Now that that's finally over, we can get back to normalcy

Finally, xmas and all this 'merry making' is done and over with. This year's christmas has just left me in a bad mood. I can't quite pinpoint what it is that affected me so, but I'm just feeling bleh and a bit BattleFish-y. I could make all sorts of excuses as to why I'm not in the cheeriest of moods, such as:
I didn't get any candy for xmas,
We were horrible first time parents and didn't take any "baby's first xmas" photos,
I'm missing my mom,
I only got a couple of gifts,
We left our cats at home for the night so that there wasn't dog drama,
Mr Siili and I argued more than I'd like (over mostly stupid crap) and
the whole trip to the in-laws was rushed and stressful.

But really, those are just sorry excuses, well, all except for missing my mom. What I really should be thinking and remember is the following:
I have the happy and healthy baby I've been wanting for years!,
My dad and sister visiting earlier this month was a wonderful early xmas gift. Not to mention the brand new laptop and other items they brought for Paxlet and I,
I have my health,
I have a great husband (most of the time),
We spent time at my in-laws, who made wonderful xmas food and even sent some of it home with us, including candies, brie and blue cheese!,
Paxlet inched his way across the bed by himself for the first time (butt up in the air and then pushed himself forward, face down leaving a "snail slime trail") and
I Skyped with my entire family in the US this evening.

Tomorrow's just another day and for that I'm very thankful. I hope everyone has enjoyed their holidays, whatever it is you celebrate. I'm just read to go back to my normal everyday life, starting right now, by going to bed.

Paxlet and Momma points

I saw this image on a blog the other day and thought is SO very perfect right now. My boobs have always been on the large side, but now, they are even huge-r (yes, my own word) with milk.

Below are some bulleted things that have been going through my mind since Paxlet has been born.

Paxlet
-He is so darned cute! Yes, I'm very biased.

-We're quite sure we have Paxlet's aka BabyBoy's proper name chosen. We'll announce it to family in two weekends from now when he's a month old. I won't  be announcing it on here (not ever? at least not for now), but after our families know, I can tell people who want to know via email (jsthtr at gmail dot com).

-Paxlet loves boob and he's a great eater. It definitely shows in his weight gain.
Birth: 3610g (7,9 lbs)
Leaving hospital 3 days later: 3400g
One week old: 3570g
Two weeks one day: 3980g (8,7 lbs)

-Also, if I take too long getting said boob to him when he is hungry, as soon as he sees the boob coming for him, he gets very excited and starts waving his hands around. On the flip side, when he's had enough to eat he starts playing with my boobs. I believe Mr Siili is jealous of this.

-In the beginning (AS IF we are that far away from the beginning already), Paxlet absolutely hated his diaper being changed, now it isn't always so bad. I don't blame him really. One moment you're happily dressed and warm, the next your clothes are being torn off you and leaving you buck naked and cold!

-This BabyBoy likes looking at his momma. And his momma likes looking at him.

-Paxlet doesn't like laying down by himself. Again, this is something that is improving with time.

-We gave Paxlet his first bath at two weeks old. He seemed ok with it, but mostly just confused and not sure what to think of it. He seemed to enjoy taking a shower with me, a couple of days later, much more.

-The easiest way to get BabyBoy to fall asleep and stay asleep (esp at home) is to put him in his Snugli and walk around a bit. Once he's asleep, I can take it off and put him in his sitter-chair. He also sleeps very well when we go anywhere with the stroller. In fact, today he slept for 2 hours in the stroll while we went to the store and then he slept another 1,5 hours just in the stroller while it sat on the back porch.

Momma
-Mr Siili has always referred to me as Momma to the cats and so that is how I've started referring to myself with BabyBoy. I have no idea what I would like him to call me once he starts talking. Mom? Mommy? Mother? By name? (It's how I always called my Dad and Mom.)

-Did I mention how much I love my little boy? He's definitely filled a hole that was in my heart.

-So far, BabyBoy isn't much of a crier.

-I don't like the nights when he is awake for 2 to 2,5 hour feeds and/or just general awake-ness in the middle of the night. Thankfully he doesn't do it every night and I can usually get some of that sleep back in the morning with BabyBoy sleeping on my chest.

-I'm not quite getting the help I need or want from Mr Siili. It is frustrating to say the least and has had me in tears several times already. Sometimes I think it might be easier being a single parent, just because then I would know what needs to be done and when it would get done (if at all) because I would be the one 100% responsible for it. I can only hope that as time goes on, things will get better. In the mean time, I'm trying to hold my tongue and do what I need to do to make me happy.

-I love being able to see over my tummy again and being able to bend over and dry my lower legs and ankles easily. I also love being able to shave/trim my lady bits. Being "big" and awkward for the end of the pregnancy made me wonder how much over weight people manage? Not being able to bend at the waist or see the lower half of your body? I will do everything in my power to not ever let myself get like that.

-While Mr Siili and Paxlet love my big boobs, I don't! Don't get me wrong, I love that I can feed my baby, but I just don't like having big boobs. It just feels like they are swinging around as I walk or always in the way.

-My stitches have finally dissolved! Now I just wish the bleeding would go away. Ugh! I hate bleeding.

-In other post-preganncy news, I'm wearing a pair of my regular pre-pregnancy jeans and corduroy pants. Albeit, they are pants that needed a belt to be used with them, if I didn't want to be constantly pulling them up, and they will be needing a belt again soon. Thirteen of the 22 kilos that I gained during pregnancy have already disappeared!! I'm now only 9 kilos heavier than when I got pregnant. I'm liking this! Although, I do feel a bit fat at times. I blame it on the hormones for making me irrational.

Waiting game

I feel as if my next words are going to sound ungrateful, but they are how I feel right now: I am so sick of being pregnant!

Don't get me wrong, I have thoroughly enjoyed this pregnancy. I have savored each and every moment of what has been happening to my body. I couldn't wait to have an actual bump (and not just flab), I impatiently waited to feel Paxlet moving, I've enjoyed reaching the 2nd and 3rd trimesters and I've even enjoyed the 'growing pains' that have accompanied the expanding hips and mid-section. I've been extremely lucky and had only one itty bit of spotting very early on, no nausea to really speak of, no health concerns or pregnancy concerns and not even gestational diabetes. This pregnancy has been text book perfect, in my opinion.

That is, I have thoroughly enjoyed this pregnancy, up until a few days ago. After arriving at the 40 week marker, I have found myself slowly getting fed up and frustrated with being pregnant. I just want Paxlet out! I want to meet my little guy! I know that it is 40 weeks, plus or minus two weeks, and that the due date the doctors give us is an estimated date, but I am so over it.

Each day that I wake up and feel no symptoms of impending delivery, I just feel myself getting a bit more anxious and unsettled, not to mention uncomfortable. It is getting hard to sleep comfortably at night and to get out of bed to go pee. It's not very nice to walk to the bus to take it downtown, but it isn't so nice to get in and out of the car, or driving, either. I'm definitely walking waddling much more slowly. I hate sweating, even when I just walk out to the car! Maybe all of these things have been happening for some time, but I'm only just now noticing them in a negative light because I want to be done with this part of the journey.

I'm tired of text messages, phone calls, FB messages and emails asking "How are you doing?" and "How are you feeling?" meaning they want to know if I'm still in one piece or have I given birth yet? I love my friends, but am a bit put off that they have asked for me to send a text message when we're heading to the hospital. They never did that to me when they went into labor. (Yes, I'm bitching, as Mr Siili puts it.) I appreciate that everyone is waiting for our little one to come into this world. They can't be half as excited and anxious as I am (and possibly Mr Siili). I will let the world know when Paxlet decides to grace us with his presence.

I'm sick of spending so much time at home and mostly alone. I know during the week that Mr Siili is working (thank goodness), but my own company is getting boring. There is only so much in the way of conversation that I can have with Rusty and Mansi. I know there are things I can do and should do around the house that would definitely help to pass the time,but I just can't be bothered to get up off my butt and do them. At the same time, I don't want to wander too far from home, because, well, you know...just in case.

I know Paxlet will come when he is good and ready. Unless it is getting closer to 42 weeks, then the hospital notify me to come in and start inducing me.

I'm just tired of this "waiting game".

Look what I got yesterday!

My co-workers are the greatest!! This is what they gave me (and another one like it, with different colors, to our co-worker who is just as pregnant as me) yesterday.

~ * ^ * ~

I've worked at this company for just over 4 years and I still like what I do and who I work with! Our team has a good working atmosphere and we all seem to get along quite well. Lots of joking, helping one another out and chatting all around. Sure there has been the occasional person that has bugged me more than normal, but that has been few and far and inbetween.

~ * ^ * ~

There was a meeting that me and the other pregnant lady weren't invited to yesterday. I hadn't really noticed that our section of the floor had cleared out and was very quite, but one of our team mates stopped by my desk with the other pregnant girl and told me there was a meeting right then. *Strange* I told her I wasn't notified of it and that I was busy doing stuff. She got a bit flustered and said I had to come to the meeting. I lightly huffed and said I'd join, but first I had to make a pit stop in the bathroom. The other pregnant girl agreed and made a pit stop too. *Strange* We were the last two up to the meeting room and everyone was waiting outside the door. As we walked up to the group, one of the guys gestured to us to go in...and I knew for sure something was up! As we the two of us opened the door, we saw our diaper cakes sitting right there on the end of the table for us. Talk about a great moment of surprise and happiness!

Happy Lunar New Year!

I've been eagerly awaiting this Lunar New Year and now it is here!! The year of the Water Dragon has begun.

As I just commented on a blog, I'm a bit wishy-washy when it comes to (western and Chinese) astrology. There are parts of it that I agree with and find spot on...and I want to believe, but sometimes, meh, it just doesn't work.

But because I am excited for my year, the year of the Dragon, baby!, this post is going to be about the believing part of me. Being a dragon myself, plus the potential of having a dragon baby of my own...too cool! I was born in 1976 under the auspicious year of the Fire Dragon. I am also a Leo in western astrology. (If I remember correctly, I am a triple or quadruple Leo threat.) Two of the strongest and "kings" of their world animals in both of their realms. That's a lot to live up to. *snicker*

I found a website that gives quite a bit of info about each of the signs and I like what they have to say. It is a wedding planning website, but I still like the info provided. I'd love to copy tons of the info to my blog, but I'll try to stick to the "most important".

Mr Siili is a Tiger. This is what they say about a Dragon-Tiger match:

A gutsy combination full of gusto to fuel passions

Poor Mr Siili has to deal with this aspects of a Dragon in love (and it's quite true):

It takes someone with thick skin who is easygoing to be a Dragon's partner, because, despite their sentimental characters, they can be moody, and insensitive. Many people will want to run when the Dragon's temper is provoked. Negatively, Dragons are egotistical and love to be the center of attention. Modesty is not one of his assets. Add to that the Dragon temper and you have a bossy, dominating and authoritative being. They hate solicited advice and can be hopelessly tactless and insensitive to their lovers.

Paxlet will be a Water Dragon. They say that Dragon-Dragon parent child relationships are quite compatible (4 stars out of 4). Like Mother like Daughter, is the saying.
Where as a Dog-Dragon relationship (my mom and I) only have one star for compatibility. (Man oh man, was that true! HA) They say Dogs and Dragons are mortal enemies. I believe my mom's western sign and mine weren't that compatible either. Thankfully we worked on working things out in the last years.


I don't really have much info to give or much to contribute by this post, except that I love Dragons (and frogs) and have for years! So, anything dragon is just great by me. And I really wanted to wish a Happy New Lunar Year, which I've now done. I can go to bed now.

Thursday thoughts

It's snowing! Again! I'm totally loving it (still). The two pictures I took with my camera phone don't do the actual view justice. The picture on the right looks bleak and dreary, plus you can't see the snow falling. The picture on the right looks a bit more cheery and you can just barely see the snow falling.

Today is Thursday the 12th (not that it means anything) and tomorrow is Friday the 13th!! I love Friday the 13th's. They always seem to be awesome days for me. It is Saturday the 14th that just sucks. LOL

Tomorrow also looks to be an insanely busy day at work. Four out of 9 people in our team will be off for one reason or another. Some of the girls are freaking and already stressing. I'm not. I'll do what I can do and that's that. Plus, it'll only be one day that is this crazy.

I took my very last progesterone suppository this morning. WooHOOO!!!!!

We didn't actually sign the loan papers yesterday, but rather just got them in order for the loan-lady to take them one more time to her boss and get everything finalized and approved one last time. We'll do the actual signing in a week and a half.

I really need to go shopping today to look for socks for the sock exchange I am doing at Searching for our silver lining.

I must have gotten an ok amount sleep last night because it is 6pm and I'm still feeling like I can function. It is also time to leave work and tentatively head to the store to look for socks and go food shopping.

I hope your Thursday is a thoughtful one.

Possibility

Today has been a good day. I didn't quite think it would go that way because our cats kept waking us up throughout most of the night. They ran, they chased, they whined, they puked and they ran and whined some more. I was exhausted by the time my alarm went off this morning. But, I got up, took a shower and headed to my friend's house like planned. *warning - pregnancy talked about in the 3rd and 6th paragraphs down*

I had begged and bribed said friend to go to lunch with me as I had a coupon for lunch that expired next week. But she had already promised to make gingerbread cookies with her daughter, so I was invited to help and then we'd go to lunch after that.

My friend's daughter is so adorable! She's 2,5 years old and just as cute and sweet as can be. She also thinks I'm pretty cool. This little girl spent an hour to an hour and a half rolling out her ball of cookie dough, making cookies, scrunching the dough up and then repeating the process all over again. She also ate half her ball of cookie dough (~1/4 to 1/3 cup) during this time! lol. When I got bored of making cookies (yes, I got bored before the little girl) I just hung out and chatted with everyone. When the girl got done making cookies, she asked to help her put her new puzzle together (by way of her mom suggesting it). After the girl put 2-3 pieces together, she just told me to do it myself. lol.

It was around this time that the mom was taking pictures of the little girl. So I figured I'd show her some of my recent pictures. *grin* I handed her my phone and with some xmas decorations showing and told her to just scroll to the right to see more. After about 4 or 5 pictures came up the 3rd pregnancy test I took yesterday. M friend froze and then asked "What's this? What is it? Is it...?" and then she turned to me and whispered "Are you pregnant?". All I could do was smile (grin?) and nod. She started crying, which made me cry! lol. She was so ecstatic, which made me very happy. This friend has been there for me during all of this and more. She also told me early on in her pregnancy with her girl in hopes of making it a bit less harder for me to hear. (I'm forever thankful for that.) The rest of the afternoon she's just get this grin on her face and whisper "you're pregnant!". I'm truly glad so many others are this excited for me while I am trying to find my own excitement.

Then it was lunch time for the girl. She got a bit whiny (not that bad at all) because she hadn't taken a nap the day before (yes, the effect accumulates, I was informed). As the girl was waiting for her mom to bring her drink, she was just fussing and being tired. So, I sat with her and started feeding her. She can feed herself, but this seemed to make her happy and not whiny. Her mom just laughed when she walked back in the room. I ended up feeding the entire bowl of food to the girl. lol

After lunch, it was time for us all to get dressed and head downtown. The girl wanted me, not her mom, to help her put her clothes on. I told her she had to help me because I didn't know what to do. So, she laid on the floor with her feet up in the air for me to put her stockings on. After that, I tried putting her hat on backwards, her shoes on her feet and so on. She got pretty silly and wasn't so helpful, so I told her that I couldn't help her any more and it was time for me to put my own shoes on. I got one of my own boots on when she was serious enough to help me help her to get dressed. But not before she fully trusted me to catch her as she fell back on me, repeatedly. lol. This girl is so sweet! Did I mention how much she likes me? *beams proudly*

Two days ago, this wonderful and fun afternoon with my friend and her daughter would have left my heart aching for the possibility of what could be if only I had a child of my own. And now, knowing that I have something growing inside of me, there IS a definitely possibility of these events happening for me with my own child. (Don't get me wrong, I know anything can happen between now and 9 months, but I'm not going to worry or bother about that for as much as I can.)

The song below, Possibility by Lykke Li, has been in my head the last several days. I was listening to it at work earlier this week and I copied the words into a post for later. It didn't sit there for long waiting to be talked about, because I just can't get it out of my head. This is a beautiful and hauntingly sad song. I love it. The words, melody and voice just speak to me so deeply right now. 

Lykke Li - Possibility


There's a possibility
There's a possibility
All that I had was all I'm gonna get
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

There's a possibility
There's a possibility
All I gonna get is gone with your step
All I gonna get is gone with your stare

So tell me when you hear my heart stop
You're the only one that knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There's a possibility I wouldn't know
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Know that when you leave
Know that when you leave
By blood and by me, you walk like a thief,
By blood and by me, and I fall when you leave

So tell me when you hear my heart stop
You're the only one that knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There's a possibility I wouldn't know

So tell me when my sigh is over
You're the reason why I'm closed
Tell me when you hear me falling
There's a possibility it wouldn't show
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

By blood and by me, and I'll fall when you leave.
By blood and by me, I follow your lead.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Squeeee!!

Things that make me happy right now: I have 34 followers!! It's Thursday evening and tomorrow is Friday. At work tomorrow we have an ice cream social-event (organized by me). And I still haven't tested (8dpt3dt).

On a different note: I've been so bad lately about replying to comments. I love every single one of them! My plan is to reply to them this evening (it is after 9pm already), if I don't fall asleep first.

Brunch with my girl friends

Lately, I've been having a rough time with life, missing my mom and how long it is taking to get pregnant. You can see some of this in two of my recent posts: here and a little bit here. About a week ago, I decided I couldn't handle keeping all of my thoughts and emotions to myself (and Mr Siili) anymore. I am a social person and I haven't been talking much or sharing much with my girl friends. Sure, I've told them about the good times and the happy times and a little bit about my sad times, but not nearly enough of it all. So, I sent an email to my closest 4 girl friends and asked if they had time to meet up sometime in the near future. Lo and behold, we (4 out of 5 of us) managed a Sunday brunch get-together in under a week!! I sent the first email Tuesday night at 10:51pm and today we met. That almost never happens! I feel much better after today's gab session, even if we did cry a bit.

We enjoyed an amazing buffet brunch with the sun shining on us.The food was plentiful and yummy. I had 2 huge plates of food (fruits galore, meat, mashed & wedged potatoes, mushrooms, olives, shrimp, crawdads, sun-dried tomatoes, etc) and a slice of cheese cake and carrot cake for dessert. (It's now 8pm and I'm still not really hungry.) While we ate and for a while after, we caught up on each others' lives. All the good stuff, first. Before I could get my courage up and truly say what I needed to say, one friend had to leave, as she lives in another town. I was very glad that she joined us, but I'll have to talk with her more at a later date!

Then when it was just the 3 of us, the talk turned to a bit more serious note. That's when I felt it was time to let them know how I've really been feeling lately. I told them that I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I need my friends and I need my friends to be there for me, as I want to be there for them. My friends are my (chosen) family, especially when my blood family is half a world away.

These two friends of mine not only listened to what I was saying, but they understood what I was trying to get across! It wasn't just me pouring out my heart ache and sorrow and a bit of happiness too, but they shared their aches and pains also. It went to show, like it has been coming more apparent to me lately, that we as humans all have these burdens that we either feel aren't worth it to share with others or we don't want to make our burden someone else's burden. Some of the things my friends shared just broke my heart, but I am better for knowing that they put enough trust in me and our friendship to share. I also feel lighter for having shared my own sorrows. I truly hope we can continue in this vein and call on each other when we need it most.

Today was a perfect autumn day: a chill in the air, sun, friends, food and chat.

Taking back myself

I love to bake and cook. I have more recipes cut out of magazines and printed from online sites than I know what to do with, but I just can't seem to help myself. I love food!

Part of my relaxing this summer and not stressing about TTC or IF treatments (or lack of them during the summer) is to do things I like and that make me happy. The sort of things that make me who I am or at least who I want to be and not the person I've become during this last year and a half of treatments and 3 years of TTC.

So, here's to trying more new recipes, doing some arts and crafts, sewing, reading and just plain ol' enjoying summer!

Here's the recipe I found this weekend and tried last night. Very simple and full of ingredients I like individually, so why wouldn't they be good together? I quite liked this. Hubby liked it too!

Meksikolainen maissisalaatti / Mexican corn salad

1 bag / ~1 1/3 cup	frozen or canned corn
1	avocado
1	cucumber (peeled, unless you use an English cucumber)
1	red onion
3 tablespoons	finely chopped herbs, for ex. basil, chives and parsley
2 tablespoons	lemon juice
1 tablespoon	olive oil
pinch	salt & ground black pepper

Melt and drain the corn. Cut the avocado in half, remove the stone and then peel it. Cut the avocado into little pieces and sprinkle the lemon juice on top of it to prevent it from browning. Cut the cucumber into little cubes. Peel and chop the onion into small pieces. Mix all the ingredients together. Make the dressing by mixing the lemon juice, oil and herbs together. Then pour it on top of the salad. Stir it together and enjoy!

Another month

I can't believe that we've already seen 8 months of this year and September is already here. Where has the time time gone? At the moment, work is what's on my mind. Month-end reporting is finally done at work and so now it is back to our regular daily processes.

I'm an Accounts Receivable (AR) specialist (aka bean counter or bookkeeper) for the UK and North American team in a big international company. The most important part of my work is processing our customer's payments that come to us. But there is many other tasks that we do on a daily basis and a few extra during month- and quarter-end closing.

I never thought I'd be working for such a huge company, but here I am. I've been working here for a year and a half now. I still love my job and what I do. My co-workers and boss are a cool bunch, which makes my job that much more enjoyable. In our team alone, we've got a Scot, another American and 2 Finns.

What makes me even more happy about my job, is that it feels like a real job. It isn't like most of my previous jobs (here in Finland), where I have a contract for a stated period of time or that I feel and know that the job is just a stepping stone until I find something better and more permanent. This is something that I can see myself doing for many years and I know there is possibilities for growth and continual learning.

I think I might be finally growing up.