Happy Birthday, Mr Siili

Yesterday's post that didn't get finished:
My Mr Siili turns 38 years old today. He'd old, well at least older than me. *grin*

I know he doesn't care much about his birthday and sees it as just another day, but I like celebrating it and making something of it. I can't wait for him to get home from work and open his gift this evening. It isn't much, but I know he'll like it (a blue kitchen knife) because a few months ago we saw them in the store and he thought it would be cool to have one, but we didn't really need it. So, I made a mental note of it and got it for him. Bonus, it was even on sale!


Today's continuation:
Mr Siili's response about the knife was a grin and then he wondered why it wasn't glow-in-the-dark, "because a glow-in-the-dark knife would be cool". Uhm, ok.

Paxlet is still baking. I'm truly happy he is enjoying his time in my uterus, who knows if it will ever be used again. But really! I would love to meet my little guy now! I have now tried some acupressure (several times), ate curry for lunch yesterday with a co-worker (who was a bit freaked out at having lunch with an overdue pregnant woman) and I spent 2,5 hours out in the woods across from our house yesterday picking chanterelle mushrooms.
And nothing has changed!

Yesterday's catch, all clean. Approx. 6 liters of chanterelle mushrooms.

My good friend R sent me a message this morning that she had some painful contractions again last night. She's 5 weeks behind me in her 2nd pregnancy. With the way things are going, we might end up giving birth together, along with a co-worker whose EDD is 2 days behind Paxlet's (if she hasn't given birth by now, as the last time I talked to her was a couple of days ago).

I have managed to get some of the things done from my 'to-do' list on Wednesday, but I should try to get some more done today.

• Wash some laundry, at least one load
• Write something on Mr Siili's birthday card seeing as his birthday is tomorrow
• Start filling in Paxlet's Baby Book that I bought a couple of weeks ago
• Write the last Thank You-card for my Skype-video baby shower (it was a last minute addition, all the rest have been sent, except for the 2 that need addresses) 
• Organize Paxlet's clothes in the closet. Right now they are just piled in there
• Continue with organizing and arranging boxes and other stuff from the move (3 months ago)
• Re-check Paxlet's coming home bag, I think I want to make a change or two

I think I'll go get started on some of it...laundry is the easiest.

It's my birthday!

Today I turned 36 years young. We don't/didn't have much of anything planned. I woke up when I felt like it (sort of like the last couple of weeks since I've been done with work), headed downstairs where Mr Siili told me there was a gift for me on the coffee table. He got me a frog card and two books, in Finnish, although I suspect one is really for Paxlet as it is about a little dog named Tessu who is making a sandcastle. On the card and envelope, Mr Siili has written the silliest of conversations, as only Mr Siili can do. After I took the two kitties outside for a bit, I made us (humans, not the cats) waffles for a late breakfast with fresh strawberries and nectarines. Mr Siili and I then proceeded to watch several episodes of Community until I started nodding off. So, I started a load of laundry and took a nap. Now I'm thinking it is time to eat some dinner of leftover Chinese food made by a friend yesterday. (OMG, it's amazing stuff!)

Not sure what the rest of today will bring (maybe I'll actually start packing my hospital bag), but I'm enjoying hanging out with Mr Siili and kitties.

Edited to add: This post has no 'real' value, except for me to document my day, because I want to.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

My mom would have been 54 years old today, but instead it has been almost 9 months since she left her mortal coil. I'm having a hard time today and really missing her something fierce. I decked myself out today in things she had knitted in hopes of trying to feel a bit closer to her. I'm not sure if it helped any, but I did feel physically warmer.



"I thought I'd found a reason to live
Just like before when I was a child
Only to find that dreams made of sand
Would just fall apart and slip through my hands
But the spirit of life keeps us strong
And the spirit of life is the will to carry on
Adversity what have I done to you
To cause this reclusive silence
That has come between me and you
And the spirit of life oh-ho remains in light
And the spirit of life oh-ho remains inside
I never thought it would be quite like this
Living outside of mutual bliss
But as long as the veins in our arms still stand up
The spirit of life will keep living on..."

3 posts in 1

My thoughts are of 3 different subjects today, yet they all are slighty connected, but I don't feel like writing them separately, so here it goes:

The best shopping spree
A second-hand store in town had a 1€ for any item of clothing sale today (Mon=4€, Tue & Wed=3€, Thurs & Fri=2€ and Sat=1€). They do this 2-3 times a year and normally I just stay away. I just hate the crowds, I hate waiting in long lines to try on clothes, I hate trying on clothes, I hate finding stuff I like AND hoping it is in my size. I just don't generally like clothes shopping. But today was different! I spent 12€ on 12 pieces of clothing today. Yes, that's right, 12€ total on 12 pieces of clothing, as a little birthday gift to myself.

The difference with today was that I wasn't there with the intention to buy clothes for me to wear, but to find some fabric to sew some stuff. I was looking at clothes as if it was just material. I grabbed a pair of yellow-green and black plaid pants (I had spied them a few days earlier and hoped they'd still be there), a couple of green shirts in different shades, a pair of red/orange/off-white hibiscus covered pillow cases, some orange shirts, a blue flowery shirt, a brown pair of pants and a grey/black/white skirt all with the intention of upcycling or recycling them into something else. I didn't have to think of what size the clothes were or how they fit me (although I did find 2 shirts for actual wearing), I just had to like the colors and material. It was the bestest shopping spree that I have gone on in ages. And the funny part, some of the clothes I bought actually fit me and look good on me! Especially the brown slacks. Go figure!

You just don't get it! or Why can't you just understand?!
I had what I consider a pretty big break down this evening. Mr Siili and I were laying in bed chatting. It got onto the subject of acupuncture and IVF. He doesn't believe that acupuncture will help with my endo nor help me get pregnant. If I like the acupuncture, as one would like a massage, then he doesn't see why I couldn't continue to go a couple of more times (but not 8 more times), but if I am going into the appointments with the idea that it is going to "cure" or even help fix me, I might as well not go because there are no known scientific medical studies showing that it actually does anything. This got me quite upset and sent me off on a tirade about how all of this IF stuff consumes my unconscious and conscious mind whether I want it to or not. I once again explained, between crying sobs, that I feel the need to try something more, that I am getting to the end of what I can try. (No, I will not buy some magical rocks to put around our bed to help me connect with ley-lines or a copper bracelet that does whatever, etc as Mr Siili facetiously suggested.) I see other pregnant women and it makes me sad. I hear of a friend/co-worker/acquaintance is pregnant or just had their kid and I'm again sad (don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them, but extremely sad for myself). I'm now 35 (stupid birthday, although I've never really had issues with my age before and all of this 35-stuff isn't really about my age but rather the whole "harder to get pregnant and higher risk" stuff) and getting pregnant is supposed to be harder, what the fuck has it been up to now? A walk in the park? Sure, I got pregnant once 13 years ago when I didn't want to and now that I want to get pregnant, I can't! I also didn't have endo then. I'm tired of the stupid people telling me to relax or trust in god or that it will happen when it is meant to be. I relaxed the entire first year, I don't believe in god and I hate hearing "meant to be". I just want to be fucking pregnant now! All of these thoughts and more plague me constantly. I can't lock myself in my bedroom to get away from it all because even in there I'd be reminded of pregnancy or my mind would wander to babies, etc. There is no escape from it.

We've tried a year and a half on our own, I've had laparoscopic surgery for endo, we've done several IUIs, 2 IVFs, 1 FET and not a single pregnancy. Not even a BFP which results in a loss, which sad to say, I'd dearly love even one of those right now. We have 1 more IVF try via the (less expensive) public clinic and then we'd need to transfer to a private clinic if we want to continue trying. Are we even going to continue if we have to go the slightly more expensive* route? I feel like we are getting to the end of what can be done to get me pregnant. Yet, if we stop now and don't try anything else, it is almost a 100% guarantee that I won't ever get pregnant and I cannot accept that yet. I am not ready to throw in the towel and give up. I am not at a stage where I can carry on with my life in a self-accepting and happy way. I NEED to get pregnant and have a kid. I can only hope this crying and ranting episode helped Mr Siili to maybe, even just a little bit, understand what it is that goes through my mind and what I've feeling.

*I feel a bit guilty talking about 'expensive' because I know it is relative and I am so totally thankful that I don't live in the USA where IVF is insanely expensive and to which I feel that if we did live in the US, we wouldn't be doing most of what we have, although Mr Siili seems to think otherwise.

My mom would have remembered
My birthday was a few days ago. On the day of my birthday, I had aprox. 70 happy birthday messages on Facebook, several more via sms, 1 package in the mail (a few cards beforehand), a sweet card from Mr Siili and promises for the actual gift later. Of all of those well wishes for my birthday, not a single one came from my immediate family members. Two days later, I call them via Skype and still not a single person mentions my birthday. I know I could have and probably should have mentioned my birthday myself, but that just feel so wrong. So, here I sit totally upset and crying that no one in my family remembered my birthday, or at least to tell me they remembered it. And I know that if my mom was alive, she would have remembered it. She always did!

Yikes, this turned out to be much longer than I had intended.

HBD to me!

There is only 8 more minutes left of my birthday-day and I have to say, it's been a decent day. Definitely much better than I was feeling yesterday. Yesterday I was quite down and totally dreading my birthday. It's not that I am unhappy with the number 35, as I've never really had an issue with the whole age/number thing, it's more of what the number 35 means in respect to pregnancy. I just can't seem to get the number 35 out of my head as the magical age where pregnancies are supposed to be harder to come by (as if it hasn't been difficult enough already) and where they are also more likely to be considered high risk. Enough of that for now...

This day has been quite relaxing but very nice. I woke up this morning in a very warm bedroom. We get the morning sun streaming right into our bedroom. Generally I love it, but this morning it was quite warm, even for me! As I was trying to drag myself out of bed, Mr Siili mumbled 'happy birthday' to me. *big grin* The first part of the day was quite laid back. I dealt with some bank stuff and then sat outside reading for a while.When Mr Siili went to get his hair cut, he also got me a card for my b-day. It is a very sweet dragon and knight card. I love it and the words even more. That is the only gift I got from Mr Siili as I told him I didn't need or want anything today (except a baby and that can't be given on demand). I do know I'll get some late b-day snuggles tomorrow. *wicked evil grin*

I didn't want to just sit around all day, so I sent out a message to several friends asking if they'd like to go frisbee golfing with me in the evening. (Mr Siili had basketball practice.) Eventually 2 co-workers (plus a boyfriend) said they'd like to join me. Yay! But first, one of them and I went to the shore and hung out at the lake. The day was beautiful, even if a bit overcast, which actually made it much nicer as we didn't sit there and sweat the whole afternoon. At 19:00 we met up with the other two and played a round of frisbee golf. We all sucked! LOL. And at hole 7 (out of 9) it started raining. We got very wet, but thankfully it was a warm rain. I loved it! This evening Mr Siili and I watched a couple TV shows together.

All in all, today has been a mellow day, but a good one. I'm thankful for my husband and friends who've wished me many happy birthday thoughts (on facebook and sms) today. I know I'm loved.
 
p.s. Don't forget my Reverse Birthday Gifting giveaway! Only 24 more hours to sign up.

Reverse Birthday Gifting

 As I said earlier this week, my birthday is July 28th. I'll be 35 years old/young this year. I'm not quite sure what to think about it, really. It seems that as I've gotten older, my birthdays cause me more confusion. I want to be excited about my birthdays like when I was a little kid. I have great memories of birthday parties, even if I do have a summer birthday. Yet, these days, it is rare I have a party. Most of my friends are off doing their own thing, especially being that it is summer. So, I try not to get up my hopes nor have any sort of expectations and still I can't get this sort of undercurrent buzz out of my system that my birthday is coming.

This year isn't any different. Up until today, I haven't really had time to consciously think about my birthday. Work has kept me very busy for the 3 weeks and after work I'm just so tired and hot that I don't think about much. But today marks the first day of holiday and I've finally got some time on my hands. Yay! But I have still had that undercurrent buzz I always have, but I also know this year's birthday will be a little different. The differences this year are my mom and my age. This is the first birthday without my mom. I'm a bit sad about it now, but I think it will effect me more on the day. As for my age, I've never been particularly worried about it. For the most part, age is just a number and some days (mostly) I feel younger than that number and other days older. But 35 seems to be the 'magical age' of when TTC gets harder and pregnancies become higher risk. But I've (we've) already been having a hard time TTC for the last 3 years, how much harder can it get?! This stresses me.

So, as usual, I'm trying not to have any sort of expectations for my birthday. I don't really want anything that can be bought. Although, it would be nice if Mr Siili would make dinner (or suggest going out without me having to decide where to go) and maybe a cake. Other than that, let's see what happens.

Now, about that Reverse Birthday Gifting (in other words, give away) I mentioned earlier this week and probably the only reason you've read this far... (hehe, I hope not.) I really liked what Mel at Stirrup Queens did for her birthday. She gave some games away instead of wishing for gifts. I've always liked giving and this seemed like the perfect timing.

I thought about this for quite some time of what I'd like to offer. I love doing crafts, but I wasn't sure what I felt would be worth giving away. I've made bookmarks, phone cozies, dream catchers, collage items and more. And then I also have glass jewelry that I make. I love making these items and I've gotten amazing compliments on them, so I thought I'd offer one (or two) up for the prize. Above you can see some (additional) examples of glass pieces I've made over the last 2 years.

The glass pieces I'm giving away are below. I have decided that the lucky person can choose 2 pieces of the following 12 items.

I know the picture doesn't do them justice, but I think I did pretty good at getting the colors quite true. But just in case the coloring looks different on your monitor than mine, I'll explain them quickly.

1. red & yellow base with a smokey-clear-black cover

2. black base with a blue metallic design and covered with clear

3. black base with metallic rainbow and covered with clear

4. white base with bits of metallic orange and covered with clear

5. red bits in the shape of a star

6. a see through grey stripe flanked by 2 green stripes and covered with clear

7. lime green base with a metallic clear/pearl strip and covered with clear

8. purple base with orange strips (same orange as in #4) and covered with clear

9. 3 stacked layers of milky purple, each one progressively smaller

10. lime green base with a metallic clear/pearl on top (no clear cover)

11. metallic turquoise base with a darker turquoise piece in the middle and covered with clear

12. black base with a metallic green/yellow piece and covered with clear

The 12 pieces above have not yet had their backing put on them (so you can choose which way you want them to hang). The backing will look like the following. A metal bit glued onto the glass and then a hoop for the necklace.

When signing up for my Reverse Birthday Gifting, I'd love to know your favorite color.

Please make sure that I have a way to contact you in case you are the lucky one to receive my gifting. (If you don't want your email here on my blog, you can email me at rowan6 at gmail dot com. Make sure you put Reverse Birthday Gifting in the subject. Sign-up for this will end at midnight July 28th local Finnish time (UTC/GMT +3 hours). I'll draw a name at random (using a random number generator thing online).
Best of luck and Happy Birthday to all!

3 events to recognize

I love July! not only is July during the summer, but it is full of milestones, events and anniversaries that I get to remember and celebrate.

The first of which, is the loss of our cat Kantti 1 year ago yesterday (July 15th). He was only 10 years old. His death was completely out of the blue and a huge shock to hubby and I. It was something we were not expecting at all. I still miss him and can't believe it's been one year since he took his leave of us. He and his brother were the first cats I had chosen from kittens to live with me in my adult life. They were (and Rusty still is) my babies. Kantti was supposed to still be here when I had my non-fur babies (just like my mom). Gosh, I miss him!

Kantti (background) with his brother, Rusty.

On a happier note, and the second event to recognize this month is my mother-in-law's birthday. It is her birthday, today!
I love my in-laws, especially my MIL. Both of them are great people and I am lucky to have them as part of my family. Many times I've left hubby (and sometimes cats) at home and I've gone to my in-laws house for the weekend. MIL and I go swimming, pick blueberries, mushrooms and just hang out. I'm glad they like me and I've told them how much I like them. We'll be making a trip to visit them during my holiday (starting in a week!).

Hyvää syntymäpäivää anoppi!

And the 3rd item to celebrate so far this month is that hubby and I have been together for 13 years today*! I sometimes can't believe how long we've been together. 13 years is forever! And it's basically all of my adult life! Time sure does fly. We a still happy with each other, still in love (maybe even more so now) and we still have a great love life (I know this is better than back then!). I love you, hubby!

A little something my husband left for me on our bathroom mirror several years ago.

*Ok, there was a discrepancy all those years ago as to whether it was actually the 6th or 20th, so I chose the middle ground and decided on the 13th. Hubby still gives me a bad time about it. LOL


Keep looking back for more anniversaries and events that I celebrate during July!