Taking back myself

I love to bake and cook. I have more recipes cut out of magazines and printed from online sites than I know what to do with, but I just can't seem to help myself. I love food!

Part of my relaxing this summer and not stressing about TTC or IF treatments (or lack of them during the summer) is to do things I like and that make me happy. The sort of things that make me who I am or at least who I want to be and not the person I've become during this last year and a half of treatments and 3 years of TTC.

So, here's to trying more new recipes, doing some arts and crafts, sewing, reading and just plain ol' enjoying summer!

Here's the recipe I found this weekend and tried last night. Very simple and full of ingredients I like individually, so why wouldn't they be good together? I quite liked this. Hubby liked it too!

Meksikolainen maissisalaatti / Mexican corn salad

1 bag / ~1 1/3 cup	frozen or canned corn
1	avocado
1	cucumber (peeled, unless you use an English cucumber)
1	red onion
3 tablespoons	finely chopped herbs, for ex. basil, chives and parsley
2 tablespoons	lemon juice
1 tablespoon	olive oil
pinch	salt & ground black pepper

Melt and drain the corn. Cut the avocado in half, remove the stone and then peel it. Cut the avocado into little pieces and sprinkle the lemon juice on top of it to prevent it from browning. Cut the cucumber into little cubes. Peel and chop the onion into small pieces. Mix all the ingredients together. Make the dressing by mixing the lemon juice, oil and herbs together. Then pour it on top of the salad. Stir it together and enjoy!

First ICLW a success

As the title says, this was my first time participating in ICLW and I think it was a success! I started the month with 2 followers and I now have 12. How cool is that? Somones (yes, I typed that correctly) out there actually want to read what I have to say! I've also grown the list of blogs I follow.

It has been very interesting to ready so many different blogs on similar and varying topics. I've learned some new things, shared sorrow and joy with others and all in all, just had a good time. It is great to know and feel that I am not alone in my journey (with hubby) to get pregnant and just live life. There is an amazing community out there.

Thank you to everyone who stopped by, read my blog and commented. I've enjoyed it all and can't wait to participate again next month!

Starting cycle #36

Spotting started yesterday evening, with more flow at night and AF is fully here today. This makes cycle #36 for us. I'll call the clinic tomorrow to let them know and I'll also ask about getting the lonely frozen embryo transferred during this natural cycle. It will all be up to timing (like always).

I've got cramps. I've taken some painkiller, but I've still got cramps! Normally I have very minimal cramps and they only last the first day. If these continue for much longer or stay this bad, they are definitely worse than what I normally have and I think it will be due to the Zumenon.

It's cloudy, windy & rainy outside. It seems fitting for today.

Fantastic Friday

Friday was an awesome day for me and one that I needed for some time. So many good and positive things happened to make it a great day for me. Not to mention that just by the fact that it was Friday, it had to be a good day!

Having said that it was a great day, let me get the one not so pleasant thing out of the way first so I can focus on everything positive. Ever since stopping the progesterone, I've been a bit dry and itchy in the lady part area. Ugh, I can't wait for that feeling to go away!

And now, on with the good.
Really, Friday started out like any other day. I did get to sleep a bit earlier the night before, so I actually got close to 7 hours of sleep. Yay me! The alarm went of, I woke up, got ready for work and went to work.

At work, I was able to help a co-worker with some of his stuff so that he could focus on a messy project that really needed to be cleaned up.

Then, a lady from IT brought me the 2nd monitor I had asked for/requested via my TeamLeader. It was a different size than what I already had, so it was given to my co-worker, but IT lady did bring me a matching monitor a bit later in the day. IT Lady also figured out why my computer is insanely and extremely slooooow! So painfully slow it literally stresses me out. She will build me a new computer and bring it to me early next week. Yes!
And this was all before lunch! Ok, so what that I didn't go to lunch until almost 1pm?!


After lunch, BigBoss wished to speak to me. I went to her office and she told me that I was not going to get assigned an extra duty that I had said I'd be willing to take on. She just wanted to let me know that it wasn't because of any lack of skills or what not, but rather that she would like to keep me available for some other projects that will be coming up later this fall. I told her it wasn't a problem and that I understood. Remember my mantra of late? No stress.

I told her about my mantra and somehow from my comment, we got on the topic of having too much work to do (she's insanely swamped), health, taking care of oneself and taking time off (planned & unplanned). She brought up the reason that she was off work about a year ago for an extended period of time was because she had an emergency hysterectomy. I knew she was out of work, hard not to notice, but I had no idea what the reason was.
(I'm not sure if anyone wants to read about her story of an emergency hysterectomy, but I want to share it as it meant so much to me that she confided in and shared with me. Skip the rest of this paragraph if you don't want to read it.) Basically, as she was in the air flying somewhere, got horribly sick and started really bleeding. She then went straight to the hospital thinking it was maybe appendicitis, only to be shocked with an oncologist doctor coming in to talk to her. During the exam, they found a huge mass (23cm?) in her abdomen area that they thought was a tumor and it had burst, which is what was causing the bleeding. BigBoss was told they were going to do surgery soon and that they'd start her on chemo right after. She was prepared for the worst. When the doctors were in for the surgery, they instead found an endometriomal cyst (that's what I had/have!). They remove her uterus, ovaries and appendix (because they were in there). BigBoss told me that in the beginning this was difficult on her emotionally and how she struggled with the fact that her fertility was taken away from her. She is now on HRT to help ease her body in to menopause. As I told her I understood the emotions of hormones, surgery and such stresses like that (not being able to have kids), I decided then and there to tell her what hubby and I have been going through. Saying that one understands or at least partially understands what another is going through, doesn't give it much clout, strength or confidence unless you can back it up with your own experiences. Once it was all out in the open and we talked a bit more, I felt tears at the back of my eyes and a lump in my throat, but I fought it back. I was so proud of myself for not breaking down. So, now my bigboss knows that hubby and I are TTC and that we have been for some time, without success. But I don't mind. It was Friday and it felt good to share.

After work, I met hubby downtown where we walked to the restaurant that we were going to have dinner at with another couple. We used the 2 gift certificates we bought a while back (each cost 25€, but valued at 50€ worth of food each). I ordered a strawberry margarita! My second alcoholic drink of the year (I don't like alcohol generally, but since the FET was a BFN, I decided to do something that I wouldn't have done if pregnant!). And man oh man, was it yummy!! We all had yummy food and yummy dessert. The night was still early so we decided to head back to the couples' house. I got a quick tour of their house as I hadn't been there in a while and they'd done some more remodeling. We drank (they alcohol, me tea), ate Turkish delight candies, chocolate, Karjalan piirakka and played Dominion four times. I lost every time, but it was still fun and I'd love to play it again.

We were offered a bed to stay the night, but our kitties hadn't gotten their nightly snack and we felt we should go home to check on them. We took a taxi and arrived home just before 4am (the receipt confirms it)!! I haven't been out that late in, forever! I took a shower, stumbled into bed and promptly fell asleep.

The goodness continued even to today! Once we woke up hubby and I lazed in the bed reading and chatting. When we finally got dressed to go to the store, I bought some sweet things to eat (chocolate, choco-covered cookies, chocolate-licorice ice cream and nougat candies), just because. We didn't really eat proper food today, but that's ok every once in awhile. Then I drank tea and watch the 2 final episodes of American Idol. I was surprised at who won, but I think that person deserved it.

And now here it is after midnight in the early hours of Sunday morning. (Does anyone else take forever composing and writing a post?) It's time for me to go to bed and hopefully continue with this fantastic weekend when I wake up.


p.s. The text in bold struck me as something important and maybe even profound, which is why it is made more noticeable.

Thankful Thursday

I'm feeling thankful today and it so happens to be Thursday, so this is what you get.

I am thankful...
- that tomorrow is Friday and I have a dinner date with hubby and another couple.
- for my hubby, our cats, that we have a place to live and all that "normal" stuff to be thankful for.
- for my job. Really! I like what I do and the people I work with.
- for the hot Jasmine green tea I'm drinking right now.
- for going to the gym. Even though I wasn't in the mood and it was all I could do to make myself do the kicks and punches for BodyCombat, I'm glad I went.
- for the few Reese's pieces candies I have left to eat.
- that even though this cycle didn't work, I still have at least one more IVF round in the public health care system that I can still be hopeful for in the fall.
- to still have hope. Although, I think it will take a little while to get it back in full strength.
- for my friends, although I wish I saw them more.
- for the pomegranate post written by the Stirrup Queens, it led me to ICLW.
- for all of my blog followers, comments and the IF online community I've recently found here.
- to be healthy.
- that hubby and I were able to make the first installment payment for our house. (We're much poorer now. *big grin*)
- that the pollen is mostly don't blooming and that I don't have such a red-scaly nose anymore.
- that summer is almost here and that the days are much longer!
- for my summer holiday towards the end of July. 3 whole weeks in a row!

I'm really just thankful to be here and be able to think of things I am thankful for. hehe

It's what I expected, but it isn't all so bad

Today marks 2 weeks since my first FET and the day on which I could officially test. And test I did. It was a BFN. Not that I expected anything different. Of course I am sad, but not sad enough (yet) to cry or be too depressed. Mostly, I'm just sadly aware that another month and another cycle has gone by and I'm still not pregnant. I'm also sad that I don't feel I really have a chance of getting pregnant until sometime in the fall. The reason being is that the clinic I go to closes down for the month of July (summer holiday). And being that this is the end of May and they want me to do a natural cycle before attempting any more hormones (I think because of the Zumenon, which builds endometrium lining + me having endo), I won't be able to do anything until they get back from holiday in August. Then it also depends on when and where my cycle falls and when my turn in the IVF waiting line comes up.

Although this is a semi-sad-feeling day, I have much to be thankful for:
- I had a hair appointment (wash & trim) today. It now looks so pretty.
- I took Lydia (my car) to her yearly mandatory inspection. She passed with flying colors. The only comment was that I need to get new tires (already been planned) and to drive extra carefully when it rains before that.
- I managed to get done with Lydia's appointment earlier than expected/planned, so I was able to eat lunch (chicken soup) and make it to an important meeting at work!
- 12 hours after my last suppository and Zumenon pill, I'm feeling quite crampy, but thankfully I have pain killer! (I fear this will be a killer period and I almost never have painful periods, which is why I think my endo wasn't diagnosed earlier.)
- I was going to put going to the gym on this list, but I just don't feel like it. I think I'll go buy me some chewing gum and a new toothbrush instead.

Pretty Picture Weekend

As I mentioned on Friday, I went to The Night of the Museums. There was 6 of us total and it was a blast. We saw so many different and amazing exhibits and we walked waaay too much. In the end, I think we went to 8 different museums/galleries all over town. Here's a few pictures from that evening.

   

And then on Saturday, I met up with some Postcrossing gals. (Postcrossing is where you send one postcard to a random person and receive a postcard from a random person. I'll blog about it more later.) We went to some different places than where I was the previous day.

 

Then on Sunday, hubby (I really should find something else to call him) and I to look at where our house is being built. We're going to try and make it a weekly Sunday tradition to go and take pictures of it being built. It doesn't look like much yet, but I can tell from last week's photos to this one that they have done something!

One of those moments

A light bulb over the head moment. An 'Aha' moment. An epiphany moment. Whatever you want to call it, I had one of those moments this evening.

My moment was the realization that I have been quite unfair to some of my friends. Two in particular. Especially during the last few years as I've been going through this maze of infertility, treatments and BFNs each month, the times when I've been feeling alone, woe is me, none of my friends know what I'm going through, so on and so forth. Tonight, I realized that is not true. My friends have been going through their own version of IF. While it isn't anything like what I'm going through, they are going through secondary IF also!

One friend has an almost 7yo boy. (When she was pregnant with him, that started my baby craze!) She has been trying ever since to have another child. She has been pregnant two more times, but both ended in mc. The other friend has an almost 2yo old girl. This little girl is a miracle. The doctors told my friend it wasn't a viable pregnancy (on multiple dr visits), gave her the prescription to end it but she didn't. She has also found out since that because of her migraines and other hormone issues, that she is very lucky her pregnancy went full term with a healthy baby.

So, while these two have a child in their life, they too are experiencing IF. That is what I didn't see. That is what just clicked and was my 'moment' tonight. We are all on the same side of different coins. They may never fully understand exactly what I am going through and I can't possibly understand their situation either, but we are all desperately wanting a(nother) child.

I am now off to share this moment with my two friends via email, because 1. it is too late to call and 2. I am such an emotional wreck tonight that I wouldn't be able to get the words out of my mouth without breaking down into huge sobs.

Two more sleeps until I officially test.

p.s. What do the numbers (#8, #44, etc) mean for ICLW comments?
p.p.s. edited to add some clarification: I've known the whole time that my friends have been TTC. It just never clicked in my mind and processed as it did last night. Even though they have a child, they are now having troubles with conceiving a 2nd child. I was narrowly seeing IF (albeit secondary IF, even for me) as "not having a kid at all".

May's ICLW

This is my first time participating in the International Comment Leaving Week (ICLW). I found Stirrup Queens' blog and everything that is attached to it about a month ago and it has been great! I am so glad I found this online community. It has been such a relief and comfort to finally find so many others out there like me. Before I found Stirrup Queens I was really feeling low and like there wasn't anyone out there like me. I know that isn't so, but when you don't know anyone who is truly going through what you are going through, this is such a lonely path. I have belonged to other online communities before (iVillage.com, for example), but have since left them for one reason or another. This community though, I feel it has so much to offer me right now and I hope to stay put.

I just recently shared condensed blog post about my TTC timeline and you can find the longer version from the tabs at the top. So I won't go into that in this post. But, while out fulfilling my ICLW duties today tonight, I did see someone had posted some confessions about themselves and I liked it, so I'm going to copy her.

Some confessions of me:
- I really enjoy getting to the end of a product, such as finishing a whole tube of chapstick, using a pen until it is gone, using the last of the dental floss.

- I collect my cat's whiskers when I find them laying around. I never pluck them from the cat!

- I am American by birth and Finnish by application/naturalization.

- I don't really miss living in the USA, but I do miss my family some. I just wish they'd contact me more instead of me being the one to initiate calls and such.

- I love my husband dearly and I will spend my life with him, but I'm not sure if he is my best friend. And I feel guilty about that sometimes.

- For years, I would collect my used contact lenses in a little jar thinking that I would turn it into an art project called "lost vision". I just recently threw it away and then this weekend when I was at the Night of the Museums, I realized that my 'vision' wasn't so far out there.

- I never really knew what I wanted to be when I grew up (I still don't). I started out college with art classes, but I never really felt that I was an artist, but more of a crafts type of person. I ended up getting a degree in International Business. I don't see myself as a business person either. How much farther can you get from one ends of the job spectrum to the other?

- I've won gold in a Taekwon-do competition for my belt level & weight class.

- I love love love reading. Especially Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series, vampires and other horror (not scary stuff though) sci-fi, fantasy and fiction. But I must read books in order. Nothing drives me more crazy than reading books out of order.

- I am easily annoyed, just ask my husband. LOL (edited to add some examples of what annoys me: repetitious noises (ping ping of the computer each time someone in the office does something or the damn baby seagulls on the building roof next to us going "peep peep peep peep peep peep" 24/7), someone chewing their gum like a cow, etc)

Overreaction?

Well, AF isn't here and I haven't seen any more color on my liner since the pink yesterday. I think I may have overreacted. *blushing* I came home to DH after the Night of the Museums and started crying. I was so sure this FET cycle was done and over with and there was no need to continue taking Zumenon nor the progesterone suppositories. But, DH said I should continue taking the meds as instructed by the doctor until I know for sure that I am not pregnant. So, I have continued taking them. And I'll be testing on Wednesday like the doctor said I could.
I'm not so hopeful any more, but let's see what happens...

Unwanted visitor

I'm blogging on the "road" (still running around town looking at museums). And I think AF is here. I'm sad, yet having to keep a smile on my face so my companions don't realize something has changed with me.

Museoiden Yö

Tonight is The Night of the Museums in my town! And I'm so totally going!

What it is: About 14 different museums will be open from 6pm to midnight for anyone to visit for the price of an inexpensive ticket (6e/person or 15e/up to 5 people) that also includes the bus to get around. There will be other events going on also. We'll definitely be stopping at the Moominvalley, Vapriikki (ice hockey, shoes, Finnish natural history and more!),  maybe the Amuri Museum of Workers' Housing and The Lenin Museum (the only permanent one in the world). Oh dear, there are so many places I want to see, I don't think I'll have time to visit them all. Thankfully this is not my first time visiting most of these museums, nor will it be the last. So I think I'll be going with the flow and seeing what our out of town visitors want to see the most.

I've convinced a co-worker and her BF, another co-worker and 2 girls visiting from Canada to join me. Yay! I don't have to go alone. Yeah, I know DH isn't joining, but he doesn't like crowds and I've learned to do my own things when he doesn't want to join.

I'll update how this even went later and I'll even try to take some pictures. I may not get back here until late Saturday or even Sunday. Saturday I have a Postcrossing meeting to attend, which I organized for the Canadians who are visiting, so I can't miss out on that!

And to make this potentially great weekend even better, it is sunny right now and looks like it will continue in that manner for the entire weekend! Yes!
 

Say it ain't so!

As my work day was ending, I just didn't feel like going to the gym anymore, even though I packed my gym back and brought it with me today (albeit, I left it in the car, it was still downtown with me). I called hubby and tried to get him to talk me out of going to the gym. Or maybe I wanted him to talk me into going to the gym. I'm not sure anymore and anyway he wasn't much help. He told me to come home if I felt like it. And I told him that if he saw me in the next few minutes, I came home and if he doesn't see me soon, I've gone to the gym.

I walked to my car and decided that I had better go to the gym. I mean, I went to the trouble of packing my bag and I even took the car to work so I didn't have to walk to the other side of the town to get to the gym. I should go to the gym!

And boy oh boy, am I glad I went! Today was the last day and the last class that my favorite instructor was going to teach as a permanent employee at the gym. (He'll still sub when he can.) He has taught BodyCombat as long as I've been going to the gym and I just love how he teaches it. He has a background in martial arts, so he knows the proper techniques to do the punches and kicks so you don't hurt yourself and get the most out of the class. Plus, I have a tiny huge school-girl crush on him. (Anyone else have silly school girl crushes?) LOL. It'll be sad knowing that I can't count on Thursday's to be BodyCombat day with my favorite instructor. As one of the other members said: We do we do on Thursday's now?

I at least know he'll be teaching one more class on Sunday. Guess where I'll be? Front and center!

I caved

That's right, I couldn't help myself and I POAS. The result was a fast BFN. I'm not too disappointed yet*, as I know this is still quite early to test. But at least I've gotten the POAS-bug out of my system, for now. Six more days until I can officially test (as per doctor's orders).

*As the day has worn on, I've found my mood to be a bit melancholic and bleh-like. I hope it is just because of the rainy, cloudy weather and not related to my negative test. I'm trying to tell myself it is ok and that there is still hope.

TTC Timeline

After I got home from work this evening, I grumped at hubby a bit, then took a nap to hide from the world (and hubby) and when I woke up I ate a bit of dinner. I didn't eat much dinner, but I still felt full and somewhat bloated after. Then I started typing up my (our) TTC journey timeline. You can see the short and sweet version below and the more detailed version from the tab at the top. I still need to update some of the details and what not, but that is most of what we've gone through so far.

Today marks the transfer into the 1WW. I don't know how long I'm going to be able to hold off before I cave and POAS!

1998
Nov/Dec - I got pregnant and had an abortion*
2008
Aug - we started TTC
2009
May - went in for check-up, endometrial cyst found
Nov - surgery to remove cyst and endometriosis confirmed
2010
Mar - 1st medicated cycle on Clomifen, no IUI due to the 2 follicles are too big, TI instead w/HSG trigger, BFN
Apr - 1st IUI with Puregon, BFN
May - 2nd medicated TI with Puregon, BFN
Jun - 2nd IUI, BFN
Jul - nothing, clinic is closed entire month
Aug - 3rd IUI, BFN
Oct - IVF explained, injected myself with Procren to hard stop my body's hormones
Nov - IVF #1, BFN
2011
March - IVF #2, BFN
May - FET #1, awaiting results

*I have no regrets what-so-ever regarding my abortion. It was right for me at the time and what I chose to do (with the support of my husband). If you don't agree with this and don't have anything nice to say, please move along. If you have honest and true questions, I'll be happy to answer and discuss.

Today's purchase

So this is what I bought today: a box of 2 pregnancy tests (left back), some body lotion (right back) and a bar of chocolate (for hubby! Ok, I'll eat some of it too.). When I put these on the conveyor belt, the clerk smiled at me. I mean really smiled at me (Finns don't do that often). Then when I got home and showed hubby what I bought and told him what happened, he laughed. And then he went off on one of his tangents making up stories. I joined in of course.
1. Maybe the lady thought the chocolate was for in case the test came back negative, and
2. It would have been funnier if I had bought whipped cream, tuna & a pregnancy test, and
3. It would be funny if someone bought condoms and pregnancy tests (I said it would be too late then!), and
....the list goes on.

Don't get your hopes up yet, I'm not testing in the morning! I'm only 6dpFET today and I just don't feel ready to waste money on tests. Especially when I'm not feeling any symptoms. At least not any symptoms that I would think to consider only pregnancy symptoms. I am a bit bloaty and gassy, but that can be just normal life. In addition, another reason to not test (too) early is the doctors told me to not test until the 2 weeks is up. They won't/don't do blood tests until after a women gets a BFP from peeing on a stick (I think...I actually don't know as I've never gotten a BFP.) Let's see if I can hold out for another week. hahahahaah

Decent Day

It's now 5dpFET and I'm feeling normal. I'm not sure how I should feel and I'm not really trying to focus on it. I have had a few stomach pains/cramps off and on during the day, but they could be because of anything. Again, I'm just not thinking of it.


I've been tired most of the day, but it is my own fault. I stayed up late watching Finland win the World Ice Hockey Championship. The second time ever for Finland and the previous time was 16 years ago. The whole country is celebrating today. My work even sprung for donuts for everyone for the occasion! *yum* And there were some left over, so I brought one home for hubby and myself. I may end up eating both. LOL


There is a Health and Well-being at Work campaign going on at my work right now. As a part of this campaign, there has been a survey about our habits (eating, sleeping, exercise, mental well-being, etc), a nutrition lecture, a walking test, lung capacity test and so on (all voluntary). Today there was a possibility to have a body composition analysis done. It was done with this machine (InBody 720) that runs an electric current through your body to measure everything. It was so weird! I could feel the electric current in my hands and feet even for about 30minutes afterward. Everything is in the normal or good range, except I could do to lose a couple of kilos (and how many donuts have I eaten so far today...?). I'm quite pleased with my results and I know that a little bit more work at the gym (I was totally lazy last week) will help with the weight loss and muscle gain. Although, I am quite sure that these couple of kilos that I have gained in the last one year and a half are due to the infertility drugs I've been taking. Bleh.


I went to the gym today. But being the goof that I am, I mistakenly thought my BodyCombat class started at 18:15. It didn't and hasn't for some time, but I have forgotten that several times already. It now starts at 19:15. So, to kill some time I did my workout routine on the machines and then went to Combat. I love BodyCombat class!! Except not so much today. The instructor isn't my favorite and there was an annoying lady standing next to me in the class! She was wiggling all over the place, out of sync with the music and rest of the class, her punches and kicks were wild (I almost got punched a few times) and she looked as if she might be in the early stages of pregnancy. Grrrr. I know I'm not perfect (but I sure try to be *wicked evil grin*) and I shouldn't judge, especially when we are all there to work out, in our own way. But when they are doing it so wrongly and in such a way that they could possibly hurt themselves or they just aren't getting the full & correct benefit of it, just bugs me.

And speaking of bugging, sometimes people just bug me. Hubby knows this and laughs at me. His comment today "Wouldn't the world be a better place without other people?". LOL. Sometimes. Yes, I know I'm easily bugged at times. Ok, often times.  I've been that way for as long as I can remember (ask my family). But, I also know it is my personality trait or fault if you will. It's me.

Ihanaa Leijonat Ihanaa!

Finland just won the 2011 World Ice Hockey Championship!

The final score was Sweden-Finland 1-6. Talk about an insane game!

Name change

 I did it! I've changed the name of my blog from 'life in finland - elämä suomessa' to 'BattleFish'. I've been thinking about this for quite some time and even more so the last few days. The previous name just wasn't me. It never really felt right, nor did it encompass what I wanted. Yes, I'm still living in Finland and I don't see that changing (ever), but my life and what I am blogging is more than just being in Finland. Lately most of my posts have to do with my husband's and my journey TTC #1 (from my view point of course). But I also blather about my friends, family, daily events, thoughts, feelings, Finland and really, just whatever is happening in my world and head at the time.

This new name has a lot more meaning to it on several levels. First, BattleFish is a nickname my husband calls me sometimes. Especially when I'm in a contrary and bratty mood. He'll usually call me this when my bad-moodedness (new word) is not fully serious, but yet nothing he says or does is right and I just want to pick a fight or at least bicker. Hubby can tell me I'm being a BattleFish and it will most likely make me smile and then make it hard for me to continue on in the same manner., especially when I know I'm being a bratty. Now, if I'm truly in a fowl mood, this will only anger me more. Secondly, when I started thinking of the word(s) BattleFish, I am battling. I'm battling to get pregnant, battling to start a family, battling to keep my sanity, battling to just be me and to be happy with it. Thirdly, I quite like the name. It's cute, but not in a girly way.


The only thing I'm not quite sure I like with this new look is the background design and color. It might change in the next few days.

And on to other stuff...
This morning (afternoon), when hubby and I woke up, we laid in bed for a while discussing our cat game that we are designing. This game has been something that we've been discussing and designing for some several years now. I do hope we'll finish it someday and actually publish it.

Once we got out of bed, we went to look where our house (duplex) complex is going to be built. Right now, it is just a roughly leveled area of land. It was hubby's first time seeing it. Yes, we signed papers for the place before hubby even went to see where it was going to be built. He knew the area, but just not what it exactly looked like. He said the area for the complex is small and possibly cramped. :( It does sort of look that way, but I am confident it will be ok. In any case, it will be ours and we'll only share one very well insulated wall with someone.

Today is 4dpFET. I'm still taking Zu.menon (estradiol hemihydrate) and Lu.gesteron (pro.gesterone) 3 times a day. The pills don't bother me, but sometimes I just really can't stand the suppositories. (Do you think it makes a huge difference if I "forget" a suppository every once in a great while, just to give my lady bits a break?) I don't seem to have any of the side effects people talk about. I admit, I had to google what sort of side effects are common, as I really just don't feel anything at the moment. No sore boobs, no bloating, no more irritation or irritability than normal. For good or bad, I just feel like me.

To finish this post and evening off, hubby and I are watching the Finnish-Swedish world hockey championship. Go Finland!!!

Saturday the 14th, sucks!

I'm not a superstitious person by nature, but I do enjoy superstitions, lore, Murphy's law and whatnot, at least for a good laugh. But for as long as I can remember, Friday the 13th has always been a good, if not great, day for me. It is always Saturday the 14th is what isn't such a good day for me. And this time around was no exception!

I don't remember when or how I came to this conclusion of Friday the 13th being good and Saturday the 14th not so good. It probably has to do with the fact that most people think it is an ill-fated day because of its number. (But then why isn't Monday or Wednesday the 13th thought to be just as bad days?) And since I am not most people, I decided that it was a good day. Also, the #13 has been a favorite of mine for as long as I can remember. Probably for the same reason mentioned before.

Anyway, this Friday the 13th didn't disappoint. I woke up Friday morning and everything in the world just seemed right. I wasn't stressed about the stress (and strike guards outside work), it was sunny after a brief rain, my allergies were not bothering me (because of said rain) and just in general, I was in a great mood. I mean, come on, it's Friday! This feeling lasted throughout the whole day. To top the day off, the Finnish national hockey team won their hockey game against Russia, putting them into the gold/silver match against Sweden.

Saturday, on the other hand, started out not so nice. I was woken from my deep sleep just after 4 am with hubby calling the cops on the downstairs neighbors aka monkeys. They had been making noise and singing karaoke since the early hours of the night (they started some time after I went to bed). The cops couldn't come right then as they were busy with other more pressing issues. When the monkeys make noise, hubby can't sleep. (The monkeys are quite noisy!) And if hubby wakes me up, I have a hard time going back to sleep. Partly because the noise is annoying and partly because I feel guilty for being able to sleep through it all normally. I think I dozed off and on a bit, but at 5am hubby had me call the cops. Still the cops didn't come. I fell asleep passed out soon after that and Hubby feel into a fitful sleep some time around 6 or 7 am when the monkeys finally passed out themselves.

I didn't sleep too well after that as my allergies started acting up. When the rain dries up, the dust and pollen starts floating around again. I couldn't breath through my nose, so my throat got dry and then I'd cough, so I had to get up and get a drink of water. And then at one point I couldn't fall back asleep, yet I was still totally exhausted. So, I played with my phone a bit until I fell back asleep. (I love my new fan-dangled internet supporting toy phone.)

When I finally did wake up, I got ready to go put gas in the car so we could go look at where our house is being built. I walk out to my car and I notice it has a flat tire on the front driver side!!!! I go back inside, tell hubby what happened. Long(er) story short, I had a screw in my tire, a spare tire and jack in my trunk and managed to find a repair shop still open after 2pm on a Saturday that would take a look at the tire. I then broke down and cried. I felt miserable, like everything bad happens to me and my car was stupid. I got my cry out of the way, called a friend to see if he could take hubby and I to the shop to get the tire fixed. I jacked up the car and changed the tires with only a bit of help (a bit of muscle and mostly verbal help) from the guys. It is my car and I do what is necessary for it, not hubby. We get to the repair shop, the guy takes the tire to look at it/fix it...and the guys ask me how much was the estimate of getting it fixed. Uh, oops, I didn't ask that. So, there I'm standing hope and pleading in my head that it can be fixed and that it doesn't cost too much. The guy comes back in about 10 minutes and it only cost 13.50€ to get the hole fixed! Yay!!!! We go back home and I put the tire back on.

The day was a bit better after the repair, but I've been feeling down, weepy and moody the rest of the day. Tomorrow will be a better day. And hubby and I will make it to see where our house is being built.

FET is on!

Just a very quick update:
I called the clinic this morning and my time is 13:30!!! The transfer is on and my mood is just as sunny as it is outside. Even the news of the strike starting today at noon isn't bringing me down (or stressing me).

(This is my sunny view from work, taken with my phone camera.)

A bit of this and that

I have a lot of different bits and pieces of thoughts and ideas running through my head lately and I need to get them out, but I don't feel that they deserve an entire post to themselves. Or if I did give an entire post to them and stuck to 1-2 posts a day, I'd never get them all out or they would be old news by the time I got around to them. So, here is buffet of my thoughts today:

1. My (our) embryos were to be thawed today.
If all goes well, my FET will happen tomorrow. I haven't really been thinking about it too much. It almost doesn't seem real. And I don't know if I believe anything positive will come out of it. I don't know if it is a loss of belief or hope or only reality. In any case, I'm not being negative about it, just less focused. (At least for now.) I'll call the clinic in the morning hours tomorrow (Wednesday) to find out exactly when I need to go into the clinic, wth a full bladder. Very important to remember!

2. I sent in my resignation from the union today, but I will still be with the unemployment fund.
What that means is that I no longer get the union benefits (discount at some hotels we never stay at, a few cents off of gas that I've never taken advantage of, legal services should the need arrive, etc), but at the same time, I don't have to go on strike if/when the union calls for it. Belonging to an unemployment fund gives you a better unemployment allowance should a person ever become unemployed (the union has this too, but with all the bells and whistles), but you have no obligation to do what the union says. Plus the unemployent fund is cheaper.

3. Another strike (phase whatever) is set to happen at my work on Thursday at 06.00.
Last month I was a part of the union and was a good girl and supported the strikes. It stressed me out so badly. This month, I feel that I am wiser and not happy with what the union is trying to "achieve". I am also not happy about having to be on strike for another 2 weeks this month (plus the 3 days last week). I don't want to lose 2 more weeks of pay and 2.5 more days of my yearly holiday. All excuses aside, I have made my decision to do what I will. It has allowed me to be stress free over the whole thing. That is very good.

4. Hubby and I signed our live's away today!
It's a good thing, I think We signed the papers for our house (half of a duplex really)! It is being built now and we'll move in in a year. I'm cautiously happy, but more nervous and scared than anything right now. We've not told close friends or family yet, although I have mentioned it to the blog world and some co-workers.

5. I casually mentioned to a friend tonight that I wasn't quite ready to head to bed as I wanted to blog a bit more. She asked if she could read my blog, if it wasn't too private. I need to figure out what to tell her. This blog can't be too private if I'm writing it on the internet for the world to see. And if anyone knows what to use to search for it, I am easy to find. Yet, most of my friends aren't the type to go sleuthing and try to find out where I am. *grin* At the same time, this blog is my release, my vent and my way of letting it all hang out. I worry that if I start sharing this with close friends (and family?) that I'll start feeling like I need to censor myself. Or maybe I won't feel the need to censor, I just don't know. So, this is a little something to ponder.
Feed back anyone?

6. I'm not totally happy with my blog name.
I don't really feel that my life in Finland is the real subject matter of the blog. Sure, some of the things I blog about relate to Finland, but not completely. I think most of my posts would still happen, no matter where in the world I  would be. So, in that light, hubby and I bantered around a few new names:
- rumblefish/battlefish
- My 2nd post was about peruna rieska
- Yes, Honey
Each of these items describe me and an aspect of my life (or more than one). I just need to decide if I really want to change my blog's name (yes) and to what.

7. My husband makes me laugh.
He has always loved playing with words, mixing them up and twisting them around. I guess that is part of what made me fall in love with him. I do admit it does frustrate me at times though. Tonight he was being his usual self and I just love it.

Those are my thoughts, in a very big nut shell. Good night, sleep well and don't let the bed bugs bite.

My first award

This award was given to me by lostintranslation over at We say IVF they say FIV. As my title says, this is my first award. I'm quite pleased and a little surprised. Pleased because, who doesn't like to be awarded something? Surprised because, although I've had this blog for some time (2008), I've only recently started blogging more regularly and even more recently have I found a group of blogs from Stirrup Queens that interest me and where I feel like I have so much in common. As I have been going around to all these blogs, I look at them and think to myself "wow! I want my blog layout to look as nice and smooth as theirs!". I have tweaked my blog look a bit lately (the beach scene is my own picture) and I'm trying to make it look more like the idea in my head, but I think that is going to take some time. And while I don't feel quite stylish 'enough' myself (I wonder if this is a reflection of the flesh and blood me?), I am thankful for this award and will do my best to live up to it.

Now for the rules of this award:
*Put the image on your blog
*Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award
*Say seven things about yourself
*Pass the award on to 10-15 other bloggers you feel deserve this award

The first two were easy and are done.

Here are 7 things about me:
1. I love my piercings and my tattoos. I've had my nose pierced since I was 16 (1992 - more than half my life!) and my tongue pierced since I was 18.
2. I read Dear Abby every day.
3. I love participating in Postcrossing.
4. I am a Leo (in astrology) through and through. (Although I don't/wouldn't put my life's worth on it.)
5. I love practicing Taekwon-do (I am taking a break from it right now because of TTC and IVF issues. Being kicked or punched in the stomach seems like too great of a risk...)
6. I love to read! (My favorite authors right now are: Diana Gabaldon, Anne McCaffery, Anne Rice and yes, Stephanie Meyer's Twilight books and most all things vampire)
7. I am a very passionate person. When I am excited or happy about something, I let the world know and I go for it full throttle, but the opposite is true too: when I don't like something or I am unhappy about something I am totally miserable (and so is everyone else around me until I get is resolved to my liking).

As for the last part of this award's rules, I think I will take some time before I pass this award on. As I stated at the top, I'm still relatively new to this world of linking up with other bloggers and having a group of people around actually reading (and commenting) on my blog, that I just don't feel like I know enough bloggers or read enough blogs regularly to actually make a real decision. I don't want to just randomly toss out this award (or any other award) just because "I have to". I promise I will pass this on, at a later date.

I survived

I not only survived Mother's Day, but I survived (so far) the birch trees coming out in full bloom! First I'll say a little something about my dreaded enemy, the birch trees.

When I lived in the USA, I never really had much in the way of allergies. Sure, I had a little bit of hay fever during the spring and summer months, but nothing an OTC allergy pill couldn't take care of. Fast forward to 2006, me having lived in Finland for 8 years, and one of the worst springs ever! I couldn't catch my breath and it just felt like I couldn't breathe. Not a pleasant feeling at all. I couldn't even walk from my door to the bus stop, less than 3 min away, without gasping for breath and feeling like I was going to keel over. My eyes also itched so bad I wanted to claw them out. Puffy eyes are NOT sexy. The doctor tried several different allergy meds and some inhalers until we found something that mostly worked. The doctor suspected I have asthma. And guess what, I do! Yay me! I hate my asthma. (But that's for another post, someday.)

So, spring is here again. And the birch trees started blooming in my town on Saturday. If I thought about it harder and long enough, I could probably tell you the exact time they officially started blooming. Birch trees with their pollen are the bane of my existence right now. I am a sneezy, sniffly, stuffy head mess. Thankfully I'm not contagious! And thankfully the weather is beautiful: sunny, not windy and warm! I will survive.

Mother's day wasn't so bad. I did have little twinges of sadness off and on throughout the day. I sniffled a bit in the morning about another year coming around and I'm still not a mom. Not even a mom-in-waiting. Then hubby and I had some fun in between the sheets and I forgot about it all for a bit. Then, I got a little bit sad when I saw the group of families outside celebrating a kids birthday and the kids running around. Once again I'd forget a little while about the whole "mother" thing, especially while watching hockey with my hubby. When I opened Facebook and I got sad again as all my friends posted about how wonderful their (first) Mother's day was going. I did send my mom and stepmom Mother's day greetings.

And then, I read a Facebook message from my ex's mom. My ex and I were together for 4 years, 13 years ago. I used to hang out at my ex's parents house quite often. And even now, when I go home to visit my family, I get in touch with the ex's parents. They are good christian people, especially the mom. I was just so touched by her words and that she would think of me on this day. It just filled me with warmth and tears. So I leave you today with her kind and caring words:

Hi Heather, I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you today and have been praying for you that the Lord will give you your heart's desire, and that it won't be long before you and (hubby) have a baby. I hope you're having nice weather there now. It's very cool and sunny here this afternoon, however I just wish it would warm up and stay warm for a while. It may be sunny right now, but it's still too cool to sit on the deck without a sweater. We love you and think of you often. You will always be like one of our children.
Love, ex's mom

Clinic update, part 2

I finally crawled into bed last night at 2am. What was I doing that kept me up so late, you ask? Well, I was procrastinating. And because other things are always so much more fun than what you should be doing, I watched this week's American Idol episodes. (I LOVE the top 4 contestants!) What I should have been doing was to finish getting some stuff ready for a flea market today (in was all vain, I only sold 1 item for 1€) and I also should have been baking a "Sweet Dreams" cake (brown sugar, pecan/walnut & coconut flavored) for the friend I was to go to the flea market with. It's her birthday on Monday, but another friend and I will celebrate it (quietly) with her this evening.

And now for the main event:
Yesterday's clinic visit was basically like many of the others I've been to. The doctor asks how I'm feeling, do I have any symptoms and then asks me to disrobe from the waist down. I hop'up on the table-bed and she does an ultra sound of my uterus. The lining is 8mm, which is good. My ovaries are sleeping and there are no growing follicles, which means the Zu.menon is doing its job. I hop off the table, get dressed and we discuss the next steps. I am to continue taking Zu.menon and add Lu.gesteron (progesterone) suppositories to the mix. I will call the clinic on the morning of the 11th to make sure my embryos thawed alive and to find out a bit more precisely when my appointment time is. If the 2 embryos that were frozen together survive, I'll have them both transferred and then I'll still have one more for the next try before needing to do a third IVF round.

I asked the doctor why she thought this second round of IVF didn't work and why I am not pregnant? Especially when most factors seem to be quite good:
- my hubby's sperm and their count are good,
- my body is responding well to the medications/hormones and
- some of the eggs did fertilize,
but, once they are inserted back in me, no pregnancy happens. The doctor didn't really have much in the way of "why" I'm not pregnant. I guess some of us just have it more difficult. (My words.) She did offer up a few suggestions after looking back at my 1st and 2nd IVF notes.
1. When the embryos are created, the sperm and eggs are able to meet freely, maybe the sperm that found their way weren't up to the job. She did suggest that if we did another round of IVF, that we have ICSI (Intracytoplasmic sperm injection) done, that way we can be more sure of a fully healthy sperm meeting a fully healthy egg.
2. It could be that my endometriosis (as if I want to claim it as mine) is preventing implantation.
3. There is no reason, unexplained.
4. She didn't think my age or the age of my ovaries was effecting this. She went on to explain that if my ovaries were "old" or that I didn't have many eggs left, we wouldn't have gotten the decent number of follicles for retrieval (15 and 11). Also, if my body had produced mass amounts (30+) of follicles, then they might be concerned with some genetic defects or at least something wrong with the eggs themselves.

So, I didn't really get a clear answer as to why I am not pregnant, yet. I just hate my body sometimes. Or maybe it hates me. Either way, I'm not happy about it. And sometimes after visits like this, neither good nor bad in nature but just is what it is, I feel quite emotional. (It could also just be hormones too.) This time was one of those times. I was feeling a bit down about all this TTC and IVF issues. Then as I was in my car driving back to work, the following song by Mustach came on the radio and it just cheered me up immensely. I hope you enjoy it too.



Angel's Share
Ain´t no one gonna bring me down
´Cause I feel like flying
Here I stand in a rocking band
And I hope you like it

Angel´s Share
I give you what I got, I hope you care
It´s the best you wanted
The best you got it here

Yes means yes, but no means no
And I never broke it
I aint the one gonna let you down
My word is spoken

Angel´s Share...

Ain´t no one gonna bring me down
´Cause I feel like flying
Here I stand with my rocking band
And I know you like it

Clinic update

Just a very quick update, as I am tired and should be getting to bed, but I still have tons of stuff to do before I can crawl into bed.

I went to the clinic today to see how my body has responded to Zu.menon and when my FET (frozen embryo transfer) will happen. Everything is looking good and planned transfer date is next Wednesday, the 11th. More on this tomorrow (I hope).

A "new" Friday5

Here's some fun questions about new things in our life, thanks to Friday5.org. Let's see what answers I can come up with.

1. Who in your life has most recently had a baby?
I think it's close to being a  way tie: co-worker R, co-worker T, a friend from high school and sister-in-law all have babies close in age. (Wow, that's a hard reality to realize.)

2. Who in your life has most recently purchased a car?
It wasn't so much a purchase, but rather a donation/acquisition: my youngest brother finally has a car. It's not what he kept talking about nor dreamed about, but I think it'll do for a first car. Now he just needs to get his learner's permit.

3. Who in your life has most recently lost a fair amount of weight?
An online friend has been doing an amazing job at losing weight! She's started working out and eating healthy and the weight has just fallen away. She makes it look easy, but I know she puts tons of hard work into it. You go, Girl!

4. Who in your life has most recently gotten a terrific haircut?
A school friend and co-worker. When she turned 30, she decided it was time to change her hair style. And that she did! It's much shorter, but oh so cute!

5. Who in your life has most recently begun a new job?
I can't think of anyone who has started a new job recently. I do have my fingers crossed that my hubby finds one and starts it soon.

If they only knew... (or CD9)

They, being my mom and stepmom. The two of them are quite against HRT and yet here I am taking Zu.menon, an estrogenic hormone that stimulates the growth of the lining of the uterus (called the endometrium). I know I am not using this as a HRT drug, but rather to enhance the hormones (or lack of?) I do have to make a nice and cozy home for a future embryo. At least I hope that is what is happening. I also know that I am not taking this on a long term basis, but it still makes me wonder what "they" would think in any case.

I have a clinic appointment this Friday to see how the Zu.menon is working and what's going on with my body. This will be my first FET (frozen embryo transfer), ever! It will also be the first time I've been back to the clinic since the failed IVF attempt #2 in March.

Sorry in advance if the text below is a bit muddled and confusing, that's just the way my thoughts are on this topic at the moment.
I am excited to be able to try again to get pregnant, but at the same time I am a bit concerned about the amount of stress I am feeling right now. Since last night's little "sadness" attack came about, I've still been feeling off and teary today. Then mid-day today, to make matters much worse, the union I belong to announced that there will be a strike starting tomorrow morning at 6am (and lasting until Saturday at 6am) at my work if there is no agreement made or another time set for a new resolution session. (We've been without a working contract since the end of March.) No agreement was reached regarding pay and the pay arrangement, nor was a new date set for the next session, so the members of the union at my work are going on strike. This is an illegal strike as it was only announced today and not 2 weeks ago (by law). I'm still irked by the strike we had last month for 2 weeks and the upcoming strike next week (legal) for 2 weeks. (Two other companies are on strike this last week and this week.) I've already lost 2 week's pay and 2.5 holiday days for April! And now the union is asking me to not work for these 3 days and then go on strike again for two more weeks?! I'm upset and stressed!! For the first strike I figured that I am a member of the union and I did what I felt was right and went on strike like a union member should. I mean, why join the union if you aren't going to support them like they support you, right? (Right?) But this is just ridiculous! I'm not really sure our strike actions the first time around really sent a strong message. There were enough people who didn't go on strike and were working during those 2 weeks, that the work got done. While those workers didn't do my job perfectly (like I do. hehe), they were doing it well enough that the major part of it was done.I feel that this is only hurting myself and the other strikers. Our bosses can't be looking favorably upon us, even if they can't do anything to us because of our actions to follow the strike. I still feel like crap and stressed beyond belief! Again!!

Although, since I made the decision later in the day today to leave the union and not go on strike tomorrow or next week, my stress level has gone down some. I only hope it is enough for my body to be a happy calm place for a FET.
Trying to think happy thoughts.

How many is too many?

How many blog posts in one day is too many? Is there a steadfast rule about this or just some sort of netiquette? I know a person can post more than one blog post per day, but should they? Is two ok, but 3 isn't?
Help!

Out of nowhere

Sometimes, out of nowhere, it just hits me so hard (almost physically even) how badly I want to become pregnant and a mother. It's enough to stop me in my tracks and tear me up. Sometimes it's all I can do to not break down crying. Most often I'm somewhere I'd rather not be crying.

This evening, after BodyCombat, as I was walking to the car one of these such moments struck. I hurt so badly right now but I feel as if I have no-one to share it with who would understand, which makes it even worse.

I can only wait for the moment to pass, although it never fully goes away, but at least the intensity of it will.

Hyvää Vappua!

It's late and I should be in bed. Hubby has already gone there, which is an unusual occurrence for us. I'm usually in bed long before he is. But, I've been playing around and reading a bunch of blogs I found through the Stirrup Queens blog. There's a bit of everything there, but mostly infertility stuff. I think I like this place and community, so I'm going to check it out more and maybe even hang around for a while.

As for the title of this post, today (Sunday, May 1st) is Labor day here in Finland. I just want to wish everyone a Happy Labor day.

Now I'm officially heading to bed.