What's in a name?

Tomorrow is the big day. The day Mr Silli and I reveal Paxlet's real name to family (and friends)*. We're having a small "naming party" with Mr Siili's family and my dad & stepmom via Skype.

In Finland, it is common to not tell the name of your baby until you have the naming ceremony (ristiäiset / nimiäiset / kastajaiset), which happens 1-2 months after the baby is born. Yes, in Finland, we can and do leave the hospital without giving the baby a name. The baby's social security number is generated when the baby is born and the parents are informed of it via snail mail soon afterward. It's the physical social security card you don't get until the name is officially chosen, subsequently notified to the officials and approved.

Yes, in Finland, names can be rejected by the magistrate (board of people?) and there are laws about how and what you can or cannot name your child.

• Every kid will have at least a first and last name (sorry, no Princes or Madonnas here).
• Up to three (3) "first" names can be given, not including the last name. Hyphenated names (Juha-Mati, Niina-Maria) are counted as one name.
• Inappropriate names or names that can be used in a harmful way and swear words will not be accepted (Ima Pigg, Heli Kopter)
• Last names cannot be given as first names, but more so mom or dad's last name can't be given or formed into a first name.
• Boy's names cannot be given to girls and vice versa.
• Siblings cannot have the same first name, but similar forms of a name are accepted (Kris, Krista, Kristian, etc)

It is possible to work around some of the above mentioned laws based on, for example: religious reasons or if the mom/dad is of foreign origin. Although the names still have to be accepted. It is also possible to petition denied name choices if you don't agree with the decision. As Mr Siili states, the above items are more guidelines in which names are checked against just to make sure kids are not being given something that can/will haunt them growing up.

*As I said earlier, I don't feel comfortable revealing our boy's name here on my blog. I will continue to refer to him as Paxlet, but if someone would like to learn his name, I'd be willing to share it with you privately.
Shoot me an email at jsththr at gmail dot com.

Happy Midsummer

It's all downhill from here, so you'd better get your winter jackets out. At least, that's what I've heard from several Finns already. Every year it's the same thing... Such a pessimistic bunch!

Yesterday was the official date for the summer solstice, the longest day of the year in the Northern hemisphere. Here where I live in Finland, the sun rose at 3:42 and set at 23:13, meaning the sun was above the horizon for 19 hours and 31minutes. With the sun being so close to the horizon, it doesn't get fully dark here, which even after all these years still amazes me.

While the actual date of midsummer or solstice is past, here in Finland it's a weekend long celebration and it's just getting started. Most people don't work on Friday (even if we do get paid) and shops that are open today, the liquor stores included, close at noon and most won't open until Monday. (Although, some smaller food shops will be open Sunday.)

Juhannus, or Midsummer, in Finland is a big deal. I would go so far as to say that it is the second biggest holiday celebration after Christmas. This is the time when many people start their summer holidays (4 weeks) by leaving the city and heading to the countryside to their summer cottages (mökki). Summer cottages bring to mind simple and easy living, relaxation, sauna and quite often no running water or electricity (or at least only one or the other). There is a lot of cooking on the grill and more than enough meat and makkara (sausages) to eat. I mustn't forget the liberal amount of alcohol that will also be consumed by many this weekend too.

A good holiday weekend is had when then death toll from road accidents and drownings are low. This is usually determined, in part, by the weather. The sunnier and nicer the weather, the more drownings there tends to be. This year, the weather is a mixture of sunny and cloudy, but surprisingly not much rain is foretasted. This will be an unusual midsummer if there is no rain! In fact, I'm not sure I can remember a mid-summer without rain.

Juhannus weather 2012

Having said all of the above about Juhannus, Mr Siili and I will spend the weekend at home (in the city). We'll go to sauna (our own sauna, whenever we want!), relax and find a park to walk to and just hang out. We'll hopefully eat a makkara or two, but not by grilling it, as a grill is one of the things we haven't purchased yet. We might try cooking it on the sauna or if all else fails, I'll fry it in a pan. *grin* (I really want to eat a makkara or two!) But first, Mr Siili's stomach needs to stop hurting. (At least we know it isn't his appendix.)

Hyvää juhannusta, kaikkille! 

Happy midsummer to all!

Finnish maternity package

My maternity package finally arrived!! Ever since I moved to Finland almost 13 years ago and my SIL received her maternity package for their first child, I have looked forward to the day I would be pregnant and get my own maternity package from KELA (The Social Insurance Institution of Finland). This has been a long time coming, but it has finally arrived! 

As I wrote in my last post, the mail notification came on Wednesday afternoon, but Mr Siili and I didn't get home until 7pm. I know that our local post office is open until 8pm, so I rushed to go get it before they closed. What I didn't count on was that they would close early on Wednesday because Thursday was a national holiday (Ascension Day). So, I had to wait until Friday after work to pick it up! And then I waited some more until Mr Siili got home from basketball practice to open it. Torture, I tell you!

What is a maternity package you ask? It is basically a starter kit with almost everything a new mother (and father) would need for their child to come into their life (adoptive parents can get this too). There are onsies/bodysuits, pants, shirts, leggings, romper suits(?), sleeping bag, towel, hairbrush, book, toy and more! All the stuff comes in a big sturdy box (that can be used as a crib). 

A new maternity package is published each year. The items in the package are mostly the same from year to year, but the colors change. My package contents are from the year 2011 (2012 won't be sent out until late summer/early fall as they had so many of the previous year still).

To receive this package, the mother needs to fill out a KELA form, attach a certificate from the doctor stating that the pregnancy has lasted at least 154 days and that the mom has been seen by the doctor before the end of the fourth month of pregnancy. (If you don't go to the doctor before then, I don't believe you are entitled to this benefit, free.) This box of stuff is valued around 350€ or so I've been told. If you decide you don't want the package or if this isn't your first child and you still have everything you need, you can opt to receive a money benefit instead (although the amount is less than the package itself). Also, if a Finn is living abroad, they can buy one of these packages to be sent to them.

A quick history of the maternity grant:
This maternity package and/or cash grant for Finnish mothers has been around since 1938. Although, in the beginning this grant was meant only for low-income mothers. By 1949, all mothers were able to apply for this grant. Each year, around 60 000 grants are awarded by KELA and of those 40 000 are in the form of the maternity package. Most all first time mothers choose the maternity package and those mothers (first time or not) who don't choose the package, can receive 140€ in cash. The colors of the package are neutral so that the clothes can be used for boys and girls alike.

Now I can't wait until we move (next weekend) so that I can wash all of these clothes and start putting them where they belong on their shelves and in drawers.

Below are the pictures I took of my box. If you want to see professional pictures, with descriptions of each item, click the link in the first paragraph of this post.

The box with the blanket, sleeping bag, snowsuit (mittens & booties in the hood) and light suit.

Everything else still packed in the box.
(Mattress at the bottom of the box not pictured anywhere.)

Knitted suit (left) and romper suits (no idea what these would be called in the US).

More romper suits.

Bodysuits!

Play suit, leggings & sweatpants.

Hats of all types, mittens (with the smiley face) socks and 2 cloth diapers of different brands.

Bib, duvet for the blanket (top center), towel, washcloth, muslin squares, etc.

Book (Little Reindeer's day), toy, condoms (for mom & dad), thermometer, hairbrush, nail scissors, bra pads, lotion (I love this lotion: non scented and not greasy, but soothes the skin) and a toothbrush.

Finnish Independence Day

Today, Finland celebrates its 94th year of independence from Russia (and before that Sweden). It's a national holiday, so no work and all stores are closed for the day. There will be lots of events and parties throughout the country, but the biggest and most tuned into will be the "Castle Ball" (Linnan juhlat) at the Presidential Palace. Many people spend the evening watching the approximately 2000 guests file into the party to critique the dresses and clothing of the people as they enter. (Personally, I might watch it for 2-3 minutes.)


As for Mr Siili and I, we stayed up late last night and we've slept in today. In a bit we'll go to his brother and wife's house to celebrate 2 of their 3 kids' birthdays. I'm not really in the mood to go, but it is the familial thing to do.

Instead of me rambling on today, I'll leave you with some Finnish Facts:

*Finland is a bilingual country, Finnish and Swedish being the two national languages. (I couldn't care less about Swedish.)

*The Finnish language (a.k.a. Suomi) is an non Indo-European language belonging to the Uralic family, along with Estonian and Hungarian. Independence day in Finnish = itsenäisyyspäivä

*Finland is situated between Sweden (on the left) and Russia (on the right). Norway also borders us at the very north a bit.

*Finland is the home of the Santa Claus. (I've visited him once.)

*We've had a female president, Tarja Halonen, since March 1, 2000.

*The population is 5 194 901 people (I'm counted in that!) and we also have over two million saunas. That's an average of one sauna per household!

*Yes, Nokia phones are from Finland. Before mobile phones, Nokia used to produce many other things, such as rubber products (tires, boots), paper products, communications cables, televisions and so on. The town of Nokia, where it more or less all began, is just a stone's throw away from where I live now.

*Currency is euro. In euro coins there are once two, five, ten, twenty and fifty cents, plus one and two euro denominations. Although, in Finland, we do not and never have used the one or two cent coins. (Yay!) When purchasing something with cash, the final price is rounded up or down to the nearest 0,05cents. Although 1 and 2 cent coins are, strictly speaking, legal tender, shops are not obliged to take them.

*When driving in Finland you must keep your headlights on at all times. It's been the law since 1982.

*Today, the sun rose at 9:22am and it will set at 3:08pm. That's only 5hours and 45 minutes of day light.

12 years ago today

As I said in my post yesterday, I arrived in Finland 12 years ago on this day. I had no idea what the future would hold, but I was ready to start it and see where it would take me. I can't believe I'm still here, yet I am. I'm still in love with this country and Mr Siili. ♥ So for this anniversary, I thought I'd share some things about my adopted country that I (still) like, one for each year I've been here, in random order (except for the first one).

1. My husband, Mr Siili 12 years of living together and we've managed not to kill one another, although I think at times it was close. He is my love. We still have a lot to learn from each other, but I think we're doing pretty good. The sex is still amazing too! (In fact, we agree it's even better.) I also want to include my in laws and our cats. They have definitely helped me to love it here and keep my sanity at times.

2. Summer There is no other quite like a Finnish summer. (Ok, maybe Alaska, Sweden and other northern places might be a tiny bit a like.) The length of the summer days are just amazing (around 20 hours of sun above the horizon near midsummer). It doesn't get fully dark and definitely no need for a flashlight when camping. And I can't forget the warmth! It isn't generally so very hot in summer, but it also isn't below freezing either.

3. Winter Finnish winters are quite nice too, especially when there is snow. Snow just makes the world beautiful. It turns dark and dreary days into blue tinted days and nights that are magical looking. It also means that the temperatures are below freezing, which is ten times better than just above freezing. Give me freezing any day! I really should pick up a winter sport. I do get sick of the long winter right around the end of February or March, the days are finally noticeably longer by then and we know spring will be on its way (eventually).

4. Nature In Finland, there is a concept called "everyman’s right". Everyman's right gives everyone
the basic right to roam freely in the countryside, without needing to obtain permission, no matter who owns
or occupies the land. With this concept is the ability to pick wild berries (lingonberries, blueberries, etc), mushrooms, go for walks in the nature and so much more, so long as you don't harm the surroundings.

5. Muumi/Moomin These Finnish characters are loved by many, myself included. I was introduced to Moomin during my first trip here and I've gone crazy over them ever since. Their stories and antics are fun to read. I can't wait to introduce them to my own kids some day.

6. Door handles & water boiler I know, strange things to take note of, but they are some of the things that just felt so right when I first came to Finland. The door handles are easy to open, even if you've got something in your hands or if your hands are wet. No round knobs to slip on. As for the water boilers, I had never seen anything like this before here. It makes boiling a cup of water for tea quick and easy. Plus, I don't have to stand around watching the pot, waiting for it to boil. Or worse yet, get bored of waiting and walk off with the stove on. *blush*

7. Sauna Finnish sauna is not about sex, as many people think (but it sure can be fun). It is a place for getting clean, relaxing, hanging out with friends and getting warm after time spent outside during the winter. One of the best things I can think of is having a sauna near the lake during summer and hoping back and forth between the two. You can't get any more relaxing than that!

8. Finnish (language) Tämä kieli on ollut haastava, mutta pidän kielistä kuitenkin. Finnish has been a challenging language, but I like it all the same. It has been said that it is one of the most difficult languages to learn, but I don't believe that anymore. I've seen way too many people learn it quite fluently in 1 year (with help of some courses, but still!) Finnish is unlike anything I've come across before, but I really do like the language. Now if I would only use it more often. Bad me.

9. Health Care While the public health care here isn't always the best and sometimes there are long waiting lines for procedures, it is quite inexpensive and accessible. We do make up for the low cost of public health with the taxes we pay, but it is worth it. Especially as a foreigner (I did need to have permanent residency, 4 years here, before I qualified to get it) from the US, I've found this system to be beneficial. Dentist appointments cost about 30€ and the same with doctor visits. And a major plus for Mr Siili and I are how much cheaper all of these IF treatments have been. I'm totally impressed and I know that my tax dollars have definitely benefited me.

10. Education Again, another one of those public things here. All education (except for a few private schools) from kindergarten on up to college doctoral degrees are free. Yes, I got my Bachelor's degree here in Finland for free!

11. My friends What would life be without friends? I never would have survived all of these years if I hadn't had the support, camaraderie and fun times with my friends. Many, not all, of them are foreigners also, so they do get the whole living away from your home country thing. My friends are my family!

12. Food A very important thing that I could never forget. I love my food, sweets, cooking and baking. One of my first traumas here in Finland was wanting to make my husband a nice meal, but I couldn't find all of the ingredients I need because I didn't understand the packaging and it was different than what I was used to in the US. That experience left me in tears and also taught me to bring a dictionary with me everywhere I go, because trying to read Swedish doesn't cut it.
Some of my favorite foods here in Finland are homemade peruna rieska, Fazer chocolate, salmiakki (salty black licorice), Karelian rice pies and the tons of different kinds of sweets I can find.

x

How I met my husband

I met my husband (who shall be called Mr Siili from this day forward) back in 1997 sometime. He was in Finland and I was in the US. We met face to face at the beginning of 1998 for 3 days and then in the summer I went to Finland for a month. He came back with me for a few weeks and visited again later that year. I stayed with him for the first 3 months of 1999 trying to find a job. No such luck. But I did go back in July of 1999 with a residence permit and I've been here ever since.

That's the short of it. For the long and convoluted story, keep reading on.


We both played on an online text based role playing game (MUD) called Midnight Sun. A mutual online friend introduced us and we chatted some in the game. Some time just after New Year in 1998, Mr Siili was in the US visiting friends when they had a family emergency and he didn't want to stay alone at their house. I told him to hop on a bus and come visit me and my then boyfriend, who also played the same game at one point.

After ~18 hours on a greyhound bus, Mr Siili hopped off the bus and was immediately enamoured with me. (Seriously! He wouldn't stop looking staring at me his entire visit.) We spent 72 hours together and then he hopped on a bus back to where he came from and then onto a plane home to Finland.

After this brief meeting, Mr Siili and I started chatting in the game regularly. We chatted about anything and everything. There was even a few times where I stayed up all night chatting with him, only to have to head to work that next morning. I lived for chatting with this person. In fact, I was talking more to this guy halfway around the world than to the guy I was living with. I remember trying to figure out if this might be the beginning of love or if it was just an infatuation because someone was paying attention to me.

As 1998 progressed, things started getting worse with my then boyfriend. We argued more and had more issues about little things. I hated his drinking and especially his smoking cigarettes. But, as my then boyfriend said, he was doing this when I met him and I knew what I was getting into when we started dating, 4 years earlier. After one particularly bad episode of his drinking and doing some stuff that he shouldn't have been doing. And then bringing said stuff into our apartment, I lost it. I freaked out on him, cried hysterically and just couldn't handle it anymore. I see that as the last straw in our relationship, although it wasn't officially over then. I decided I needed a break and I was going to go to Finland for a month long holiday. 

My then boyfriend said that we could use this time as a 'break' and see how things were when I got back. My then boyfriend had also told me previously that if we ever broke up, there was no going back. We'd be done and over with, for good, permanently. I thought it was funny how things changed when it came down to it.

Late May of 1998 found me stepping onto Finnish soil for the first time. It was summer; the days were long, it was warm and Mr Siili and I had one month of no plans. We talked until 6am, slept until noon, left the apartment and wandered around town and did it all over again. I met his parents and most of his dad's side of the family at a cousin's confirmation party. I met some of his friends. We even stayed on an island for Juhannus (mid-summer) with one of the friends and his girlfriend. It was so light that we didn't even need a flashlight. (That still amazes me to this day.) I just fell in love with Finland.

Half way through my trip, I called my then boyfriend up and told him that there was no way we'd be together when I got home. We were officially over. I honestly wasn't too sad or heart broken over it. I had already been distancing myself for several months. Besides, I was in Finland with a great guy!

Mr Siili came back with me to the US for a couple of weeks after my visit in Finland. This was all planned before I even went there, but man oh man, was it awkward to be in the same apartment with my ex, a friend of his that was visiting from out of town and my current love. I ended up calling my dad one late afternoon in tears telling him I needed to move home now, today, this evening! I also had to call the coffee house I was working at and tell them that I was quitting, as of right then. No, I wouldn't be in in the morning to do my shift. I felt so guilty about that (and still do to some extent), but if they had managed to survive without me for a month, they could continue to do without me.

Mr Siili paid for the U-haul that afternoon (and my dad paid him back when we got there). We packed my stuff into the U-haul that evening and night. Drove the 1.5 hours to my hometown in the middle of the night, which took more like 2.5 hours in a huge U-haul I wasn't used to driving. We slept a few hours and turned around to take the U-haul back, picked up my car and the few last belongings I wanted and we left my ex, cat and apartment behind. I've never been back there.

After Mr Siili spent a couple of weeks with me in the US, he flew to visit our mutual online friend that introduced us. (Man, I was so jealous of that!) Mr Siili and I continued to chat in the game, write letters, some phone calls and anything else we could do to keep connected. I decided to go back to school to try and finish my AA-degree and then be ready to move to Finland after the New Year (1999). Mr Siili did come visit me in October. We saw One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and also dressed up for Halloween (I was a black cat and he the Grim Reaper, that smiled). I didn't finish my AA-degree, stupid essays! But I did go back to Finland in Mid-January of 1999.

OMG! It was snowy and -28C outside!!! Mr Siili had lured me to Finland in the middle of summer and now this! What had I gotten myself into. I had never been anywhere this cold or with this much snow. Or at least not with the intention to stay there for a long period of time! Mr Siils and I played house for 3 months while I looked for a job to keep me in the country. I didn't find a job, so when I had to go back to the US after my 3 months was up, I didn't know when we'd see each other again.

I filled out forms to get a resident permit in Finland. I was told it would take 10-12 weeks to get a decision. So, I reserved plane tickets for 13 weeks. Week 8 came and I called, no decision yet. Week 9 came and I called again. Still nothing! The lady told me to not call again until week 11. I had to call the airline and let them know that I still didn't know if or when I'd be flying out and would they still hold my tickets for me? (No airline would do that today.) I called again at 11 weeks, still no decision. Week 12 came and I went home on my lunch break and called once more. If no decision was made today, I'd have to cancel my reservation and re-plan things. When I got a hold of the lady, she said she still didn't have a decision. I was crushed! I dialed up to the internet (yeah, way back then) and emailed Mr Siili. I told him that I had no news and that maybe he should try calling the embassy from his side to see if he could get something done. When I logged off the internet, our phone beeped saying we had 1 new message. I dialed it up and it was the lady from the embassy asking me to call her back. I called the lady back and she told me she hadn't gone to the fax yet that morning and that my papers had arrived during the night. I HAD RECEIVED MY RESIDENCE PERMIT!!!! She would overnight my passport to me and I was ready to go.

July 21st I left my hometown in the US to start my new life in Finland. I arrived in Finland July 22, 1999 and I've been here ever since, 12 years later. 

And the story still continues...

Love and break-ups

No, not my own break-up, at least not a current one. I'm talking about Eva Longoria's recent break-up from her husband, Tony Parker. In the article I read, she had the following advice to pass on.

She told America's InStyle magazine: "One thing I did learn is you don't hold on to the bitterness of the loss; you hang on to the beauty of the love. Remember all the good things. There was a reason you met someone and a reason why you were together."

Exactly! That's exactly what I said when my ex and I broke-up and still say to this day, more than 13 years later. Actually, I've said and thought this about all of my exes, except for one. That one I wish I had never known, even if I did learn some lessons from him, the hard way.

My ex and I had been together for 4 years, living together for the last year. I was 17, almost 18 when we met. He was almost 21 and had just gotten out of the Navy. We hung out constantly for a month before we became an official item, on my 18th birthday.

He was/is a good guy. He was older (all my guys have been), made me laugh, could draw like nothing I had ever seen before and he also wrote poetry. Although, not your typical flowery poetry, this stuff was mostly dark and moody. I honestly can't remember what exactly it was that drew me too him. Other than what I've already mentioned and that his physical traits are they "type" I go for. Just taller than my 5'8'' (173cm), slender and slightly muscular, but definitely not over done, nice arms and a squarish jaw line (at least that is what I see). My ex introduced me to online MUD games (Multi-User Dungeon / Multi-User Dimension). Think Dungeons &Dragons online, but online. He also liked to drink and smoke.

Another thing that defined my ex, even if he didn't admit this to himself until many years later, is the fact that he is bi-polar. I don't mean that he has minor mood swings from happy to sad, he has full on episodes that sometimes last months at a time between the manic and depressive stages. When he's depressive he drinks a lot (more than normal) and does a lot of drawing and writing poetry. During these episodes he has also done bodily harm to himself. He has a starburst pattern of scars on his chest from a pair of scissors after a night of drinking (before I met him). Thankfully he didn't cut himself much when we were together, at least never anything like that.

We had our share of ups and downs. Many of our fights were over his drinking. He'd tell me that he was going to have a drink, just one. That one drink turned into one more drink and then another and another. Pretty soon it was many drinks and he was drunk and a bit aggressive. He never hit me or verbally abused me, but he also wasn't always the most pleasant. I think our first big fight was close to our one year anniversary and if I remember correctly, it had to do with alcohol. I've sometimes thought back to that and wondered why I didn't leave him then. I can't tell you why I didn't leave then, I can only say now that I hadn't learned what I need to learn yet. And hindsight is 20/20.

I can remember one fight in particular. We were at a friend's house and some of the guys left to go get some alcohol. They were gone for ages, I was tired and wanted to go home. Myself and someone else went to go look for them. We caught up with them at some bar. I wasn't 21 yet, so I had to wait until the friend brought him out. When my ex got outside we started arguing. How could he abandon me like that?! Especially when we were only supposed to be there for a short time and then go spend some quality time together. We were standing in the middle of the road (quite busy during the day) yelling at each other. We yelled at the top of our lungs. I even pushed him a few times. You know those two handed shoves to the shoulders. What I really wanted was to punch him. But I didn't. He ended up going his own way and I went home. I probably didn't hear from him for a day or so and I'm sure I was the one who went looking for him afterward.

We went to the local community college together. He lived with his parents, I moved out on my own and also moved back home at some point. We spent a lot of time with each others' families. He actually knew my stepmom before I did. His parents got to like me after they got over the fact that he was dating "the girl with that thing in her nose". After we'd been together for 3 years, we decided to move in together, a couple of hours away from our hometown. Life went on as normal, until our last big fight a few months before our 4th anniversary. Before this fight, I had noticed that I was distancing myself and pulling a way from it all for a while.

My ex was in one of his 'moods'. He had been out drinking with a co-worker (or more, I don't remember) and they got up to some mischief. Illegal mischief at that. And they brought their mischief back to our apartment. A huge pile of it into our living room. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I started freaking out on him, crying, screaming, yelling, crying some more. I cried so hard that night. I cried so hard I was in physical pain. It was one of the stupidest things he had ever done (that I knew about).

I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to get out of there. I had been corresponding with a guy from the MUD my ex and I played on. I decided I was going to take a month long holiday, in Finland! My ex and I had me this guy at the beginning of the year when we was in the US visiting other MUD people. My ex and I sort of broke-up, but in the end he suggested that we just take a break during this time, I agreed. Although, I knew that nothing would be the same and I wasn't sad to be leaving him behind while I went off on my adventure. My ex had also told me at some point earlier in our relationship that if we ever broke-up, that was it. We would be done and over with. No getting back together. I remembered this, even if he didn't.

I went to Finland. Had an amazing time! It was close to midsummer after all and it never got dark. How can a person not like that?! About halfway through my trip, I called up my ex and told him that we were done. When I came home, it would not be as his girlfriend. Where one romantic relationship ended, another started. But that was not the end of my dealings with my ex. At the end of my stay in Finland, my new guy and I flew back to the US (this was prearranged). My ex had just gotten out of the hospital for a collapsed lung. He blamed that one me. We tried talking some things through. He told me he was going to ask me to marry him before all this happened. It was all I could do to not laugh. Seriously?! I think he was just trying to poke me where it hurt. Talk about awkward moments as we all existed in the same 1 bedroom apartment for a while. My new guy and I ended up renting a U-haul at 5pm one evening and moving my stuff back home to my dad and stepmom's house.

My ex was very angry with me for a long time. The few times I talked to him soon after our break-up, he told me how everyone hated me in the town we had moved to for what I did. I was a bit upset that people would judge me so harshly (if it was even true), especially when they didn't hear my side of the story. How could I dare to being a new guy home already and to our shared apartment? (Did he forget this was arranged before I even left the US?) My ex tried to get our mutual friends to be mad at me. True friends didn't take sides. He told me that this new guy and I wouldn't last long and that this was just a rebound fling. And many more hurtful things. I never talked bad about him (even if he did about me) as I knew he was hurting, I was too. But I think more than anything he was shocked and hurt that I finally got enough of a spine and stood up for myself. I didn't take his crap anymore. I broke it of, not him. Not him.

In any case, I've always cared for my ex. I had spent almost 4 years with this guy, I truly cared for him. First and foremost, he was a friend before a boyfriend. I know we were together for as long as we were for a reason. Both of us needed to learn something( or somethings) and that was why we were in that relationship. I did get a letter from my ex a few years later. He told me he was sorry for how he treated me among other things. He was forgiven long before that. I had no bitterness towards him, nor anger. I still care for him and wish him the best in life.

Name change

 I did it! I've changed the name of my blog from 'life in finland - elämä suomessa' to 'BattleFish'. I've been thinking about this for quite some time and even more so the last few days. The previous name just wasn't me. It never really felt right, nor did it encompass what I wanted. Yes, I'm still living in Finland and I don't see that changing (ever), but my life and what I am blogging is more than just being in Finland. Lately most of my posts have to do with my husband's and my journey TTC #1 (from my view point of course). But I also blather about my friends, family, daily events, thoughts, feelings, Finland and really, just whatever is happening in my world and head at the time.

This new name has a lot more meaning to it on several levels. First, BattleFish is a nickname my husband calls me sometimes. Especially when I'm in a contrary and bratty mood. He'll usually call me this when my bad-moodedness (new word) is not fully serious, but yet nothing he says or does is right and I just want to pick a fight or at least bicker. Hubby can tell me I'm being a BattleFish and it will most likely make me smile and then make it hard for me to continue on in the same manner., especially when I know I'm being a bratty. Now, if I'm truly in a fowl mood, this will only anger me more. Secondly, when I started thinking of the word(s) BattleFish, I am battling. I'm battling to get pregnant, battling to start a family, battling to keep my sanity, battling to just be me and to be happy with it. Thirdly, I quite like the name. It's cute, but not in a girly way.


The only thing I'm not quite sure I like with this new look is the background design and color. It might change in the next few days.

And on to other stuff...
This morning (afternoon), when hubby and I woke up, we laid in bed for a while discussing our cat game that we are designing. This game has been something that we've been discussing and designing for some several years now. I do hope we'll finish it someday and actually publish it.

Once we got out of bed, we went to look where our house (duplex) complex is going to be built. Right now, it is just a roughly leveled area of land. It was hubby's first time seeing it. Yes, we signed papers for the place before hubby even went to see where it was going to be built. He knew the area, but just not what it exactly looked like. He said the area for the complex is small and possibly cramped. :( It does sort of look that way, but I am confident it will be ok. In any case, it will be ours and we'll only share one very well insulated wall with someone.

Today is 4dpFET. I'm still taking Zu.menon (estradiol hemihydrate) and Lu.gesteron (pro.gesterone) 3 times a day. The pills don't bother me, but sometimes I just really can't stand the suppositories. (Do you think it makes a huge difference if I "forget" a suppository every once in a great while, just to give my lady bits a break?) I don't seem to have any of the side effects people talk about. I admit, I had to google what sort of side effects are common, as I really just don't feel anything at the moment. No sore boobs, no bloating, no more irritation or irritability than normal. For good or bad, I just feel like me.

To finish this post and evening off, hubby and I are watching the Finnish-Swedish world hockey championship. Go Finland!!!