Later this month marks 3 years since I removed my last NuvaRing and we started TTC.
The first year wasn't so bad. I knew it could take some time before anything happened, so I wasn't worried. I also thought that because I had gotten pregnant so many years earlier, way too easily, that this time would be the same. Boy, was I naive!
The second and third year have been filled with fear, mega hormones, uncertainty and utter sadness among other things. Fear and disbelief have come from the need to go to a fertility clinic, have lots of treatments and become one of 'those' women. Disbelief that my body would let me down, especially when I knew it worked, at one point. Hormones, my own and additional ones administered to my body. Mood swings that come out of nowhere. Hormones that have at times caused me cry for the stupidest reasons and uncontrollably, snap at my husband for no or little reason, bloat and at times just feel all around miserable. (In all fairness, I've actually had it pretty easy as far as side effects from treatments go.) Uncertainty of whether the next cycle or treatment will work. The sense of hopelessness as I've gone into yet another cycle and already having the feeling of this not being the one and then AF shows to rub it in even more. Being torn between being happy for everyone else who has gotten pregnant, had their kid(s) to being utterly saddened by my lack of any sign of a positive pregnancy test.
Three years! Three years and not one single show of two lines, a smiley face or BFP. No chemical pregnancy, no ectopic, no miscarriage, no nothing. As sad as it sounds and the reality of it is, I would give anything to have been pregnant and lost it than to be in this place of never having had at all. I just want some sort of sign to show that it's even possible for me to get pregnant. I know our embryos from IVF grow in the lab, but what is happening when they are transferred back to me? Obviously nothing.
Three years and we still have nothing to show for it. That's what saddens me the most.
I was just thinking this morning that I've been awfully quiet about all things TTC during the last month. And it all boils down to summer and the month long summer break my clinic takes during July. Yup, that's right, the public health care clinic I go to closes down during the entire month of July. So while I can't affect them closing down for the month, I did decide that I can affect how it effects me. I decided that I'd make this break into a good thing. My clinic is on holiday, so I'd take a holiday from TTC too (mostly).
So far, I think I've done quite well on this break from TTC. I'm not feeling bloated from meds, I'm not seriously thinking about getting pregnant (although I have convinced Mr Siili to BD at all the right times, just in case) and I'm really just trying to enjoy summer. Especially now that MY holiday has started! I've also had a good time writing about other things besides wanting a baby. It doesn't lessen the desire, but it sure it good to have a break from obsessing (all of the time).
I will admit that when AF showed her face yesterday, I was a bit bummed. I did get down in the dumps for a short while, but I bounced back quite quickly. August is coming soon and I'll be able to call the clinic on the 1st, let them know where I'm at in my cycle and see if we could try to get a natural FET in this month. If not, then I need to see what will happen next. Will the want me to do use our last frozen embryo before moving onto IVF #3 or will we be able to jump into IVF #3 as soon as I get back from my work trip to Shanghai late Sept/early Oct? At this moment, none of that matters as it is still July.
To carry on with the July celebrations, don't forget about my Reverse Birthday Gifting giveaway! You can still sign up (at the original post) until midnight July 28th local Finnish time (UTC/GMT +3 hours). And anyone from anywhere in the world can participate. Good Luck!
I did it! I've changed the name of my blog from 'life in finland - elämä suomessa' to 'BattleFish'. I've been thinking about this for quite some time and even more so the last few days. The previous name just wasn't me. It never really felt right, nor did it encompass what I wanted. Yes, I'm still living in Finland and I don't see that changing (ever), but my life and what I am blogging is more than just being in Finland. Lately most of my posts have to do with my husband's and my journey TTC #1 (from my view point of course). But I also blather about my friends, family, daily events, thoughts, feelings, Finland and really, just whatever is happening in my world and head at the time.
This new name has a lot more meaning to it on several levels. First, BattleFish is a nickname my husband calls me sometimes. Especially when I'm in a contrary and bratty mood. He'll usually call me this when my bad-moodedness (new word) is not fully serious, but yet nothing he says or does is right and I just want to pick a fight or at least bicker. Hubby can tell me I'm being a BattleFish and it will most likely make me smile and then make it hard for me to continue on in the same manner., especially when I know I'm being a bratty. Now, if I'm truly in a fowl mood, this will only anger me more. Secondly, when I started thinking of the word(s) BattleFish, I am battling. I'm battling to get pregnant, battling to start a family, battling to keep my sanity, battling to just be me and to be happy with it. Thirdly, I quite like the name. It's cute, but not in a girly way.
The only thing I'm not quite sure I like with this new look is the background design and color. It might change in the next few days.
And on to other stuff...
This morning (afternoon), when hubby and I woke up, we laid in bed for a while discussing our cat game that we are designing. This game has been something that we've been discussing and designing for some several years now. I do hope we'll finish it someday and actually publish it.
Once we got out of bed, we went to look where our house (duplex) complex is going to be built. Right now, it is just a roughly leveled area of land. It was hubby's first time seeing it. Yes, we signed papers for the place before hubby even went to see where it was going to be built. He knew the area, but just not what it exactly looked like. He said the area for the complex is small and possibly cramped. :( It does sort of look that way, but I am confident it will be ok. In any case, it will be ours and we'll only share one very well insulated wall with someone.
Today is 4dpFET. I'm still taking Zu.menon (estradiol hemihydrate) and Lu.gesteron (pro.gesterone) 3 times a day. The pills don't bother me, but sometimes I just really can't stand the suppositories. (Do you think it makes a huge difference if I "forget" a suppository every once in a great while, just to give my lady bits a break?) I don't seem to have any of the side effects people talk about. I admit, I had to google what sort of side effects are common, as I really just don't feel anything at the moment. No sore boobs, no bloating, no more irritation or irritability than normal. For good or bad, I just feel like me.
To finish this post and evening off, hubby and I are watching the Finnish-Swedish world hockey championship. Go Finland!!!
I finally crawled into bed last night at 2am. What was I doing that kept me up so late, you ask? Well, I was procrastinating. And because other things are always so much more fun than what you should be doing, I watched this week's American Idol episodes. (I LOVE the top 4 contestants!) What I should have been doing was to finish getting some stuff ready for a flea market today (in was all vain, I only sold 1 item for 1€) and I also should have been baking a "Sweet Dreams" cake (brown sugar, pecan/walnut & coconut flavored) for the friend I was to go to the flea market with. It's her birthday on Monday, but another friend and I will celebrate it (quietly) with her this evening.
And now for the main event:
Yesterday's clinic visit was basically like many of the others I've been to. The doctor asks how I'm feeling, do I have any symptoms and then asks me to disrobe from the waist down. I hop'up on the table-bed and she does an ultra sound of my uterus. The lining is 8mm, which is good. My ovaries are sleeping and there are no growing follicles, which means the Zu.menon is doing its job. I hop off the table, get dressed and we discuss the next steps. I am to continue taking Zu.menon and add Lu.gesteron (progesterone) suppositories to the mix. I will call the clinic on the morning of the 11th to make sure my embryos thawed alive and to find out a bit more precisely when my appointment time is. If the 2 embryos that were frozen together survive, I'll have them both transferred and then I'll still have one more for the next try before needing to do a third IVF round.
I asked the doctor why she thought this second round of IVF didn't work and why I am not pregnant? Especially when most factors seem to be quite good:
- my hubby's sperm and their count are good,
- my body is responding well to the medications/hormones and
- some of the eggs did fertilize,
but, once they are inserted back in me, no pregnancy happens. The doctor didn't really have much in the way of "why" I'm not pregnant. I guess some of us just have it more difficult. (My words.) She did offer up a few suggestions after looking back at my 1st and 2nd IVF notes.
1. When the embryos are created, the sperm and eggs are able to meet freely, maybe the sperm that found their way weren't up to the job. She did suggest that if we did another round of IVF, that we have ICSI (Intracytoplasmic sperm injection) done, that way we can be more sure of a fully healthy sperm meeting a fully healthy egg.
2. It could be that my endometriosis (as if I want to claim it as mine) is preventing implantation.
3. There is no reason, unexplained.
4. She didn't think my age or the age of my ovaries was effecting this. She went on to explain that if my ovaries were "old" or that I didn't have many eggs left, we wouldn't have gotten the decent number of follicles for retrieval (15 and 11). Also, if my body had produced mass amounts (30+) of follicles, then they might be concerned with some genetic defects or at least something wrong with the eggs themselves.
So, I didn't really get a clear answer as to why I am not pregnant, yet. I just hate my body sometimes. Or maybe it hates me. Either way, I'm not happy about it. And sometimes after visits like this, neither good nor bad in nature but just is what it is, I feel quite emotional. (It could also just be hormones too.) This time was one of those times. I was feeling a bit down about all this TTC and IVF issues. Then as I was in my car driving back to work, the following song by Mustach came on the radio and it just cheered me up immensely. I hope you enjoy it too.
Angel's Share
Ain´t no one gonna bring me down
´Cause I feel like flying
Here I stand in a rocking band
And I hope you like it
Angel´s Share
I give you what I got, I hope you care
It´s the best you wanted
The best you got it here
Yes means yes, but no means no
And I never broke it
I aint the one gonna let you down
My word is spoken
Angel´s Share...
Ain´t no one gonna bring me down
´Cause I feel like flying
Here I stand with my rocking band
And I know you like it
