I did it! I told my co-workers!

I did it! I told my co-workers that I'm pregnant yesterday! It wasn't quite how I had planned it, but it worked. And now I've got a different secret to keep for a while.

First, let me give a little background on this. Last Sunday, I posted about being nervous as to how I was going to tell my co-workers. So, I asked two women who have been pregnant at my work how they told everyone their news. The first one is my former team leader and she said she told everyone during a team meeting. The other lady said that she made some comment about being extremely tired during a coffee break and one of the other girls said "You must be pregnant", to which she replied, "Why, yes I am". And from there the word spread. So she didn't really "officially" tell anyone, it just sort of got out.

And now back to yesterday at work. Earlier in the day, my former team leader started chatting with me (via a chat program) asking if I told everyone earlier in the week during our coffee break where I had baked something and shared it with everyone. I told her I hadn't said anything yet and that I had baked just because. She then asked when I planned on telling everyone, how it would make holiday planning easier for everyone if they knew and so on. She didn't want it to seem like she was rushing or pushing me, but just that she was curious. I told her I wanted to tell and that I probably should tell, but that I was still unsure of how to go about it.

During this chat with the former team leader, I started chatting (verbally & via the chat program) with the one co-worker in my team that did know I was pregnant, as he sits right next to me. Often times we chat half via the chat program and half verbally, quite interesting to listen to I'm sure. I told him what our former team leader was saying and that I just didn't know what or how to say I'm pregnant to the team. He told me the summer holiday thing was a good idea and that I could casually mention during lunch or a coffee break when the topic of summer holidays came up (or try to steer conversation towards that) about my extended summer "holiday" plans. At one point the guy said something (funny, I think) and tears started welling up in my eyes and I started crying and laughing. I tried telling him I had no idea where these tears came from and they were completely unfounded! He said he knew where they came from and that they were founded. LOL

Anyway, from these two conversations, I now had it mostly figured out how I was going to tell people. I liked the idea of summer holidays and it being able to be brought up during a regular conversation. And most likely not everyone would be there at once, so I wouldn't have to face the entire peanut gallery at once. What is really weird (to me) about this whole situation is that normally I don't have issues speaking up and saying what's on my mind, especially when it is around a group of people I know. This whole "announcing" thing and bringing all of the attention focused solely on me, is just a bit too strange. So, it was now just time to wait for the opportunity to strike.

Then our team meeting happened (during the time most people take their afternoon coffee break). We've recently gotten 4 new people to our team and the EK thought it would be nice if we could go around the room introducing ourselves with our name, how long we've worked there and which units we handle. Someone jokingly said it was sort of like AA meeting, except instead of how long they had been clean, someone said hold old they are. We all had a laugh and people started introducing themselves stating their names, how old they are and their units. For the first few introductions, others would say "You don't need to say your age if you don't want to", but people kept saying it. So finally my turn came, half way around the circle and I said: "My name is Heather, I'm 35 years old and I previously handled this, but now I'm doing this". And this next part is where it gets a bit fuzzy, as I just got totally nervous and blurted out weird stuff. I continued, "And while everyone is sharing a little bit about themselves, I just wanted to say that I'll be taking an long summer holiday this year because... *gulp* ...I'm pregnant". It felt like minutes, but I'm sure it was only seconds while everyone processed what I said and then started saying congrats and clapping. I honestly don't remember exactly what happened because I was in my own world of embarrassment and burning cheeks. It was then the girl's turn next to me.

Again, I can't remember the exact order of this as things were still a bit fuzzy, but soon after I told my news, the girl who was next to introduce herself turned to me and whispered "I'm pregnant too!". And then a few seconds later she turned to me again and said "I haven't told EK yet." and I whispered to her "No worries". I did talk to her a bit later in the day and told her congrats and found out she is a week behind me. It'll be cool to have someone else on the team going through the same thing, but I have to say, I'm selfishly glad I told my news first.

And wave 4 of my team's department of pregnancies begins. At least this time, I'm a part of it!

Help! How to break the news to my co-workers?

It's Sunday evening already! Where does the weekend go?
Friday I left work early, to make up for staying late on Thursday and because I wanted to leave early. While waiting to meet up with a friend downtown, I tried on bras. (I'm now at least a 80DD, that one cup and one size bigger, although I think I might still need something bigger.) I found one bra that was ok (in store) and on sale for only 6€, but I didn't buy it. After I met up with my friend, we looked for shoes for her without any success. Then we went to my house to pick up the food I'd made, to the food and liquor store and eventually (only 25min late) to our final destination: another friends house. In all there was 4 of us hanging out, eating, chatting and having a good time. When I got home, I basically crawled straight into bed.

After sleeping almost 11 hours, I woke up, watched the two most recent episodes of American Idol and then scrambled to get ready to brave the freezing temperatures outside to meet some other friends downtown for food. We hung out at a cafe, where I ended up telling them I'm pregnant (none of them have kids, only god-kids and nieces/nephews). Later we went for food and chatted even more. I had a yummy Bacon & BBQ burger with sweet potato fries. Yum!

Today, Mr Siili and I walked to the food stores and back, in slightly less freezing weather than we've been having the rest of this week. It was colder coming home because the wind was against us. When we got home, I finished watching Vampire Diaries (one of my silly vices, I know!) and then decided to vacuum. I vacuumed half of our place and then did the dishes, but by the time I was mostly done with the dishes, my abdomen area was hurting enough that I couldn't stand up straight without it hurting. The living room remains unvacuumed. I think walking to the stores and then vacuuming was too much for me. *sigh*

Finland had second and final round of voting for a new president. We'll find out tonight or tomorrow the latest who our new President is. The last 12 years (2 terms) Finland has had a female President: Tarja Halonen. She was the first female president and it was pretty cool to be here when she was elected into office the first time around. I was a bad Finn (just like I'm a bad American) and didn't vote. (Neither did Mr Siili.)

Help! How does one go about telling their coworkers they are pregnant?
I told my team leader (immediate boss aka EK) this afternoon that I am pregnant. My former team leader and big boss already know and have known almost as long as I have. Whether that was smart or not, who knows, but they know a fair share of my journey and have been totally supportive of me. Anywho, the reason for telling EK "already" is that she sent an email out on Friday asking if we had any input about her training plans for the new people that are joining us this next week. I thought I'd let her know I was pregnant now, not that it affects the training plans so much now, but in the near-ish future and just in case someone would need to be hired to cover for me when I go on maternity leave.

Our 12 week scan is on Tuesday and then we have a team meeting on Friday. I was thinking of telling everyone then. As I figured everyone would be in the same place at once. I'd be able to do it and get it over with. But when I told Mr Siili these thoughts, he reacted quite badly. He asked if I was trying to be a drama queen and was that really the time and place to let people know. He asked if wouldn't it be better to just tell during a coffee break? My reply was that not everyone goes to coffee breaks at the same time and I don't want some to know and others not. Not that I really feel the need to tell all of them anyway, but...I'd rather have it out in the open so I don't have to be concerned with saying or not saying anything. Mr Siili's other suggestion was to just wait and let my growing tummy (not that you can really see anything yet) tell for itself.

Ugh! I'm almost thinking of just not telling anyone or maybe the random person and letting it get leaked out like a rumour. Hahahaha! Thoughts anyone?

I finally did it! I told family!

I told our families that I am pregnant. *phew* I am glad that is done and over with. While it was exciting, it was also nerve wracking. Now, let's see how fast the word spreads. Hahahaha

I told my dad and (younger, older) brother last night. I know my dad's just thrilled! He asked me about it at xmas and I told him "we're working on it". I told him that I've thought about the 'what if' I get cravings for things that are only in the USA, he said just let him know and they'll ship it over. Heh. He also said this sounded like a good time for them to have to come visit. That would be just awesome. We'll even have an extra room for people to stay in then. My brother was sweet in his response and he's already scheming about how to come visit or at least gifts to buy. (I'm letting my dad tell my step-mom and (younger, younger) brother.)

And then I told Mr Siili's mom this evening. She started crying immediately. She's beyond happy for us. I've told her a little bit of what we've gone through. Plus, she was a mid-wife before she retired, so she'll have a lot of information to offer if I need it. She asked if she could tell my FIL, I said but of course! And MIL is already talking about hitting the stores and knitting some stuff. I have no idea who will tell Mr Siili's 2 sisters or brother & wife. Most likely we'll at least tell the wife, because we see here semi-often at her work.

And then I called my sister (because I couldn't get a hold of her last night) and told her. She was shocked and then immediately excited! She's going to be a real auntie! Not just an auntie to her friends' kids, but a real auntie. *heart melts* While I was talking to my sister, my step-grandma stopped by and so I told her too. She gave a dignified squeal (if that's what a grandma does) and exclaimed she's going to be a grandma! I heard my sister in the background 'correct' her that she will be a great grandma and then I heard it repeated closer. Then my step-grandma said she's never been a great grandma before. Hehe. I think I made her last few years.

The only person I can't tell is my mom. Although, as my sister said, she's here watching us, so she knows. I haven't been thinking too much about my mom lately. At least not more than surface and fleeting thoughts, because I know that once I really do start thinking about her and the fact that I am pregnant now and she's not here to tell, I'm going to start crying and be totally sad. I think just writing this has started it. Gosh, I miss my mom so badly!


We'll slowly start telling other people now, but I figure we'll wait until closer to or after 12 weeks to tell everyone.

I can't believe it! Those BFPs are mine!!!

I tested twice this morning and didn't or just couldn't believe that those faint second lines were actually BFP lines. They had to be evaporation lines (even though it had been less than 10 min since I tested).

On my way to work I went and bought a different kind of test and held my pee for the next several hours. But before I tested at work, I called my clinic to see what happens next if I am indeed pregnant. I told the nurse that I wasn't sure if the tests I did in the morning were positive or not and that I was going to test again later today. The nurse said I should just wait until tomorrow! As if I could do that!! I mean, I probably will test again tomorrow, but no way was I going to only/just wait until then to re-test.

I tried asking about betas being taken, but I have no idea what they would be called in Finnish, so I only mentioned blood tests. She said that a blood test would reveal the same results as a home test. When I explained to the nurse in more detail (using many small Finnish words) what I meant by 'blood test' and 'beta', she said they don't do that at this clinic, they have too many patients for that. I still have no idea if they do beta draws in Finland at all or if this is just a public clinic standard. Oh well, no betas for me. Well, unless I start spotting or there are other complications, then I'll get betas taken. Let's hope the later doesn't happen.

I was also informed to continue taking the progesterone (that I knew) and to call again on Monday with the "official" results. At that point, if I truly am pregnant, an appointment will be made in 3 or so weeks (January sometime) to see how everything is going. O M G! I would really have to wait that long to be seen? Oh well, that's how it is done at this clinic. If there is anything I have learned about IF treatments, they vary considerably from clinic to clinic and especially around the world.
And this is what I got when I tested just after lunch. A huge freaking BFP!!

I still don't believe! Or rather, I do believe it, but not really.

I know my news is going to be hard for many and for that I'm so very sorry. (I won't be offended or hurt (not much at least *hugs*), for those of you who need to un-follow me.) This isn't the end of IF for me and my struggles won't just go away. There have been way too many tears for all of it to just be forgotten. It's been almost 3,5 years that we've been trying to get even this far. This is just the beginning of a new phase in this whole 'trying to get pregnant' process and I know that nothing is ever certain. I've followed too many other IFers through their journey to know the facts of it all. This very well could end sadly at any moment. But, until something changes, I'm going to try and wrap my head around this new information and try not to offend too many. At the same time, know that this is my blog and my journey, I write here what I feel I need to. This blog has given me the outlet I've needed when things have been their worst (and best). Then, when I found this wonderful IF and ALI community via the Stirrup Queens' blog earlier this year, I just can't imagine my life without you all. Thank you for your support and kind words.
I can't believe I rambled on this much... (Mr Siili could.)

O pangs and then some

One grumble today: I found out on Friday that a guy I work with is expecting. His wife is 8mo pregnant! I'm not totally surprised that I've only just now found out about it and not directly from him I might add. I wouldn't have been totally shocked if I would have heard "Oh, by the way, my wife had a baby a couple of months ago.." from him. I've worked with this guy for 3 years (although the last 6 mo he's been in a different department, but we still interact on a regular basis) and this is just the way he is. It still doesn't take away the sting of hearing about his good fortune and I can't help but uncharitably think that I've been married longer than him and probably trying longer than them also. That was my only downer to my wonderful Friday.

And now on to other stuff...

After my  +OPK on Wednesday evening and Thursday morning, I am sure I O'd during the day on Thursday. I felt it! I haven't felt O pangs in such a long time, like, for the last couple of years. It makes me wonder if around the time I stopped feeling O pangs is when my endometriosis showed up? Having mostly 28 day cycles (sometimes 27 or 29), I am quite confident that I ovulate around CD14. This would be confirmed in my mind, especially when I could feel pinching O-like pangs on the right or left side each month. I even tried telling a doctor around that time several years ago that I didn't feel them anymore and he just told me that women don't always feel them. But I used to! So why wasn't I anymore? Ugh, I wish more doctors would actually listen to us when we say something about our own bodies. (Enough of that rant. That's for another post, someday.)

As for Thursday, I was able to entice hubby into the bedroom for a bit of fun. Even if the outside and inside temperatures had been close to +30C for several days and have continued to be that hot since then. But, that is also the only BD we've gotten in this cycle around O time. Either it will work or it won't. I'm trying not to dwell on it much.

After what I believe was O on Thursday, I have continually had a stitch in my right side, right where my O pang was. Sometimes it is quite pangy and painful and others it is just a tugging feeling. Last night (or was it the night before?) I could barely turn over in my sleep because it hurt so bad. And still, more than 2 days later, I'm still feeling pangs where my right ovary is. Seriously! I'm just wondering if my O was so eventful and explosive that it has maybe bruised the area. (I never would have thought of this if it wasn't for a friend who had it happen previously and told me about it. It also happened to be the cycle she got pregnant.) I'm also feeling quite bloated the last 2 days or so. It's been short lived for that feeling to be gone.