Life sure is different

Gone are the days when I can sit in front of the computer and play away all day. Well, that isn't totally true, I can still sit in front of the computer, it's just much harder to post on my own blog and leave comments on other people's blogs. I do read everyone's posts from my phone in the middle of the night while breast feeding, it's just much more difficult to reply. I hope to someday go back and leave a comment on at least some of the posts.

As I said, life is different and I am loving it. Well, except for maybe the 2,5 hours in the middle of the night when Paxlet is fussy and hungry and won't go back to sleep. Thankfully we can stay in bed after Mr Siili leaves for work for the day and catch up on some of our sleep.

I'm in the process of writing up our birth story, but it is taking quite some time as most of the time it is being written one-handed. Thinking of you all!

In the 1WW and some candid thoughts

So, uhm, yeah, next week on Friday morning, I get to POAS if AF hasn't already shown up. I guess we'll see what happens, won't we?

At this point in time, I'm feeling totally indifferent to it all. I'm not excited about the possibility of being pregnant, if anything I'm sort of dreading it. I know! Who would have thunk, that after almost 3,5 years of trying to get pregnant, that I'd dread getting pregnant? I have my reasons though and I'm going to share them with you.

First off, I've been thinking about it for some time now that maybe we/I should take a break from TTC. I mean, it has been almost 3,5 years, with close to 2 of those years adding hormones to my body. Also, once we've gone through our 3 rounds of IVF and any FETs at the public clinic, I'm done. If we wanted to continue with fertility treatments, we'd need to go through a private clinic. I'm not sure Mr Siili will agree to that. I'm afraid he'll say we have tried what we can and if 3 rounds, what more can be done? I'm also afraid he won't be willing to shell out the added cash any more.

Also, I worry at times that maybe Mr Siili and I just won't make a good family. We argue over the stupidest of stuff. Thankfully not too often. But many of our heated discussions are over the same exact things that we've been discussing for years on end. We just don't seem to know how to resolve them. Mr Siili doesn't want to go to counseling and I'm too chicken and lazy to go on my own. I'm also not sure if Mr Siili really wants to be a dad. Sure, if it happens he'd step up to the plate and be a great dad, most of the time. But then there are those times that worry me a bit.

More recently, finances. We're in the process of talking to banks to see if we can get a loan for our new place. A loan that will own us for the next 23-25 years! And right now, we're operating off of one income, some unemployment and some savings, but savings only go so far. Especially with a loan looming. I also haven't been the bestest about finances and making a financial plan. That's not to say that I've been totally horrible either, just not as good and efficient as I should be. Yes, I know I work in the finance department at my work, but I work in a specific area and with specific tasks. Yes, I also know I went to Int'l Business School, but a lot of what they taught us there was crap and not always useful in the day to day world. Sad, but true.

Along this finance line of thought, Mr Siili is concerned that I'm trying to make my decision to stop TTC for a while a "financial decision", which he says it isn't. We aren't trying to get pregnant for the sake of saving money or to gain money. Money is just money and it is something we need to live, but at the same time it shouldn't stop us from living life (to an extent).

To tie all of these thoughts and concerns together, I've been trying to come to terms with the fact that I may never become a mom. (No, I don't think adoption is an option for us.) This scares the crap out of me. I'm not ready to think this or admit this might be a possibility, but I really do think I need to start thinking about it. Right this instant, I don't feel as if I could live a fulfilled life without a kid and that's a pretty bad place to be. So, in trying not to get my hopes up or let my hopes down, I'm indifferent. I'd also like to know whether or not I need to continue leaking progesterone from my lady bits on a daily basis or not. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'll be elated (and worried) if I do get a BFP next week.

Name change

 I did it! I've changed the name of my blog from 'life in finland - elämä suomessa' to 'BattleFish'. I've been thinking about this for quite some time and even more so the last few days. The previous name just wasn't me. It never really felt right, nor did it encompass what I wanted. Yes, I'm still living in Finland and I don't see that changing (ever), but my life and what I am blogging is more than just being in Finland. Lately most of my posts have to do with my husband's and my journey TTC #1 (from my view point of course). But I also blather about my friends, family, daily events, thoughts, feelings, Finland and really, just whatever is happening in my world and head at the time.

This new name has a lot more meaning to it on several levels. First, BattleFish is a nickname my husband calls me sometimes. Especially when I'm in a contrary and bratty mood. He'll usually call me this when my bad-moodedness (new word) is not fully serious, but yet nothing he says or does is right and I just want to pick a fight or at least bicker. Hubby can tell me I'm being a BattleFish and it will most likely make me smile and then make it hard for me to continue on in the same manner., especially when I know I'm being a bratty. Now, if I'm truly in a fowl mood, this will only anger me more. Secondly, when I started thinking of the word(s) BattleFish, I am battling. I'm battling to get pregnant, battling to start a family, battling to keep my sanity, battling to just be me and to be happy with it. Thirdly, I quite like the name. It's cute, but not in a girly way.


The only thing I'm not quite sure I like with this new look is the background design and color. It might change in the next few days.

And on to other stuff...
This morning (afternoon), when hubby and I woke up, we laid in bed for a while discussing our cat game that we are designing. This game has been something that we've been discussing and designing for some several years now. I do hope we'll finish it someday and actually publish it.

Once we got out of bed, we went to look where our house (duplex) complex is going to be built. Right now, it is just a roughly leveled area of land. It was hubby's first time seeing it. Yes, we signed papers for the place before hubby even went to see where it was going to be built. He knew the area, but just not what it exactly looked like. He said the area for the complex is small and possibly cramped. :( It does sort of look that way, but I am confident it will be ok. In any case, it will be ours and we'll only share one very well insulated wall with someone.

Today is 4dpFET. I'm still taking Zu.menon (estradiol hemihydrate) and Lu.gesteron (pro.gesterone) 3 times a day. The pills don't bother me, but sometimes I just really can't stand the suppositories. (Do you think it makes a huge difference if I "forget" a suppository every once in a great while, just to give my lady bits a break?) I don't seem to have any of the side effects people talk about. I admit, I had to google what sort of side effects are common, as I really just don't feel anything at the moment. No sore boobs, no bloating, no more irritation or irritability than normal. For good or bad, I just feel like me.

To finish this post and evening off, hubby and I are watching the Finnish-Swedish world hockey championship. Go Finland!!!