Now that that's finally over, we can get back to normalcy

Finally, xmas and all this 'merry making' is done and over with. This year's christmas has just left me in a bad mood. I can't quite pinpoint what it is that affected me so, but I'm just feeling bleh and a bit BattleFish-y. I could make all sorts of excuses as to why I'm not in the cheeriest of moods, such as:
I didn't get any candy for xmas,
We were horrible first time parents and didn't take any "baby's first xmas" photos,
I'm missing my mom,
I only got a couple of gifts,
We left our cats at home for the night so that there wasn't dog drama,
Mr Siili and I argued more than I'd like (over mostly stupid crap) and
the whole trip to the in-laws was rushed and stressful.

But really, those are just sorry excuses, well, all except for missing my mom. What I really should be thinking and remember is the following:
I have the happy and healthy baby I've been wanting for years!,
My dad and sister visiting earlier this month was a wonderful early xmas gift. Not to mention the brand new laptop and other items they brought for Paxlet and I,
I have my health,
I have a great husband (most of the time),
We spent time at my in-laws, who made wonderful xmas food and even sent some of it home with us, including candies, brie and blue cheese!,
Paxlet inched his way across the bed by himself for the first time (butt up in the air and then pushed himself forward, face down leaving a "snail slime trail") and
I Skyped with my entire family in the US this evening.

Tomorrow's just another day and for that I'm very thankful. I hope everyone has enjoyed their holidays, whatever it is you celebrate. I'm just read to go back to my normal everyday life, starting right now, by going to bed.

All I want for Christmas...

...is my two front teeth. No wait, I have those. Then there isn't anything I need or want for Christmas this year. Honestly! I received my Christmas present early this year, August 30th to be exact. Yet, Mr Siili insists on getting me something to open Christmas eve. Isn't that sweet?!

I've given him a few ideas, but he doesn't like them because,
1. he doesn't dare buy me jewelry, I'm way too picky (very true, even though I don't think he can go wrong with a Nomination link for my bracelet),
2. he doesn't want to buy me household machines as he's sure I'd be happier if I picked it out myself (I need a new handheld mixer) and
3. he won't even approach the subject of buying me clothing (although, I've not mentioned this, ever, but he is correct that I am very very picky about my clothes).

So, I'm curious to see what Mr Siili comes up with. As I said, in all honesty, I don't need or want anything more than what I already have. I wouldn't turn down a massage, though. But, if someone insists, some well spent family time and love from my two men would be great!

What's on your list this year?

Family was here

Paxlet and I put them on a bus this morning headed for Helsinki to catch their first flight towards home and I cried for over 30 minutes after that. I think the only reason I stopped when I did was because I started cleaning as soon as Pax and I got home. Hey, when the boy is sleeping, it's the time to get things done!

Phew, what a week! This past week with my dad and sister was great! It was a long week, yet it was very short. Before they arrived, the weather forecast said it was going to be quite cold (-15C) the first couple of days they would be here, but the coldness came early and it wasn't that cold (-8C to -2C) during their visit. They even said it was "warm" the last couple of days they were here. Thankfully it wasn't that cold, as it allowed us to wander around downtown and be outside without freezing too badly.

We didn't really do too much while my dad and sister visited. The first day they were here was Finnish Independence day and no stores were open. So, all of us just took a walk around the neighborhood and let my family recover from traveling a bit. The rest of the time we spent downtown at the open air Christmas market, the stable yards (another open air market), in a few regular stores and then at home hanging out. Mainly we just wanted to spend time together, especially with Pax, which we did!

Paxlet seemed to enjoy the time with his Grandpa and Auntie. Lots of talking, smiles and laughs all around. Pax didn't have any problems with them holding him from day one, which is great because my family is just in love with our little guy. It was great seeing my dad with Paxlet. So sweet. gentle and loving. Paxlet looks (and is) so small when compared to my dad. I probably should have gotten some pictures that better showed their differences, especially the hands. My back was very thankful to have had other people holding Pax a lot of the time this past week. I hope this bit of respite for my back will continue.

My sister spent most of her money she brought with her to buy Christmas gifts. She made it clear when she arrived that that was her intent: she was going to spend as much as she wanted and how she wanted. The reason she stated it so clearly is that when she was here the first time (12 years ago), she was only 16 and my dad and I sort of controlled her the small amount of money she had and what she could or couldn't spend it on. This time around, she wasn't going to let that happen. LOL. She definitely spent it this time and had lots of fun doing it.

In typical male fashion, our dad's not so good about shopping. So my sister and I helped our dad with ideas for his Christmas shopping. To give him credit, our stepmom and one of our brothers aren't the easiest people to shop for. My sister and I do think we did a good job in helping him out though.

An added bonus to my dad and sister visiting is that they brought me and Pax tons of stuff! (Mr Siili didn't really want anything, but might benefit from some of the items, at least indirectly.) The biggest thing they brought me was a brand new laptop!!! Now there won't be any issues with Skype-calls with family whenever, not that there was issues before, but my stepmom felt otherwise. Other things that my dad and sister brought were:
- two sheepskins (they were our mom's) that we can use in Paxlet's stroller during the winter to help him stay warm,
- some toys (wooden stacking boxes, giraffe finger puppet, wooden balls, driftwood blocks) and costumes (frog & dragon/dinosaur) for Pax,
- food and candy (brewer's yeast, cream of tartar, vanilla extract, food coloring, Reese's pieces trees & bells, (American) Smarties, grits, some cake mixes, tapioca pearls, Skittles & Starbursts, Lifesavers...),
- some paintings,
- a knitted lion my mom had made (it found it's way to me after all!!),
- toys that I ordered from Amazon for Pax (stacking cups, Boomerings and Rock-a-stack)
I am sure there is more stuff I'm just not remembering right now. I know for a fact that their suitcases are much lighter going home now.


My smiling baby boy has awoke from his nap so it is  time to go play with him. I hope to write up a few stories from my dad and sister's visit. In the meantime, I'm wishing my dad and sister a safe and pleasant trip home! And happy birthday to my only sister!

just a few more hours

I'm getting more and more excited as the minutes tick by and it gets closer for my dad and sister to touch down in Helsinki. It will still take them a couple of hours more to reach us by bus, but if they make it to Finland on time, then the rest is easy! They will have 3 flights, 1 bus trip and approximately 27 hours of total travel time, door-to-door. Fingers crossed that all flights are on time and no luggage lost.

On a random note, as I was waking downtown on Monday to a play group, I stopped to take some pictures of the beautiful snow, ice and steam cooking off the lake. On the trees there was some hoar frost. Which got me thinking about the word "whore", only I stooped couldn't figure out how it was spelled. Only hoar and huora (whore in Finnish) came to mind. So, as I'm enjoying this beautiful scenery, I'm thinking of whores.

Paxlet's grandpa and aunt coming to visit

I can't remember if I've mentioned it or not (and I'm too lazy to go look), but my dad and sister are coming to visit at the beginning of December! That's right, Paxlet is going to meet his grandpa and aunt on my side of the family for the first time! I'm so freaking thrilled that they are coming! They'll only be here for a week, so we're going to have to pack a lot of stuff into that short time.

This will be only the second time anyone from my family has come to Finland in the 13 years I've lived here. The last time was 12 years ago when my grandma (dad's mom), dad and sister visited. My mom said she would visit if I ever got a child, but she didn't live to see this happen. So, having my dad, and sister, visit is the closest I'm going to get to that. This makes their visit all the more important and exciting.

I knew that when I moved half a world away to be with Mr Siili that it would be harder to see my family. I also knew my family doesn't travel much and that it would be and has been up to me (and Mr Siili) to go visit them. I've known this all along. But, now that Paxlet is here this reality is hitting me harder than I thought it would be. I'm coming to realize just how little Paxlet is going to see my side of the family, other than via the video Skype chats we have. And as my stepmom pointed out not too long ago, we'll mostly only be faces on a TV screen/computer monitor to each other.

There are some thoughts jumbled in my head and I'm not sure I'll be able to get them out in a way that conveys what I am feeling and thinking, but I'm going to try anyway.

In the past, my stepmom, mom and I had some issues. I feel that my stepmom and I have worked through some of them, at least enough to be civil and on decent terms again. With my mom, I feel we worked through things more, but nothing is ever perfect. My mom had told me that the one thing that would get her to travel and visit me in Finland was if I had a baby. Then my mom had a heart attack and died 6 months before I got pregnant. I never got to have my mom come see my life here and see that I am truly happy here. Before Paxlet was born, my stepmom and dad were excited to get their first grandchild. We were even Skyping most weekends and it was great. My dad even said he'd come visit once Paxlet arrived. Then, a few weeks after Paxlet was born, my stepmom wasn't so enthusiastic anymore and said that she just couldn't handle only seeing Paxlet via Internet. She needs to smell, hold and snuggle him, as she is a very hands on and 'irght in front of you' sort of person. It was also suggested that we (Paxlet, Mr Siili and I) travel to the US instead, my parents would pay. For several reasons, that's not happening, at least not for now. I was feeling extremely disappointed because I knew if my mom was here, she'd come visit. And when it looked as if my dad might not come visit, I was hurt. Immensely. It was just important to me that some part of my family make it here so see my boy and the idea of it not happening just left a big emotional hole in me. So, having my dad and sister! come visit me is so unbelievably cool! I would love it to be longer than a week, but I'm not going to complain!! We'll just have to make the most of the time we do have together.

In a nutshell, even though I have moved away from my family, they are still very important to me and I still need them. I'm just waiting until we have "beam me up, Scotty"-technology to make the trip 'home' a quick and painless one.

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

- Breathe, just breathe.

Yeah, stupid joke I know, but my dad told it to me. Twice, because he forgot he told it to me the previous week and I forgot I had heard it.

I realize it has been a week since I've posted anything. I have thought about my blog and felt like I should write something, but nothing more than a sentence or two at a time has come to mind. In short, life with Paxlet is wonderful and he keeps me busy.

To keep myself from going stir crazy, I've been trying to meet up with a few friends and co-workers to go out to lunch. It's been nice to get out of the house, enjoy some fresh air and have a walk. Plus, the adult conversation is wonderful! This week, I'll be attending a meeting at the neuvola office with other moms of approximately 2 month old babies. I hope I'll hit it off with some of them and can meet them for play dates.

Paxlet's mostly over his cold he got almost 4 weeks ago, but he still has a bit of a runny/stuff nose. And then last week's Sunday, I got my first cold of the season. Nasty sore throat, runny nose, stuffy nose, cough and now just the remaining junk in the back of my throat that won't come out. Poor Mr Siili then got it from me.

My dad and sister have finally purchased their tickets to come visit! They'll be here at the beginning of December for a week. It's a short time, but I'm thrilled to have them here. Now I just need to figure out what items I need want from the US. Deodorant (Queen Helene), toothpaste (Toms of Maine, wintermint) and some candy (Lemonheads, Reese's Pieces PB cups) are already on the list.

Have you found and submitted your best post of the year yet? I have!

 

The Best of the Adoption/Loss/Infertility Blogs of 2012

Melissa at Stirrup Queens has opened up the 2012 submission post and form for this year's Creme de la Creme list. Find your best post and submit it soon. The hard deadline for this year is December 15th.

It has been done

We have finally stated Paxlet's name* publicly. I am glad to be able to call him by his name and not Paxlet and BabyBoy, although I think I'll still call him BabyBoy for some time, as that is what he is: my baby boy.

We finished cleaning, cooking and getting the house ready in the morning. Mid-day, Mr Siili and I took Paxlet for a walk. Just as we crossed the street to start our walk, I fell down. I have no idea what happened. One second I was walking and pushing the stroller, the next I was on all fours in the gravel. Because it happened to quickly, I even took the stroller down with me, but thankfully Paxlet was snuggled up in the stroller and was only scooted down to the bottom half of it. Me on the other hand, I'm quite sore today. I bruised both knees, scraped up the left knee, have a bruise on my left arm and the outer edge of my right foot hurts quite badly and is half bruised. After a bit of rest, cold and putting my foot up (but not nearly enough) yesterday, it is feeling a bit better today. I'm still walking slowly and carefully and limping. Doh!

When Mr Siili's family arrived, we chatted, ate, told the name and then had dessert and chatted some more. Everyone seemed to like the name. At least no one openly spoke against it.

Flowers from Mr Siili's parents.

A few hours later, I Skyped with my family and told them the name also. My sister and aunt liked the name. My dad didn't say much and my stepmom just got the spelling correct and left the room without having said much. It seems I've pissed her off again. I have no idea if it has to do with the whole naming ceremony (and it not going as she has tried to plan it) or if she is upset that Paxlet and I are not traveling to the US for a week in the next couple of months. Although, that's another post in and of itself.

After sharing Paxlet's name with friends (on FB), I have learned that two friends have also given their son the same middle name as our boy. Doh! I had no idea! AND I found out my good friend R's husband's brothers first and second name are exactly the same. I knew about the first name, but not the second. I guess we've got good names, eh?


*As I said earlier, I don't feel comfortable revealing our boy's name here on my blog. I will continue to refer to him as Paxlet, but if someone would like to learn his name, I'd be willing to share it with you privately.
Shoot me an email at jsththr at gmail dot com.

Fruit and more fruit!

The fruits pictured below are half of my food shopping today (minus one mango that didn't survive being home even 5 minutes). One of the grocery store chains is having their "super days" sales where many of the fruits are 1€ per kilo or container. I love it when this chain has this sale because I can get so many different fruits that I love for very cheap. Plus, the slightly more exotic fruits, such as mangoes, coconuts and sometimes pineapples, are brought in en masse and are fresher during this time as tons of them are brought in for the sale!

Now I just need to eat them all before Paxlet arrives.

15,00€ worth of fruit!

This past Saturday, Mr Siili and I went to a friend's house for grilled food, crepes, wood sauna, a swim in the lake and a few games of pool/billiards. The food was superb and we all ate way too much! The sauna was perfectly hot and the lake cool (20C / 70F) although it felt cold, which is why it was perfect to switch back and forth between the two. And once I warmed up, I wasn't too bad at playing pool. The only downside was that I was on my feet quite a bit, which caused my fingers, ankles and especially the tops of my feet to get very swollen and painful.

Sunday, Mr Siili and I slept in late, then lazed around the house on a rainy day. I took a 3 hour nap early in the afternoon and then Skyped with my family in the evening. My family is so excited about Paxlet's arrival. (We are too!) There was lots of discussion about labour, breathing, pain relief, nursing and so on. I can't wait for this next part of the journey to get underway.

Right now, this is what is in the chair next to me. I love these kitties!

Rusty & Mansi

Best virtual baby shower EVER - photos

Below are the items we received from the baby shower* on Saturday from my family and friends in the US.

With many of the gifts my family sent, the items followed one of a few themes: lion, giraffe, elephant, green, frogs and basketball. The lion/Leo is for me and also Paxlet, if he is born before the 23rd. Giraffes are for Mr Siili, because when we first met, he made some silly comment about giraffes (which totally confused me at the time) and I started buying him giraffe stuff. Elephants are because my mom's maiden name sort of sounds like 'elephant' and she had a thing for collecting elephants for many years. Green and frogs, well I love both and Paxlet is going to have to deal with that until he can make known his own color and animal choices. Mr Siili plays basketball, so that one was easy enough.

My mom had found these bags at some point and was saving them for Mr Siili and I. I think I might frame them and put them on the wall.

This was my fall/winter/snow suit when I was first born. My mom had saved it and my stepmom and sister found it and sent it in the package. I was born about a month before Paxlet will be born, so I'm hoping he'll still fit in this when it gets colder out.

These were all items that at least one of us kids have used previously.

My mom knitted the bulk of each of these items, but didn't get them finished. My stepmom (top) and MIL (botties and bottom) finished them for us. All grandmothers have had a hand in these items and made them possible!

My stepmom crocheted each of these items with yarn from my mom's stash. The hat/beret in the upper left hand corner is for me to use on days when I just can't be bothered to wash my greasy hair. LOL Also, the sweater is the first my stepmom had ever done.

This bonnet and pants were made by my MIL. I think they'll go quite well with the sweaters shown above.

My aunt made this amazing fleece blanket.

Karen, a family friend, made these tye-die onsies and socks for us. They are all different sizes so we should have some amazing tye-die items for some time.

My sister found this cute lion puppet/washcloth a while ago. And the purple corduroy Sketchers are something my mom bought for my sister, so I only have them on loan.

These are all items my mom had bought in preparation for a grandchild (second-hand). The Snugli (top left) is handmade and is like the one she had for my younger siblings. She loved it so much that she wanted to share it with us kids. The food mill (top right), I remember us having one for my younger siblings and almost bought one here a week or so ago. So glad I waited. The white onesie is Baby Dior and from what my stepmom says, my mom was so excited to find that as every baby needs something uber brand name. LOL The white thing in the middle is just a thick cloth that can be used for whatever (for ex, changing blanket). The green corduroy pants are just amazing and I want a pair like that for myself. And the blanket (actually it is a duvet, but my stepmom and sister didn't realize that, tee hee) at the bottom is just cute, even with the itty bitty bit of pink.

A few more things my mom had purchased. The lighter yellow sleeper (middle top) has a giraffe on it. The two orange items (right hand side) have basketballs. And the Hawaiian shirt is in honor of my dad because he wears lots of these shirts. Now Paxlet will be able to match his grandpa.

 Pooh stuff is from long time family friend, Tess and her family. Mansi thinks these are for her and wants to play with them. Doh!

 My stepmom, sister and (step)grandma went on a shopping spree for these items. I love them. Especially the two onesies at the lower left hand corner (My auntie rocks and My uncle(s) is awesome).

And that my friends, is the other half of why I had the best virtual baby shower ever.

* There are a couple of items that my dad will bring when he comes in September: a breast feeding blanket/bib (to cover myself and child), a set of natural driftwood 'blocks' and a bright, colorful and whimsical painting of flowers.

Best virtual baby shower EVER

My family and friends in the US hosted a virtual baby shower for me via Skype (with web cam) on Saturday (evening my time, early day their time). This party never would have been possible without Skype and our webcams. It was amazing!! I loved being able to see everyone while we chatted, they had coffee & cupcakes (we had just eaten dinner), opened gifts, played games and just hung out.

The start of the party was marked by everyone entering the party room, parading in front of the web cam with a balloon under their shirt. The guys were included in this stunt. It was pretty funny seeing my dad with a bit round tummy. Everyone was moaning, waddling and "complaining" about how tired they were from carrying their 'load'. It was funny and brilliant!!

As the US part of the party drank their coffee and at a cupcake, I started opening gifts. My stepmom and sister had collected gifts during June and then sent the package near the beginning of July to get it here on time for the party. The package only took 10 days to ship and I had it sitting in my living room for almost 2 weeks before the party. I don't feel I  can't do the gifts we've received justice by just describing them, so I'll post some pictures in the next post right after this.

A few of people in the US had their gifts there with them, so they opened them for us and showed them around. My dad will bring them to me when he comes to visit in September. After gifts we played a few quick games. There was guessing how many jelly beans were in a 120ml sized bottle (102), how big around my tummy is (42 inches) and a name game. Everyone shared their favorite name with us and Mr Siili and I picked which one, out of the list, was our favorite (Niklas). Although, it doesn't mean we have to name Paxlet that. *grin* The party ended with everyone in the US eating lunch and those of us in Finland going to bed. I dreamt about the baby shower all night.

I am completely at a loss for words of how amazed, humbled and thankful I am for my family and friends and what they have done for Mr Siili, Paxlet and I. I just don't know how to describe what I'm feeling. My family is so excited for Paxlet to arrive in this world. It is my parents' first grandchild and my siblings' first nephew. It's at times like this that I am a bit sad that we live so far away.

Not only did my stepmom, (step)grandma and sister go shopping together to get us some insanely cute stuff, but my stepmom and sister dug through my mom's stuff and found items that she had been saving for her future grandkid(s). Some of the items belonged to each of us kids when we were little and others were stuff she had purchased because she liked them and/or had one like that when we were little and liked the product. So I now have a full arsenal of amazing stuff!

What is killing me right now as I type this and has me in full out sobbing tears is the knowledge that my mom wasn't able to experience the baby shower. She will never get to meet her first grandchild and never see the stuff that she lovingly saved and gathered be put into use by her grandkids. And from all the stuff we received from my mom (Grandma Robbin), you can tell that she was so freaking excited to have a grandchild. The small comfort I have right now from this, is knowing how much she wanted a grandchild by the preparations she had already made, before any of us kids had ever even gotten pregnant. I am thankful that I had told my mom that we were trying to get pregnant and that she knew what we were going through in order to have a kid and give her a grandchild. (I've woken Rusty, the 'old boy' cat, up and he's come to see what is wrong.)

I know it's impossible and silly to think this, but I'd give up any and all of the material items we have received to just have my mom here. I know it doesn't work that way and that it's impossible, but I can't help but feel it and think it. At the same time I am thankful for my stepmom (and that or relationship has gotten much better) and my mother-in-law. I love my family and friends. I know I am not alone. Not in my thoughts, nor life, yet sometimes a girl just wants her mom.

Bursting with sheer happiness, literally (part 2)

The below event took place about a month and a half ago, but I never posted it then because I was too lazy and just never got around to finish writing it. Even though this is part two, it actually happened first.

Sunday was the most beautiful weather we've had so far this year. The sun was shining, it was even warm, and there was only a small breeze. Spring is really going to arrive. I texted my friend, R, and asked if she was willing and able to go for a couple of kilometer walk around the lake near her house.

R and I walked and talked about everything under the sun (like always), but mostly about kids (her almost 3 year old) and our pregnancies. You see, she's 5 weeks behind me and I'm totally thrilled that I have a close friend going through this (pregnancy, maternity leave, etc.) with me. I was 'worried' that all my friends would be done having kids and my Paxlet would be the lone little one.

There was just one topic that I was a bit worried about bringing up: a baby shower. That morning in fact, before crawling out of bed I instigated a baby shower chat and cry with Mr Siili. I desperately want a baby shower, I always have. But when I think of my last cousin that had a baby and a shower, all my aunts and stepmom were there in person, my mom too. I will never get to have that. For one, my mom will not ever be able to go to another baby shower, no matter where in the world I am. Also, being half way around the world from family, there is no way we'll all be able to get together for a baby shower to welcome my Paxlet to this world. It's not about the gifts, though they are nice, it's about being with my family to celebrate a much waited for and wanted time in my life.

Since R and I talk about basically everything together, I figured I could talk to her about this topic too. I related the above to her, most of it through tears. Being the friend that R is, she stopped walking, gave me a huge hug and told me, "Heather, I remember you made a comment about wanting a baby shower years ago when we were throwing a shower for another friend. Don't worry, we're planning you a shower, just not yet as it's too early still". I couldn't help but laugh a little and cry some more.

I really do have the best of friends and family. And it really was a beautiful day and the start of spring (even if more snow came after that).

Bursting with sheer happiness, literally

My stepmom has been trying to get a hold of me the last few days, but Skype is having issues. So tonight we connected via Facebook chat. She wanted to ask me what I thought of a virtual baby shower via Skype (if it is working later this summer) and video. (So, "now", my MIL said. *grin*) I have to say, I'm so totally happy beyond words. I honestly didn't think I'd receive a baby shower from my US family and close family friends. In fact, I had a tearful discussion about this exact topic with a close friend of mine a month or so ago (that blog post is half finished). We just discussed the possibilities of how the logistics of it would work (items posted well in advance, etc), things I would need (I have no idea), things I would want (I don't have much of an idea about that either, but I thought of a few things), the colors I prefer (NO pink) and so on. And just sitting here having this conversation and typing all of this stuff up got me crying! Mr Siili asked me what was wrong and I told him nothing was wrong, these were tears of happiness. He thought that was a good thing. I agree.

I'm feeling quite lucky to have the family I do!

I finally did it! I told family!

I told our families that I am pregnant. *phew* I am glad that is done and over with. While it was exciting, it was also nerve wracking. Now, let's see how fast the word spreads. Hahahaha

I told my dad and (younger, older) brother last night. I know my dad's just thrilled! He asked me about it at xmas and I told him "we're working on it". I told him that I've thought about the 'what if' I get cravings for things that are only in the USA, he said just let him know and they'll ship it over. Heh. He also said this sounded like a good time for them to have to come visit. That would be just awesome. We'll even have an extra room for people to stay in then. My brother was sweet in his response and he's already scheming about how to come visit or at least gifts to buy. (I'm letting my dad tell my step-mom and (younger, younger) brother.)

And then I told Mr Siili's mom this evening. She started crying immediately. She's beyond happy for us. I've told her a little bit of what we've gone through. Plus, she was a mid-wife before she retired, so she'll have a lot of information to offer if I need it. She asked if she could tell my FIL, I said but of course! And MIL is already talking about hitting the stores and knitting some stuff. I have no idea who will tell Mr Siili's 2 sisters or brother & wife. Most likely we'll at least tell the wife, because we see here semi-often at her work.

And then I called my sister (because I couldn't get a hold of her last night) and told her. She was shocked and then immediately excited! She's going to be a real auntie! Not just an auntie to her friends' kids, but a real auntie. *heart melts* While I was talking to my sister, my step-grandma stopped by and so I told her too. She gave a dignified squeal (if that's what a grandma does) and exclaimed she's going to be a grandma! I heard my sister in the background 'correct' her that she will be a great grandma and then I heard it repeated closer. Then my step-grandma said she's never been a great grandma before. Hehe. I think I made her last few years.

The only person I can't tell is my mom. Although, as my sister said, she's here watching us, so she knows. I haven't been thinking too much about my mom lately. At least not more than surface and fleeting thoughts, because I know that once I really do start thinking about her and the fact that I am pregnant now and she's not here to tell, I'm going to start crying and be totally sad. I think just writing this has started it. Gosh, I miss my mom so badly!


We'll slowly start telling other people now, but I figure we'll wait until closer to or after 12 weeks to tell everyone.

3 posts in 1

My thoughts are of 3 different subjects today, yet they all are slighty connected, but I don't feel like writing them separately, so here it goes:

The best shopping spree
A second-hand store in town had a 1€ for any item of clothing sale today (Mon=4€, Tue & Wed=3€, Thurs & Fri=2€ and Sat=1€). They do this 2-3 times a year and normally I just stay away. I just hate the crowds, I hate waiting in long lines to try on clothes, I hate trying on clothes, I hate finding stuff I like AND hoping it is in my size. I just don't generally like clothes shopping. But today was different! I spent 12€ on 12 pieces of clothing today. Yes, that's right, 12€ total on 12 pieces of clothing, as a little birthday gift to myself.

The difference with today was that I wasn't there with the intention to buy clothes for me to wear, but to find some fabric to sew some stuff. I was looking at clothes as if it was just material. I grabbed a pair of yellow-green and black plaid pants (I had spied them a few days earlier and hoped they'd still be there), a couple of green shirts in different shades, a pair of red/orange/off-white hibiscus covered pillow cases, some orange shirts, a blue flowery shirt, a brown pair of pants and a grey/black/white skirt all with the intention of upcycling or recycling them into something else. I didn't have to think of what size the clothes were or how they fit me (although I did find 2 shirts for actual wearing), I just had to like the colors and material. It was the bestest shopping spree that I have gone on in ages. And the funny part, some of the clothes I bought actually fit me and look good on me! Especially the brown slacks. Go figure!

You just don't get it! or Why can't you just understand?!
I had what I consider a pretty big break down this evening. Mr Siili and I were laying in bed chatting. It got onto the subject of acupuncture and IVF. He doesn't believe that acupuncture will help with my endo nor help me get pregnant. If I like the acupuncture, as one would like a massage, then he doesn't see why I couldn't continue to go a couple of more times (but not 8 more times), but if I am going into the appointments with the idea that it is going to "cure" or even help fix me, I might as well not go because there are no known scientific medical studies showing that it actually does anything. This got me quite upset and sent me off on a tirade about how all of this IF stuff consumes my unconscious and conscious mind whether I want it to or not. I once again explained, between crying sobs, that I feel the need to try something more, that I am getting to the end of what I can try. (No, I will not buy some magical rocks to put around our bed to help me connect with ley-lines or a copper bracelet that does whatever, etc as Mr Siili facetiously suggested.) I see other pregnant women and it makes me sad. I hear of a friend/co-worker/acquaintance is pregnant or just had their kid and I'm again sad (don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them, but extremely sad for myself). I'm now 35 (stupid birthday, although I've never really had issues with my age before and all of this 35-stuff isn't really about my age but rather the whole "harder to get pregnant and higher risk" stuff) and getting pregnant is supposed to be harder, what the fuck has it been up to now? A walk in the park? Sure, I got pregnant once 13 years ago when I didn't want to and now that I want to get pregnant, I can't! I also didn't have endo then. I'm tired of the stupid people telling me to relax or trust in god or that it will happen when it is meant to be. I relaxed the entire first year, I don't believe in god and I hate hearing "meant to be". I just want to be fucking pregnant now! All of these thoughts and more plague me constantly. I can't lock myself in my bedroom to get away from it all because even in there I'd be reminded of pregnancy or my mind would wander to babies, etc. There is no escape from it.

We've tried a year and a half on our own, I've had laparoscopic surgery for endo, we've done several IUIs, 2 IVFs, 1 FET and not a single pregnancy. Not even a BFP which results in a loss, which sad to say, I'd dearly love even one of those right now. We have 1 more IVF try via the (less expensive) public clinic and then we'd need to transfer to a private clinic if we want to continue trying. Are we even going to continue if we have to go the slightly more expensive* route? I feel like we are getting to the end of what can be done to get me pregnant. Yet, if we stop now and don't try anything else, it is almost a 100% guarantee that I won't ever get pregnant and I cannot accept that yet. I am not ready to throw in the towel and give up. I am not at a stage where I can carry on with my life in a self-accepting and happy way. I NEED to get pregnant and have a kid. I can only hope this crying and ranting episode helped Mr Siili to maybe, even just a little bit, understand what it is that goes through my mind and what I've feeling.

*I feel a bit guilty talking about 'expensive' because I know it is relative and I am so totally thankful that I don't live in the USA where IVF is insanely expensive and to which I feel that if we did live in the US, we wouldn't be doing most of what we have, although Mr Siili seems to think otherwise.

My mom would have remembered
My birthday was a few days ago. On the day of my birthday, I had aprox. 70 happy birthday messages on Facebook, several more via sms, 1 package in the mail (a few cards beforehand), a sweet card from Mr Siili and promises for the actual gift later. Of all of those well wishes for my birthday, not a single one came from my immediate family members. Two days later, I call them via Skype and still not a single person mentions my birthday. I know I could have and probably should have mentioned my birthday myself, but that just feel so wrong. So, here I sit totally upset and crying that no one in my family remembered my birthday, or at least to tell me they remembered it. And I know that if my mom was alive, she would have remembered it. She always did!

Yikes, this turned out to be much longer than I had intended.

Another positive out of a negative

As I mentioned yesterday, not all things about my the trip to my mom's memorial was bad or negative. In fact, my stepmom and I are on great terms again. It is totally unfortunate that it took something like my mom passing away for us to be ok again, but I am glad it came about.

My stepmom has been a part of our lives for about 22 years. (I can't remember if she came when I was 12 or 14.) In the beginning we had our ups and downs. I was at an age of independence and figuring out who I was. I was also the "adult" female at my dad's house and she came into my territory! I'm a Leo and she's a Capricon, talk about two strong personalities, even without the horiscopes signs we're just very strong personalities.

Over the years, we worked out most of our differences and learned to understand each other. When I needed spending money or she'd need help cleaning the house, I'd play "Cinderella". I learned to drive in her Ricky (a 1970's Plymouth Valiant). When I had teen-issues with my mom or dad, my stepmom was there to back me up. She even prepared my parents for the eventuality of me having sex, albeit much younger than I would have ever imagined or that happened!!

It was when DH and I got married, almost 5 years ago, that things went wrong. We exchanged some heated words, felt hurt by what the other said, did or didn't do. There really was a whole lot that went on, but I don't feel like hashing it out, espeically seeing that it is the past and I'd like to keep it that way. After our trip there that year, we just didn't really talk about it; to make things better or worse, we just didn't talk. So things festered for 4 long years. My stepmom and I started working things out a bit before we visited this last fall, but it still wasn't like it used to be.

And now that my mom has died, all has been forgiven and forgotten. My stepmom (and myself) don't want to not talk to each other. She also wants to be there for me (and my siblings, of course). As my stepmom said, my mom was her best friend and family. My mom also stuck by my stepmom when she was going through her crazy egg reacion (she's highly allergic to egg and reacts insanely when she eats anything with any amount of egg in it) and she didn't have to. That is what family does! Also, it isn't common for ex-wives and current wives to be friends, much less good friends. And throw into the mix my dad. It took many years after the divorce, but my dad and mom were good friends also. So when it came to pass that my mom died, my stepmom decided that everything in the past can stay in the past. I was and am much relieved by this and I intend to keep it that way.

To sum all this rambling up, my stepmom and I are on speaking terms and friends again. And for that, I am so so very thankful. She was so much help in getting the memorial preparations started, writing the beautiful obituary and just plain taking care of things that I never would have thought about. She is also there with my brothers and sister to help them as they need it. I am very fortunate to have the family I do (even if they drive me crazy at times). I love them all!

Electric Heart by Keith Haring

RIP Sabby

There are several things on my mind tonight, but I'll only briefly mention them so I can post about the most pressing item on my mind: Sabby's passing.

- It's really really late (after 1am when I stared this) and I really should be in bed, but I need to get these thoughts out of my head.
- Tomorrow we have our first new home meeting and get to meet our new neighbors.
- Work is a bit stressful right now and I just wish it would go away, but it won't, at least not any time soon.

Sabby was my kitty for almost 19 years. Even though I've lived in Finland for the last 12 years and away from my mom's home for a couple of years before that, Sabby has always been mine (especially when she was in a witchy mood).

When I was 16, we had just moved to a new house across town. It was a place where we could finally have a pet that wasn't in a cage. And I wanted a black cat! At this point in my life, I was very much interested in Wicca and Pagan ways. And all witches are supposed to have a (black) cat as a familiar. *cheeky grin* We went to the local shelter and looked at kittens. We almost left without a kitten because I didn't see any black ones. But just as we were on our way out, I saw this itty bitty black thing in with some others. I wanted her immediately. Even if she did have dragon breath and worse yet, the breath of death! Yes, her breath was horrible! She would lick herself and her saliva would glue her fur in place. (Girls who used tons of hair spray back then would have been envious of this.) Her death-breath stayed with her for sometime, but thankfully she out grew it and was able to cleanly lick her fur.

As for her name, that wasn't easy to come by. What do you name a black cat? I asked her if she wanted to be called Blackie? I got a blank stare. Midnight? Another blank stare. Shadow? More staring. All of a sudden, it came to me: Black Sabbath? She gave me a wink and a chirrup and that's what she has been called ever since. Although, we've always called her Sabby for short. She wouldn't have just any ol' name, not this girl.

She had personality oozing from her. She would sleep under the covers with my sister, had a love-hate (although more love) with my brother and would hang out with me in my room. She knew whose window ledge to hop up on (mom's) to meow at to be let in. Or if it was late at night and my mom was still awake, she'd scratch on the window by the front door. She scratched that place so often and for so long, there were scratch marks in the glass. I talked to Sabby, she was my sanity at times. She even helped me paint my bedroom door. Ok, she didn't really help, but more got in the way, so I painted her toe nails red and purple. (I guess it wasn't the possibly toxins from acrylic paints that killed her, eh?) One time, I was petting her from head to tail. I would run my hand down her head, continue to along back and to the tip of her tail where my hand would stop at the ending position so Sabby had to turn around to repeat the petting process. After a couple of times of this she got fed up and bit me on the nose!

I'll miss her pissy old lady whine. But after living for almost 19 years, she definitely earned her right to talk as she please and act how ever she wanted.
I'll miss you Sabby!

My last picture of Sabby - Sept. 2010

May's ICLW

This is my first time participating in the International Comment Leaving Week (ICLW). I found Stirrup Queens' blog and everything that is attached to it about a month ago and it has been great! I am so glad I found this online community. It has been such a relief and comfort to finally find so many others out there like me. Before I found Stirrup Queens I was really feeling low and like there wasn't anyone out there like me. I know that isn't so, but when you don't know anyone who is truly going through what you are going through, this is such a lonely path. I have belonged to other online communities before (iVillage.com, for example), but have since left them for one reason or another. This community though, I feel it has so much to offer me right now and I hope to stay put.

I just recently shared condensed blog post about my TTC timeline and you can find the longer version from the tabs at the top. So I won't go into that in this post. But, while out fulfilling my ICLW duties today tonight, I did see someone had posted some confessions about themselves and I liked it, so I'm going to copy her.

Some confessions of me:
- I really enjoy getting to the end of a product, such as finishing a whole tube of chapstick, using a pen until it is gone, using the last of the dental floss.

- I collect my cat's whiskers when I find them laying around. I never pluck them from the cat!

- I am American by birth and Finnish by application/naturalization.

- I don't really miss living in the USA, but I do miss my family some. I just wish they'd contact me more instead of me being the one to initiate calls and such.

- I love my husband dearly and I will spend my life with him, but I'm not sure if he is my best friend. And I feel guilty about that sometimes.

- For years, I would collect my used contact lenses in a little jar thinking that I would turn it into an art project called "lost vision". I just recently threw it away and then this weekend when I was at the Night of the Museums, I realized that my 'vision' wasn't so far out there.

- I never really knew what I wanted to be when I grew up (I still don't). I started out college with art classes, but I never really felt that I was an artist, but more of a crafts type of person. I ended up getting a degree in International Business. I don't see myself as a business person either. How much farther can you get from one ends of the job spectrum to the other?

- I've won gold in a Taekwon-do competition for my belt level & weight class.

- I love love love reading. Especially Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series, vampires and other horror (not scary stuff though) sci-fi, fantasy and fiction. But I must read books in order. Nothing drives me more crazy than reading books out of order.

- I am easily annoyed, just ask my husband. LOL (edited to add some examples of what annoys me: repetitious noises (ping ping of the computer each time someone in the office does something or the damn baby seagulls on the building roof next to us going "peep peep peep peep peep peep" 24/7), someone chewing their gum like a cow, etc)

Name change

 I did it! I've changed the name of my blog from 'life in finland - elämä suomessa' to 'BattleFish'. I've been thinking about this for quite some time and even more so the last few days. The previous name just wasn't me. It never really felt right, nor did it encompass what I wanted. Yes, I'm still living in Finland and I don't see that changing (ever), but my life and what I am blogging is more than just being in Finland. Lately most of my posts have to do with my husband's and my journey TTC #1 (from my view point of course). But I also blather about my friends, family, daily events, thoughts, feelings, Finland and really, just whatever is happening in my world and head at the time.

This new name has a lot more meaning to it on several levels. First, BattleFish is a nickname my husband calls me sometimes. Especially when I'm in a contrary and bratty mood. He'll usually call me this when my bad-moodedness (new word) is not fully serious, but yet nothing he says or does is right and I just want to pick a fight or at least bicker. Hubby can tell me I'm being a BattleFish and it will most likely make me smile and then make it hard for me to continue on in the same manner., especially when I know I'm being a bratty. Now, if I'm truly in a fowl mood, this will only anger me more. Secondly, when I started thinking of the word(s) BattleFish, I am battling. I'm battling to get pregnant, battling to start a family, battling to keep my sanity, battling to just be me and to be happy with it. Thirdly, I quite like the name. It's cute, but not in a girly way.


The only thing I'm not quite sure I like with this new look is the background design and color. It might change in the next few days.

And on to other stuff...
This morning (afternoon), when hubby and I woke up, we laid in bed for a while discussing our cat game that we are designing. This game has been something that we've been discussing and designing for some several years now. I do hope we'll finish it someday and actually publish it.

Once we got out of bed, we went to look where our house (duplex) complex is going to be built. Right now, it is just a roughly leveled area of land. It was hubby's first time seeing it. Yes, we signed papers for the place before hubby even went to see where it was going to be built. He knew the area, but just not what it exactly looked like. He said the area for the complex is small and possibly cramped. :( It does sort of look that way, but I am confident it will be ok. In any case, it will be ours and we'll only share one very well insulated wall with someone.

Today is 4dpFET. I'm still taking Zu.menon (estradiol hemihydrate) and Lu.gesteron (pro.gesterone) 3 times a day. The pills don't bother me, but sometimes I just really can't stand the suppositories. (Do you think it makes a huge difference if I "forget" a suppository every once in a great while, just to give my lady bits a break?) I don't seem to have any of the side effects people talk about. I admit, I had to google what sort of side effects are common, as I really just don't feel anything at the moment. No sore boobs, no bloating, no more irritation or irritability than normal. For good or bad, I just feel like me.

To finish this post and evening off, hubby and I are watching the Finnish-Swedish world hockey championship. Go Finland!!!