided that everything in the past can stay in the past. I was and am much relieved by this and I intend to keep it that way.

To sum all this rambling up, my stepmom and I are on speaking terms and friends again. And for that, I am so so very thankful. She was so much help in getting the memorial preparations started, writing the beautiful obituary and just plain taking care of things that I never would have thought about. She is also there with my brothers and sister to help them as they need it. I am very fortunate to have the family I do (even if they drive me crazy at times). I love them all!

Electric Heart by Keith Haring

Where to start?

This is a long post and I'm not really sure I'm saying much in it, but I need to write it out anyway. Thank you in advance to anyone who reads it all.

So much, yet so little, has happened during the last 2 weeks that I'm not sure where to start. Two weeks ago, June 19th, at 6pm my time, I got a phone call that changed my life forever (not to sound cliché, but it is so true). I knew it was my stepmom calling and that there was something horrible in her voice, but our connection was so bad that I couldn't hear what she had to say before we got cut off. After about 30 minutes of trying to contact someone in my family and rebooting my phone, I was able to talk to my stepmom. My mom had died of a heart attack. She was only 53 years old/young. I was (and still am to some extent) in complete and utter shock. I needed to get to the USA as soon as I could.

I always knew and feared this day would happen. I just didn't expect it to happen so soon. I knew that by moving half way around the world from my family that if anything ever happened, it would take time for me to get there. But at least now I know that if/when something does happen they will call me immediately. I had fears/concerns that it would be some time before anyone would notify me that something had happened. Kind of an 'out of sight, out of mind' thing.

My husband and I booked flights to the USA. We left Finland early in the morning on Thursday June 23rd and we were due to leave for home again on the morning of Wednesday June 29th. Not much time for us (my siblings and I, with the help of our Dad and step-mom) to get everything done.

After 26 hours of traveling (door to door), we arrived in my home town, exhausted. We stayed at my mom's place (now my sister's). Friday we took care of bank stuff, got our copies of the obituary from the newspaper office and who knows what else. I have no idea what we did Saturday. I think my Dad, youngest brother and DH went crabbing. Sunday was my mom's memorial. And what a beautiful event it was! My mom touched so many peoples' lives and she was/is so loved.* The rest of our trip was mostly spent going through my mom's stuff and dividing things up. I think the 3 of us kids did quite well. Tempers only flared a little bit.

On our trip home, every single flight was late! From the first one from my hometown (due to bad weather at the plane's departure, I think it was fog), to a 2 hour wait ON the plane in San Francisco (the evacuation alarm wasn't working) which caused us to miss our 3rd flight in Frankfurt, but we managed to get another flight to Helsinki, 4 hours later. And even that flight wasn't immune from a late departure of about 40 minutes. The lateness didn't stop there. If our last flight would have been on time, we most likely could have caught the earlier bus to our hometown. Instead, we had to wait 50minutes for the next one. Thankfully the sun was still shining (gotta love Finnish summers) and it was a lovely 26 degrees outside with a bit of breeze.

We finally arrived to our town (at 10:20pm), got the car, loaded the suitcases and went to get the cats. Rusty came running at the sound of my voice. Mansi was her normal spazzy self. Both cats went into their carriers nicely, but Rusty made it be known that he was not happy to be in it, the whole trip home. Thankfully it was only 15 a minute ride. I didn't get to sleep until 1:30 and was up at 7:30 to go to work.

I worked a 9.5 hour day and was in bed by 10pm. I was so freakin' exhausted! I woke up around 4am, read a bit, chatted with DH and then fell back asleep until 9 or 10. We spent some special time "wiggling" together and then we went outside for a while to read. I did a quick food shopping trip then back home and slept some more. I woke up at some point, only to still feel totally exhausted. I think I finally woke up around 5 or 6pm. I was so thankful that DH made dinner the night before, so I only had to reheat stuff. We watched a bit of wacky colored TV (our TV is on the fritz again. The middle circle of the screen is red and the outer ring is green with the 4 edge corners something else). Then I played catch-up on the computer, where here I am writing now. It is 3:15am and I really should get to bed.

I sure do miss my mom. And my family in the US.

*I intend to do a separate post about her memorial.

24 hours later

It's only 24 hours* later and my whole world feels like it has come crashing down. I went to work today, because I couldn't stand the thought of sitting at home doing nothing. So, I worked and I only cried twice and teared up a couple of times.

Some of my mom's knitting.

My thoughts are jumping around in my head, racing from one thing to the next. I can't seem to focus on anyone thing. All I want is my mom! I'm supposed to start thinking of things for her obituary. What does one write in an obit? I'm too young to be doing this. My mom was too young to die.

I am so thankful for my family in the US. Especially my step-mom. We've had our differences and trying times in the past, but I do love her and I am so very thankful she is here for me, my sister and brother right now. (And my dad and little bro.) I've talked to everyone in my immediate family. We're discussing what needs to be done, because it just has to be done.

I've sent in my signature on a self-written letter saying I authorize my mom's cremation. It's what she wanted and it's what I would want for myself. So this was not a hard thing to do. It's not the cold body that I need, it's my mom, alive and well. I'll have to do with my sister, brother, dad, step-mom and little youngest bro (lol, he's taller than any of us).

We're going to have a celebration of her life. She doesn't want a funeral. Again, that is totally fine with me. I want to remember her in the good times and with everyone crying happy tears.

Hubby and I will be flying out Thursday morning. It's going to be one hell of a flight (3 of them actually).

24 hours ago...

*Ok, so it is more than 24 hours now when I found out my mom had died. But I started thinking about this post right around the 24 hour marker.