June ICLW

Another month has already gone and it's time for ICLW again. I was so looking forward to this week of leaving comments, but my mother has passed away suddenly and I need to fly to the US to be with my family. I will not be able post the required daily comments and replies during this week.

I am sorry I won't be fulfilling my commitment to this month's ICLW during the time frame given, but I think you all will understand. I will make up for it and leave my comments when my life starts to resemble something closer to normalcy (and before next month's ICLW starts). I enjoy leaving comments and I love receiving them.

Thank you!

Thank you to everyone who has left me a comment. It helps my heart and mind knowing so many people out there are compassionate and kind enough to leave me a message saying they are thinking of me and my family.


I know there are no words to truly express what one wants to convey or what one feels. I understand and know that. Your sympathies and kind words do their duty, as much as it feels like it isn't enough or the right thing.
this type of situation or how one feels.

I myself don't know quite what to say to people when they give their condolences. Except for a heartfelt thank you. So, thank you, from the bottom of my grieving heart. In time, I know all will be less painful. But for now, my family and I grieve.

24 hours later

It's only 24 hours* later and my whole world feels like it has come crashing down. I went to work today, because I couldn't stand the thought of sitting at home doing nothing. So, I worked and I only cried twice and teared up a couple of times.

Some of my mom's knitting.

My thoughts are jumping around in my head, racing from one thing to the next. I can't seem to focus on anyone thing. All I want is my mom! I'm supposed to start thinking of things for her obituary. What does one write in an obit? I'm too young to be doing this. My mom was too young to die.

I am so thankful for my family in the US. Especially my step-mom. We've had our differences and trying times in the past, but I do love her and I am so very thankful she is here for me, my sister and brother right now. (And my dad and little bro.) I've talked to everyone in my immediate family. We're discussing what needs to be done, because it just has to be done.

I've sent in my signature on a self-written letter saying I authorize my mom's cremation. It's what she wanted and it's what I would want for myself. So this was not a hard thing to do. It's not the cold body that I need, it's my mom, alive and well. I'll have to do with my sister, brother, dad, step-mom and little youngest bro (lol, he's taller than any of us).

We're going to have a celebration of her life. She doesn't want a funeral. Again, that is totally fine with me. I want to remember her in the good times and with everyone crying happy tears.

Hubby and I will be flying out Thursday morning. It's going to be one hell of a flight (3 of them actually).

24 hours ago...

*Ok, so it is more than 24 hours now when I found out my mom had died. But I started thinking about this post right around the 24 hour marker.

My mom is dead

I got the dreaded call this evening (morning in the US) that my mom died of a heart attack today. I'm in shock, hurting, crying and in pain. I miss my mom! I'll never get to talk to her again! She will never get to meet any of my children. We won't get to go to Scotland together. No more knitted items from her. No more Skype calls with us sharing links of knitting stuff we like. She was too young to die. I'll never get to do anything with her again. I want my mom back!

Playing catch up on sleep

Why is it that every Sunday evening through Thursday evening I can't seem to get to bed until midnight or later? But come Friday night, I'm ready to crawl into bed at 10pm! That doesn't mean I am always in bed that early, but I'm usually dragging by that point. This Friday was no exception. It is also why I didn't blog on Friday, I was just too tired!

I had several things I wanted to say, but I'll just stop with one for now and the rest tomorrow. I was called into my bosses office on Friday and she told me to close the door and sit down. Once I had done that she said "You're getting a raise!". Woohoo! I like this sort of reason for being called into the bosses office. This bit of raise came about from the strikes we had earlier this year. Everyone in the industry will get a 1,5% increase and then there is a 1% increase to be dispersed local as the discretion of bosses. And I happen to be one of the lucky ones that got part of the 1%. Talk about a good way to start the weekend.

And now I'm off to bed, again.

Love and break-ups

No, not my own break-up, at least not a current one. I'm talking about Eva Longoria's recent break-up from her husband, Tony Parker. In the article I read, she had the following advice to pass on.

She told America's InStyle magazine: "One thing I did learn is you don't hold on to the bitterness of the loss; you hang on to the beauty of the love. Remember all the good things. There was a reason you met someone and a reason why you were together."

Exactly! That's exactly what I said when my ex and I broke-up and still say to this day, more than 13 years later. Actually, I've said and thought this about all of my exes, except for one. That one I wish I had never known, even if I did learn some lessons from him, the hard way.

My ex and I had been together for 4 years, living together for the last year. I was 17, almost 18 when we met. He was almost 21 and had just gotten out of the Navy. We hung out constantly for a month before we became an official item, on my 18th birthday.

He was/is a good guy. He was older (all my guys have been), made me laugh, could draw like nothing I had ever seen before and he also wrote poetry. Although, not your typical flowery poetry, this stuff was mostly dark and moody. I honestly can't remember what exactly it was that drew me too him. Other than what I've already mentioned and that his physical traits are they "type" I go for. Just taller than my 5'8'' (173cm), slender and slightly muscular, but definitely not over done, nice arms and a squarish jaw line (at least that is what I see). My ex introduced me to online MUD games (Multi-User Dungeon / Multi-User Dimension). Think Dungeons &Dragons online, but online. He also liked to drink and smoke.

Another thing that defined my ex, even if he didn't admit this to himself until many years later, is the fact that he is bi-polar. I don't mean that he has minor mood swings from happy to sad, he has full on episodes that sometimes last months at a time between the manic and depressive stages. When he's depressive he drinks a lot (more than normal) and does a lot of drawing and writing poetry. During these episodes he has also done bodily harm to himself. He has a starburst pattern of scars on his chest from a pair of scissors after a night of drinking (before I met him). Thankfully he didn't cut himself much when we were together, at least never anything like that.

We had our share of ups and downs. Many of our fights were over his drinking. He'd tell me that he was going to have a drink, just one. That one drink turned into one more drink and then another and another. Pretty soon it was many drinks and he was drunk and a bit aggressive. He never hit me or verbally abused me, but he also wasn't always the most pleasant. I think our first big fight was close to our one year anniversary and if I remember correctly, it had to do with alcohol. I've sometimes thought back to that and wondered why I didn't leave him then. I can't tell you why I didn't leave then, I can only say now that I hadn't learned what I need to learn yet. And hindsight is 20/20.

I can remember one fight in particular. We were at a friend's house and some of the guys left to go get some alcohol. They were gone for ages, I was tired and wanted to go home. Myself and someone else went to go look for them. We caught up with them at some bar. I wasn't 21 yet, so I had to wait until the friend brought him out. When my ex got outside we started arguing. How could he abandon me like that?! Especially when we were only supposed to be there for a short time and then go spend some quality time together. We were standing in the middle of the road (quite busy during the day) yelling at each other. We yelled at the top of our lungs. I even pushed him a few times. You know those two handed shoves to the shoulders. What I really wanted was to punch him. But I didn't. He ended up going his own way and I went home. I probably didn't hear from him for a day or so and I'm sure I was the one who went looking for him afterward.

We went to the local community college together. He lived with his parents, I moved out on my own and also moved back home at some point. We spent a lot of time with each others' families. He actually knew my stepmom before I did. His parents got to like me after they got over the fact that he was dating "the girl with that thing in her nose". After we'd been together for 3 years, we decided to move in together, a couple of hours away from our hometown. Life went on as normal, until our last big fight a few months before our 4th anniversary. Before this fight, I had noticed that I was distancing myself and pulling a way from it all for a while.

My ex was in one of his 'moods'. He had been out drinking with a co-worker (or more, I don't remember) and they got up to some mischief. Illegal mischief at that. And they brought their mischief back to our apartment. A huge pile of it into our living room. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I started freaking out on him, crying, screaming, yelling, crying some more. I cried so hard that night. I cried so hard I was in physical pain. It was one of the stupidest things he had ever done (that I knew about).

I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to get out of there. I had been corresponding with a guy from the MUD my ex and I played on. I decided I was going to take a month long holiday, in Finland! My ex and I had me this guy at the beginning of the year when we was in the US visiting other MUD people. My ex and I sort of broke-up, but in the end he suggested that we just take a break during this time, I agreed. Although, I knew that nothing would be the same and I wasn't sad to be leaving him behind while I went off on my adventure. My ex had also told me at some point earlier in our relationship that if we ever broke-up, that was it. We would be done and over with. No getting back together. I remembered this, even if he didn't.

I went to Finland. Had an amazing time! It was close to midsummer after all and it never got dark. How can a person not like that?! About halfway through my trip, I called up my ex and told him that we were done. When I came home, it would not be as his girlfriend. Where one romantic relationship ended, another started. But that was not the end of my dealings with my ex. At the end of my stay in Finland, my new guy and I flew back to the US (this was prearranged). My ex had just gotten out of the hospital for a collapsed lung. He blamed that one me. We tried talking some things through. He told me he was going to ask me to marry him before all this happened. It was all I could do to not laugh. Seriously?! I think he was just trying to poke me where it hurt. Talk about awkward moments as we all existed in the same 1 bedroom apartment for a while. My new guy and I ended up renting a U-haul at 5pm one evening and moving my stuff back home to my dad and stepmom's house.

My ex was very angry with me for a long time. The few times I talked to him soon after our break-up, he told me how everyone hated me in the town we had moved to for what I did. I was a bit upset that people would judge me so harshly (if it was even true), especially when they didn't hear my side of the story. How could I dare to being a new guy home already and to our shared apartment? (Did he forget this was arranged before I even left the US?) My ex tried to get our mutual friends to be mad at me. True friends didn't take sides. He told me that this new guy and I wouldn't last long and that this was just a rebound fling. And many more hurtful things. I never talked bad about him (even if he did about me) as I knew he was hurting, I was too. But I think more than anything he was shocked and hurt that I finally got enough of a spine and stood up for myself. I didn't take his crap anymore. I broke it of, not him. Not him.

In any case, I've always cared for my ex. I had spent almost 4 years with this guy, I truly cared for him. First and foremost, he was a friend before a boyfriend. I know we were together for as long as we were for a reason. Both of us needed to learn something( or somethings) and that was why we were in that relationship. I did get a letter from my ex a few years later. He told me he was sorry for how he treated me among other things. He was forgiven long before that. I had no bitterness towards him, nor anger. I still care for him and wish him the best in life.

(not so) Wordless Wednesday

I've been trying to think of something to post all day, but I just don't have it in me today. Nothing comes to mind that I want to share and I don't really want to try to think of something. The funny part of this is that I've just recently joined Prompt-ly, a 'place' meant for bloggers and writers to share ideas and prompts to help get our juices flowing. And yet, I have nothing today. But I have been thinking of this image all day, so I'll share it instead of more words.

p.s. Hubby would be shocked at my "loss" of words. LOL

First home owner's meeting

Today was our first home owner's meeting and I'm feeling totally scared shitless!! This will be the first home (half of a duplex) either of us will have owned. It is expensive, scary and a little bit exciting. I sure hope it will be more exciting at some point.

So many thoughts are running through my head and I'm not sure where to start:
a brand new home half of a duplex, all our own! It'll be ready in a year.
choosing wallpaper, floor tiles, kitchen counter tops, lighting, etc
there's sure to be disagreements and arguments
money, I hope DH gets a job soon
two ladies were very pregnant, one couple had their baby with them, others have kids. we have 2 cats
I ache that I'm not even a little bit pregnant
what the heck are they talking about? I understand many of the individual words in Finnish, but when they are strung together and spoken so quickly, I'm lost
panic, hold the tears in until we get into the car or even better yet, home

Now that I got that out, let me see if I can make sense of some of it.

This new home of ours is being built from scratch. The workers started on it a month or two ago and it will be ready in just under a year's time. Since we are in on this project from the beginning, we get to choose what things look like. There's wallpaper, floor tiles and kitchen counters to decide on. De we want extra plug-ins, change the lighting set-up or have a wood stove in the place? So many things to figure out and decide! And I'm not a stylish house decorating type of person. WTF do I know about this sort of stuff? My apartments and personal spaces have always been eclectic in substance and "style". This will be our place, they won't stop us from choosing the most hideous combo of colors or textures (except to charge more for some things). I want to have a grown up home. Albeit one that is lived in and not one that looks like it is straight from a fashion magazine. I'm tired feeling like a kid trying to be a grown up. (I'm not sure I'll ever succeed.)

I'm also very sure that DH and I will have many a arguments during this time. I'm quite sure they won't be over the bathroom sink, as we seem to be in agreement on that item.But I have a feeling there will be heated words over wallpaper, me not understanding Finnish, him being tired to translate and so on. I don't want this, but I know it is inevitable. *sigh*

DH seems to think we were one of the oldest couples there tonight. Although, it is quite often hard to judge how old people are. We are told we look younger than what we are (me 34, him 36). But it was obvious that several were younger than us and then others...no clue! In one couple, the guy looked young and the lady much older. Even if we are older than most, we don't have kids. That hurts. Especially seeing the baby and pregnant ladies. There's going to be many young kids when we move in. I'll be lucky if I'm ready to deliver by the time move in.

I do speak Finnish. I may not speak or understand it fluently, but I do a pretty good job with my Finnish. Even if DH doesn't give me enough credit for it, in my opinion. I think it partly has to do with the fact that we speak English together, always! But, when there are so many technical words, being spewed out at me rapid-fire like, I just don't understand it all! So, I sit there trying to listen, follow along and understand, but it's just useless at times. And when the topic is something as important as our house, I really would like to know what is going on.

And now the wind in my sails is finally dying out. I'm still scared and worried, but I'm also hopeful and excited.

The last thing that is in my mind this evening is the fact that this was the first place we looked at when we started looking for a house to buy. In fact, it was the only place (besides some online searches) we looked at! And it isn't even built yet! All I can think why can't everything be this easy? Not EVERYTHING has to be so damn freaking hard to accomplish!

RIP Sabby

There are several things on my mind tonight, but I'll only briefly mention them so I can post about the most pressing item on my mind: Sabby's passing.

- It's really really late (after 1am when I stared this) and I really should be in bed, but I need to get these thoughts out of my head.
- Tomorrow we have our first new home meeting and get to meet our new neighbors.
- Work is a bit stressful right now and I just wish it would go away, but it won't, at least not any time soon.

Sabby was my kitty for almost 19 years. Even though I've lived in Finland for the last 12 years and away from my mom's home for a couple of years before that, Sabby has always been mine (especially when she was in a witchy mood).

When I was 16, we had just moved to a new house across town. It was a place where we could finally have a pet that wasn't in a cage. And I wanted a black cat! At this point in my life, I was very much interested in Wicca and Pagan ways. And all witches are supposed to have a (black) cat as a familiar. *cheeky grin* We went to the local shelter and looked at kittens. We almost left without a kitten because I didn't see any black ones. But just as we were on our way out, I saw this itty bitty black thing in with some others. I wanted her immediately. Even if she did have dragon breath and worse yet, the breath of death! Yes, her breath was horrible! She would lick herself and her saliva would glue her fur in place. (Girls who used tons of hair spray back then would have been envious of this.) Her death-breath stayed with her for sometime, but thankfully she out grew it and was able to cleanly lick her fur.

As for her name, that wasn't easy to come by. What do you name a black cat? I asked her if she wanted to be called Blackie? I got a blank stare. Midnight? Another blank stare. Shadow? More staring. All of a sudden, it came to me: Black Sabbath? She gave me a wink and a chirrup and that's what she has been called ever since. Although, we've always called her Sabby for short. She wouldn't have just any ol' name, not this girl.

She had personality oozing from her. She would sleep under the covers with my sister, had a love-hate (although more love) with my brother and would hang out with me in my room. She knew whose window ledge to hop up on (mom's) to meow at to be let in. Or if it was late at night and my mom was still awake, she'd scratch on the window by the front door. She scratched that place so often and for so long, there were scratch marks in the glass. I talked to Sabby, she was my sanity at times. She even helped me paint my bedroom door. Ok, she didn't really help, but more got in the way, so I painted her toe nails red and purple. (I guess it wasn't the possibly toxins from acrylic paints that killed her, eh?) One time, I was petting her from head to tail. I would run my hand down her head, continue to along back and to the tip of her tail where my hand would stop at the ending position so Sabby had to turn around to repeat the petting process. After a couple of times of this she got fed up and bit me on the nose!

I'll miss her pissy old lady whine. But after living for almost 19 years, she definitely earned her right to talk as she please and act how ever she wanted.
I'll miss you Sabby!

My last picture of Sabby - Sept. 2010

Choosing a name

Hubby shared this with me today. He says it is a lot like me...and I reluctantly and laughingly agree.

xkcd: Permanence

This was borrowed from XKCD, a sometimes funny (imo) comic website.

O pangs and then some

One grumble today: I found out on Friday that a guy I work with is expecting. His wife is 8mo pregnant! I'm not totally surprised that I've only just now found out about it and not directly from him I might add. I wouldn't have been totally shocked if I would have heard "Oh, by the way, my wife had a baby a couple of months ago.." from him. I've worked with this guy for 3 years (although the last 6 mo he's been in a different department, but we still interact on a regular basis) and this is just the way he is. It still doesn't take away the sting of hearing about his good fortune and I can't help but uncharitably think that I've been married longer than him and probably trying longer than them also. That was my only downer to my wonderful Friday.

And now on to other stuff...

After my  +OPK on Wednesday evening and Thursday morning, I am sure I O'd during the day on Thursday. I felt it! I haven't felt O pangs in such a long time, like, for the last couple of years. It makes me wonder if around the time I stopped feeling O pangs is when my endometriosis showed up? Having mostly 28 day cycles (sometimes 27 or 29), I am quite confident that I ovulate around CD14. This would be confirmed in my mind, especially when I could feel pinching O-like pangs on the right or left side each month. I even tried telling a doctor around that time several years ago that I didn't feel them anymore and he just told me that women don't always feel them. But I used to! So why wasn't I anymore? Ugh, I wish more doctors would actually listen to us when we say something about our own bodies. (Enough of that rant. That's for another post, someday.)

As for Thursday, I was able to entice hubby into the bedroom for a bit of fun. Even if the outside and inside temperatures had been close to +30C for several days and have continued to be that hot since then. But, that is also the only BD we've gotten in this cycle around O time. Either it will work or it won't. I'm trying not to dwell on it much.

After what I believe was O on Thursday, I have continually had a stitch in my right side, right where my O pang was. Sometimes it is quite pangy and painful and others it is just a tugging feeling. Last night (or was it the night before?) I could barely turn over in my sleep because it hurt so bad. And still, more than 2 days later, I'm still feeling pangs where my right ovary is. Seriously! I'm just wondering if my O was so eventful and explosive that it has maybe bruised the area. (I never would have thought of this if it wasn't for a friend who had it happen previously and told me about it. It also happened to be the cycle she got pregnant.) I'm also feeling quite bloated the last 2 days or so. It's been short lived for that feeling to be gone.

No FET this month

I got (what I think is) a positive OPK last night and again this morning, but the clinic is counting yesterday's OPK as the day in which to count from. It would mean my FET would have happened on Monday, but no one is in the office on Sunday to thaw my lonely embryo. So, no FET this month.

Now, if I would have not tested yesterday in the evening or just not have said anything to the clinic, they would have gone by this morning's +OPK and I would have my FET on Tuesday. Doh! Hindsight is 20 / 20.

I am quite sure I have ovulated today. I've felt pinchy-twingy-pangs on my right ovary area off and on during the day. At one point they were much stronger than the rest. Now, my right side is just tender and a bit crampy. It almost feels as if I was kicked in the ovary. I manged to talk hubby into a BD session last night and I've almost extracted a promise for another tomorrow (Friday). Not that I really have any hope or expectations that this cycle will be any different than the previous 35 cycles, but you can't blame a girl for trying. Plus, I love my husband and I love being intimate with him!

I'm not too sad about the FET not working this month as I was already prepared for a summer break. The FET would have just been an added bonus and also allow us to start 100% fresh in the Fall. Now, we'll have this one lonely embryo to try an FET with before going onto IVF #3. I've been in a good frame of mind for the last 2 or so weeks. I hope I'll be able to continue this feeling of positivity and goodness. Having +25-30C degrees of wonderfully amazing weather right now doesn't hurt either! (I'm so not cold! Even my feet are warm.)

Happy start of summer to all!

CD10

 I went to my PGH appointment today to see about doing a FET with a natural cycle this month and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it all. I mean, I was feeling quite positive and upbeat the last week and a half. No stress and just going with the flow. As I was leaving PGH today, I sort of felt a bit down and not as upbeat. I guess we'll just have to see how things go, won't we?

Anyway, first thing was first at the appointment. I was asked when AF arrived (10 days ago) and if I was taking Zumenon (no, this is a natural cycle).  I was then told/asked to de-robe my lower half and hop up on the table. The doctor spent forever with the magic wand up my lady bits. Seriously, she was looking and looking at things for close to 10 minutes. Usually the doctors only look for a minute or two tops! It seemed there was lots to look at.

I have several liquid filled cysts on my right side, but thankfully they are not endometriosis related. The doctor wasn't so concerned about them. She thinks they might be left over from last cycle. The bummer part of having all of these little cysts is that they look a maturing egg. Some of them were definitely too big to be an egg, but she wasn't able to tell if one of the others was a normal sized maturing egg or if the egg was one of the smaller ones, thus meaning O won't happen for longer. On the left-hand side, there is my endometrial cyst. It is still right around 2cm, which is good. If it grows too much more (up to 3 cm?) I'll have to possibly go in for surgery again to remove it. The doctor commented that my lining was a bit thin at 6,6 - 7,4 mm. When asked I was told it should be closer to 1cm. My lining being thin is common for me. Sad, but true.

After my uterus was studied so intently and I was able to put my clothes back on. The doctor and I discussed my plan of action this month. For the next 5 mornings I will take an OPK to see if it is positive. If it happens to be positive tomorrow, this cycle is out the widow this month for the FET as the transfer would need happen next Monday. And the FET can't happen on Monday because they would need to thaw the eggie the day before and PGH isn't open on Sundays. The rest of the possible +test/transfer days are: Thurs/Tues, Fri/Wed, Sat/Thurs and Sun/Fri. If I don't get a + OPK at all, the cycle is out of the window. The doctor said that since this is a natural cycle they need to have a +OPK test to proceed. As my body will have to produce the FSH hormone on its own. I'm sure my body will ovulate, but I'm not sure the tests will pick up the hormones to give me the positive I need.

Finally, I asked some questions that I'd been thinking about lately and I got some answers, but not a lot. First, I asked what will happen if this FET doesn't work and we head into our 3rd IVF. What happens? She said that the nurses, doctors and lab tech-doctors will have a meeting to go over past treatments and make a plan of attack for the up coming cycle. I'm not sure if I (and hubby) would be involved in this meeting or not. If the 3rd IVF fails, I'm not sure if I'll get a 4th chance via PGH (public health care) or if I'll have to start with a private clinic and more expenses.

Second, I asked what blood tests I have had done and if there are any more that I could have done. I've had HIV, Hepatitis B & C and Syphilis test done, all negative of course. And then this year I also had an endometriosis growth blood test done, or at least something along those lines. And in any case, the results came back normal. The doctor did prescribe one more blood test to be done: AMH, which is Anti-Mullerian Hormone. I wasn't sure what this was, so I had to Google it. From my new understanding it is a test some doctors use as an indication of ovarian reserve or function. I'm ok with that test.

Third, I mentioned my discomfort and almost pain in my lady bits after stopping Lugesteron when I get a BFN. The doctor said that the symptoms I described are not unheard of. She then went on to ask if I have any allergies to nuts. I told her I don't have allergies per say, but I do find that I have irritations to. (Does having an irritation-reaction count as an allergy? Even if I haven't been diagnosed with a 'nut allergy'?) So, she wrote me a prescription for Progesterone to try next time around.

Fourth, the doctor put us in line for our 3rd IVF treatment to tentatively start during week 36 (September sometime).

So, to sum up this very long post.  If I get a +OPK in the next 2-5 days, I'll call the clinic and go in for a FET. If I don't get a +OPK, hubby and I will have to time our own IC and life will continue like normal this summer. If the FET doesn't happen this month, our next appointment would then potentially be sometime in August, depending on if I happen to be in China during the important time of my cycle.

Thank you to those of you who managed to read this far.

WoooHooooo!

According to Blogger, this is my 100th post. How's that for a Monday? But the real reason for my happy title is that I went to BodyCombat today and man, oh man, alive! I love love LOVE the new program!!!

This new BodyCombat program is all about Taekwon-do (kicks) and some Muay thai (standing, up close fighting) movements. There are tons and tons of kicks! The combo of them is fun and different. The music is good (as usual). And I really got a work out! After today's class I was thoroughly sweaty, red-faced and slightly out of breath. I know my buttocks will be sore in the next day or two. Woohoo!

On the other hand, I really do miss Taekwon-do training, but with IF treatments taking quite a bit of time and and not wanting to risk being kicked or hit in the stomach during the 2WW, I've opted to not practice TKD for some time now. Going to BodyCombat at the gym is my alternative and a great way to get aggression out of my system. hehe. BodyCombat was also what I was doing before I tried TKD and found that I love it! I would love to participate in competitions again. I wasn't very good at the patterns (tul), especially in competition, but they are fun to learn. I did love the sparring part of competitions. Doing high kicks to my opponents head and winning my fight (and gold) was an awesome feeling!!

Sunday soup

It's Sunday evening, which means I should think a little bit about preparing for work tomorrow. And I so don't want to! The weekends are never long enough, especially when its been a nice and sunny one. Saturday was windy as could be, although it was still warm. Hubby and I were too lazy to walk to the store (excuse was the wind), so we first drove to where our house is being built (only 50 more weeks or so left) and then to the food stores. Today was much less windy and we headed to the local university lawn to lay out. We were good and used suntan lotion. I did seem to miss the area right under my swimsuit top and got an itty-bit of pink, but not more than that. The rest of the weekend has been spent reading and watching a few TV shows (Castle, Sanctuary and Dresden Files). I even did a few loads of laundry. Yay me! Now only if the dishes would get done.

Here are a few things that have been bouncing around in my head the last few days:
-June 1st was Mel's birthday (Happy Birthday!) at Stirrup Queens. She did a b-day give-away and I won (1 of 4 prizes)! The company that sponsored the give-away doesn't want to ship to Finland (happens often), so it'll be shipped to my mom's address in the US. Hopefully I'll get it some month.

-I noticed this weekend that I'm feeling much better about my body. The discomfort in my lady bits is gone and so are the bloating feelings. During this almost year and a half of IF treatments, I've not noticed too much in the way of side effects. Sure, I've had some moodiness and bloating, but most of it has gone away quite quickly. This last time around though, I was feeling majorly bloated for quite some time. I just don't think I realized it until last week. But thankfuly the bloated feeling had gone away and so has a kilo or two! Now I just need to get myself back in the gym (again) and tone that tummy and waist area.

-Hubby and I went out for dinner out this evening. We had hamburgers. Meh, they were ok, but I don't think I'll be wanting to eat there again any time soon.

-Last night as hubby and I were watching some TV shows, we got on the topic of how we wanted our body dealt with when we die. We both agreed on being cremated. But I said I wanted to be an organ donor first. He said that would be a good thing, as he didn't think they'd be able to do much with a person's organ after they were cremated. In addition, when I said "I think my US driver's license says I'm an organ donor" he told me that I don't know how to play one and that I couldn't be one as I don't have one (an organ, the piano type one). We both had a good laugh over that. And those are the types of things my hubby says all the time. He's very good at word play and something I love him for.

-Workshadowing started last week at work and will still continue until the beginning of August. Workshadowing is what we call teaching a job to someone new so they can take the job back to their office. I workshadowed in the US and brought the work/job here to Finland. Now the Chinese are workshadowing us and taking the work back to China. I'm a bit bummed because I love what I'm teaching and a bit sad it'll be leaving me. But, I am thankful that my job with the company will continue, for now.

-Later this month, I'll be going to another Postcrossing meeting. This time I'll be catching a ride with a couple and we'll go to the Verla Groundwood and Board Mill, which is a UNESCO world heritage site. I'm excited to check out another UNESCO site in Finland and to see an interesting part of history.

-PGH appointment on Tuesday. I don't think I'll O until around Sunday. So, I wonder if they'll want to try to do the FET before (Friday) or just after (Monday)? I guess I'll have to wait and see.

potato-chicken casserole

It's been a windy lazy day. I'm reading Into the Wildernessby Sara Donati and I've read a couple hundred pages today alone, with just under 400 pages left. Thankfully I have the 2nd book in the series already, but I am concerned about what I'm going to do after that. When I get into a series of books, I run with it! I devour the series until there is no more and then I lament the end of the series. No need to dwell on that for now though.

Yesterday I made a peruna-broilerikiusaus, which roughly translates to potato-chicken casserole. I didn't follow any sort of recipe, but rather thought of other recipes I've made over the years and went from there. In the end, it was a very basic recipe, but it was quite good.

peruna-broilerikiusaus / potato-chicken casserole

6-8	medium potatoes
1 pkg (~400g)	marinated shredded chicken
2	eggs
~5 dl	milk
1	onion  (I didn't add one this time, but that is only because we didn't have one in the house.)
pinch	pepper

Directions:
-wash and cut the potatoes into small pieces and then boil them until almost done. The potatoes will cook quickly because they are chopped up small.
-fry up the chicken.
-beat the eggs well, add the milk and pepper.
-add the potatoes and chicken into the milk mix.
-bake in the oven for about 1hour at 200C
-let the casserole cool a little bit before serving with a nice green salad and enjoy.

Rhubarb season

I love sour and tangy things. I eat the lemon wedges they give you in restaurants for your iced tea or fish. I used to beg my grandma to buy me the lemon shaped lemon juice bottles so I could drink them. I love sour gummy candies, WarHeads and Cry Baby Sour Gum. (My mouth is watering right now just typing about them!) I also like to eat rhubarb, freshly peeled.  

Good thing it is rhubarb season! I'm in the mood for sour!


I just got some nice big stalks of rhubarb from my friend R earlier this week. It inspired me to make some Rosemary Lemon Rhubarb Spritzer, which I stumbled upon last summer! This drink is awesomely fresh and a great summer drink Don't let the rhubarb and rosemary combo put you off, it is truly yummy! The only thing I really change in the recipe is I use much less sugar (it's always easier to add more than take some out). Oh, and if you don't have fresh rosemary, dried works well too.

Hubby has requested the Mexican corn salad that I made last weekend. And I think Im in the mood to try a new recipe this weekend. Stay tuned!

progesterone after effects

I know that progesterone suppositories can have side effect while you are taking them, but what about after you've stopped taking them?

During my last IVF and more recently my failed first FET, I've taken progesterone suppositories during the 2WW and once I get the BFN, I can stop taking them. What I've noticed is that after I stop taking the suppositories and my body absorbs or expels the last of the progesterone, my lady bits and especially my clitoris get sore. It almost feels as if the entire region is dry or lacking any sort of lubricant. And as I said, the discomfort is especially felt in my clitoris area. It is tender, sore and sometimes even painful.
I remember that I was going to mention it to my doctor during the following visit after the failed IVF, but the pain and discomfort went away before I went in. (out of sight pain, out of mind) I think I'll write this down as one of my questions to ask the doctor.
Now that it is happening again, I'm wondering if this is the correlation and if anyone else has experienced it?

It's been a few bleh days

It's been a few days since I've written anything, but that's not to say that I haven't had posts going through my head. When I got home from work on Monday, hubby was was in a right foul mood. It put be in a not so good mood either. I ended up going for an almost 6km (3,7mi) walk, talking to a good friend, on the phone, along the way. I ended up where our new place is being built and then I took the bus back home. Hubby and I didn't really talk the rest of the night. He was still grumpy Tuesday, so I tried to stay out of his way. I didn't see him at all on Wednesday, as I left for work before he woke up and he was at a friends house until the wee hours of the morning today. Today has been a decent day though. We've both spent most of it in bed reading. It's helatorstai aka Ascension Day and it's a public holiday. I honestly don't know what it is for as I'm not a religious person and I'm tired of looking it up each year what it means. So, if you don't know what it is and want to know, you've got to Google it for yourself.

I did call the clinic on Monday and I have an appointment for next week's Tuesday (June 7th). I'm positive I'll have an ultasound to see where my body is in terms of ovulation and if/when we can thaw and transfer our last little lonely embryo. This cycle will be natural: no stims, no hormones, just timing. I'm not sure if I'll need to do progesterone suppositories or not, that'll be something to ask next week. I'll also be asking what blood tests have been done (yeah, I know, I just never asked and went along with what they told me to do) and if there are anymore tests we could do that might shed some light on why I'm still not pregnant. I will try to not stress and not worry about this cycle, especially as I don't really have much hope for it already. (I think this 'no hope' thing has to do with infertility wearing me down.) But it sure seems silly to leave that one lonely embryo there. And, I'd rather start with a fresh IVF cycle after the summer.