This is a change: I'm feeling sad for someone else and happy for myself. It still isn't a great feeling.
Showing posts with label IF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IF. Show all posts
05 January 2013
Counting my lucky stars
I ran into a former co-worker/acquaintance at the grocery store yesterday. I worked with her during my second year in Finland and don't think I've seen here since sometime during my third year here. Any who, she asked what I had been up to. I pointed at Paxlet and told her it took us 4 years to get him (among other things that I've been doing since we last spoke). She told me that her and her husband tried for many years and went through all the treatments under the sun (her words) that they possibly could and nothing worked. They are now learning to live child free. I told her I'm sorry.
This is a change: I'm feeling sad for someone else and happy for myself. It still isn't a great feeling.
This is a change: I'm feeling sad for someone else and happy for myself. It still isn't a great feeling.
04 July 2012
No weekly update today.
I didn't write up my weekly pregnancy update while at work today and now our old computer is dead (with lots of photos on it) and so is my laptop. Only Mr Siili's computer is working and he's using it right now. So, update tomorrow from work.
Speaking of work, I only have two days left of work!!! Then starts a few holiday days and then maternity leave. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm excited for the baby to be here. Honestly, I haven't thought that far yet. I'm just so totally thrilled that it is finally my turn to go on leave. I've seen so many co-workers go on leave and come back, that the feeling I have is: finally! After I'm on leave for a bit I'll start getting (more) excited about Paxlets arrival.
Speaking of Paxlets arrival, I hung out with my good friend R, who is five weeks behind me on her second pregnancy. There was also another friend there, who I found out today is 20 weeks along with her second as well. (Their hubbys and kids, plus one MIL was also there.) We took some cute pictures of the three of us pregnant ladies and we all ate way too many crepes (lätty) with fresh strawberries and ice cream.
On some infertility, screwed-up-ness levels, I'm still a tad jealous of seeing them with their little girls and having a second bump too. (Or anyone else fitting that category.) Although, I do have to say, that finally being pregnant myself does take the sting out of it, which I know otherwise would be unbearable to handle if I was still in the trenches. Infertility will never go away.
On another note, seeing the guys with their little ones gives me hope with Mr Siili. He just doesn't seem so interested in this pregnancy. I know every guy and situation is different, but I would really love more connection and seeming interest from him. I really would love to be able to talk more animatedly and excitedly about things and Paxlet's arrival than what I feel I can/can't now. I am thankful that these thoughts and issues are my biggest concerns, because they aren't so bad, but they do weigh in on my mind.
And with that, it is time for this mind to crawl into bed so I can get up early to write my weekly update before punching in for the day.
Speaking of work, I only have two days left of work!!! Then starts a few holiday days and then maternity leave. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm excited for the baby to be here. Honestly, I haven't thought that far yet. I'm just so totally thrilled that it is finally my turn to go on leave. I've seen so many co-workers go on leave and come back, that the feeling I have is: finally! After I'm on leave for a bit I'll start getting (more) excited about Paxlets arrival.
Speaking of Paxlets arrival, I hung out with my good friend R, who is five weeks behind me on her second pregnancy. There was also another friend there, who I found out today is 20 weeks along with her second as well. (Their hubbys and kids, plus one MIL was also there.) We took some cute pictures of the three of us pregnant ladies and we all ate way too many crepes (lätty) with fresh strawberries and ice cream.
On some infertility, screwed-up-ness levels, I'm still a tad jealous of seeing them with their little girls and having a second bump too. (Or anyone else fitting that category.) Although, I do have to say, that finally being pregnant myself does take the sting out of it, which I know otherwise would be unbearable to handle if I was still in the trenches. Infertility will never go away.
On another note, seeing the guys with their little ones gives me hope with Mr Siili. He just doesn't seem so interested in this pregnancy. I know every guy and situation is different, but I would really love more connection and seeming interest from him. I really would love to be able to talk more animatedly and excitedly about things and Paxlet's arrival than what I feel I can/can't now. I am thankful that these thoughts and issues are my biggest concerns, because they aren't so bad, but they do weigh in on my mind.
And with that, it is time for this mind to crawl into bed so I can get up early to write my weekly update before punching in for the day.
08 May 2012
Fertility treatments in Europe
Edited at the bottom of this section.
About a month ago, Mel shared an article in Promt-ly about Fertility treatment bans in Europe and how these bans are drawing criticism.The article states the bans and restrictions on who can receive fertility treatments in different countries in Europe and how they are old and outdated.
Here's a quick breakdown of the countries mentioned and what they ban or allow:
- France & Italy ban single women and lesbians from artificial insemination & IVF
- Sweden, Germany & Italy ban artificial insemination (Denmark, Spain & Belgium allow it)
- Austria & Italy ban all egg & sperm donations for IVF (Many couples travel to the Czech and Slovak republics and Spain instead if this is needed)
- Germany & Norway ban donating eggs, but not sperm.
- Sweden (and other countries not mentioned) require couples to have a stable relationship for at least a year to qualify for fertility treatment
- Switzerland (and other countries not mentioned) requires couples to be married.
- Ukraine is the main exception in Europe where couples are allowed to use surrogates, most other countries ban it
- France, Italy, Switzerland (and other countries not mentioned) only allow one partner to be the child's legal father or mother in gay and lesbian couples
That's quite a few countries telling women and couples what they can't do with their own bodies.
One country that wasn't mentioned in this article and one that I am more familiar with, is Finland. And I know that Finland allows many of the above issues. The article seemed quite selective in which countries it used for its basis on the bans. It makes me wonder which other European countries are more in line with Finland on what they allow.
At the time that Mel shared this prompt with us, there were ads (picture above) in the city buses for one of the local private fertility clinics. The ad states that nearly 1 in 6 couples hope for a baby - in vain. And then they go on to say that you, the person reading this (male or female), could help your fellow people by giving the greatest gift of all, life! And then they tell the basic requirements you would need to fulfil to donate and that the person will be compensated accordingly.
A few weeks later, I saw the below picture, for the same clinic, in our local newspaper. This ad was for the other end of the spectrum: those who want kids but are having trouble conceiving. The big frilly text says: What if the stork gets lost?. The clinic will be having open doors for people to come and hear about what the clinic does and for people to be able ask questions. There will also be a light brunch offered. In addition, the clinic states that usually a solution to childlessness is found, you just need to find the right procedure/method. And finally, sometimes the stork just needs a bit of directions on where to go, that's where the clinic will help.
I've not used a private clinic (as I was lucky to go the public route, more on that below), but looking at the clinic's ads and website, I can tell you for sure that donor eggs and sperm are allowed for use. I can also tell you that their website talks about single women and women couples who would like to pursue treatments. And as single and women couples are able to pursue treatments, I don't believe there is a set period of time how long a couple must try before they can be treated. (How would the be able to try? Unlike heterosexual couples...) Freezing embryos are also allowed (I have one little one on ice right now). The one thing that Finland does not allow (except in rare cases,) is surrogacy. I'm not 100% sure of the reason, but from what I under it has to do with legal issues.
Edit: Many of the countries that have such strict rules and bans against the different aspects of fertility treatments are the more religious oriented countries.
This section is about my own experience, rather than the bans and allowances of fertility treatments in Finland. Not quite on the same topic, but at least in the same vein.
My experiences (so far) with fertility clinics are a 1 time introductory visit to the above mentioned private clinic, for free. I checked this place out while I was waiting for my endo surgery, just over 2 years ago. As a result of my endo diagnosis (I think), I was referred to the local hospital's (public) Reproductive Endocrinology (RE) department, where we were able to get an appointment a month and a half later. (I've heard the waiting time can sometimes take 6 months or more just to get in there.)
The public system can (and at times does) take longer to get appointments. The public RE's are not open on holidays, weekends and take a full month summer holiday/break in July. On the other hand, everyone I met at the clinic was very nice, professional and willing to speak to me in English if/when I needed it. The prices are also much much cheaper! Each doctor visit was approximately 28€. And after I paid/spent 660€ in medications (per year), my prescription medicines would be 1,50€ each (with a letter from the Finnish social system). This deduction in medications would happen to anyone, regardless of where you are being treated.
I know there are some restrictions that apply to the public RE system in Finland, as opposed to the private sector, but I'm not sure what they all are. I do know for example that a couple needs to have seriously tried for at least a year and have a referral to get into the public clinic. I'm not sure if the couple needs to be married or not (many Finns don't get married), as Mr Siili and I are married, the subject never came up. In the public RE system, they will generally only do 3-4 IUIs and 3 fresh cycles of IVF (plus any FETs you have). I also know that you have to work around the holidays and weekends, which has caused a canceled cycle or two for me. As with other public health sectors here in Finland, you don't always have one doctor specifically assigned to you; you get who is in that day.
While I know Finland is quite different than other countries, I've not had any bad experiences with the public RE system nor any of the staff there. (There was one doctor I didn't like as much as the others, but she was still nice and very knowledgeable.) I feel very fortunate that it all worked out for me and Mr Siili as in Nov/Dec of last year were were on our 3rd and final fresh IVF cycle which produced this pregnancy (with one frozen one to spare). We can't wait to bring home our little Paxlet later this summer.
About a month ago, Mel shared an article in Promt-ly about Fertility treatment bans in Europe and how these bans are drawing criticism.The article states the bans and restrictions on who can receive fertility treatments in different countries in Europe and how they are old and outdated.
- France & Italy ban single women and lesbians from artificial insemination & IVF
- Sweden, Germany & Italy ban artificial insemination (Denmark, Spain & Belgium allow it)
- Austria & Italy ban all egg & sperm donations for IVF (Many couples travel to the Czech and Slovak republics and Spain instead if this is needed)
- Germany & Norway ban donating eggs, but not sperm.
- Sweden (and other countries not mentioned) require couples to have a stable relationship for at least a year to qualify for fertility treatment
- Switzerland (and other countries not mentioned) requires couples to be married.
- Ukraine is the main exception in Europe where couples are allowed to use surrogates, most other countries ban it
- France, Italy, Switzerland (and other countries not mentioned) only allow one partner to be the child's legal father or mother in gay and lesbian couples
That's quite a few countries telling women and couples what they can't do with their own bodies.
One country that wasn't mentioned in this article and one that I am more familiar with, is Finland. And I know that Finland allows many of the above issues. The article seemed quite selective in which countries it used for its basis on the bans. It makes me wonder which other European countries are more in line with Finland on what they allow.
At the time that Mel shared this prompt with us, there were ads (picture above) in the city buses for one of the local private fertility clinics. The ad states that nearly 1 in 6 couples hope for a baby - in vain. And then they go on to say that you, the person reading this (male or female), could help your fellow people by giving the greatest gift of all, life! And then they tell the basic requirements you would need to fulfil to donate and that the person will be compensated accordingly.
A few weeks later, I saw the below picture, for the same clinic, in our local newspaper. This ad was for the other end of the spectrum: those who want kids but are having trouble conceiving. The big frilly text says: What if the stork gets lost?. The clinic will be having open doors for people to come and hear about what the clinic does and for people to be able ask questions. There will also be a light brunch offered. In addition, the clinic states that usually a solution to childlessness is found, you just need to find the right procedure/method. And finally, sometimes the stork just needs a bit of directions on where to go, that's where the clinic will help.
I've not used a private clinic (as I was lucky to go the public route, more on that below), but looking at the clinic's ads and website, I can tell you for sure that donor eggs and sperm are allowed for use. I can also tell you that their website talks about single women and women couples who would like to pursue treatments. And as single and women couples are able to pursue treatments, I don't believe there is a set period of time how long a couple must try before they can be treated. (How would the be able to try? Unlike heterosexual couples...) Freezing embryos are also allowed (I have one little one on ice right now). The one thing that Finland does not allow (except in rare cases,) is surrogacy. I'm not 100% sure of the reason, but from what I under it has to do with legal issues.
Edit: Many of the countries that have such strict rules and bans against the different aspects of fertility treatments are the more religious oriented countries.
My experiences (so far) with fertility clinics are a 1 time introductory visit to the above mentioned private clinic, for free. I checked this place out while I was waiting for my endo surgery, just over 2 years ago. As a result of my endo diagnosis (I think), I was referred to the local hospital's (public) Reproductive Endocrinology (RE) department, where we were able to get an appointment a month and a half later. (I've heard the waiting time can sometimes take 6 months or more just to get in there.)
The public system can (and at times does) take longer to get appointments. The public RE's are not open on holidays, weekends and take a full month summer holiday/break in July. On the other hand, everyone I met at the clinic was very nice, professional and willing to speak to me in English if/when I needed it. The prices are also much much cheaper! Each doctor visit was approximately 28€. And after I paid/spent 660€ in medications (per year), my prescription medicines would be 1,50€ each (with a letter from the Finnish social system). This deduction in medications would happen to anyone, regardless of where you are being treated.
I know there are some restrictions that apply to the public RE system in Finland, as opposed to the private sector, but I'm not sure what they all are. I do know for example that a couple needs to have seriously tried for at least a year and have a referral to get into the public clinic. I'm not sure if the couple needs to be married or not (many Finns don't get married), as Mr Siili and I are married, the subject never came up. In the public RE system, they will generally only do 3-4 IUIs and 3 fresh cycles of IVF (plus any FETs you have). I also know that you have to work around the holidays and weekends, which has caused a canceled cycle or two for me. As with other public health sectors here in Finland, you don't always have one doctor specifically assigned to you; you get who is in that day.
While I know Finland is quite different than other countries, I've not had any bad experiences with the public RE system nor any of the staff there. (There was one doctor I didn't like as much as the others, but she was still nice and very knowledgeable.) I feel very fortunate that it all worked out for me and Mr Siili as in Nov/Dec of last year were were on our 3rd and final fresh IVF cycle which produced this pregnancy (with one frozen one to spare). We can't wait to bring home our little Paxlet later this summer.
19 January 2012
When, Not If
Since my therapist appointment yesterday, I've been thinking quite a bit about using "when" and not "if" when talking about my/our future now that I am pregnant. But this sure is difficult!
I can remember before we ever started TTC, I would quite often talk to my friends about "when I'm a mom" or "when I have kids", etc. And then we did start TTC and I was even more excited about "when" I'd finally be a mom and "when" I'd get to do stuff with my kids. Even after TTC for a year and a half, plus surgery, I will still quite optimistic about "when". I'm quite sure that even during the first couple of cycles with IUIs, I was still talking about "when".
What I don't remember is when my "whens" turned to "ifs". How did I start thinking and talking about "if I get pregnant" or "if I ever become a mom"? How did it happen that when talking with my friends, I no longer got as excited to tell them "when I have a kid, we're going to..."?
Even now, when I am 9 weeks pregnant and the therapist asked me to describe "how my life will be in a year, when all things go correct", how come it was so hard to tell her my plans "when"? I was so unsure in my telling our future and how I see things when all things go correct, that I had to do it two times. The second telling I had to take my time and choose my words carefully. I had to think about using "when" and not "if" or "hopefully" or "maybe". It really was difficult! But when I did manage to tell how I see our future "when", it sure felt great! It was like this little gate popped open inside of me. (I am sure I got a goofy grin on my face.) I was able to peak through the gate and start to see that there really could be a great future "when" everything goes well. And that is what has been happening since. I've been slowly thinking more and more of "when" and not "if".
So, here's my story I told the therapist about "when" things go great and where I see us in a year:
When I give birth to my baby this summer, my family (dad, siblings and maybe even stepmom) will come visit us. We'll have been in our new home for a while, so they'll have a place to stay with us and not need a hotel. Mr Siili will still be working at his job and he'll like what he is doing (even if he doesn't love it, he'll be happy enough). I year from now, I will still be at home with our little one. The three of us will be a happy family even if we don't always get enough sleep. (Ok,so I just added this last sentence. *grin*)
I can remember before we ever started TTC, I would quite often talk to my friends about "when I'm a mom" or "when I have kids", etc. And then we did start TTC and I was even more excited about "when" I'd finally be a mom and "when" I'd get to do stuff with my kids. Even after TTC for a year and a half, plus surgery, I will still quite optimistic about "when". I'm quite sure that even during the first couple of cycles with IUIs, I was still talking about "when".
What I don't remember is when my "whens" turned to "ifs". How did I start thinking and talking about "if I get pregnant" or "if I ever become a mom"? How did it happen that when talking with my friends, I no longer got as excited to tell them "when I have a kid, we're going to..."?
Even now, when I am 9 weeks pregnant and the therapist asked me to describe "how my life will be in a year, when all things go correct", how come it was so hard to tell her my plans "when"? I was so unsure in my telling our future and how I see things when all things go correct, that I had to do it two times. The second telling I had to take my time and choose my words carefully. I had to think about using "when" and not "if" or "hopefully" or "maybe". It really was difficult! But when I did manage to tell how I see our future "when", it sure felt great! It was like this little gate popped open inside of me. (I am sure I got a goofy grin on my face.) I was able to peak through the gate and start to see that there really could be a great future "when" everything goes well. And that is what has been happening since. I've been slowly thinking more and more of "when" and not "if".
So, here's my story I told the therapist about "when" things go great and where I see us in a year:
When I give birth to my baby this summer, my family (dad, siblings and maybe even stepmom) will come visit us. We'll have been in our new home for a while, so they'll have a place to stay with us and not need a hotel. Mr Siili will still be working at his job and he'll like what he is doing (even if he doesn't love it, he'll be happy enough). I year from now, I will still be at home with our little one. The three of us will be a happy family even if we don't always get enough sleep. (Ok,so I just added this last sentence. *grin*)
31 July 2011
3 posts in 1
My thoughts are of 3 different subjects today, yet they all are slighty connected, but I don't feel like writing them separately, so here it goes:
The best shopping spree
A second-hand store in town had a 1€ for any item of clothing sale today (Mon=4€, Tue & Wed=3€, Thurs & Fri=2€ and Sat=1€). They do this 2-3 times a year and normally I just stay away. I just hate the crowds, I hate waiting in long lines to try on clothes, I hate trying on clothes, I hate finding stuff I like AND hoping it is in my size. I just don't generally like clothes shopping. But today was different! I spent 12€ on 12 pieces of clothing today. Yes, that's right, 12€ total on 12 pieces of clothing, as a little birthday gift to myself.
The difference with today was that I wasn't there with the intention to buy clothes for me to wear, but to find some fabric to sew some stuff. I was looking at clothes as if it was just material. I grabbed a pair of yellow-green and black plaid pants (I had spied them a few days earlier and hoped they'd still be there), a couple of green shirts in different shades, a pair of red/orange/off-white hibiscus covered pillow cases, some orange shirts, a blue flowery shirt, a brown pair of pants and a grey/black/white skirt all with the intention of upcycling or recycling them into something else. I didn't have to think of what size the clothes were or how they fit me (although I did find 2 shirts for actual wearing), I just had to like the colors and material. It was the bestest shopping spree that I have gone on in ages. And the funny part, some of the clothes I bought actually fit me and look good on me! Especially the brown slacks. Go figure!
You just don't get it! or Why can't you just understand?!
I had what I consider a pretty big break down this evening. Mr Siili and I were laying in bed chatting. It got onto the subject of acupuncture and IVF. He doesn't believe that acupuncture will help with my endo nor help me get pregnant. If I like the acupuncture, as one would like a massage, then he doesn't see why I couldn't continue to go a couple of more times (but not 8 more times), but if I am going into the appointments with the idea that it is going to "cure" or even help fix me, I might as well not go because there are no known scientific medical studies showing that it actually does anything. This got me quite upset and sent me off on a tirade about how all of this IF stuff consumes my unconscious and conscious mind whether I want it to or not. I once again explained, between crying sobs, that I feel the need to try something more, that I am getting to the end of what I can try. (No, I will not buy some magical rocks to put around our bed to help me connect with ley-lines or a copper bracelet that does whatever, etc as Mr Siili facetiously suggested.) I see other pregnant women and it makes me sad. I hear of a friend/co-worker/acquaintance is pregnant or just had their kid and I'm again sad (don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them, but extremely sad for myself). I'm now 35 (stupid birthday, although I've never really had issues with my age before and all of this 35-stuff isn't really about my age but rather the whole "harder to get pregnant and higher risk" stuff) and getting pregnant is supposed to be harder, what the fuck has it been up to now? A walk in the park? Sure, I got pregnant once 13 years ago when I didn't want to and now that I want to get pregnant, I can't! I also didn't have endo then. I'm tired of the stupid people telling me to relax or trust in god or that it will happen when it is meant to be. I relaxed the entire first year, I don't believe in god and I hate hearing "meant to be". I just want to be fucking pregnant now! All of these thoughts and more plague me constantly. I can't lock myself in my bedroom to get away from it all because even in there I'd be reminded of pregnancy or my mind would wander to babies, etc. There is no escape from it.
We've tried a year and a half on our own, I've had laparoscopic surgery for endo, we've done several IUIs, 2 IVFs, 1 FET and not a single pregnancy. Not even a BFP which results in a loss, which sad to say, I'd dearly love even one of those right now. We have 1 more IVF try via the (less expensive) public clinic and then we'd need to transfer to a private clinic if we want to continue trying. Are we even going to continue if we have to go the slightly more expensive* route? I feel like we are getting to the end of what can be done to get me pregnant. Yet, if we stop now and don't try anything else, it is almost a 100% guarantee that I won't ever get pregnant and I cannot accept that yet. I am not ready to throw in the towel and give up. I am not at a stage where I can carry on with my life in a self-accepting and happy way. I NEED to get pregnant and have a kid. I can only hope this crying and ranting episode helped Mr Siili to maybe, even just a little bit, understand what it is that goes through my mind and what I've feeling.
*I feel a bit guilty talking about 'expensive' because I know it is relative and I am so totally thankful that I don't live in the USA where IVF is insanely expensive and to which I feel that if we did live in the US, we wouldn't be doing most of what we have, although Mr Siili seems to think otherwise.
My mom would have remembered
My birthday was a few days ago. On the day of my birthday, I had aprox. 70 happy birthday messages on Facebook, several more via sms, 1 package in the mail (a few cards beforehand), a sweet card from Mr Siili and promises for the actual gift later. Of all of those well wishes for my birthday, not a single one came from my immediate family members. Two days later, I call them via Skype and still not a single person mentions my birthday. I know I could have and probably should have mentioned my birthday myself, but that just feel so wrong. So, here I sit totally upset and crying that no one in my family remembered my birthday, or at least to tell me they remembered it. And I know that if my mom was alive, she would have remembered it. She always did!
Yikes, this turned out to be much longer than I had intended.
The best shopping spree
A second-hand store in town had a 1€ for any item of clothing sale today (Mon=4€, Tue & Wed=3€, Thurs & Fri=2€ and Sat=1€). They do this 2-3 times a year and normally I just stay away. I just hate the crowds, I hate waiting in long lines to try on clothes, I hate trying on clothes, I hate finding stuff I like AND hoping it is in my size. I just don't generally like clothes shopping. But today was different! I spent 12€ on 12 pieces of clothing today. Yes, that's right, 12€ total on 12 pieces of clothing, as a little birthday gift to myself.
The difference with today was that I wasn't there with the intention to buy clothes for me to wear, but to find some fabric to sew some stuff. I was looking at clothes as if it was just material. I grabbed a pair of yellow-green and black plaid pants (I had spied them a few days earlier and hoped they'd still be there), a couple of green shirts in different shades, a pair of red/orange/off-white hibiscus covered pillow cases, some orange shirts, a blue flowery shirt, a brown pair of pants and a grey/black/white skirt all with the intention of upcycling or recycling them into something else. I didn't have to think of what size the clothes were or how they fit me (although I did find 2 shirts for actual wearing), I just had to like the colors and material. It was the bestest shopping spree that I have gone on in ages. And the funny part, some of the clothes I bought actually fit me and look good on me! Especially the brown slacks. Go figure!
You just don't get it! or Why can't you just understand?!
I had what I consider a pretty big break down this evening. Mr Siili and I were laying in bed chatting. It got onto the subject of acupuncture and IVF. He doesn't believe that acupuncture will help with my endo nor help me get pregnant. If I like the acupuncture, as one would like a massage, then he doesn't see why I couldn't continue to go a couple of more times (but not 8 more times), but if I am going into the appointments with the idea that it is going to "cure" or even help fix me, I might as well not go because there are no known scientific medical studies showing that it actually does anything. This got me quite upset and sent me off on a tirade about how all of this IF stuff consumes my unconscious and conscious mind whether I want it to or not. I once again explained, between crying sobs, that I feel the need to try something more, that I am getting to the end of what I can try. (No, I will not buy some magical rocks to put around our bed to help me connect with ley-lines or a copper bracelet that does whatever, etc as Mr Siili facetiously suggested.) I see other pregnant women and it makes me sad. I hear of a friend/co-worker/acquaintance is pregnant or just had their kid and I'm again sad (don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them, but extremely sad for myself). I'm now 35 (stupid birthday, although I've never really had issues with my age before and all of this 35-stuff isn't really about my age but rather the whole "harder to get pregnant and higher risk" stuff) and getting pregnant is supposed to be harder, what the fuck has it been up to now? A walk in the park? Sure, I got pregnant once 13 years ago when I didn't want to and now that I want to get pregnant, I can't! I also didn't have endo then. I'm tired of the stupid people telling me to relax or trust in god or that it will happen when it is meant to be. I relaxed the entire first year, I don't believe in god and I hate hearing "meant to be". I just want to be fucking pregnant now! All of these thoughts and more plague me constantly. I can't lock myself in my bedroom to get away from it all because even in there I'd be reminded of pregnancy or my mind would wander to babies, etc. There is no escape from it.
We've tried a year and a half on our own, I've had laparoscopic surgery for endo, we've done several IUIs, 2 IVFs, 1 FET and not a single pregnancy. Not even a BFP which results in a loss, which sad to say, I'd dearly love even one of those right now. We have 1 more IVF try via the (less expensive) public clinic and then we'd need to transfer to a private clinic if we want to continue trying. Are we even going to continue if we have to go the slightly more expensive* route? I feel like we are getting to the end of what can be done to get me pregnant. Yet, if we stop now and don't try anything else, it is almost a 100% guarantee that I won't ever get pregnant and I cannot accept that yet. I am not ready to throw in the towel and give up. I am not at a stage where I can carry on with my life in a self-accepting and happy way. I NEED to get pregnant and have a kid. I can only hope this crying and ranting episode helped Mr Siili to maybe, even just a little bit, understand what it is that goes through my mind and what I've feeling.
*I feel a bit guilty talking about 'expensive' because I know it is relative and I am so totally thankful that I don't live in the USA where IVF is insanely expensive and to which I feel that if we did live in the US, we wouldn't be doing most of what we have, although Mr Siili seems to think otherwise.
My mom would have remembered
My birthday was a few days ago. On the day of my birthday, I had aprox. 70 happy birthday messages on Facebook, several more via sms, 1 package in the mail (a few cards beforehand), a sweet card from Mr Siili and promises for the actual gift later. Of all of those well wishes for my birthday, not a single one came from my immediate family members. Two days later, I call them via Skype and still not a single person mentions my birthday. I know I could have and probably should have mentioned my birthday myself, but that just feel so wrong. So, here I sit totally upset and crying that no one in my family remembered my birthday, or at least to tell me they remembered it. And I know that if my mom was alive, she would have remembered it. She always did!
Yikes, this turned out to be much longer than I had intended.
06 June 2011
WoooHooooo!
According to Blogger, this is my 100th post. How's that for a Monday? But the real reason for my happy title is that I went to BodyCombat today and man, oh man, alive! I love love LOVE the new program!!!
This new BodyCombat program is all about Taekwon-do (kicks) and some Muay thai (standing, up close fighting) movements. There are tons and tons of kicks! The combo of them is fun and different. The music is good (as usual). And I really got a work out! After today's class I was thoroughly sweaty, red-faced and slightly out of breath. I know my buttocks will be sore in the next day or two. Woohoo!
On the other hand, I really do miss Taekwon-do training, but with IF treatments taking quite a bit of time and and not wanting to risk being kicked or hit in the stomach during the 2WW, I've opted to not practice TKD for some time now. Going to BodyCombat at the gym is my alternative and a great way to get aggression out of my system. hehe. BodyCombat was also what I was doing before I tried TKD and found that I love it! I would love to participate in competitions again. I wasn't very good at the patterns (tul), especially in competition, but they are fun to learn. I did love the sparring part of competitions. Doing high kicks to my opponents head and winning my fight (and gold) was an awesome feeling!!
This new BodyCombat program is all about Taekwon-do (kicks) and some Muay thai (standing, up close fighting) movements. There are tons and tons of kicks! The combo of them is fun and different. The music is good (as usual). And I really got a work out! After today's class I was thoroughly sweaty, red-faced and slightly out of breath. I know my buttocks will be sore in the next day or two. Woohoo!
On the other hand, I really do miss Taekwon-do training, but with IF treatments taking quite a bit of time and and not wanting to risk being kicked or hit in the stomach during the 2WW, I've opted to not practice TKD for some time now. Going to BodyCombat at the gym is my alternative and a great way to get aggression out of my system. hehe. BodyCombat was also what I was doing before I tried TKD and found that I love it! I would love to participate in competitions again. I wasn't very good at the patterns (tul), especially in competition, but they are fun to learn. I did love the sparring part of competitions. Doing high kicks to my opponents head and winning my fight (and gold) was an awesome feeling!!
23 May 2011
One of those moments
My moment was the realization that I have been quite unfair to some of my friends. Two in particular. Especially during the last few years as I've been going through this maze of infertility, treatments and BFNs each month, the times when I've been feeling alone, woe is me, none of my friends know what I'm going through, so on and so forth. Tonight, I realized that is not true. My friends have been going through their own version of IF. While it isn't anything like what I'm going through, they are going through secondary IF also!
One friend has an almost 7yo boy. (When she was pregnant with him, that started my baby craze!) She has been trying ever since to have another child. She has been pregnant two more times, but both ended in mc. The other friend has an almost 2yo old girl. This little girl is a miracle. The doctors told my friend it wasn't a viable pregnancy (on multiple dr visits), gave her the prescription to end it but she didn't. She has also found out since that because of her migraines and other hormone issues, that she is very lucky her pregnancy went full term with a healthy baby.
So, while these two have a child in their life, they too are experiencing IF. That is what I didn't see. That is what just clicked and was my 'moment' tonight. We are all on the same side of different coins. They may never fully understand exactly what I am going through and I can't possibly understand their situation either, but we are all desperately wanting a(nother) child.
I am now off to share this moment with my two friends via email, because 1. it is too late to call and 2. I am such an emotional wreck tonight that I wouldn't be able to get the words out of my mouth without breaking down into huge sobs.
Two more sleeps until I officially test.
p.s. What do the numbers (#8, #44, etc) mean for ICLW comments?
p.p.s. edited to add some clarification: I've known the whole time that my friends have been TTC. It just never clicked in my mind and processed as it did last night. Even though they have a child, they are now having troubles with conceiving a 2nd child. I was narrowly seeing IF (albeit secondary IF, even for me) as "not having a kid at all".
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