Now that that's finally over, we can get back to normalcy

Finally, xmas and all this 'merry making' is done and over with. This year's christmas has just left me in a bad mood. I can't quite pinpoint what it is that affected me so, but I'm just feeling bleh and a bit BattleFish-y. I could make all sorts of excuses as to why I'm not in the cheeriest of moods, such as:
I didn't get any candy for xmas,
We were horrible first time parents and didn't take any "baby's first xmas" photos,
I'm missing my mom,
I only got a couple of gifts,
We left our cats at home for the night so that there wasn't dog drama,
Mr Siili and I argued more than I'd like (over mostly stupid crap) and
the whole trip to the in-laws was rushed and stressful.

But really, those are just sorry excuses, well, all except for missing my mom. What I really should be thinking and remember is the following:
I have the happy and healthy baby I've been wanting for years!,
My dad and sister visiting earlier this month was a wonderful early xmas gift. Not to mention the brand new laptop and other items they brought for Paxlet and I,
I have my health,
I have a great husband (most of the time),
We spent time at my in-laws, who made wonderful xmas food and even sent some of it home with us, including candies, brie and blue cheese!,
Paxlet inched his way across the bed by himself for the first time (butt up in the air and then pushed himself forward, face down leaving a "snail slime trail") and
I Skyped with my entire family in the US this evening.

Tomorrow's just another day and for that I'm very thankful. I hope everyone has enjoyed their holidays, whatever it is you celebrate. I'm just read to go back to my normal everyday life, starting right now, by going to bed.

What a difference a year makes

I've been trying to write this post all day long, but due to my little boy, he's kept me busy and away from the computer. Which is exactly the point of this post: One year ago today, little did I know my world was going to change, for the better. It was exactly 2 weeks after my 3rd (and final) IVF protocol that I peed on a stick, two to be exact, and got a faint second line.

A year ago, I had some psychologist appointments to help me come to terms with my mom's death and more pressing the fact that I may not become a mom myself. While I didn't care for the psychologist much herself, she did raise a few good questions and help me start processing things in my head. I am so thankful that my life didn't end up that way. I'm lucky, I know it.

I am one of the very fortunate ones. Not only did I finally get the long awaited BFP, but I had a very easy pregnancy that went full term (41 weeks and 2 days), the delivery was fast and uncomplicated and Paxlet has been a wonderful child without colic or major screaming fits. I know I have it good and I never forget it.

Thankful Friday (a day late, sort of)

I say "sort of" because Thanksgiving seems to be the day where people express their thankfulness, en masse. But, really, there shouldn't be just one day a year in which we express that we are thankful.

I hope everyone had a great Turkey-day. Here in Finland, it was a Thursday like any ol' other regular day. Except, it wasn't quite a regular any ol' day for me. Thanksgiving is my second most favorite holiday, after Halloween. And I totally miss Thanksgiving. I miss the food and the family getting together. Even after 13 years of being away from it, I still miss it dearly. So, I spent the day thinking of my family and not feeling very grateful.

I know I have a lot to be grateful for and generally I think I am grateful for what I have (most of the time anyway), but yesterday, I just wasn't feeling it. So while I read many blog posts and FB statuses about what other people were/are grateful for, I just couldn't bring myself to write anything. Today's another day and I'm in a better frame of mind and feeling much more grateful.

I'm grateful for...
...my wiggly, drooling all over me & everything else, grinning, cooing, wanting to sit up-not leaned back little boy. He is the joy of my life! I am so thankful for him, even in the moments when I want a few minutes to myself.

...Mr Siili. I know I don't tell him enough that I am grateful for him. I will do better. He has put up with me and loved me for so many years and I know he'll continue to do so for many more.

...living in Finland where I am given the right to take at least 10 months of paid maternity leave. When I think about it, I already dread going back to work next spring, yet I know I am so lucky to have this chance to be at home with Paxlet for this long.

...my family and Mr Siili's family.

...my dad and sister coming to visit me next month. I've got a post partly written up on this subject and hope to post it this weekend.

...Rusty and Mansi. While I don't pay as much attention to the kitties now that Paxlet it here, I love them just the same and I'm glad they are in my life. Although, sometimes it's a love-hate relationship with Mansi, the spazzy and energetic youngster.

...the interest rates being insanely low for our home loan.

...every single person I've met online, face-to-face or not. You have all left a warm spot on my heart and in my life and helped me through some of the darkest days and rejoiced with me during the better ones. Thank you!

...being able to get around town by bus, with the stroller, for free.

...chocolate.

...momma & baby groups that I've been testing out to see if I can find some other moms that I might have something in common to hang out with.

And the list could go on forever, but I won't.

CD13 and a better day

aka Thankful Thursday

Today is CD13 of my cycle and also the day I was told to start POAS to test for O. After all the trouble I went through to get the pee-sticks yesterday, I had to test one last night. Besides, what girl can resist peeing on a stick when it is in her vicinity?! I know it was late (midnight) to be testing and that I wasn't going to test that late the rest of the time, but I just couldn't help it. The test line was quite faint, but it was there. Today though, the test line was much darker, but still not darker than the control. Fingers crossed for a darker test line tomorrow or this weekend so I can call the clinic to schedule my transfer for next week.

I know yesterday's post was quite horrible, dreary and just down and out negative. That was exactly how I was feeling though. Today, on the other hand, has been much better. While I've still had a few small bouts of sadness, I've been much chipper and in a pleasant mood. I actually meant my smiles when I smiled today.

I'm not quite sure what got me into my horrible funk yesterday. Sure thinking about and missing my mom can do it. So can upcoming O-time hormones. But I really don't know what triggered it, nor why it wouldn't go away the entire day. Bleh.All I know is that I'm not feeling that way today and for that I am very thankful!

In honor of feeling perkier and it being Thursday (for 37 more minutes), here's a few things I'm thankful for at the moment:
- Mr Siili cooked dinner before I got home, so all I had to do was re-heat it.
- I had 2 tv series ready for me to watch this evening. (Again, thanks to Mr Siili.)
- I had a snuggly kitty on my lap while watching my shows.
- I stayed 2 hours extra at work (boo), but I feel confident that I've sorted the customer's account out much better than it had been in ages. One more thing to cross of my to do list!
- It's Thurs-night! Only one more day of work until the weekend.
- I wore my new bra today and it didn't bug me once! It also has a cute little jewel right in the middle.
- I'm going to bed now! I'm aiming to be in bed and asleep before midnight.

Thankful Thursday

A quick blurb about what I am thankful for this week, as I should really be working right now. hahaha

A bit earlier today, I was thinking how I am very thankful to have a car. I had my official "group" invite pap smear for my 35th year of life on this planet. (Every 5 years starting at age 30, women are sent an invite to have a pap smear. At no charge to us women.) But I forgot my referral paper at home. If I didn't have my paper, I couldn't have my appointment. So, I took an extra long lunch break, ran home to get my paper, dropped a postcard for MIL off at the postoffice, spent 5 minutes in a second hand store (looking for long thin/filmy scarves, I've got a project I want to make in mind) and then drove my car back to work and walked to the doctor's office with 10 seconds to spare! Ok, 15 seconds. So, if I hadn't had my car, I most likley wouldn't have been able to get home and back in time for my appointment.

Other items I am thankful for this week:
- My Skype call with my dad last night
- My husband
- My cats
- Only one more week +1 day of work until my 3 weeks of summer holiday starts
- I'm going to leave work at a normal time and go to the gym today
- After said gym visit, I'm going to have tea with a very good friend that I haven't seen in a while (there will most likely be tears)
- Today is a good day

While it doesn't always feel like it, I really do have many things to be thankful for. And I know I need to try and remember it more often.

Thankful Thursday

I'm feeling thankful today and it so happens to be Thursday, so this is what you get.

I am thankful...
- that tomorrow is Friday and I have a dinner date with hubby and another couple.
- for my hubby, our cats, that we have a place to live and all that "normal" stuff to be thankful for.
- for my job. Really! I like what I do and the people I work with.
- for the hot Jasmine green tea I'm drinking right now.
- for going to the gym. Even though I wasn't in the mood and it was all I could do to make myself do the kicks and punches for BodyCombat, I'm glad I went.
- for the few Reese's pieces candies I have left to eat.
- that even though this cycle didn't work, I still have at least one more IVF round in the public health care system that I can still be hopeful for in the fall.
- to still have hope. Although, I think it will take a little while to get it back in full strength.
- for my friends, although I wish I saw them more.
- for the pomegranate post written by the Stirrup Queens, it led me to ICLW.
- for all of my blog followers, comments and the IF online community I've recently found here.
- to be healthy.
- that hubby and I were able to make the first installment payment for our house. (We're much poorer now. *big grin*)
- that the pollen is mostly don't blooming and that I don't have such a red-scaly nose anymore.
- that summer is almost here and that the days are much longer!
- for my summer holiday towards the end of July. 3 whole weeks in a row!

I'm really just thankful to be here and be able to think of things I am thankful for. hehe

It's what I expected, but it isn't all so bad

Today marks 2 weeks since my first FET and the day on which I could officially test. And test I did. It was a BFN. Not that I expected anything different. Of course I am sad, but not sad enough (yet) to cry or be too depressed. Mostly, I'm just sadly aware that another month and another cycle has gone by and I'm still not pregnant. I'm also sad that I don't feel I really have a chance of getting pregnant until sometime in the fall. The reason being is that the clinic I go to closes down for the month of July (summer holiday). And being that this is the end of May and they want me to do a natural cycle before attempting any more hormones (I think because of the Zumenon, which builds endometrium lining + me having endo), I won't be able to do anything until they get back from holiday in August. Then it also depends on when and where my cycle falls and when my turn in the IVF waiting line comes up.

Although this is a semi-sad-feeling day, I have much to be thankful for:
- I had a hair appointment (wash & trim) today. It now looks so pretty.
- I took Lydia (my car) to her yearly mandatory inspection. She passed with flying colors. The only comment was that I need to get new tires (already been planned) and to drive extra carefully when it rains before that.
- I managed to get done with Lydia's appointment earlier than expected/planned, so I was able to eat lunch (chicken soup) and make it to an important meeting at work!
- 12 hours after my last suppository and Zumenon pill, I'm feeling quite crampy, but thankfully I have pain killer! (I fear this will be a killer period and I almost never have painful periods, which is why I think my endo wasn't diagnosed earlier.)
- I was going to put going to the gym on this list, but I just don't feel like it. I think I'll go buy me some chewing gum and a new toothbrush instead.