Now that that's finally over, we can get back to normalcy

Finally, xmas and all this 'merry making' is done and over with. This year's christmas has just left me in a bad mood. I can't quite pinpoint what it is that affected me so, but I'm just feeling bleh and a bit BattleFish-y. I could make all sorts of excuses as to why I'm not in the cheeriest of moods, such as:
I didn't get any candy for xmas,
We were horrible first time parents and didn't take any "baby's first xmas" photos,
I'm missing my mom,
I only got a couple of gifts,
We left our cats at home for the night so that there wasn't dog drama,
Mr Siili and I argued more than I'd like (over mostly stupid crap) and
the whole trip to the in-laws was rushed and stressful.

But really, those are just sorry excuses, well, all except for missing my mom. What I really should be thinking and remember is the following:
I have the happy and healthy baby I've been wanting for years!,
My dad and sister visiting earlier this month was a wonderful early xmas gift. Not to mention the brand new laptop and other items they brought for Paxlet and I,
I have my health,
I have a great husband (most of the time),
We spent time at my in-laws, who made wonderful xmas food and even sent some of it home with us, including candies, brie and blue cheese!,
Paxlet inched his way across the bed by himself for the first time (butt up in the air and then pushed himself forward, face down leaving a "snail slime trail") and
I Skyped with my entire family in the US this evening.

Tomorrow's just another day and for that I'm very thankful. I hope everyone has enjoyed their holidays, whatever it is you celebrate. I'm just read to go back to my normal everyday life, starting right now, by going to bed.

The holiday season is upon us

I know this by several ways. The days are shorter and nights darker. Halloween has come and gone and Thanksgiving is near. All the stores have christmas crap stuff in them and christmas songs playing over the air. And I'm getting stressed and sad.

I love Halloween, but it isn't really celebrated here. Sure, in the last few years, you can find more Halloween costumes and related stuff in stores. Some daycare centers, kids clubs and schools have a day where kids get to dress up and adults go out to bars to drink. But there is no trick-or-treating and I get strange looks if I do dress up for the day. Even if it is only my devil's horns or cat ears. I miss Halloween.

And then comes Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving doesn't exist at all in Finland. And I miss turkey-day! I love the food! The getting together with family. And especially the food. But, the night before Thanksgiving, when I was 14, my grandmother (mom's side) passed away. Every year around this time of the year I think of her and everyone else who has moved on. Starting last year, that includes my own mom. I started thinking about my grandma and mom today. It made me cry.

This has nothing to do with the post, I just felt like putting a picture here.

After Thanksgiving comes christmas. Finnish christmas is different than what my family does in the US. I do like the Finnish christmas, it's just different. I especially like the food. It makes up for not having Thanksgiving.  I do love the family time and being together. I also love baking cookies and other holiday treats. I'm very thankful I have Mr Siili's parents and that we spend christmas with them. It has definitely made the holidays easier.

But christmas itself, is still the same. I'm not a religious person, so the whole meaning of christmas doesn't really do anything for me. I've struggled for years to find meaning in the holiday. Something more than people just wasting money on gifts that people don't really need and also people being greedy for gifts they get. I hate the stress of gifts! Which is why for the last few years, and most likely this year too, I've taken to baking goodies for most everyone. (I have no idea if they like them, but I haven't heard any complaints.) As I said earlier, I like baking and I figure most people will like the treats, plus after the holiday season is over they won't have more junk laying around that they don't really need.

Once again, 'tis the season for me to think of family that is no longer with us. 'Tis also the season to stress once again what to do about christmas gifts. I know I'll feel better once I get a bit of sleep.
Until then: Bah, humbug!

Best virtual baby shower EVER

My family and friends in the US hosted a virtual baby shower for me via Skype (with web cam) on Saturday (evening my time, early day their time). This party never would have been possible without Skype and our webcams. It was amazing!! I loved being able to see everyone while we chatted, they had coffee & cupcakes (we had just eaten dinner), opened gifts, played games and just hung out.

The start of the party was marked by everyone entering the party room, parading in front of the web cam with a balloon under their shirt. The guys were included in this stunt. It was pretty funny seeing my dad with a bit round tummy. Everyone was moaning, waddling and "complaining" about how tired they were from carrying their 'load'. It was funny and brilliant!!

As the US part of the party drank their coffee and at a cupcake, I started opening gifts. My stepmom and sister had collected gifts during June and then sent the package near the beginning of July to get it here on time for the party. The package only took 10 days to ship and I had it sitting in my living room for almost 2 weeks before the party. I don't feel I  can't do the gifts we've received justice by just describing them, so I'll post some pictures in the next post right after this.

A few of people in the US had their gifts there with them, so they opened them for us and showed them around. My dad will bring them to me when he comes to visit in September. After gifts we played a few quick games. There was guessing how many jelly beans were in a 120ml sized bottle (102), how big around my tummy is (42 inches) and a name game. Everyone shared their favorite name with us and Mr Siili and I picked which one, out of the list, was our favorite (Niklas). Although, it doesn't mean we have to name Paxlet that. *grin* The party ended with everyone in the US eating lunch and those of us in Finland going to bed. I dreamt about the baby shower all night.

I am completely at a loss for words of how amazed, humbled and thankful I am for my family and friends and what they have done for Mr Siili, Paxlet and I. I just don't know how to describe what I'm feeling. My family is so excited for Paxlet to arrive in this world. It is my parents' first grandchild and my siblings' first nephew. It's at times like this that I am a bit sad that we live so far away.

Not only did my stepmom, (step)grandma and sister go shopping together to get us some insanely cute stuff, but my stepmom and sister dug through my mom's stuff and found items that she had been saving for her future grandkid(s). Some of the items belonged to each of us kids when we were little and others were stuff she had purchased because she liked them and/or had one like that when we were little and liked the product. So I now have a full arsenal of amazing stuff!

What is killing me right now as I type this and has me in full out sobbing tears is the knowledge that my mom wasn't able to experience the baby shower. She will never get to meet her first grandchild and never see the stuff that she lovingly saved and gathered be put into use by her grandkids. And from all the stuff we received from my mom (Grandma Robbin), you can tell that she was so freaking excited to have a grandchild. The small comfort I have right now from this, is knowing how much she wanted a grandchild by the preparations she had already made, before any of us kids had ever even gotten pregnant. I am thankful that I had told my mom that we were trying to get pregnant and that she knew what we were going through in order to have a kid and give her a grandchild. (I've woken Rusty, the 'old boy' cat, up and he's come to see what is wrong.)

I know it's impossible and silly to think this, but I'd give up any and all of the material items we have received to just have my mom here. I know it doesn't work that way and that it's impossible, but I can't help but feel it and think it. At the same time I am thankful for my stepmom (and that or relationship has gotten much better) and my mother-in-law. I love my family and friends. I know I am not alone. Not in my thoughts, nor life, yet sometimes a girl just wants her mom.

First mother's day

Whether you've lost your little one too soon, have your little one with or are still waiting for your little one, I wish you a Happy Mother's day!

Today is also Mother's day here in Finland. (Father's day is on a different day, though.) It's an actual holiday here and the stores are closed. I've never paid too much attention to Mother's day, whether I was in the US or in Finland. My mom never wanted any of us kids to go out and buy her stuff, she'd rather we make her something, do something nice for her and/or just be nice (every day of the year, not just this one day). But this year's mother's day is completely different than any other year.

This year is the first year my mom is no longer with me. She died in June of last year. And if I remember correctly, Mother's day was the last time I heard her voice. I called her that day and we chatted a bit and that's the last time I actually talked to her. I did type-chat with her one last time for a short period after that on Facebook where she told me my/our cat, Sabby, had died and I taught her how to make smileys.

This year is also the first year I'm a mother myself. After trying so hard and for so long (almost 3,5 years), I've finally got a little one growing in me. I'm nearing 7 months along and in another week and a half I'll be in the 3rd trimester. This still feels nothing short of a miracle and for this I am grateful.

This year is such a mixture of emotions. I can't help but be sad that my mom isn't here to celebrate this long awaited event. But at the same time, I'm looking forward to the day when Paxlet is born and here with us.
Wherever my mom is, I'm thinking of her and missing her.

Mamma's berry pie

At 10:30 this evening, I realized with shock that I hadn't given our cats their evening treats (a couple of teaspoons of wet food). Normally Rusty, our 12 year old boy, is reminding us starting around 6:30 that treat time is coming up soon. But not this evening. For some reason my coming home at 7pm and doing dishes seems to have thrown him off and he just slept. So, I let him know it was treat time, like I do every night: Rusty, treat time! And he me-eowed vigorously and loudly, albeit a bit groggily from still being half asleep. He followed me into the kitchen and let me know he was there waiting. But when I put the food down he just sniffed it and sort of stared at it. Mansi on the other hand scarfed her food down. Normally, Rusty eats his first and tries to eat what is left of Mansi's too. Not this night. He sort of licked the food, looked at it some more and walked off. I sat there on the floor crying because my cat is getting old and I don't want him to die. He can't die until after the baby is born. We already lost his brother almost two years ago. I lost my mom almost a year ago. I'm tired of losing people I love.

This last weekend Mr Siili and I did absolutely nothing. Well, almost nothing. We spent the weekend catching up on tons and tons of TV shows (Lost Girl, New Girl, Dexter, Unforgettable and probably more I'm forgetting). We didn't go food shopping on Friday, nor Saturday nor Sunday. We munched what food we could find in the house on Friday evening and Saturday. Sunday we went to a very late brunch (more like a late lunch) at the Crazy Reindeer restaurant. We did wash one load of laundry. I did fill the sink full of dishes with hot soapy water and then left it there the rest of the day so we ended up draining before we went to bed. Mr Siili did make me laugh!
Last Wednesday I sent Mr Siili a text message:
Where are you at? I think I forgot my keys at home. (And I proceeded to sit outside our door for about 30 minutes waiting for Mr Siili to come home from work and let me in.)

Then on Saturday afternoon, Mr Siili must have noticed my message, because this is the reply I got:
I am home, watching tv with the old lady.

Two hours later:
Fine, don't answer. (We were still sitting right-next-to-each-other, watching tv a couple of hours later.)

Then, I got a bit bored with one of the shows we were watching and I played with my phone a bit and this is the message I got:
How is the quality time with the hubby?

The first two recipes that where shared with me when I came to Finland, were Potato bread (perunarieska) and Mamma's berry pie (Mamman marjapiirakka in Finnish). I still make them to this day and will continue to do so. Both of these recipes are easy to make and more than delicious!! A couple of weeks ago I made a twist on the Mamma's berry pie and it was so good that I wanted to make it again, but I've been so lazy after that that it took me until this evening to make it again. Here's the basic recipe, with my changes and comments at the bottom.

Mamma's berry pie (Mamman marjapiirakka)
Dough:
3/4 cup butter (or margarine)
1/3 cup sugar
1 egg
1 1/4 cup flour (can be half and half of what ever combo you like, we sometimes use graham)
1 tsp baking powder

Mix all the ingredients together, spread on the bottom and sides of a pie pan.


Filling:
1 cup sour cream (or non flavored yogurt)
1/4 cup sugar (more or less, depending on your taste and the berries/fruit you use)
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla sugar (or extract)
2 1/4 cup berries (strawberry, blueberry, raspberry, rhubarb*, etc)

Put the berries on top of the dough crust and pour the filling on top of everything. Bake at 400F for 30-40 minutes.
(*With the rhubarb, put it in the mix a little bit before pouring onto the crust.)


My notes: We love rhubarb! And sometimes adding strawberry!
This last two times, I've made it with apple, but I've switched up the dough and made a cheesecake crust instead of the traditional one. And because we don't have graham crackers here and I don't like digestive cookies, (crispy) oat cookies will do, but what I found I really like are Bastogne cookies by Lu (crispy cinnamon cookies - although, the generic brand works well too). I think the apple cooked better when I shredded it instead of thin slices, but no matter how you chop your apple, it is very yummy!

Happy Birthday, Mom!

My mom would have been 54 years old today, but instead it has been almost 9 months since she left her mortal coil. I'm having a hard time today and really missing her something fierce. I decked myself out today in things she had knitted in hopes of trying to feel a bit closer to her. I'm not sure if it helped any, but I did feel physically warmer.



"I thought I'd found a reason to live
Just like before when I was a child
Only to find that dreams made of sand
Would just fall apart and slip through my hands
But the spirit of life keeps us strong
And the spirit of life is the will to carry on
Adversity what have I done to you
To cause this reclusive silence
That has come between me and you
And the spirit of life oh-ho remains in light
And the spirit of life oh-ho remains inside
I never thought it would be quite like this
Living outside of mutual bliss
But as long as the veins in our arms still stand up
The spirit of life will keep living on..."

1 lonley frozen embryo + Xmas Quiz

I'm just so bummed right now, that I just don't have it in me to write a proper post. I got my letter in the mail on Friday that out of the 5 embyros we left growing the week before, only 1 of them made it to 5 days and into the freezer. One embryo! Only one! I'm so sad.

It's also only 4 more sleeps until I POAS. Time has passed..not slowly and not quickly, but just passed. Bleh.

Enough of this blah-ness, here's some fun xmas questions that the annoyed army wife recently posted that are sure to cheer everyone up, myself included. Hohohoho!

Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot chocolate, only because there isn't egg nog in Finland, unless I make my own and that is gross! I wouldn't drink much egg nog if I did get a hold of it, but a taste would be great. It's been way too long.

Colored lights on tree/house or white? None. We don't own any xmas lights. I do have puukynttelikkö (image below), which is a candelabra sort of thing that is very popular here in Finland. I just need to remember to dig it out of our closet and plug it in.

Xmas goats, Ms Mansi & puukynttelikkö

Do you hang mistletoe?  I don't think there is mistletoe in Finland. So, nope, we don't hang it here.

When do you put your decorations up? Uhm, when I have a kid. I almost forgot, I do sometimes make a gingerbread house. Below is last year's.

What is your favorite holiday dish? Do I really have to choose one? I love the rossoli salad (mentioned in this post), rutabaga and sweet potato casserole and all of the sweets! I also love my mom's pesto torta (recipe in this post).

Favorite Holiday memory as a child? Maybe the year all of us cousins were at grandma and grandpa's house for xmas. We saw Rudolf's nose in the distance, heard sleigh bells and hoof noises on the roof! It was so exciting!!

When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I have no clue. I just know that we had to pretend there was a Santa for our youngest brother.


Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Growing up, we'd get to open one smallish gift on xmas eve. In Finland, Santa comes on xmas eve (kids get to meet him) and leaves all of the gifts. So, we open them all on xmas even and sleep in on xmas day.


How do you decorate your Christmas tree? I've never had a tree of my own since I've lived away from home. I also don't care for decorating it, so my mother-in-law usually does it.

Snow! Love it or Dread it?  At the beginning of the season, I love it. Give me until January or February, I'll tell you a different story.

Do you remember your favorite gift?  The two toys that come to mind are the Rubik's magick, which I still have, anda Magical Musical Thing (mine was blue). You could play it with your head (running the bar/stick back and forth).

What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?  Sweets and more sweets! I make tons of different cookies each year. Chocolate chip are always there.

What is your favorite holiday tradition? Family time.

Candy Canes: Yuck or Yum? I can eat about 1 peppermint and that's all. Other flavors, I might be able to eat a few more. Although, you only find a few (peppermint) candy canes here at all.

Favorite Christmas movie? I'm not that big on xmas movies, but maybe The Snowman is ok.

Saddest Christmas Song?  One Tin Solder

What is your favorite Christmas song? See above. I think we sang this in elementary school choir and it has just stuck with me ever since. I love the story of it.

Opposite of Squeeee!!

What's the opposite of Squeeee? Anti-Squeee? Or maybe it's Un-Squeee? In any case, the emotion that is the opposite of Squeeee is just sadness and bleh.

Friday during the day, I had a spot of very light pink/brown discharge on my undies and on the toilet paper, once. I decided I couldn't wait until Saturday morning, so I POAS'd late late Friday night and got a BFN. I stopped using the progesterone suppositories because I figured AF would be on her way soon and I was really sick of the suppositories. It was very nice to go all day Saturday without anything leaking from me! So much so, I even thought of trying to get Mr Siili in the sack with me for a bit of wiggling. It didn't work, but that was ok. I just had a very lazy day instead and read a book, most of it while I was in bed. I did go out in the evening with some girls from work. We played pool and then had dinner. It was an enjoyable evening. I think I had maybe 1 or two tiny, almost non-existant AF spots during the day, so I really thought AF was on her way.

By the time I woke up and stopped reading in bed on Sunday, AF still wasn't here, I decided maybe I should still be using the suppositories. Maybe it was too early to test on Friday night. In went the suppository and out came leakage tinged pink/brown and nothing else. And now, here is is Sunday late afternoon, and still no AF. I'm not sure what to make of it all, except that I feel like I am in limbo and I am progressing into a sad state of mind.

I don't know how much longer I can take this month after month of disappointment. Yet, I fear (know?) if I don't continue, I'll never get to my goal of pregnancy and an eventual baby/child. Infertility sucks! I feel alone, even if I rationally know it isn't true.

I still have a couple more days before Wednesday, which is the day the clinic says I can test, so we'll see, but I am NOT hopeful at all. To top it all off, my neck decided to spasm and kink yesterday just before I went out. Now it is stiff and hurts, again! I'm going to continue reading now.

Brunch with my girl friends

Lately, I've been having a rough time with life, missing my mom and how long it is taking to get pregnant. You can see some of this in two of my recent posts: here and a little bit here. About a week ago, I decided I couldn't handle keeping all of my thoughts and emotions to myself (and Mr Siili) anymore. I am a social person and I haven't been talking much or sharing much with my girl friends. Sure, I've told them about the good times and the happy times and a little bit about my sad times, but not nearly enough of it all. So, I sent an email to my closest 4 girl friends and asked if they had time to meet up sometime in the near future. Lo and behold, we (4 out of 5 of us) managed a Sunday brunch get-together in under a week!! I sent the first email Tuesday night at 10:51pm and today we met. That almost never happens! I feel much better after today's gab session, even if we did cry a bit.

We enjoyed an amazing buffet brunch with the sun shining on us.The food was plentiful and yummy. I had 2 huge plates of food (fruits galore, meat, mashed & wedged potatoes, mushrooms, olives, shrimp, crawdads, sun-dried tomatoes, etc) and a slice of cheese cake and carrot cake for dessert. (It's now 8pm and I'm still not really hungry.) While we ate and for a while after, we caught up on each others' lives. All the good stuff, first. Before I could get my courage up and truly say what I needed to say, one friend had to leave, as she lives in another town. I was very glad that she joined us, but I'll have to talk with her more at a later date!

Then when it was just the 3 of us, the talk turned to a bit more serious note. That's when I felt it was time to let them know how I've really been feeling lately. I told them that I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I need my friends and I need my friends to be there for me, as I want to be there for them. My friends are my (chosen) family, especially when my blood family is half a world away.

These two friends of mine not only listened to what I was saying, but they understood what I was trying to get across! It wasn't just me pouring out my heart ache and sorrow and a bit of happiness too, but they shared their aches and pains also. It went to show, like it has been coming more apparent to me lately, that we as humans all have these burdens that we either feel aren't worth it to share with others or we don't want to make our burden someone else's burden. Some of the things my friends shared just broke my heart, but I am better for knowing that they put enough trust in me and our friendship to share. I also feel lighter for having shared my own sorrows. I truly hope we can continue in this vein and call on each other when we need it most.

Today was a perfect autumn day: a chill in the air, sun, friends, food and chat.

Like a broken record

Why can't anyone see that the smiles don't go all the way to my eyes?

I can't seem to get my mom out of my thoughts for more than a few moments at a time. (Even when I do manage to be in the present and now with life, I'm reminded of her soon enough.) And really, there is nothing wrong with that, except that I find myself constantly sad. Random little bits just run through my head: I want to share the knitting pattern I saw the other day that I know she'd like. I have baby and "when I was young" type of questions I want to ask/know. The books she introduced me to (Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series) and the music she told me about (Adele's Rolling in the Deep) before I heard it anywhere else. These things just keep popping up in my head over and over and over again, just like a broken record.

In some ways, it reminds me of the time GCC (the coffee house I worked in for many years and loved it there) was broken into during the night. I was the first person to arrive at work in the morning (5:30am) and I noticed a rag knocked over and the back door was ajar. I called my co-worker who was supposed to come in next, but she was already on her way in, her husband told me. I told husband what had happened and he told me to get outside (with the cordless phone), call the cops and he'd be right there. The cops came and did their stuff before most of our morning customers arrived. We managed to make the door look normal until it could be fixed. But that whole episode shook my day (several days actually). I kept thinking about what had happened. How could someone violate our work space. Was it a regular customer? (I had my suspicions.) The cops had been there and not just for coffee and bagels (no, we didn't serve donuts, even after they asked. Seriously!). It was just a very strange and unsettling feeling. It felt like I had told every single person who walked into our coffee house that day: Hey, we were broken into last night! Surely our customers could see into my head and know what I were thinking. Couldn't they? In any case, it sure felt like they could. But I hadn't told anyone. In reality, the only people that knew were those of us who were there to open house, the cops, the couple of very early morning customers and other co-workers. (The bosses were out of town and we had no way to get a hold of them.) This whole episode kept playing over and over, just like a broken record.

I know that no one else is thinking about my mom. It has been over 3 months now. *sarcasm* I'm not asking anyone to think of her or be sad about her passing like I am. And I'm not sad every moment and not even every day. But there are times that I just can't seem to think about anything but my mom and how much I miss her! I am finding it hard to believe that no one seems to notice how sad I am on my really down and melancholy days. Am I really that good of an actress that no one sees it? I know my husband sees it because I wake him up in the morning with my sniffling and tears, I come through the door in the evening sobbing and upset (like tonight) and he gets the brunt end of my not so pleasant moods sometimes. (I'm sorry, Sweets.) But does no one else see it?!

I don't think my friends here in town (as opposed to my net friends) know how I'm feeling. One part is because we don't see each other so often anymore. Another part is because if/when I do see them, we just have so much to catch up on, there isn't so much time to be sad. And probably the biggest reason my in town friends don't know how I'm feeling is because I haven't told them. Again, I don't want to sound like a broken record and only be talking about my mom. Plus, I try to put on a brave face and down play things. I do the same with my fertility issues (with most of my in town friends them, except for the rare occasion), I just don't want them to worry and I don't want to be the focus of everything. I want to give everyone their fair share of talking time when we do get to meet up. I do realize that this last part is my fault, but it is so hard to open up sometimes. I don't want to cry in front of everyone all the time.

I really wish I had some sort of life lesson or something profound to say to end this post, but I don't. I just hurt and I'm sad and I miss my mom.

Woeful & Wordy Wednesday

When I opened Blogger for the first time today and saw that I had earned my 33rd follower, I gasped in happiness. Really, I did! This month's ICLW saw my followers increase by 3. And each time I saw/see my numbers go up, I feel amazed and happy that someone wants to read my words. I can't imagine these feelings will ever get old. I love my followers and the interaction they give me. Thank you everyone!

As ICLW winds down for the week and month, I hope everyone has gotten something out of the comment leaving, whether it be big or small. Any time I get a comment it helps me know that I am not alone, especially on some of my darker days. This week was no exception.

- This morning started out with me sniffly and then in tears over my mom. I still miss my mom tons and I find that I just want to call her and talk about things or ask her something. I'll never be able to do that again. Some things are just going to be lost to me forever. And it kills me. This sadness has followed me most of the day. Not even diving into work made it go away. I just felt so hollow and empty inside that I almost expected someone, anyone at work to stop me and ask what's wrong. But I guess I'm a good actress as no one seemed to look at me twice or ask what's up.

- I was going to leave home early so I could go to the pharmacist before work. I left the house 1 minute too late, because I saw the bus already at the stop and there was no way i was going to run for it today. Actually, I've decided that the bus was too early this morning, or rather exactly on time. I walked a few bus stops in hope of catching a different bus line, but they all leave about the same time, so I saw them all pass on by in front of me. By the time I did catch the next bus, it was late downtown because of some construction work. So I didn't go to the pharmacist before work.

- My underwear decided it was a good day to ride up my ass, on one side. (God that sounds so stupid and laughable when typed out.)

- I went to the pharmacist during my lunch break, only to find out that I left my wallet at work.

- On a positive note, I didn't receive my normal mass influx of work emails, which allowed me to get caught upon some work. I still have tons more to do tomorrow. Isn't that how work is, though?

- I went to the pharmacist after work to get my asthma and progesterone prescriptions filled and there was a long line. Thankfully they have numbers to take so I could walk around and get the O-tests I needed. Although, I couldn't find the O-tests and finally had to ask someone. They were right next to the pregnancy tests, I was just blind. I bought the cheaper brand. It was also the one that didn't have the smiley, happy baby on it. Only a flower. On a positive note, the progesterone is covered by the Social Insurance, so I only had to pay 1,50€  for the 2 boxes (total) instead of 37€ each. Unlike the Lugesterone I had been using all of these previous times, which I am allergic to, and I had to pay 17€ per box as the Social Insurance wouldn't cover it. Let's hope I don't have any allergic reactions to this stuff.

- I got home and my cat meowed at me. Like he always does when I get home, but some days I just wish he would shut up. I feel bad for thinking that. I gave him and his sister their evening treats and he was content for a while.

- Dinner wasn't cooked when I got home and I felt way too lazy to cook it myself. So, I had peanut butter on Saltine crackers for dinner. A few of them even had a tiny piece of dark chocolate on top, for dessert.

- I told Mr Siili that my day was just crappy and I cried a bit more. I'm quite sure a fair share of this moodiness and hormonalness is due to the pending O. So, in a nut shell, that's my crap-tastic day. It's a big nut shell, I think it's a coconut. I know none of these things are that bad, but when I'm feeling down and out, everything just seems multiplied.

- After a two hour break while Mr Siili and I watched 2 episodes of Fringe, I'm feeling a bit less sullen and sad. I'm now just extremely tired. It's off to bed with aforementioned meow-y putty tat for me.

Good night!

Three years TTC

Later this month marks 3 years since I removed my last NuvaRing and we started TTC.

The first year wasn't so bad. I knew it could take some time before anything happened, so I wasn't worried. I also thought that because I had gotten pregnant so many years earlier, way too easily, that this time would be the same. Boy, was I naive!

The second and third year have been filled with fear, mega hormones, uncertainty and utter sadness among other things. Fear and disbelief have come from the need to go to a fertility clinic, have lots of treatments and become one of 'those' women. Disbelief that my body would let me down, especially when I knew it worked, at one point. Hormones, my own and additional ones administered to my body. Mood swings that come out of nowhere. Hormones that have at times caused me cry for the stupidest reasons and uncontrollably, snap at my husband for no or little reason, bloat and at times just feel all around miserable. (In all fairness, I've actually had it pretty easy as far as side effects from treatments go.) Uncertainty of whether the next cycle or treatment will work. The sense of hopelessness as I've gone into yet another cycle and already having the feeling of this not being the one and then AF shows to rub it in even more. Being torn between being happy for everyone else who has gotten pregnant, had their kid(s) to being utterly saddened by my lack of any sign of a positive pregnancy test.


Three years! Three years and not one single show of two lines, a smiley face or BFP. No chemical pregnancy, no ectopic, no miscarriage, no nothing. As sad as it sounds and the reality of it is, I would give anything to have been pregnant and lost it than to be in this place of never having had at all. I just want some sort of sign to show that it's even possible for me to get pregnant. I know our embryos from IVF grow in the lab, but what is happening when they are transferred back to me? Obviously nothing.

Three years and we still have nothing to show for it. That's what saddens me the most.

Tearful, bleh day

I have several ideas for posts that I want to write, but I'm just not in the mood today. For today has been one of those teary and bleh-type days. My own waterworks started this morning as I was taking a shower and have continued off and on throughout the day (sort of like the weather). I was teary as I arrived for work, but then threw myself into work and didn't really have time to think about much else. At lunch I saw my big boss for the first time in weeks. She gave me a hug and told me she was sorry for my loss. I told her thank you and then I just wasn't sure what to say, because all I could think of was telling her how today was one of the bad days. So, lunch time left me a bit down feeling. After lunch, my lack of a good night's sleep and the tail end of jetlag hit me. Yet I still had several hours to go at work. I was the last one to leave from my floor. On my way down the stairs, I stopped one floor below to see if a co-worker was there. She was. We talked and cried a bit. (She just lost her dad just before I lost my mom. She also lost her mom a year ago.) Once I got home, I just wanted to hug DH, but he was cooking. I tried hugging our cat Rusty, but he didn't want to be held, just petted. So here I am sitting in front of the computer, still feeling a bit sad. So, yeah, today has been one of those days. A teary, tearful and bleh day.
Tomorrow has to be better.

Where to start?

This is a long post and I'm not really sure I'm saying much in it, but I need to write it out anyway. Thank you in advance to anyone who reads it all.

So much, yet so little, has happened during the last 2 weeks that I'm not sure where to start. Two weeks ago, June 19th, at 6pm my time, I got a phone call that changed my life forever (not to sound cliché, but it is so true). I knew it was my stepmom calling and that there was something horrible in her voice, but our connection was so bad that I couldn't hear what she had to say before we got cut off. After about 30 minutes of trying to contact someone in my family and rebooting my phone, I was able to talk to my stepmom. My mom had died of a heart attack. She was only 53 years old/young. I was (and still am to some extent) in complete and utter shock. I needed to get to the USA as soon as I could.

I always knew and feared this day would happen. I just didn't expect it to happen so soon. I knew that by moving half way around the world from my family that if anything ever happened, it would take time for me to get there. But at least now I know that if/when something does happen they will call me immediately. I had fears/concerns that it would be some time before anyone would notify me that something had happened. Kind of an 'out of sight, out of mind' thing.

My husband and I booked flights to the USA. We left Finland early in the morning on Thursday June 23rd and we were due to leave for home again on the morning of Wednesday June 29th. Not much time for us (my siblings and I, with the help of our Dad and step-mom) to get everything done.

After 26 hours of traveling (door to door), we arrived in my home town, exhausted. We stayed at my mom's place (now my sister's). Friday we took care of bank stuff, got our copies of the obituary from the newspaper office and who knows what else. I have no idea what we did Saturday. I think my Dad, youngest brother and DH went crabbing. Sunday was my mom's memorial. And what a beautiful event it was! My mom touched so many peoples' lives and she was/is so loved.* The rest of our trip was mostly spent going through my mom's stuff and dividing things up. I think the 3 of us kids did quite well. Tempers only flared a little bit.

On our trip home, every single flight was late! From the first one from my hometown (due to bad weather at the plane's departure, I think it was fog), to a 2 hour wait ON the plane in San Francisco (the evacuation alarm wasn't working) which caused us to miss our 3rd flight in Frankfurt, but we managed to get another flight to Helsinki, 4 hours later. And even that flight wasn't immune from a late departure of about 40 minutes. The lateness didn't stop there. If our last flight would have been on time, we most likely could have caught the earlier bus to our hometown. Instead, we had to wait 50minutes for the next one. Thankfully the sun was still shining (gotta love Finnish summers) and it was a lovely 26 degrees outside with a bit of breeze.

We finally arrived to our town (at 10:20pm), got the car, loaded the suitcases and went to get the cats. Rusty came running at the sound of my voice. Mansi was her normal spazzy self. Both cats went into their carriers nicely, but Rusty made it be known that he was not happy to be in it, the whole trip home. Thankfully it was only 15 a minute ride. I didn't get to sleep until 1:30 and was up at 7:30 to go to work.

I worked a 9.5 hour day and was in bed by 10pm. I was so freakin' exhausted! I woke up around 4am, read a bit, chatted with DH and then fell back asleep until 9 or 10. We spent some special time "wiggling" together and then we went outside for a while to read. I did a quick food shopping trip then back home and slept some more. I woke up at some point, only to still feel totally exhausted. I think I finally woke up around 5 or 6pm. I was so thankful that DH made dinner the night before, so I only had to reheat stuff. We watched a bit of wacky colored TV (our TV is on the fritz again. The middle circle of the screen is red and the outer ring is green with the 4 edge corners something else). Then I played catch-up on the computer, where here I am writing now. It is 3:15am and I really should get to bed.

I sure do miss my mom. And my family in the US.

*I intend to do a separate post about her memorial.