Play date at my house

For the most part, I am the last one to have a kid in my group of friends. Most of my friends' kids are 2-4 years of age, with one of them as old as 8 years and one of them 5 weeks younger than Paxlet. Being the last to have a kid and basically the only one on maternity leave right now, it is pretty lonely in my circle of friends. Everyone is busy with their families, work and just at a different stage of things than we are. It is rare that I get to see any of my friends and I find that quite sad.

Before everyone had kids, we'd get together semi-regularly at one another's house or in a pub to chat and eat. It's been ages since that has happened. To remedy this situation, I thought I'd have a play date at our house! And what better way to start the new year than to have it in January (20th to be exact), after all the hubbub of the holidays has died down.

In order to try and be more accommodating to everyone's daily schedules, I stated that from 11am-ish until 4pm-ish is the time for people to come over for as long as they wish and fits their schedule. I figured if Paxlet is awake, great! If not, oh well, I really just want to see my friends...and uh...their kids too.

I sent the email out on December 20th, a whole month in advance, as that is what seems to be needed these days. I know two mom&kid(s) won't be coming for sure, one has said she'd come and a couple others will try to make it. The rest haven't replied. I sure hope more people will show up.

In the mean time, I need to get our downstairs area mobile-kid-proofed!

Movie night with the girls

Tonight at 5 minutes past midnight,  I'm going to be watching the last Twilight movie with some girlfriends. I'm excited and can't wait to see the movie! I'm also a bit nervous as this will be the first time I'm spending any significant time away from Paxlet. And this will be Mr Siili's first time really watching the boy (not counting the couple of times I've ran to the store alone, very quickly).

I'll pump before leaving, change Paxlet's diaper and hopefully have him in bed asleep. I am sure I can do the last two and Mr Siili can always walk/rock the boy to sleep.

I know it is only a couple of hours, in the middle of the night.Let's see how it goes...

Oh, and then Friday evening is my work's xmas party... I plan on attending!
- JustHeather

Ryhmäneuvola ja rokotetutkimus

Two posts in one today: Group neuvola and vaccine study

The group neuvola visit was... uneventful. There was 7 of us moms with our approximately 2 month old babys. We went around the room and introduced ourselves. For everyone else, this was their second or third child. I was the only one on the first child.

Then the neuvola nurses facilitated the discussion by asking questions to try and get us moms talking. Getting Finns to talk is no mean feat, as they are generally quite quiet, especially in groups (without alcohol). After an hour or so of chatting, it was time for individual baby weigh-ins and length check. Then people headed off to where ever they were going.

It might be to early to tell, as all of us mothers have just met, but I already feel as if the group neuvola won't come to much and I won't find other mother friends from there. I did at least get some info of other places where I can meet adults to talk with (mostly in Finnish, it's a good thing) and potentially other moms.

At 8 weeks, today, Paxlet weighed in at 6kg 180g (13,6lb). That's up 302g (664oz) from last week's Tuesday, only 9 days ago. Paxlet's such a good eater!

Then we headed downtown to our next appointment, the vaccine study*, where Mr Siili met us. This was our first visit there so blood was drawn, Paxlet's temperature taken, details & information explained and of course vaccinations given.

Paxlet did NOT like the freedom of his arm being restricted, nor did he like blood being drawn. He cried so hard and unhappily that I started to tear up myself. After the blood was taken and I was calming him down, Mr Siili asked Paxlet if it was a big mosquito or vampire that took his blood. Paxlet responded at the vampire part.

Paxlet was given one vaccine injection in each thigh. He did not like that at all. Thankfully the boob helped calm him down quite quickly. Although, he did have to let go for a sec to reiterate how unhappy he was about the shots.

Afterward, Mr Siili went back to work. Paxlet (sleeping the whole while) and I went to lunch and then headed home. On our way home we were treated to our first snowball/snow-hail fall of the season.

This evening, Paxlet's thighs are sore, he's a bit fussy (not normal for him), but no fever. However, it did take me just over an hour to get him to sleep. Poor baby boy. Such a traumatic day.

*Mr Siili and I have given our consent for Paxlet to take part in this vaccination study. I intend to write a separate post about the study.

-JustHeather

Fruit and more fruit!

The fruits pictured below are half of my food shopping today (minus one mango that didn't survive being home even 5 minutes). One of the grocery store chains is having their "super days" sales where many of the fruits are 1€ per kilo or container. I love it when this chain has this sale because I can get so many different fruits that I love for very cheap. Plus, the slightly more exotic fruits, such as mangoes, coconuts and sometimes pineapples, are brought in en masse and are fresher during this time as tons of them are brought in for the sale!

Now I just need to eat them all before Paxlet arrives.

15,00€ worth of fruit!

This past Saturday, Mr Siili and I went to a friend's house for grilled food, crepes, wood sauna, a swim in the lake and a few games of pool/billiards. The food was superb and we all ate way too much! The sauna was perfectly hot and the lake cool (20C / 70F) although it felt cold, which is why it was perfect to switch back and forth between the two. And once I warmed up, I wasn't too bad at playing pool. The only downside was that I was on my feet quite a bit, which caused my fingers, ankles and especially the tops of my feet to get very swollen and painful.

Sunday, Mr Siili and I slept in late, then lazed around the house on a rainy day. I took a 3 hour nap early in the afternoon and then Skyped with my family in the evening. My family is so excited about Paxlet's arrival. (We are too!) There was lots of discussion about labour, breathing, pain relief, nursing and so on. I can't wait for this next part of the journey to get underway.

Right now, this is what is in the chair next to me. I love these kitties!

Rusty & Mansi

August 18 and no baby yet...

This post isn't a rant about me anxiously awaiting Paxlet's arrival or that I want him here now! His EDD isn't until this coming Tuesday/Wednesday and I'm perfectly happy to let him come at his own pace (for now *grin*). What this post is, is the results of a game we played at my Finnish baby shower.

This particular game that was played at the baby shower included a combination of questions that were asked of the participants about Paxlet's arrival and delivery. The questions were: When do you think Paxlet will arrive, his length (cm), weight (grams), up to 3 names the parents might use, Paxlet's Apgar score, What JustHeather might say during labour, JustHeather's expectations of birth/labour and Mr Siili's reaction to labour.

It was fun for Mr Siili and I to go over the responses together after the party and see what people said. Some of made us laugh (I hope I'm not that mean during labour) and others make me shudder (September 1st for Paxlet's arrival?!).

click picture for a larger view of the responses

Now it's just a matter of waiting to see who has guessed the most items as correctly as possible and we'll have a winner! But unless labour starts NOW and Paxlet arrives before midnight (less than 14 hours away), the first 3 ladies won't be correct on their date guess-timation.

I have been definitely having more Braxton Hicks contractions. Sometimes even several an hour. They aren't painful, only mildly uncomfortable or annoying, now that I know what I'm experiencing. Let the good times begin!
 

My afternoon with a 3 year old

My friend R needed some help watching her 3 year old daughter today while an interior design planner came over to help her for two hours. She asked if I would mind watching S while this meeting happened, so long as I was still able to (you know, meaning that I wasn't on my way to or in the hospital). I gladly accepted and headed over there today at noon.

I took some coloring papers and crayons with me, thinking that this might keep S busy for a while. Boy (or rather, Girl), was I right! These papers kept S busy for almost an hour! She colored a butterfly (which when folded correctly makes an egg) and I colored some easter eggs with her help. S picked the colors and I asked her where I should color with that color. Perfect harmony.

At one point during our coloring, R's phone rang. (It was charging in the kitchen.) S shouted "Mom, your phone is ringing." To which R thanked S. As R answered her phone, S told her mom that she could go talk in the other room (as it was interrupting our coloring). LOL

When S got bored with coloring, I had her go get her favorite stuffed animal (Moomin troll) and some books so we could go read. The first book I was given to read was about a little chick who went outside to find a worm-friend to play with. The second book I was told I couldn't read the words, but we could only look at the pictures. (Was my Finnish that bad?) Except for one page where she said I could read the words (there wasn't that many).

By this point S got tired of the books and so I tickled her feet. She squealed. Next, I used my hands to represent little animals, with accompanying sounds, walking/wiggling towards her on the bed to tickle her. S loved this and kept asking for different animals to come get her. I finger-walked cows, sheep, badgers, frogs, rabbits, moose, a bird and many other animals to tickle her. When she got a bit too excited and started to smack my hands, I segued the game to the next activity.

This is when she told me that her doll, who has the exact same name as her newest cousin, needed his diaper changed. I asked S if she could show me how to change the diaper because I didn't know how. She gave me a funny looked and asked why I didn't know who to change a diaper. I told her I hadn't needed to do it yet. So, S told me you had to take the pants off first and I got her to show me how. Then she told me to take the diaper off. I half pulled it off and she did the rest. Then the diaper needed to be washed in the washing machine, where S disappeared to the other room for a second and then came back proclaiming that the diaper was now clean, but it needed to dry. S put the 'wet' diaper on the window sill and brought the new and clean one back to the baby where she proceeded to diaper the baby! This little girl is brilliant!

Next we had to feed the baby, but first she had to find the food jar. Once the food jar was found, food was put on a plate and fed to the baby with a spoon. But, the baby had to be in my arms and reclining back. It could not be in the car seat to be fed. The baby was very hungry and ate two plates full of food.

After the baby was fed, I finally got S to agree that she was hungry too. So, we brought the baby into the kitchen in his car seat, on the floor next to S, while we ate our lunch. S was very hungry too and ate two huge helpings of macaroni casserole, plus one slice of tomato and some milk. After lunch I gave her a zucchini cookie I had baked the other day. S commented on how soft the cookie was and then wanted to know why it was so soft. (Uh, how do you explain that to a 3 year old?)

At some point, R brought their kitty, Anku, into the kitchen for some love because he was helping R and the lady a bit too much.

S and I then colored a bit more and that was the whole two hours!

After the interior design lady left, R and I ate a bit of lunch and then got ready to head downtown for an ice cream. The weather was just beautiful to head outside! During the 2 km walk waddle to the ice cream cafe, R tried to get her daughter to sleep, but S fought it as much as she could. (Imagine two very pregnant women waddling down the sidewalks and through town and that is the funny sight you would have seen. We at least got a giggle out of it.) It was only the last couple of minutes before we made it to the cafe that S quieted down and fell asleep. This little girl has such a mind and will of her own. R and I were able to eat our ice cream in peace and then catch the bus back to their house, as there was no way we could have survived the walk waddle home.

After I used the restroom one last time and said my goodbyes, S started crying because she didn't want me to leave (and I think she was also still a bit sleepy from her nap). Aww, poor girl! R told her daughter that I'd come over again soon and that they could also come visit me and Paxlet when he's born. 

I loved my afternoon with S (and her mom). She's such an independent, spirited and sweet little girl. But, man oh man, am I exhausted now! I'd love to take a nap, but I think I'll just turn in early this evening in hopes of getting a good night's sleep.

I can only hope that my Paxlet grows up to be such a great kid like her.

p.s. All of the conversations with S are in Finnish as she doesn't speak English.

A day in the country

My great friend R has two homes: one in the country and one in town. During the summer she and her family spend most of their time in the country (an hour away from town). I've wanted to head out there this summer for quite some time, but either the timing just never worked or lately I had been a bit too nervous about my due date coming up to travel too far. But after another Skype video-chat with my family on Sunday and my stepmom and aunt saying that I shouldn't be too concerned with sticking near home until I'm down to a handful of days before the due date, I got the idea back in my head that I could still make the trip to visit R in the near future. So when I woke up early yesterday morning (just after 8) and the sun was shining bright, I impulsively gave R a call and asked if she was in the country and would she want company.

I got myself ready, filled the car up with gas, bought some vanilla sauce (for the dessert she was going to make) and drove myself out to the country side. It was a pleasant drive with the window down and Red Hot Chili Peppers' album Blood Sugar Sex Magik blaring from the speakers. We (Paxlet and I) reached our destination in an hour, just as we should have because Google maps (and R's husband) gave perfect directions. I think Paxlet was excited to be out in the country too, as he wiggled during most of the drive.

After quickly greeting R, I waddled as fast as I could to the outdoors toilet*. LOL. Then, R and I headed inside to get lunch ready. Actually, I just sat there chatting with R and her 3 year old daughter while R did everything. I did help keep R's daughter entertained by reading her a book. Lunch (and dessert) was delicious!!! And most of the food was from their own property: chicken, lettuce, tomatoes, black currents and rhubarb!

After lunch, R and I headed outside to pick some black currants from their bushes. Even though it was sunny and warm out, we were in pants and long sleeve shirts because of the stinging nettles (nokkonen) and mosquitoes (hyttynen). Thankfully the mosquitoes weren't too bad, but we were up to our  armpits and more in stinging nettles. These nasty buggers grow like crazy (although, if you pick them very young, they make a great quiche). The black currants were perfectly ripe, insanely sweet and huge! R attributes this to the "chicken shit and ash" she put on the bushes at the beginning of the spring. She's not sure she wants to try "horse shit", for fear of what might happen then!

When R's daughter came to show us the caterpillar she found, we decided to take a quick break from picking. R's husband brought us some adult water (soda water), as per the daughter's words, to quench our thirst. During this break, R's husband took some cute pictures of us three girls relaxing.

Yes, I'm almost 39 weeks pregnant and R is almost 34 weeks pregnant and we were both out stomping around in the bushes picking berries! It was so relaxing to be picking the berries while chatting away.


I took my camera with me, but never took it out of my bag. I did manage to take one picture with my camera phone though, of their cat Anku. Every time I sat down, he jumped up in my lap for some love or he laid in the rocking chair next to mine and begged for pets. He's such a soft and loving sweetie.

The original plan was to leave the country side around 4pm to head back to town, but the reality was that we didn't leave until around 7pm. R rode with me and R's husband, daughter and cat took their car. On our way back to town, R and I stopped for an ice cream and couldn't help but laugh at ourselves and the sight we must have made: Two very visibly pregnant women grunting as they try to climb out of the car and buy ice cream! We also got some funny looks from the neighbors as we dropped some juice and jam off at a family member's house.

I didn't get home until almost 9pm, very tired, yet very happy. It was an amazing day spent with my friend and her family. It was great to catch up on life, grumble a tiny bit about husbands (even though we both love our guys dearly, sometimes they are frustrating!), compare pregnancy notes, get some advice about labor and delivery (from R's view point and experience), laugh at R's daughter's antics, pick some berries (they were yummy on hot oatmeal this morning) and get some fresh air.

*They don't have an indoor toilet nor running water. All water comes from a neighbor's well until they get their own well drilled.

Sharing the sweetness

The work week is almost over for Mr Siili and I know he'll be happy to have the weekend to rest. We don't have any plans, but I do hope we'll spend some quality one on one time.

I have been watching Taekwon-do in the Olympics the last few days. For the first time, there is a sport in the Olympics that I've participated in and still care about. Although, the Olympics uses World Taekwon-do Federation (WTF) rules and I have practiced under International Taekwon-do Federation (ITF) rules. The main differences, in competition, seem to be that WTF requires more/different padding & protection, no use of hands for punching and they are always screaming! The girly squeals are the most annoying. I have no favorites, it's just interesting to watch.

A friend of mine will be coming over this evening after she gets off work. It'll be nice to see her as I've not seen anyone I know other than Mr Siili for a few days. I really should go food shopping first, though.

As I said at the beginning of the month, I signed up for NaBloPoMo for the first time. I was quite excited because the topic was SWEETS and I love sweet stuff. Only 'problem' is, I haven't written much using these sweet prompts because I've had quite a bit of things I've wanted to say using my own topics and I try not to post more than once a day on most days.

Anyway, today is Friday and as I've not got much to say, I'm going to use the daily prompt because it fits quite well.
Today's NaBloPoMo prompt is:  What was the last piece of candy that you gave someone else?

When my MIL was over last Saturday, she was in the mood for a little something sweet, so I shared my stash with her. Specifically she tried a piece of candy I brought back from Shanghai last fall called White Rabbit. It's a simple milk candy that isn't too sweet and doesn't have much flavor, but it is quite yummy.

No weekly update today.

I didn't write up my weekly pregnancy update while at work today and now our old computer is dead (with lots of photos on it) and so is my laptop. Only Mr Siili's computer is working and he's using it right now. So, update tomorrow from work.
Speaking of work, I only have two days left of work!!! Then starts a few holiday days and then maternity leave. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm excited for the baby to be here. Honestly, I haven't thought that far yet. I'm just so totally thrilled that it is finally my turn to go on leave. I've seen so many co-workers go on leave and come back, that the feeling I have is: finally! After I'm on leave for a bit I'll start getting (more) excited about Paxlets arrival.
Speaking of Paxlets arrival, I hung out with my good friend R, who is five weeks behind me on her second pregnancy. There was also another friend there, who I found out today is 20 weeks along with her second as well. (Their hubbys and kids, plus one MIL was also there.) We took some cute pictures of the three of us pregnant ladies and we all ate way too many crepes (lätty) with fresh strawberries and ice cream.
On some infertility, screwed-up-ness levels, I'm still a tad jealous of seeing them with their little girls and having a second bump too. (Or anyone else fitting that category.) Although, I do have to say, that finally being pregnant myself does take the sting out of it, which I know otherwise would be unbearable to handle if I was still in the trenches. Infertility will never go away.
On another note, seeing the guys with their little ones gives me hope with Mr Siili. He just doesn't seem so interested in this pregnancy. I know every guy and situation is different, but I would really love more  connection and seeming interest from him. I really would love to be able to talk more animatedly and excitedly about things and Paxlet's arrival than what I feel I can/can't now. I am thankful that these thoughts and issues are my biggest concerns, because they aren't so bad, but they do weigh in on my mind.
And with that, it is time for this mind to crawl into bed so I can get up early to write my weekly update before punching in for the day.

My grandmother would be so proud of me

My friends threw me a not-so-surprise baby shower on Sunday June 17th. And let me tell you, it was a great afternoon!! The reason it wasn't a total surprise was that I knew it was going to happen, on the 17th and at 3pm. I had also provided a list of names/emails of the people I would like to invite, but it didn't mean they would all come. Other than that, I had no idea what was going to happen.

Well, 3pm rolled around and no one had showed up yet. Finally a bit after 3 the first person showed up and after there several more arrived. They brought food, laughter, chatter, gifts and themselves! It was so hard to just sit down and let everyone handle the last minute preparations and what not. But it worked out quite well.

I had school friends, co-workers and my MIL with me on this day.

But the reason I think of my grandmother in all of this is that I sent out thank you cards. I didn't just email everyone my thank yous, or only tell them thank you in person the next time I saw, although I have done that too, but I sent real snail mail cards to every single person who joined in on this special day. Growing up, my dad's mom would always send each of us kids a pack of thank you cards along with the gift she sent us. We were always sure to write her a thank you card, if no one else. But this time around, I felt it very important to let my friends know how much I appreciated their efforts towards me, Mr Siili and Paxlet.

So, I made thank you cards and envelopes. They cards and envelopes aren't anything elaborate, but I totally love them and enjoyed myself making them. Everything I used was something I already had on hand. 

The cards (first picture below) are made with postcard sized (store bought) card stock to which I sewed a same size piece of foam onto the card. I just sewed a rectangle all the way around about one and a half centimeters from the edge. I then used a dot (or two) of double sided tape to secure the handmade paper design on the front (made with cookie cutters I own). On the back of the cards I wrote my thank you.

The envelopes were made with handmade paper (top row) or paper that was decorated by myself. I quickly Googled for DIY envelopes to get an idea of something simple and quick, and the bottom picture is what I came up with.

 

Bursting with sheer happiness, literally (part 2)

The below event took place about a month and a half ago, but I never posted it then because I was too lazy and just never got around to finish writing it. Even though this is part two, it actually happened first.

Sunday was the most beautiful weather we've had so far this year. The sun was shining, it was even warm, and there was only a small breeze. Spring is really going to arrive. I texted my friend, R, and asked if she was willing and able to go for a couple of kilometer walk around the lake near her house.

R and I walked and talked about everything under the sun (like always), but mostly about kids (her almost 3 year old) and our pregnancies. You see, she's 5 weeks behind me and I'm totally thrilled that I have a close friend going through this (pregnancy, maternity leave, etc.) with me. I was 'worried' that all my friends would be done having kids and my Paxlet would be the lone little one.

There was just one topic that I was a bit worried about bringing up: a baby shower. That morning in fact, before crawling out of bed I instigated a baby shower chat and cry with Mr Siili. I desperately want a baby shower, I always have. But when I think of my last cousin that had a baby and a shower, all my aunts and stepmom were there in person, my mom too. I will never get to have that. For one, my mom will not ever be able to go to another baby shower, no matter where in the world I am. Also, being half way around the world from family, there is no way we'll all be able to get together for a baby shower to welcome my Paxlet to this world. It's not about the gifts, though they are nice, it's about being with my family to celebrate a much waited for and wanted time in my life.

Since R and I talk about basically everything together, I figured I could talk to her about this topic too. I related the above to her, most of it through tears. Being the friend that R is, she stopped walking, gave me a huge hug and told me, "Heather, I remember you made a comment about wanting a baby shower years ago when we were throwing a shower for another friend. Don't worry, we're planning you a shower, just not yet as it's too early still". I couldn't help but laugh a little and cry some more.

I really do have the best of friends and family. And it really was a beautiful day and the start of spring (even if more snow came after that).

Help! How to break the news to my co-workers?

It's Sunday evening already! Where does the weekend go?
Friday I left work early, to make up for staying late on Thursday and because I wanted to leave early. While waiting to meet up with a friend downtown, I tried on bras. (I'm now at least a 80DD, that one cup and one size bigger, although I think I might still need something bigger.) I found one bra that was ok (in store) and on sale for only 6€, but I didn't buy it. After I met up with my friend, we looked for shoes for her without any success. Then we went to my house to pick up the food I'd made, to the food and liquor store and eventually (only 25min late) to our final destination: another friends house. In all there was 4 of us hanging out, eating, chatting and having a good time. When I got home, I basically crawled straight into bed.

After sleeping almost 11 hours, I woke up, watched the two most recent episodes of American Idol and then scrambled to get ready to brave the freezing temperatures outside to meet some other friends downtown for food. We hung out at a cafe, where I ended up telling them I'm pregnant (none of them have kids, only god-kids and nieces/nephews). Later we went for food and chatted even more. I had a yummy Bacon & BBQ burger with sweet potato fries. Yum!

Today, Mr Siili and I walked to the food stores and back, in slightly less freezing weather than we've been having the rest of this week. It was colder coming home because the wind was against us. When we got home, I finished watching Vampire Diaries (one of my silly vices, I know!) and then decided to vacuum. I vacuumed half of our place and then did the dishes, but by the time I was mostly done with the dishes, my abdomen area was hurting enough that I couldn't stand up straight without it hurting. The living room remains unvacuumed. I think walking to the stores and then vacuuming was too much for me. *sigh*

Finland had second and final round of voting for a new president. We'll find out tonight or tomorrow the latest who our new President is. The last 12 years (2 terms) Finland has had a female President: Tarja Halonen. She was the first female president and it was pretty cool to be here when she was elected into office the first time around. I was a bad Finn (just like I'm a bad American) and didn't vote. (Neither did Mr Siili.)

Help! How does one go about telling their coworkers they are pregnant?
I told my team leader (immediate boss aka EK) this afternoon that I am pregnant. My former team leader and big boss already know and have known almost as long as I have. Whether that was smart or not, who knows, but they know a fair share of my journey and have been totally supportive of me. Anywho, the reason for telling EK "already" is that she sent an email out on Friday asking if we had any input about her training plans for the new people that are joining us this next week. I thought I'd let her know I was pregnant now, not that it affects the training plans so much now, but in the near-ish future and just in case someone would need to be hired to cover for me when I go on maternity leave.

Our 12 week scan is on Tuesday and then we have a team meeting on Friday. I was thinking of telling everyone then. As I figured everyone would be in the same place at once. I'd be able to do it and get it over with. But when I told Mr Siili these thoughts, he reacted quite badly. He asked if I was trying to be a drama queen and was that really the time and place to let people know. He asked if wouldn't it be better to just tell during a coffee break? My reply was that not everyone goes to coffee breaks at the same time and I don't want some to know and others not. Not that I really feel the need to tell all of them anyway, but...I'd rather have it out in the open so I don't have to be concerned with saying or not saying anything. Mr Siili's other suggestion was to just wait and let my growing tummy (not that you can really see anything yet) tell for itself.

Ugh! I'm almost thinking of just not telling anyone or maybe the random person and letting it get leaked out like a rumour. Hahahaha! Thoughts anyone?

A walk, pulla and more!

Today has been a good day! In fact the entire weekend has been nice. I love feeling happy, well and well, just overall good.

Yesterday Mr Siili and I walked to the local shopping center. Mr Siili needed his hair cut (I love how he looks with freshly cut hair), I needed some yeast infection medicine (out with progesterone and in with yeast), we told our sister in law (Mr Siili's brother's wife) that I'm pregnant and we bought a bit of food. I ended up taking a 2,5 hour nap in the afternoon. It was a good, lazy day.

Today, I went for a 1 hour and 45 minute walk with a good friend. It was at least -10C outside, sunny and only the tiniest bit of a breeze. Our destination was a little cafe in the woods where forest walkers and skiers alike stop by there for a warming cup of coffee/juice/hot chocolate. It felt so good to be outside and get some fresh air. Although, I'm wondering now if I might have strained my stomach muscles (round ligament pain early?) a bit. My tummy, just below my belly button and spreading out to the sides, is a bit sore when I gently rub it.

After the walk I was so starved that I was feeling a bit sick. I am so thankful we had left overs in the fridge so all I had to do was heat them up. After eating, I still felt a bit off for a while afterward, but that has passed.

During the walk, I told my friend that I've just been too lazy to do much of anything, but that I've been wanting to make Pulla (Finnish sweat bread) for some time. I told her I was going to make it when I got home, because I didn't do it yesterday. She laughed at me and said I would probably just lay on the couch and fall asleep. Which, could have happened, but I don't really like our couch and I didn't let myself get too comfy when I got home. And I made pulla and korvapuusti (cinnamon buns)!!! This batch of pulla and korvapuusti has got to be the bestest I've ever made. They are so fluffy, moist and just all around freakin' delicious! Especially when they are right out of the oven. I've eaten way too many, but I couldn't help myself. I'll probably regret eating so many in a bit. hahahaha

Any who, here's the recipe for Finnish Pulla

Ingredients

• 2.11 cups milk (luke warm)
• 1 egg
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 Tablespoon cardamom (or less to taste)
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 2 (.38 ounce) package active dry yeast (11g)
• 5 1/2 - 6 1/3 cups all-purpose flour
• 2/2 - 7/8 cup butter, room temperature
• 1 egg, beaten (egg wash)
• pearl sugar

Directions

1. Warm the milk in a small saucepan or microwave until 107F (42C). (generously hand warmth temperature) Mix the egg, sugar, cardamom and salt into the milk.
2. Mix some of the flour with the yeast and whisk it into the milk mixture. 
3. Slowly mix in the rest of the flour and towards the end of the flour, add in the room temperature butter. Kneed the dough until it is even smooth and elastic; the dough should be smooth and glossy in appearance.
4. Cover the bowl with a lid or towel and and let the dough rise in a warm place until doubled in bulk, about 40 min - 1 hour. 
5. Turn the dough out on to a floured surface and kneed out the air bubbles. Depending on what you want to make, determines how you proceed next. 
• If you just want pulla (sweet buns), take small/medium (3 inches) pieces of dough and roll them into a ball, then place on a baking paper covered baking sheet.
• If you want korvapuusti (cinnamon buns), divide the dough in half and put one half back in the bowl for a bit. Roll the dough out to a rectangle about 1 foot by 2 feet. Spread some room temperature butter (about 1/2 cup total for all the dough) over the rolled out dough. Sprinkle some sugar and cinnamon on top. Roll the dough into a log with the seam on the bottom. Cut the dough at alternating angles so the thinnest part is about 2cm and the thickest part is about 5cm. The put the wide part on the pan and press two fingers in the center of the top part all the way to the pan (it springs back).
6. Let rise for 20 minutes. (or not) (The 2nd & 3rd pans will rise while the first is baking.)
7. Brush each bun/korvapuusti with egg wash and sprinkle with pearl sugar.
8. Bake at 437 degrees F (225 degrees C) for 10 to 15 minutes. Check occasionally because the bottom burns easily. 

Just Heather's Notes: If possible, don't use all of the flour it calls for. I try to use the lower amount first and if needed, I add a bit more. The dough shouldn't stick to your hands when it is ready.
You can also make half and half of the pulla and korvapuusti, like I did tonight. You can also make braided loafs, but I'm usually to lazy for that.

I hope you enjoy some fresh pulla, I know I do!

Possibility

Today has been a good day. I didn't quite think it would go that way because our cats kept waking us up throughout most of the night. They ran, they chased, they whined, they puked and they ran and whined some more. I was exhausted by the time my alarm went off this morning. But, I got up, took a shower and headed to my friend's house like planned. *warning - pregnancy talked about in the 3rd and 6th paragraphs down*

I had begged and bribed said friend to go to lunch with me as I had a coupon for lunch that expired next week. But she had already promised to make gingerbread cookies with her daughter, so I was invited to help and then we'd go to lunch after that.

My friend's daughter is so adorable! She's 2,5 years old and just as cute and sweet as can be. She also thinks I'm pretty cool. This little girl spent an hour to an hour and a half rolling out her ball of cookie dough, making cookies, scrunching the dough up and then repeating the process all over again. She also ate half her ball of cookie dough (~1/4 to 1/3 cup) during this time! lol. When I got bored of making cookies (yes, I got bored before the little girl) I just hung out and chatted with everyone. When the girl got done making cookies, she asked to help her put her new puzzle together (by way of her mom suggesting it). After the girl put 2-3 pieces together, she just told me to do it myself. lol.

It was around this time that the mom was taking pictures of the little girl. So I figured I'd show her some of my recent pictures. *grin* I handed her my phone and with some xmas decorations showing and told her to just scroll to the right to see more. After about 4 or 5 pictures came up the 3rd pregnancy test I took yesterday. M friend froze and then asked "What's this? What is it? Is it...?" and then she turned to me and whispered "Are you pregnant?". All I could do was smile (grin?) and nod. She started crying, which made me cry! lol. She was so ecstatic, which made me very happy. This friend has been there for me during all of this and more. She also told me early on in her pregnancy with her girl in hopes of making it a bit less harder for me to hear. (I'm forever thankful for that.) The rest of the afternoon she's just get this grin on her face and whisper "you're pregnant!". I'm truly glad so many others are this excited for me while I am trying to find my own excitement.

Then it was lunch time for the girl. She got a bit whiny (not that bad at all) because she hadn't taken a nap the day before (yes, the effect accumulates, I was informed). As the girl was waiting for her mom to bring her drink, she was just fussing and being tired. So, I sat with her and started feeding her. She can feed herself, but this seemed to make her happy and not whiny. Her mom just laughed when she walked back in the room. I ended up feeding the entire bowl of food to the girl. lol

After lunch, it was time for us all to get dressed and head downtown. The girl wanted me, not her mom, to help her put her clothes on. I told her she had to help me because I didn't know what to do. So, she laid on the floor with her feet up in the air for me to put her stockings on. After that, I tried putting her hat on backwards, her shoes on her feet and so on. She got pretty silly and wasn't so helpful, so I told her that I couldn't help her any more and it was time for me to put my own shoes on. I got one of my own boots on when she was serious enough to help me help her to get dressed. But not before she fully trusted me to catch her as she fell back on me, repeatedly. lol. This girl is so sweet! Did I mention how much she likes me? *beams proudly*

Two days ago, this wonderful and fun afternoon with my friend and her daughter would have left my heart aching for the possibility of what could be if only I had a child of my own. And now, knowing that I have something growing inside of me, there IS a definitely possibility of these events happening for me with my own child. (Don't get me wrong, I know anything can happen between now and 9 months, but I'm not going to worry or bother about that for as much as I can.)

The song below, Possibility by Lykke Li, has been in my head the last several days. I was listening to it at work earlier this week and I copied the words into a post for later. It didn't sit there for long waiting to be talked about, because I just can't get it out of my head. This is a beautiful and hauntingly sad song. I love it. The words, melody and voice just speak to me so deeply right now. 

Lykke Li - Possibility


There's a possibility
There's a possibility
All that I had was all I'm gonna get
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

There's a possibility
There's a possibility
All I gonna get is gone with your step
All I gonna get is gone with your stare

So tell me when you hear my heart stop
You're the only one that knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There's a possibility I wouldn't know
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Know that when you leave
Know that when you leave
By blood and by me, you walk like a thief,
By blood and by me, and I fall when you leave

So tell me when you hear my heart stop
You're the only one that knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There's a possibility I wouldn't know

So tell me when my sigh is over
You're the reason why I'm closed
Tell me when you hear me falling
There's a possibility it wouldn't show
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

By blood and by me, and I'll fall when you leave.
By blood and by me, I follow your lead.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Eleven eleven eleven

For this date which we will only see once in our lives, I asked my girlfriends over for the evening. And what an evening it turned out to be! We ate, shared stories, laughed, drank a bit, cried, hugged, reminisced, hoped for a brighter future and laughed some more. I am so thankful for my friends and the evening we shared. It is a moment in time that won't happen again, yet it is something that will be with us for a very long time. It was a cathartic evening and exactly what I needed.

Brunch with my girl friends

Lately, I've been having a rough time with life, missing my mom and how long it is taking to get pregnant. You can see some of this in two of my recent posts: here and a little bit here. About a week ago, I decided I couldn't handle keeping all of my thoughts and emotions to myself (and Mr Siili) anymore. I am a social person and I haven't been talking much or sharing much with my girl friends. Sure, I've told them about the good times and the happy times and a little bit about my sad times, but not nearly enough of it all. So, I sent an email to my closest 4 girl friends and asked if they had time to meet up sometime in the near future. Lo and behold, we (4 out of 5 of us) managed a Sunday brunch get-together in under a week!! I sent the first email Tuesday night at 10:51pm and today we met. That almost never happens! I feel much better after today's gab session, even if we did cry a bit.

We enjoyed an amazing buffet brunch with the sun shining on us.The food was plentiful and yummy. I had 2 huge plates of food (fruits galore, meat, mashed & wedged potatoes, mushrooms, olives, shrimp, crawdads, sun-dried tomatoes, etc) and a slice of cheese cake and carrot cake for dessert. (It's now 8pm and I'm still not really hungry.) While we ate and for a while after, we caught up on each others' lives. All the good stuff, first. Before I could get my courage up and truly say what I needed to say, one friend had to leave, as she lives in another town. I was very glad that she joined us, but I'll have to talk with her more at a later date!

Then when it was just the 3 of us, the talk turned to a bit more serious note. That's when I felt it was time to let them know how I've really been feeling lately. I told them that I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I need my friends and I need my friends to be there for me, as I want to be there for them. My friends are my (chosen) family, especially when my blood family is half a world away.

These two friends of mine not only listened to what I was saying, but they understood what I was trying to get across! It wasn't just me pouring out my heart ache and sorrow and a bit of happiness too, but they shared their aches and pains also. It went to show, like it has been coming more apparent to me lately, that we as humans all have these burdens that we either feel aren't worth it to share with others or we don't want to make our burden someone else's burden. Some of the things my friends shared just broke my heart, but I am better for knowing that they put enough trust in me and our friendship to share. I also feel lighter for having shared my own sorrows. I truly hope we can continue in this vein and call on each other when we need it most.

Today was a perfect autumn day: a chill in the air, sun, friends, food and chat.

Thursday Thoughts

Lots of little things to blether about today.

- Steve Jobs died last night. While I didn't know him and I don't own any Apple products, it is sad. I am especially sad for Mel's son Wolvog, as I know Steve Jobs was his hero.

- I bought some blackberries, raspberries, blueberries and a pomegranate today.

- I told my team leader at work that if this cycle doesn't work out, I'd be doing another round of IVF and most likely need week 50 off. And even if it can't be worked out for me to officially take the last week of my summer holiday, I'd be taking that week off against my own hours, with a doctor's note. (Legal to be off work with the dr's note, but work doesn't have to pay me.) I also told her how I'm having a hard time right now, with my mom's death and IF all mixed into one big ugly thing. I cried a bit and she hugged me. I like my team leader and I'm sad she'll be another team's leader for some time.

- Today I bought Red Hot Chili Peppers' newest album "I'm With You". I ♥ RHCP!!

- I started using progesterone capsules last night and sheesh, they are messy! Either that or I'm not inserting them correctly. I've previously used a synthetic progesterone called Lugesterone. It had a capsule-shell and made insertion a bit easier, but I was allergic to it and the white creamy stuff that leaked out of me was hideous! At least now it is mostly just wet..but way too much! I hope it'll get better as time goes on. LOL, yeah, right!

- I grumped at Mr Siili a bit when I got home because he didn't get off the computer to come greet me. I'm sometimes jealous of the time he spends on his computer games.

- I talked to my dad this evening. He was sitting in the woods, with his brother and a friend waiting for the deer to walk by so they could shoot one (several?) and go home. I wish him luck and safety! I also told him how much I've been missing my mom lately. I love my dad!

- I also talked to my sister this evening. She got a bit upset when I tried to be the big sister and be concerned about her getting a job and being able to pay her bills. I told her I care about her and I worry about her. I just want the best for her and I know she can do more, if she wants to. We both miss our mom. We also tried talking via Skype on both of our phones, it worked! I hope we'll chat more often, for free! I love my sister.

- I tried calling my brother, but he must be at work. I worry about him too. I love my brother.

- I didn't call my youngest brother, as he's probably in school. Nor did I try to call my stepmom. I not entirely sure she really meant that the past was the past and that she isn't mad/upset at me anymore. I'm not mad at her, I just want to talk to her. I love them too.

- Today was an ok day and tomorrow is Friday!!

- I'm going to meet up with some girl friends on Sunday for brunch downtown. I really need the girl-time. I'm also going to let them know how rough things have been for me lately. I'll take plenty of tissues for all of us.


Thanks for reading my blethering.

One of those moments

A light bulb over the head moment. An 'Aha' moment. An epiphany moment. Whatever you want to call it, I had one of those moments this evening.

My moment was the realization that I have been quite unfair to some of my friends. Two in particular. Especially during the last few years as I've been going through this maze of infertility, treatments and BFNs each month, the times when I've been feeling alone, woe is me, none of my friends know what I'm going through, so on and so forth. Tonight, I realized that is not true. My friends have been going through their own version of IF. While it isn't anything like what I'm going through, they are going through secondary IF also!

One friend has an almost 7yo boy. (When she was pregnant with him, that started my baby craze!) She has been trying ever since to have another child. She has been pregnant two more times, but both ended in mc. The other friend has an almost 2yo old girl. This little girl is a miracle. The doctors told my friend it wasn't a viable pregnancy (on multiple dr visits), gave her the prescription to end it but she didn't. She has also found out since that because of her migraines and other hormone issues, that she is very lucky her pregnancy went full term with a healthy baby.

So, while these two have a child in their life, they too are experiencing IF. That is what I didn't see. That is what just clicked and was my 'moment' tonight. We are all on the same side of different coins. They may never fully understand exactly what I am going through and I can't possibly understand their situation either, but we are all desperately wanting a(nother) child.

I am now off to share this moment with my two friends via email, because 1. it is too late to call and 2. I am such an emotional wreck tonight that I wouldn't be able to get the words out of my mouth without breaking down into huge sobs.

Two more sleeps until I officially test.

p.s. What do the numbers (#8, #44, etc) mean for ICLW comments?
p.p.s. edited to add some clarification: I've known the whole time that my friends have been TTC. It just never clicked in my mind and processed as it did last night. Even though they have a child, they are now having troubles with conceiving a 2nd child. I was narrowly seeing IF (albeit secondary IF, even for me) as "not having a kid at all".

May's ICLW

This is my first time participating in the International Comment Leaving Week (ICLW). I found Stirrup Queens' blog and everything that is attached to it about a month ago and it has been great! I am so glad I found this online community. It has been such a relief and comfort to finally find so many others out there like me. Before I found Stirrup Queens I was really feeling low and like there wasn't anyone out there like me. I know that isn't so, but when you don't know anyone who is truly going through what you are going through, this is such a lonely path. I have belonged to other online communities before (iVillage.com, for example), but have since left them for one reason or another. This community though, I feel it has so much to offer me right now and I hope to stay put.

I just recently shared condensed blog post about my TTC timeline and you can find the longer version from the tabs at the top. So I won't go into that in this post. But, while out fulfilling my ICLW duties today tonight, I did see someone had posted some confessions about themselves and I liked it, so I'm going to copy her.

Some confessions of me:
- I really enjoy getting to the end of a product, such as finishing a whole tube of chapstick, using a pen until it is gone, using the last of the dental floss.

- I collect my cat's whiskers when I find them laying around. I never pluck them from the cat!

- I am American by birth and Finnish by application/naturalization.

- I don't really miss living in the USA, but I do miss my family some. I just wish they'd contact me more instead of me being the one to initiate calls and such.

- I love my husband dearly and I will spend my life with him, but I'm not sure if he is my best friend. And I feel guilty about that sometimes.

- For years, I would collect my used contact lenses in a little jar thinking that I would turn it into an art project called "lost vision". I just recently threw it away and then this weekend when I was at the Night of the Museums, I realized that my 'vision' wasn't so far out there.

- I never really knew what I wanted to be when I grew up (I still don't). I started out college with art classes, but I never really felt that I was an artist, but more of a crafts type of person. I ended up getting a degree in International Business. I don't see myself as a business person either. How much farther can you get from one ends of the job spectrum to the other?

- I've won gold in a Taekwon-do competition for my belt level & weight class.

- I love love love reading. Especially Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series, vampires and other horror (not scary stuff though) sci-fi, fantasy and fiction. But I must read books in order. Nothing drives me more crazy than reading books out of order.

- I am easily annoyed, just ask my husband. LOL (edited to add some examples of what annoys me: repetitious noises (ping ping of the computer each time someone in the office does something or the damn baby seagulls on the building roof next to us going "peep peep peep peep peep peep" 24/7), someone chewing their gum like a cow, etc)

Name change

 I did it! I've changed the name of my blog from 'life in finland - elämä suomessa' to 'BattleFish'. I've been thinking about this for quite some time and even more so the last few days. The previous name just wasn't me. It never really felt right, nor did it encompass what I wanted. Yes, I'm still living in Finland and I don't see that changing (ever), but my life and what I am blogging is more than just being in Finland. Lately most of my posts have to do with my husband's and my journey TTC #1 (from my view point of course). But I also blather about my friends, family, daily events, thoughts, feelings, Finland and really, just whatever is happening in my world and head at the time.

This new name has a lot more meaning to it on several levels. First, BattleFish is a nickname my husband calls me sometimes. Especially when I'm in a contrary and bratty mood. He'll usually call me this when my bad-moodedness (new word) is not fully serious, but yet nothing he says or does is right and I just want to pick a fight or at least bicker. Hubby can tell me I'm being a BattleFish and it will most likely make me smile and then make it hard for me to continue on in the same manner., especially when I know I'm being a bratty. Now, if I'm truly in a fowl mood, this will only anger me more. Secondly, when I started thinking of the word(s) BattleFish, I am battling. I'm battling to get pregnant, battling to start a family, battling to keep my sanity, battling to just be me and to be happy with it. Thirdly, I quite like the name. It's cute, but not in a girly way.


The only thing I'm not quite sure I like with this new look is the background design and color. It might change in the next few days.

And on to other stuff...
This morning (afternoon), when hubby and I woke up, we laid in bed for a while discussing our cat game that we are designing. This game has been something that we've been discussing and designing for some several years now. I do hope we'll finish it someday and actually publish it.

Once we got out of bed, we went to look where our house (duplex) complex is going to be built. Right now, it is just a roughly leveled area of land. It was hubby's first time seeing it. Yes, we signed papers for the place before hubby even went to see where it was going to be built. He knew the area, but just not what it exactly looked like. He said the area for the complex is small and possibly cramped. :( It does sort of look that way, but I am confident it will be ok. In any case, it will be ours and we'll only share one very well insulated wall with someone.

Today is 4dpFET. I'm still taking Zu.menon (estradiol hemihydrate) and Lu.gesteron (pro.gesterone) 3 times a day. The pills don't bother me, but sometimes I just really can't stand the suppositories. (Do you think it makes a huge difference if I "forget" a suppository every once in a great while, just to give my lady bits a break?) I don't seem to have any of the side effects people talk about. I admit, I had to google what sort of side effects are common, as I really just don't feel anything at the moment. No sore boobs, no bloating, no more irritation or irritability than normal. For good or bad, I just feel like me.

To finish this post and evening off, hubby and I are watching the Finnish-Swedish world hockey championship. Go Finland!!!