15 January 2012

What to say? What not to say?

I've seen this blog post on many blogs and now I finally and fully understand it. It's the dilemma many newly pregnant bloggers have of how much and what (if anything) should I blog about my pregnancy? I've read the posts and the comments and I know the answers. But that still doesn't make it any easier in my mind.

I spent three and a half years trying to get pregnant. I spent even a few years before that wanting to start trying and waiting for just the right time. I was waiting for Mr Siili to be more ready (although I'm not sure if that ever really happened) and also for me to be stable in my job (that did happen and I told Mr Siili when that was in place, we were going to start TTC). During this time, I saw all my friends, many co-workers, and even a couple of cousins get pregnant and have their kids. Some of them even twice! I started blogging more seriously and found an amazing online community of (mostly) women who understood what I was going through. Some of them have been able to press forward and get out of these trenches and make it home from the struggle, some thought they had gotten out but were pulled back in unexpectedly. Then there are some, who are still struggling, waiting and hoping. I know what that is like! I've been there and I won't ever forget. And that is what makes this so difficult.

In my heart, I know I write this blog for myself. I want to and need to write what happens during my journey, all of it. But in my head, I know there are other people reading this. (I'm totally tickled I have followers!) Women who are still struggling with trying to get pregnant and I know that by writing about my pregnancy, I might be hurting them. I don't want to do that, but at the same time, as I said, I need to write what is in my heart and head.

This also leads me to commenting on other women's blogs. I want to comment and give support and encourage like I always have, but I worry about how they'll feel if a pregnant woman comments on their post commiserating and saying they understand what they are going through. (I rarely comment that I am pregnant, unless it is specifically called for.) Especially when I'm no longer in their situation. I know that doesn't stop me from remembering and having been there myself, but it still doesn't change the fact that I'm not there anymore. I'm in a different situation now.

I also wonder, if you and someone else are mutually following each others blogs, but the other person stops following your blog (right around the time you announce you are pregnant), should you stop following their blog too? Or at the least, should I not comment on her blog, as my situation apparently hurts her. :(

I have no idea how much this all makes sense. I've tried to put it out here in a logical order, but it just feels as if I am rambling on (like I usually do, Hah!) in no apparent order.

13 comments:

  1. I figure that almost all of the ttc blogs out there become 'parenting after infertility' blogs eventually. :) You blog about what you need to blog about, and if it hurts for other people to read about it sometimes, then they can walk away. Reading about other ppl's pregnancies makes me sad right now, I have to admit, but reading other people's blogs also reminds me that life goes on. Some days I can take it, and other days I can't, but that's ok.

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  2. I know how you feel. I am so afraid to hurt other people if I say anything a lot our very new pregnancy. However, I need to remember that even when I was "in the trenches" I still enjoyed seeing other people finally get pregnant or get matched with a birth mom after years. It gave me hope. Let me know if you figure out how to handle this :)

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  3. Blog what's important to you and don't worry about others. I think those struggling to get pregnant are happy when someone has made it to the next level.
    I find comfort with reading the journey of others. I don't feel as alone.

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  4. Its a tough call girl. There are some that it may bother but there are those of us who find joy, hope and encouragement in your successes. That if its happening for you it will for us.

    I struggled with this after our first ivf. I felt conflicted and how things could change so "quickly." My bff had a failed cycle the month before we started our cycle. We've talked about it since and she swares that she was never happier for anyone, but maybe there's a little piece inside all of us that's still tender. No matter how close the person is to you.

    For me, the difference is where you've been. You know this pain first hand. And just because your pregnant now doesn't mean you can no longer relate to us. You can and you'll always be able to. I can be happy for you because you are one more person who is fighting and conquering your battle with IF. And to that, I say congratulations! May we all follow in your shoes!

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  5. I have had these exact same thoughts, though I'm not pregnant, but I have wondered what to do when I am. My mother was just asking me about this yesterday, in fact. She thought I might need to be careful so as not to be rude, when I am pregnant. Here are my two cents: this is your blog, it's for you. That's why you made it. It's a venting device, a place for reflection. So go ahead and do that. All of us with infertility blogs have a hope of eventually getting pregnant, right? Which means we might all have pregnancy blogs someday. So I believe you need to say what's on your mind. That said, you wouldn't need to brag or boast or whatever (and you don't, at all), because that could be insulting. But people who really care about you and your journey will stick around, even if they take a little leave of absence at first. And if they do leave for good, you know, you can't do anything about that. That's okay. They need their own time. So don't be upset with those who might leave, but don't feel bad either. Remember, your blog is about you. And I'm not pregnant, but I don't mind reading about those who are. I may have important questions for you someday! Not to worry - you're doing it just fine.

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  6. Great questions and ones I have asked myself too. My approach is to act like a human -- you are human to have the feelings you do and want to express them. If someone is suffering, you are human to want to say something kind, despite the status of your body, belly, etc. : ) That's all you can do.

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  7. It's a tricky one and I don't know if I can entirely explain it. When I was ttc, I read some pg blogs but definitely found some harder to read than others, and ended up dropping some completely.

    I steer away from having pictures in mine, and I think have gradually got less worried about upsetting people as the weeks have moved on - looking back, I think it might be best to be cautious at first, but the readers who aren't in the right space to visit a 'pregnant after' blog in the style the blogger writes in will fall away as the pregnancy gets more established.

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  8. Keep on keeping on is what I say! I have had a really hard time with many pregnancy announcements...but not yours. I know it's ridiculous, but I feel like you deserve it more than people who have sex once and it happens :) You've struggled like we all have, and you got out! The good thing about blogging is that they can always stop reading!
    www.the-empty-uterus.blogspot.com

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  9. I like to consider myself an adult. Occasionally. :) And as an adult I get to choose what I read, if for some reason I find what you are writing painful, I will not read that one.
    I appreciate your concern for others in different situations, but I am here for your story, whatever that may be.

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  10. Thank you ladies! Your comments where exactly what I was hoping for and expecting (from the other responses I've read). Thank you!

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  11. I have struggled with this myself. But realized that the ones who follows you and keep on doing so is (hopefully) interested in you as a person, not only your dark struggles. And there's so much more to a person than just this story although if it becomes a pure pregnancy blog I do understand why people can't read any more. It may simply hurt too much.

    And this is one of the reasons why I needed a change in my blog which I had thought about for quite some time. But I think if you can balance it all there shouldn't be a problem.

    Also, we are all adult and choose what we read, as much as you get to choose what you want to write.

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  12. As someone still trying, the support is definitely appreciated. I think, to me, it is different coming from someone who *gets it* or has been through the struggle.
    I think blogging is a great way to process thoughts and something akin to free therapy! You should blog about your experience as you go through it - those who can't read will stop, but at the same time, new people will find you on your journey and be able to relate and draw support from that.

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  13. I have not yet been upset with a blog pregnancy announcement or posts or pics. I know all these people have struggled and they deserve to be excited and post about their pregnancy. Do it however you want to. Whatever way makes you happy. And like others have said there will be people who can't read it, but others can and you never know if or when people will be in a better place and return or new people will come in.

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