18 weeks

Update: Paxlet pictures are now updated.

Today is a great day, although work has been on blah, but I'll get into that at the end of this post. The reason today is great is that March ICLW starts today and so does Spring! Today is the first day this year where the day is longer than night. Up north in Finland where we have looong dark winters, this is an important milestone each year. It means spring is on it's way (if the snow will just stop coming down), the sun is shining more and it is actually warm when it shines! It was a balmy 6C (42,8F) and sunny outside at lunch today. Still needed to wear my earmuffs and gloves though.

And now for this week's update. I still can't believe I'm at 18 weeks (or 4,5 months!) and going into the 19th week.

Total Weight Loss/Gain: I'm up a kilo, so that's 3 total so far this journey.

Maternity Clothes: I'm loving my belly bands and I think only 1, or two at most, pair of paints can be worn without a button and zipper undone. I'm really looking forward to spring so I can wear some lighter and stretchier clothes. I should go check out some maternity pants (I know I've been saying that for some time now...) I'm also concerned that I might need a new-new maternity bra. I'm thinking the one I bought is maybe (already) a bit too small. Ugh!

Stretch marks: Nope, none yet.

Sleep: I sleep quite well, even after getting up and going pee often. hehehe. I have noticed that my neck is a bit more stiff than usual when I wake up. I think part of that has to do with not flipping from side to side as much during the night.
I can't remember if I've mentioned this before or not, but I have a "bean bag" that you can toss in the microwave/freezer that I have been laying out under my belly when I sleep. It is just enough support that my belly doesn't feel tired already in the morning.

Movement: Nothing yet. My stomach and everything in that area is quiet!! No butterflies, no bubbles, no whooshes or other possible Paxlet movements yet. If there does happen to be movement, I definitely know it is gas or my stomach digesting.

Cravings/Aversions: The only time I seem to "crave" something is if I see it (for ex. on TV) or a group of us are talking about it. Sort of like last Saturdy when I wanted pizza (I can almost always eat pizza) and then seeing the green popsicle on Dexter, which led me to wanting one myself.

Gender: I don't really have a feeling either way.

Symptoms: I've been definitely getting more round ligament twinges and pains. I'm even getting minute, yet sharp pains right in the pubic area. Those are uncomfortable. My tummy feels heavy quite often, especially as the day wears on. And I feel like I am waddling already, to an extent.

What I miss: Absolutely nothing. I truly am loving this, even when I'm "complaining" a little!

What I look forward to: Two more weeks until our 20 week scan when we'll get to see Paxlet again and maybe even find out the gender. I'd so love to feel Paxlet move.

Moods: I think this last week has been great! I've been quite cheerful (spring coming doesn't hurt this) and feeling quite energized and perky.

Milestones: Paxlet is the size of a sweet potato!
My tummy is definitely showing more and more, although I think if you didn't know I was pregnant you might not be 100% sure if I was pregnant or just fat.

Misc: I know I've talked about the need to pee a lot! But I guess that is my biggest symptom or issue with pregnancy. And it's more of an annoyance than anything else. But do you realize how much time a pregnant women spends in the bathroom just going pee? A lot!! I was joking with my co-worker today that we should just move our desks into the bathroom as it'd save us some time. Haha

And my gripe that I mentioned at the beginning of this post: work. I've been pretty good about staying stress-free and just going with the flow so far most of this year. But lately, it's just been so crazy and hectic that I'm just not as happy. For example, yesterday, I went into work just after 8am in the hopes of leaving at 4pm. Well, before our meeting at 2pm our SAP program crapped out on us. Our meeting lasted until just after 4pm, which when I got back to my desk I found out some of the work in Shanghai wasn't done, partly due to SAP crapping out on us. This isn't my week to stay late (until 6pm), but the issues from Shanghai were a bit more complicated than normal, so I stayed to do it. And stay I did! I didn't leave the office until 7:30pm!!! The issues really were more complicated and long winded, even for me who is an expert on this issue. On any other day it would have been fine to stay later, but I had really hoped to leave the office early. It just made me pissy! Not to mention I still didn't get everything done and continued it this morning. And to make matters worse (or rather me more grumpy), our time-keeper-machine only calculated me for 2hrs 45 min extra and not 3hrs! I am fighting those 15 minutes, I deserve them. And then again today, I still had my own stuff to do plus more stuff from Shanghai, so I didn't really get much of anything done (or so it felt like). And again I left later than I wanted, but still earlier than 7:30pm. Tomorrow I am only working my 8 hours and leaving when they are over no matter what is or isn't done!

Paxlet pictures aren't yet taken for this week, but I'll have Mr Siili take them before I go to bed and update  soon.

17 weeks
16 weeks
15 weeks
14 weeks
13 weeks
12 weeks
11 weeks
10 weeks
9 weeks
8 weeks
7 weeks

January ICLW

Welcome to January's International Comment Leaving Week.

I've been playing FB games sitting here for quite some time trying to figure out what to say for this month's ICLW intro post. And I still have no idea. As usual, I am amazed that 2/3 of the month has gone by already. Where did it go?

A bit about me for those who are new here: I'm 35 and a half years old, Mr Siili (my husband) is 37 and a half years young (or maybe it's the other way around). We've got two furball cats, that are sweet, lovable and cuddle-bugs. I'm pregnant with our first kid and that is due in late August. It took us 3,5 years to get here and I'm beyond thrilled about it, now that I'm finally believing that I'm actually pregnant! We will be signing the loan papers for our new house on Monday (for real this time) and we move in in about 5 months. We're both employed, finally! (I've been a the same company/job almost 4 years and he's been at his job since the beginning of the year after getting his PhD almost a year ago.)
We're just your normal average couple trying to live our lives.

Let me know you stopped by. A quick 'hello' will do. Or if you want to say a little something more, tell me what your weather's been like lately.

Here in Finland, we've finally gotten winter weather: cold and snow, plus some winter storms with wind. It took a long time to get here, but it's beautiful! Especially when I can choose to stay inside and watch it from the window or prepare myself beforehand to head out into it for a nice walk.

And just because, here's a few photos I've taken during the last week or so. Excuse the quality, they were taken with my camera phone.

The bus coming to take me away to work.

Walking across the railway bridge to work after I got off the bus.

Attached to the railway bridge divider-wall. I walked past this for 2 weeks before taking a picture and the following day, it was gone. Hahah

 

Walking home from the stores: by the little pond/lake. It's 8pm.

Still walking home, but this is next to some buildings with light. I love these trees!

December ICLW

Welcome to December's International Comment Leaving Week.

I hope your holidays haven't been too stressful so far and that you've managed to find some relaxing moments. This year, I did most of my xmas shopping by early September when I was in Shanghai on a business trip. It's be been nice not having to go out in the holiday shopping crowds. Plus, I'm not usually big on shopping in general (esp. when it comes to bras).

For those of you reading for the first time, here's a  bit about  who we are:

I'm 35 year old bean counter (accounts receivable specialist) and Mr Siili (DH) is a 37 year young doctor. No, not that kind of doctor! He has his PhD in computer stuff (that's the technical name for it). And he's just received a job offer after almost one year of being unemployed. We've been together 13,5 years, married 5,5 of those. This month we finally got our BFP from IVF #3 after almost 3,5 years of trying. I'm really hoping this little thing sticks.

When I'm not obsessing about IF, IVF, becoming a mom and more recently, being pregnant, I like to bake, read, do crafts and arts, play around online, snuggle my two cats and bug Mr Siili, among other things.

And something new for those of you who do follow me:
Yesterday's post was quite useless in my opinion, but I left it published once I put it out there.

I have not dyed my hair since February. The dark brown color that I had been dying it with for a while has faded somewhat. You can clearly see my own color and even the grey/very light hairs (they shine quite well in sunlight) on the top 6 or so inches. I haven't had my hair trimmed since late spring, which makes the length of my hair past my shoulders and still growing. I'm not sure when I'll get it cute next, nor what I'll do with it, but for now, it is just growing.

While Xmas is a quiet event here in Finland, unlike with my family in the US where we have a huge party on Xmas eve, I still look forward to it (usually). Our Xmas eve dinner here in Finland makes up for the Turkey-day meal we don't have here. (The Mayflower, Pinta & Santa Maria (is there more?) just didn't land here.) The left overs that last for days...I'm in heaven!!

I have the 23rd off from work this year, so Mr Siili, the cats and I will head to his parents house, as usual. His mom makes most of the savory foods, with some help from me and I make most of the sweet things. This year will be no exception. I'm planning on making chocolate chip cookies, coconut macaroons and I think Chocolate Crinkles.

Happy Holidays, whatever it is you choose to celebrate (or not)!

A picture of our boys years ago (Rusty & ^^Kantti^^).
I should try to get a new one with Rusty & Mansi.

Random stuffs

Tuesday already, or is it again? Below is some random stuffs going through my tired head today.


-Mr Siili has an interview this morning. We're riding the bus together downtown, that's rare. But he won't talk to me much because he's not a morning person, more than I am not a morning person (I fake it quite well).

-Last night when I got home, Mr Siili told me his pants and shirt for said interview needed to be ironed. I replied that he'd better help me get it done before midnight because I hate ironing, esp last minute, at midnight. Guess when we I ironed his clothes, after he told me they didn't really need to be done! What kind of wife would I be to not get his clothes ironed?! Ugh.  (He read this over my shoulder as I typed it. "I'm such a martyr." Hahaha)
 
Later today:
-I'm totally freaking exhausted. I just about fell asleep while reading my book (Pride & Predjudice) on my phone at lunch. I also can't think straight.
 
-I'm also feeling a bit queasy off and on. Right now (15:45) is the worst it has been.
 
-I debated for some time whether or not I would join this month's  ICLW. In the end, I decided to sign up.
 
-Xmas shopping, making and wraping has been done since the weekend. (Really, I only had 1/2 of a gift to buy and 1 minute of the other half of the gift to sew.) I really should try to get the baking prep done soon. I'm going to make chocolate chip cookie dough and freeze it so it is easy to bake once we are at the in-laws. The coconut macaroons can wait until Thursday night to mix up and then bake at the in-laws. This year's new cookie recipe will be Chocolate Crinkles. (I reserve the right to change my mood.) I've seen them at a few different places and they look yummy.
 
-I'm very thankful Mr Siili went food shopping (we're going to have turkey tacos) so I don't have to deal with it today.
 
-I think I'm going to leave work early and go take a nap at home.

November ICLW + I've started stims for IVF #3

Welcome to International Comment Leaving Week for November.

I look forward to reading many new and familiar blogs this week. I also look forward to leaving comments wherever I go. I may not have the most witty, funny or perfect words to say, but know my heart is in the right place. May you learn something you didn't know before, find a new blog or just reacquaint yourself with a blog you hadn't read in a while. But most of all, I hope you enjoy your week of ICLW giving and receiving thoughtful comments.

Remember you still have until December 15th to submit your best post of the year to the 2011 Creme de la Creme list! It's less than a month away and with the holiday season upon us, the time is going to fly by fast!

A lot and nothing has happened this year, thankfully the year isn't over yet and a lot more can still happen. Mr Siili (my husband) and I have been trying to get pregnant for over 3 years now and we haven't achieved that yet. Not a single BFP. It's getting harder with each failed cycle, but we're keepin' on keeping on. As I mentioned in my post yesterday, I went to the clinic on Friday to see how my body is responding to Synarela (down regulation in the form of nose spray) and hopefully start the next step of IVF #3. Below is the story of that visit and a recap of past IVF cycles. (Do you realize that typing this up will take much longer than the actual appointment lasted? *laugh*)

The doctor called my name and away we went to the room. First the doctor figured out which language to conduct the appointment in: Finnish or English. Finnish, unless I don't understand, than I'll ask. The doctor asked when my period had started (Wednesday, thank you very much) and then had me get undressed. They don't mess around here. I hop up on the table and in went the wand. My lining looked good and my ovaries are inactive. Yay! I hopped off the table and put my clothes back on.

The doctor then proceeded to explain about the past two IVF cycles and why we were going to do this time. It got to be a bit too much for me and I asked if she could explain it in English. I'm so glad I did! I followed most of what she said, but there were just some things that I was able to grasp much better in English.

What she said was:
In the first IVF round one year ago, they retrieved 15 mature eggs. Of those, only 8 fertilized. The rest either didn't fertilize or too many sperm found their way to the eggs resulting in abnormal fertilization. Of those 8 that fertilized, we transferred the two best and none were frozen.

With the second IVF round earlier this year, 11 mature eggs were retrieved. Only 6 of those fertilized. The same reason was given for the ones that didn't fertilize. We again transferred two, but this time we were able to freeze 3. The following 2 FETs also failed.

Since my body has responded quite well to the hormones both times, but with a better quality of eggs during the second round of IVF, we'll continue much the same for this round. The down regulating drug, Synarela, is different and the doctors will perform ICSI in hopes of getting all eggs to fertilize, but everything is the same, I believe.

As of yesterday (Sunday), I've lowered the dose of Synarela by half and I started my ovary stimulation drug, Menopur. I'll be injecting 300IU for the next 4 days and then I'll head back to the clinic. Based on the previous 2 rounds, I'll most likely do 9 days of injections and then the retrieval date will be Friday, December 2nd. The transfer will be either on Monday the 5th or Wednesday the 7th. (My clinic is publicly funded and therefore not open on weekends or holidays; Dec. 6th is Finnish Independence.)

This means that I'll be either totally thrilled for christmas this year or I'll be totally devastated. I'm hoping for the former, but only time will tell.

And a little something to help your commenting juices to get flowing for ICLW:
What's your favorite holiday food? Is there a particular dish you're looking forward too?

For Thanksgiving in the USA, it is my mom's Osyter Balls (I need to see if my stepmom has that recipe.) and Pesto Torte. For the Finnish christmas, it is the Rutabaga Casserole and all the sweets.

End of ICLW and the work week

Friday is finally here! Saying "finally" makes it sound as if this has been a long week, when in reality, the days (and weeks) sure do seem to go by quite fast. I mean, it has been a bit busy at work this week, but still, it seems strange that Friday is here already.

-On Monday and Tuesday, we had internal auditing. Joy, oh, joy. I went to the gym for BodyBalance and BodyCombat.

-Tuesday I called the doctor to get a UTI prescription. (I think the meds are helping, but I still have pain every once in a while.)

-Wednesday, we had a going away lunch for a guy at work. His last day is Friday. I could say I'll be sad to see him go, but honestly this guy bugs the living day lights out of me. It isn't really so much of what he does or what he says, but just him. The whole package of himself. It will be different with him not there.

-Thursday, I went in to work a bit late because I needed to head to the bank in the morning. Banks are only open Monday-Friday 10am-4pm. Do you know how hard it is to get to the bank when you work? Sure, I can take time off, but often times the banks want you to do your business at the branch you opened your account at. Thankfully it only took me 20 min to withdraw money from one account (that no longer has net access, I didn't want to be charged the monthly fees), walk across the street to the other bank and deposit my money there. And I only had to wait 2 min for the bus to show up. Yay!

-Today, not much in the way of plans. I really should go to the gym today. We'll see if I'm still feeling UTI-ish or not.

-Saturday I have a costume part to attend. I'm not sure if I'll dress up as a black cat or fallen angel.
What do you think? Which one should I dress up as?

ICLW is wrapping up today. I haven't been the bestest about commenting this month, but I have posted most of the required amounts. I wonder if that is why I haven't received so many comments this week? In any case, just because ICLW is over, I don't stop commenting.

I hope your ICLW has been a good one. Did you find any new blogs to follow? Learn something new?
edited to add: I called the doctor because I was/am still feeling UTI-ish. He's called in a prescription for me and I'll pick it up after work.

October ICLW

Welcome to another round of  ICLW. Can you believe it is October already! And it's two-thirds of the way over at that! Where has this year gone?! Wait, I know that answer: IVF #2, FET #1, summer break (from medical help TTC), a work trip to Shanghai, FET #2 and now waiting for IVF #2 starting next month.

I was thinking what I could say about myself for an ICLW intro that I haven't said before here, here or here and I think I've got it! Here are some of my hopes and dreams that I want for myself.

At the top of my list:
- Get pregnant (and have a child or possibly even children).

And in no particular order:
- Learn a new language. I speak Finnish and remember some words/phrases in Spanish. I think I'd like to learn Russian or Chinese.

- Travel more. I still need to visit Scotland, Egypt, Hungary and China for a second time.

- Learn to knit as well as my mom did. I know that means I need to just pick up the needles and try some patterns, but I haven't gotten there yet. For now, I'm just wearing the hats and scarves she made.

- Build an even better relationship with my husband, Mr Siili.

- Continue practicing Taekwon-do. I loved doing it, but with going to fertility treatments, I was concerned about hits and kicks to the stomach, so I've stopped for now. I will take it up again someday.

- Open my own coffee house / used bookstore. I think this will most likely stay unrealized, but that's ok, it sure is fun dreaming about it.

What is one of your hopes or dreams?

It has taken me over 24 hours to write this post. I started yesterday while I was at work and just didn't have time. By the time I got home from work, I was too tired to get on the computer and today (Saturday), I spent my morning trying to not get up and go take care of my friend's two cats, then at the thrift store buying 9 items of clothing for 9€ and finally Mr Siili and I watched some tv shows, which leads me to just now, at 7:30 pm, to just finishing up this post. Life just gets in the way sometimes, but that is ok, most of the time.

2 more sleeps

Why do I feel like I have hardly any time for extracurricular activities?! It's not like I have been doing much after work. I haven't been going to the gym (bad me) and I sure haven't been cleaning, nor much else either. I have some things I should do, which I'm avoiding and I shouldn't avoid them. And then there are some things which I don't need to do, but have been doing, such as Mr Siili and I watching some TV shows together. Tons of fun, but not really productive. I really have to get my behind in gear this evening and tomorrow evening as I only have 2 more sleeps before I head off to China for just over 2 weeks for a work trip. I need to clean the cat litter box, do dishes, empty the camera's memory card, get some money exchanged, figure out what I want to wear while there and then pack it, finish buying a couple of small gifts, bread and who knows what else! I should check my list again. I love lists, even if I don't always follow them.

I'm starting to get to the stressed stage of traveling and I haven't even left home yet. Actually, I always get stressed just before traveling, it's once we're on the road or in the plane that I can finally calm down, because I know the plane can't leave without me if I'm in it. *big grin* I'm sure I'll start having travel-stress dreams soon. Anyone else have these types of dreams? I quite often have them when I'm visiting family in the US. I know we need to get to the airport in the morning, but I always have one last store I need to go to to buy that last item. Something happens and I'm late. Either there is a long line at the store, not everyone is where they should be, the traffic is horrendous or we just don't get to the airport on time. LOL I dream that sort of dream almost every time I'm going to travel. Thankfully none of that has happened in the waking world.

I've wanted to write more on my blog the last few days, but I just haven't felt like I had the time (see first paragraph) and I just haven't has much to say. Life is just life right now. I have had some time to do ICLW stuff, but not nearly as much as I should. I guess that needs to go on my list of things to do before I leave also.

I hope everyone is having a good ICLW. When I logged in today, I saw that I now have 30 people following me!! I truly find it too cool for words to have people following me. Thank you everyone!

August ICLW

Welcome to August's ICLW. I hope you enjoy this week, find some new blogs to follow and reconnect with old friends. I truly enjoy ICLW and look forward to it each month! I hope to see you around.

Fall has arrived here in Finland. I hope your summer has been good and warm to you (unless you are in the southern hemisphere, I hope your winter wasn't too cold). The sun is still warm when it isn't rainy, but you can definitely feel the nip and chill to the air, especially in the mornings and at night. The trees haven't started turning yet, but I'm sure they will start changing soon. Even though I love summer, I also love the colors of fall.

A tiny bit about me:
I'm 35 and Mr Siili (DH) will be 37 on Tuesday. We've been TTC for 3 years, as of this month. AF arrived today in full force, making this the start of cycle #39. We've been on break this summer from treatments and I know this cycle is completely out as I'll be out of the country during O, but cycle #40 will hopefully be an FET cycle.
If you want to read more about who I am and my TTC journey so far, you can click the tabs above.



And just because I like to share a bit of fun stuff for my intro ICLW post, here are some random questions that I found on a friend's blog:

What is bothering you right now?
My neck! I slipped and fell a week ago, went to the chiropractor on Friday and my neck spasmed this evening. It hurts like crazy! Thankfully I have another chiro appointment on Wednesday!

Do you like celebrity magazines?
No, not really.

When was the last time you were ill?
Last year some time.

Who owns you?
My cats.

One place you’d love to visit?
Scotland.

Did you skip school?
Yes.

Ever played an instrument?
Flute and a tiny bit of piano.

Favourite alcoholic drink?
I don't really like alcohol, but sometimes I'll go for a pear cider.

Do you follow fashion?
Nope.

What colour are your eyes? Do you like that colour?
Green and sometimes more grey than green. Yes!

What is the furthest you have travelled from your home? How far was it?
I grew up on the west coast of the USA and I moved to Finland. I have no idea how far that is, but it's about half way around the world

What is the coldest temperatures you have experienced? Where were you?
I've survived -30C / -22F with wind chills in Finland.

What is the hottest temperatures you have experienced? Where were you?
Probably something like 106F / 41C when I was visiting relatives in California.

Do you like long train/car journeys?
Sometimes.

Have you ever considered writing a novel?
Nope.

Have you ever punched someone in the face?
Yes. I've trained/practiced and competed in Taekwon-do.

What is your sense of humour like?
A bit of this and that.

Are you a good person?
I like to think I am.

July ICLW

International Comment Leaving Week (ICLW) is here once again! And this month, I'm ready for it. I have two more days of work and then I have 3 whole weeks of holiday (that's vacation for those of you in the USA. *grin*). This girly is going to do her best to relax and forget about work. But I also have a bunch of responsibilities that I need to take care of also. Such is life, eh?


The last day of ICLW also happens to be my birthday. I'll be 35 years old/young this year. I've decided to copy what Mel (from Stirrup Queens) did for her birthday and that is to have a reverse birthday gifting. That's right, I'd like to give some lucky reader/commenter a little handmade (by me) something. I'll post more about it on Friday or Saturday. So come back and check it out.

And, just for the fun of it, here's one of those "all about me A to Z" -things to help you get to know me a bit better. (I also think they are fun to do sometimes, although maybe not dedicate an entire post to them.)

Age - 35 years in 7 days
Bed size - Queen
Chore I hate dislike - Taking the garbage out
Dog - Had one growing up, but I only have 2 cats now
Essential start of your day - Going pee and petting Rusty-cat
Favorite color - Green, black & silver
Gold or Silver - Silver, definitely
Height - 173cm / 5'8"
Instruments - Flute in junior high
Job Title - Accounts Receivable Specialist
Kids - Trying for our first
Live - One day at a time
Mom's Name - River
Nickname - Heapher, Hessu, Battlefish, Ephalump
Overnight hospital stays - Once for my endo surgery
Pet Peeves - Noisy eaters, a dirty kitchen and paper clips, to name a very few
Quote from a movie - Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. -Princess Bride
Right or left handed - Lefty / Southpaw
Siblings - 3 younger siblings
Time you wake up - Whenever my alarm tells me to, usually sometime between 6:30 and 7:30
Underware - Can't live with them and prefer to live without them
Vegetables you dislike - Asparagus!!!!
What makes you run late - Dilly-dallying
X-rays - Besides teeth? Ankle, back/neck
Yummy food you make - Brownies, Chewey Gooey Brownie Cake, Muzzy's Cheesecake, Pulla, and oh so much more!
Zoo animals - Big cats and ravens, even though I feel guilty that any of the animals are there.

So what about you? If you do the meme put a link to it in the comments. I'd love to learn a bit about you.

June ICLW

Another month has already gone and it's time for ICLW again. I was so looking forward to this week of leaving comments, but my mother has passed away suddenly and I need to fly to the US to be with my family. I will not be able post the required daily comments and replies during this week.

I am sorry I won't be fulfilling my commitment to this month's ICLW during the time frame given, but I think you all will understand. I will make up for it and leave my comments when my life starts to resemble something closer to normalcy (and before next month's ICLW starts). I enjoy leaving comments and I love receiving them.

First ICLW a success

As the title says, this was my first time participating in ICLW and I think it was a success! I started the month with 2 followers and I now have 12. How cool is that? Somones (yes, I typed that correctly) out there actually want to read what I have to say! I've also grown the list of blogs I follow.

It has been very interesting to ready so many different blogs on similar and varying topics. I've learned some new things, shared sorrow and joy with others and all in all, just had a good time. It is great to know and feel that I am not alone in my journey (with hubby) to get pregnant and just live life. There is an amazing community out there.

Thank you to everyone who stopped by, read my blog and commented. I've enjoyed it all and can't wait to participate again next month!

Thankful Thursday

I'm feeling thankful today and it so happens to be Thursday, so this is what you get.

I am thankful...
- that tomorrow is Friday and I have a dinner date with hubby and another couple.
- for my hubby, our cats, that we have a place to live and all that "normal" stuff to be thankful for.
- for my job. Really! I like what I do and the people I work with.
- for the hot Jasmine green tea I'm drinking right now.
- for going to the gym. Even though I wasn't in the mood and it was all I could do to make myself do the kicks and punches for BodyCombat, I'm glad I went.
- for the few Reese's pieces candies I have left to eat.
- that even though this cycle didn't work, I still have at least one more IVF round in the public health care system that I can still be hopeful for in the fall.
- to still have hope. Although, I think it will take a little while to get it back in full strength.
- for my friends, although I wish I saw them more.
- for the pomegranate post written by the Stirrup Queens, it led me to ICLW.
- for all of my blog followers, comments and the IF online community I've recently found here.
- to be healthy.
- that hubby and I were able to make the first installment payment for our house. (We're much poorer now. *big grin*)
- that the pollen is mostly don't blooming and that I don't have such a red-scaly nose anymore.
- that summer is almost here and that the days are much longer!
- for my summer holiday towards the end of July. 3 whole weeks in a row!

I'm really just thankful to be here and be able to think of things I am thankful for. hehe

One of those moments

A light bulb over the head moment. An 'Aha' moment. An epiphany moment. Whatever you want to call it, I had one of those moments this evening.

My moment was the realization that I have been quite unfair to some of my friends. Two in particular. Especially during the last few years as I've been going through this maze of infertility, treatments and BFNs each month, the times when I've been feeling alone, woe is me, none of my friends know what I'm going through, so on and so forth. Tonight, I realized that is not true. My friends have been going through their own version of IF. While it isn't anything like what I'm going through, they are going through secondary IF also!

One friend has an almost 7yo boy. (When she was pregnant with him, that started my baby craze!) She has been trying ever since to have another child. She has been pregnant two more times, but both ended in mc. The other friend has an almost 2yo old girl. This little girl is a miracle. The doctors told my friend it wasn't a viable pregnancy (on multiple dr visits), gave her the prescription to end it but she didn't. She has also found out since that because of her migraines and other hormone issues, that she is very lucky her pregnancy went full term with a healthy baby.

So, while these two have a child in their life, they too are experiencing IF. That is what I didn't see. That is what just clicked and was my 'moment' tonight. We are all on the same side of different coins. They may never fully understand exactly what I am going through and I can't possibly understand their situation either, but we are all desperately wanting a(nother) child.

I am now off to share this moment with my two friends via email, because 1. it is too late to call and 2. I am such an emotional wreck tonight that I wouldn't be able to get the words out of my mouth without breaking down into huge sobs.

Two more sleeps until I officially test.

p.s. What do the numbers (#8, #44, etc) mean for ICLW comments?
p.p.s. edited to add some clarification: I've known the whole time that my friends have been TTC. It just never clicked in my mind and processed as it did last night. Even though they have a child, they are now having troubles with conceiving a 2nd child. I was narrowly seeing IF (albeit secondary IF, even for me) as "not having a kid at all".

May's ICLW

This is my first time participating in the International Comment Leaving Week (ICLW). I found Stirrup Queens' blog and everything that is attached to it about a month ago and it has been great! I am so glad I found this online community. It has been such a relief and comfort to finally find so many others out there like me. Before I found Stirrup Queens I was really feeling low and like there wasn't anyone out there like me. I know that isn't so, but when you don't know anyone who is truly going through what you are going through, this is such a lonely path. I have belonged to other online communities before (iVillage.com, for example), but have since left them for one reason or another. This community though, I feel it has so much to offer me right now and I hope to stay put.

I just recently shared condensed blog post about my TTC timeline and you can find the longer version from the tabs at the top. So I won't go into that in this post. But, while out fulfilling my ICLW duties today tonight, I did see someone had posted some confessions about themselves and I liked it, so I'm going to copy her.

Some confessions of me:
- I really enjoy getting to the end of a product, such as finishing a whole tube of chapstick, using a pen until it is gone, using the last of the dental floss.

- I collect my cat's whiskers when I find them laying around. I never pluck them from the cat!

- I am American by birth and Finnish by application/naturalization.

- I don't really miss living in the USA, but I do miss my family some. I just wish they'd contact me more instead of me being the one to initiate calls and such.

- I love my husband dearly and I will spend my life with him, but I'm not sure if he is my best friend. And I feel guilty about that sometimes.

- For years, I would collect my used contact lenses in a little jar thinking that I would turn it into an art project called "lost vision". I just recently threw it away and then this weekend when I was at the Night of the Museums, I realized that my 'vision' wasn't so far out there.

- I never really knew what I wanted to be when I grew up (I still don't). I started out college with art classes, but I never really felt that I was an artist, but more of a crafts type of person. I ended up getting a degree in International Business. I don't see myself as a business person either. How much farther can you get from one ends of the job spectrum to the other?

- I've won gold in a Taekwon-do competition for my belt level & weight class.

- I love love love reading. Especially Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series, vampires and other horror (not scary stuff though) sci-fi, fantasy and fiction. But I must read books in order. Nothing drives me more crazy than reading books out of order.

- I am easily annoyed, just ask my husband. LOL (edited to add some examples of what annoys me: repetitious noises (ping ping of the computer each time someone in the office does something or the damn baby seagulls on the building roof next to us going "peep peep peep peep peep peep" 24/7), someone chewing their gum like a cow, etc)