23 July 2012

IF feelings don't go away just because you are pregnant

This weekend Mr Siili and I attended my SIL and BIL's combined birthdays. It has surprisingly been quite an interesting experience for me. There has been kids of every age there; from almost 17 years old to those still baking (me and another lady). While looking at these families, I have found my thoughts ranging from jealousy, to comradery, to pride and everything in between.

The jealousy comes from feeling (and knowing) that all (most) of these families have been able to become a family easily. I also can't help but feel, still, why not me? Why have I had to take so long to get even get pregnant, when so many others have been able to have several kids? I know there is no answer, but the thoughts and feelings just don't go away.

On the other hand, being as visibly pregnant as I am now, there is no way anyone can mistake me for anything but being pregnant. And this makes me feel a bit connected to those women who already have kids. I will soon know what they have gone through and I will get to join their club that I have been denied for so long.

(Mr Siili came to talk to me right after I wrote the last bit and I tried explaining to him how I am loving being pregnant and that I don't want to hurry it along, but I can't wait until Paxlet is here and how I'll belong to THAT club. Then I started crying. Stupid pregnancy hormones.)

I also can't help but feel very proud of my body. Finally, some how, some way, my body overcame its brokenness. I know this doesn't mean my body isn't still broken in the future if we decide to try for another kid, but for now, it's working! This feeling of blending in with the fertiles, or at least looking as if I do, feels kind of neat and gives a sense of pride. Even if I know in my mind the truth of it all.

Really, there are just so many thoughts in my head that it's sort of hard to get them all straight and coherent in my head and in black and white words. What it all boils down to is that even though I have succeeded in getting pregnant (and soon give birth to our little boy) I'm still infertile and these not so pleasant and conflicted thoughts most likely won't ever go away.