What a difference a year makes

I've been trying to write this post all day long, but due to my little boy, he's kept me busy and away from the computer. Which is exactly the point of this post: One year ago today, little did I know my world was going to change, for the better. It was exactly 2 weeks after my 3rd (and final) IVF protocol that I peed on a stick, two to be exact, and got a faint second line.

A year ago, I had some psychologist appointments to help me come to terms with my mom's death and more pressing the fact that I may not become a mom myself. While I didn't care for the psychologist much herself, she did raise a few good questions and help me start processing things in my head. I am so thankful that my life didn't end up that way. I'm lucky, I know it.

I am one of the very fortunate ones. Not only did I finally get the long awaited BFP, but I had a very easy pregnancy that went full term (41 weeks and 2 days), the delivery was fast and uncomplicated and Paxlet has been a wonderful child without colic or major screaming fits. I know I have it good and I never forget it.

Progesterone post

Yup, today is going to be about progesterone. All the nitty-gritty, leaky and fun funky tidbits that are on my mind and what I have to offer. Hah!

But first, I want to quickly interrupt this post to say Mr Siili survived his first day of work! Poor guy, he went to bed so late last night that he's just exhausted today. After I got home and we ate dinner, we tried watching the 2nd half of a TV show that I was falling asleep during on NYE, but he fell asleep this time. *grin* He's taking a bit of a nap now, but I hope he doesn't sleep too much so he can actually get to bed at a decent hour. Mr Siili just isn't a morning person.

Now back to my 'scheduled' post about progesterone.
Ever since the first time I had to use progesterone during a cycle, I've hated. Especially the first few rounds when I was using some synthetic stuff that if you're allergic to nuts, you shouldn't use. Well, I'm not really allergic allergic to nuts, but a few of them make my throat slightly itch, sometimes. That was enough to make my lady bits react to the synthetic stuff. I'd get quite sore, swollen and feel dried out, especially after stopping the stuff. That's on top of all the leaking! I finally mentioned it to the doctor and she switched me to the more natural stuff. (This new stuff also cost me much less too! Grr.)

The natural progesterone I've been using these last couple of cycles has been better, in the sense of no bad reaction, but it's still just as annoying to leak all the time. BUT, now when a cycle has actually worked and I know the progesterone is doing a job, I find myself not minding the progesterone as much. Sure, I still grumble a bit about the leaking, especially when it leaks onto my undies. Urgh. But, it's something that I can tolerate (most of the time), even if I do majorly look forward to the day I can stop the suppositories!

I finally found panty liners/pads that I can live with during the day. They are still not something that I'd choose to use voluntarily, but they do their job, stay in place and aren't too bulky. The night ones are still bulky and annoying. Plus, I think it'd just work better if I wore an adult diaper instead. LOL
. o O (Hey honey, check me out! *Wiggles a bulky behind in Mr Siili's general direction* ROFL)

I mentioned the other day that I've finally figured out how to prevent most of the soreness to my lady bits. I believe what was making me raw and scrached-feeling-like inside my lady bits was a dry finger dragging along my vaginal wall. Ouch! So, these days I quickly run my finger under (warm) water just before inserting the progesterone. No more pain for me! Oh, and for the times when I still get a bit sore or irritated, a quick rinse of my lady bits works many times and when that doesn't work a bit of hydrocortisone rubbed on the lady bits works wonders too!

Another not so fun thing about the progesterone is that it has to be kept refrigerated. How does one do that while at work? I definitely don't have my own personal fridge next to my desk... So, I just keep a cute little Tupperware container (no name on it) with my suppositories in it. Hopefully people are leaving them be. At least I'm not noticing the numbers dwindling faster than I'm using them.

What brought this post about today was the fact that I forgot my pads at home. So, I asked a friend/co-worker if she had any to spare. Thankfully she did! But, she also said she was sorry for the reason I needed them. I told her it wasn't for AF, but for progesterone and that was all that was said on that topic.

So, I'm hoping and keeping my fingers (and legs) crossed that I only have one more week of progesterone to deal with. I have my first doctor's appointment next week's Monday! Time sure is going by so slowly and yet quickly.

I can't believe it! Those BFPs are mine!!!

I tested twice this morning and didn't or just couldn't believe that those faint second lines were actually BFP lines. They had to be evaporation lines (even though it had been less than 10 min since I tested).

On my way to work I went and bought a different kind of test and held my pee for the next several hours. But before I tested at work, I called my clinic to see what happens next if I am indeed pregnant. I told the nurse that I wasn't sure if the tests I did in the morning were positive or not and that I was going to test again later today. The nurse said I should just wait until tomorrow! As if I could do that!! I mean, I probably will test again tomorrow, but no way was I going to only/just wait until then to re-test.

I tried asking about betas being taken, but I have no idea what they would be called in Finnish, so I only mentioned blood tests. She said that a blood test would reveal the same results as a home test. When I explained to the nurse in more detail (using many small Finnish words) what I meant by 'blood test' and 'beta', she said they don't do that at this clinic, they have too many patients for that. I still have no idea if they do beta draws in Finland at all or if this is just a public clinic standard. Oh well, no betas for me. Well, unless I start spotting or there are other complications, then I'll get betas taken. Let's hope the later doesn't happen.

I was also informed to continue taking the progesterone (that I knew) and to call again on Monday with the "official" results. At that point, if I truly am pregnant, an appointment will be made in 3 or so weeks (January sometime) to see how everything is going. O M G! I would really have to wait that long to be seen? Oh well, that's how it is done at this clinic. If there is anything I have learned about IF treatments, they vary considerably from clinic to clinic and especially around the world.
And this is what I got when I tested just after lunch. A huge freaking BFP!!

I still don't believe! Or rather, I do believe it, but not really.

I know my news is going to be hard for many and for that I'm so very sorry. (I won't be offended or hurt (not much at least *hugs*), for those of you who need to un-follow me.) This isn't the end of IF for me and my struggles won't just go away. There have been way too many tears for all of it to just be forgotten. It's been almost 3,5 years that we've been trying to get even this far. This is just the beginning of a new phase in this whole 'trying to get pregnant' process and I know that nothing is ever certain. I've followed too many other IFers through their journey to know the facts of it all. This very well could end sadly at any moment. But, until something changes, I'm going to try and wrap my head around this new information and try not to offend too many. At the same time, know that this is my blog and my journey, I write here what I feel I need to. This blog has given me the outlet I've needed when things have been their worst (and best). Then, when I found this wonderful IF and ALI community via the Stirrup Queens' blog earlier this year, I just can't imagine my life without you all. Thank you for your support and kind words.
I can't believe I rambled on this much... (Mr Siili could.)

One more sleep

It's been a pretty good day today, after I finally woke up. I've not been getting much sleep lately with going to bed late because we've been working on loan and insurance stuff and then waking up (too) early for work. Last night and this morning were no different. *yawn* But the day itself hasn't been half bad.

My lady bits were so raw and sore last night from the progesterone, I was ready to just stop taking it all together. I know, so close to the finish line, I could stick it out...but I just didn't want to. But I did! I did cheat a little and sort of "missed" one dose, but my lady bits sure are thanking me for it. And now, I've got just one more sleep before I can POAS, less than 24 hours (more like 14 hours) to find out it is a BFN and stop my progesterone! I'm so freaking excited!

In other news, Mr Siili had an interview today and HE GOT THE JOB!!!!! The company only sent him an email last night asking if he would be available for an interview today, but he didn't get the email until quite late. So he woke up early (for him) this morning and replied. The company called him back and he was in the interview by noon and called me by 13:30 telling me he had the job if he wanted it. I'm so freaking thrilled! I hope he likes the job!

I spent 2.5 hours during work today (on my own time) going to 2 different insurance companies and chatting with them. *phew*

And now, in 5 minutes, I'm leaving work to head to BodyCombat! It's been weeks since I've gone. There is a new program and I want to experience it a few times before my gym membership runs out at the end of the month. (Part of cutting back on expenses. My work has a gym downstairs with machines, but no classes.)

One last announcement. If you haven't signed up for this year's Creme de la Creme list, do it! Today is the last day (until 11:50 EST) to get your entry in the list that is published on January 1st.

1 lonley frozen embryo + Xmas Quiz

I'm just so bummed right now, that I just don't have it in me to write a proper post. I got my letter in the mail on Friday that out of the 5 embyros we left growing the week before, only 1 of them made it to 5 days and into the freezer. One embryo! Only one! I'm so sad.

It's also only 4 more sleeps until I POAS. Time has passed..not slowly and not quickly, but just passed. Bleh.

Enough of this blah-ness, here's some fun xmas questions that the annoyed army wife recently posted that are sure to cheer everyone up, myself included. Hohohoho!

Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot chocolate, only because there isn't egg nog in Finland, unless I make my own and that is gross! I wouldn't drink much egg nog if I did get a hold of it, but a taste would be great. It's been way too long.

Colored lights on tree/house or white? None. We don't own any xmas lights. I do have puukynttelikkö (image below), which is a candelabra sort of thing that is very popular here in Finland. I just need to remember to dig it out of our closet and plug it in.

Xmas goats, Ms Mansi & puukynttelikkö

Do you hang mistletoe?  I don't think there is mistletoe in Finland. So, nope, we don't hang it here.

When do you put your decorations up? Uhm, when I have a kid. I almost forgot, I do sometimes make a gingerbread house. Below is last year's.

What is your favorite holiday dish? Do I really have to choose one? I love the rossoli salad (mentioned in this post), rutabaga and sweet potato casserole and all of the sweets! I also love my mom's pesto torta (recipe in this post).

Favorite Holiday memory as a child? Maybe the year all of us cousins were at grandma and grandpa's house for xmas. We saw Rudolf's nose in the distance, heard sleigh bells and hoof noises on the roof! It was so exciting!!

When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I have no clue. I just know that we had to pretend there was a Santa for our youngest brother.


Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Growing up, we'd get to open one smallish gift on xmas eve. In Finland, Santa comes on xmas eve (kids get to meet him) and leaves all of the gifts. So, we open them all on xmas even and sleep in on xmas day.


How do you decorate your Christmas tree? I've never had a tree of my own since I've lived away from home. I also don't care for decorating it, so my mother-in-law usually does it.

Snow! Love it or Dread it?  At the beginning of the season, I love it. Give me until January or February, I'll tell you a different story.

Do you remember your favorite gift?  The two toys that come to mind are the Rubik's magick, which I still have, anda Magical Musical Thing (mine was blue). You could play it with your head (running the bar/stick back and forth).

What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?  Sweets and more sweets! I make tons of different cookies each year. Chocolate chip are always there.

What is your favorite holiday tradition? Family time.

Candy Canes: Yuck or Yum? I can eat about 1 peppermint and that's all. Other flavors, I might be able to eat a few more. Although, you only find a few (peppermint) candy canes here at all.

Favorite Christmas movie? I'm not that big on xmas movies, but maybe The Snowman is ok.

Saddest Christmas Song?  One Tin Solder

What is your favorite Christmas song? See above. I think we sang this in elementary school choir and it has just stuck with me ever since. I love the story of it.

In the 1WW and some candid thoughts

So, uhm, yeah, next week on Friday morning, I get to POAS if AF hasn't already shown up. I guess we'll see what happens, won't we?

At this point in time, I'm feeling totally indifferent to it all. I'm not excited about the possibility of being pregnant, if anything I'm sort of dreading it. I know! Who would have thunk, that after almost 3,5 years of trying to get pregnant, that I'd dread getting pregnant? I have my reasons though and I'm going to share them with you.

First off, I've been thinking about it for some time now that maybe we/I should take a break from TTC. I mean, it has been almost 3,5 years, with close to 2 of those years adding hormones to my body. Also, once we've gone through our 3 rounds of IVF and any FETs at the public clinic, I'm done. If we wanted to continue with fertility treatments, we'd need to go through a private clinic. I'm not sure Mr Siili will agree to that. I'm afraid he'll say we have tried what we can and if 3 rounds, what more can be done? I'm also afraid he won't be willing to shell out the added cash any more.

Also, I worry at times that maybe Mr Siili and I just won't make a good family. We argue over the stupidest of stuff. Thankfully not too often. But many of our heated discussions are over the same exact things that we've been discussing for years on end. We just don't seem to know how to resolve them. Mr Siili doesn't want to go to counseling and I'm too chicken and lazy to go on my own. I'm also not sure if Mr Siili really wants to be a dad. Sure, if it happens he'd step up to the plate and be a great dad, most of the time. But then there are those times that worry me a bit.

More recently, finances. We're in the process of talking to banks to see if we can get a loan for our new place. A loan that will own us for the next 23-25 years! And right now, we're operating off of one income, some unemployment and some savings, but savings only go so far. Especially with a loan looming. I also haven't been the bestest about finances and making a financial plan. That's not to say that I've been totally horrible either, just not as good and efficient as I should be. Yes, I know I work in the finance department at my work, but I work in a specific area and with specific tasks. Yes, I also know I went to Int'l Business School, but a lot of what they taught us there was crap and not always useful in the day to day world. Sad, but true.

Along this finance line of thought, Mr Siili is concerned that I'm trying to make my decision to stop TTC for a while a "financial decision", which he says it isn't. We aren't trying to get pregnant for the sake of saving money or to gain money. Money is just money and it is something we need to live, but at the same time it shouldn't stop us from living life (to an extent).

To tie all of these thoughts and concerns together, I've been trying to come to terms with the fact that I may never become a mom. (No, I don't think adoption is an option for us.) This scares the crap out of me. I'm not ready to think this or admit this might be a possibility, but I really do think I need to start thinking about it. Right this instant, I don't feel as if I could live a fulfilled life without a kid and that's a pretty bad place to be. So, in trying not to get my hopes up or let my hopes down, I'm indifferent. I'd also like to know whether or not I need to continue leaking progesterone from my lady bits on a daily basis or not. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'll be elated (and worried) if I do get a BFP next week.

Transfer day for IVF #3

Today, December 2nd, I had two embryos transferred back into me, but before I share the details on that, I want to update on what went on since I last posted.

The bus ride on Wednesday morning wasn't so bad. The bus was full, but I had a book with me to read (the last pages of Incubus Dreams, by Anita Blake). We arrived about 10 minutes early (8:20am) and there was no one at the reception to sign in, so I went pee. By the time I came out, Mr Siili was gone (to give his sample, I figured) and a nurse was waiting to escort me back.

As soon as I walked into the back area, I was told to take the 1mg of Panadol they had set out for me, get my shoes, pants and undies off and the dressing gown on. Next I got my IV inserted for antibiotics, which I get every time because of endometriosis. As the nurse did the IV, I asked about the possibility of getting progesterone injections, but they don't do those in Finland. Bummer. Then it was time to relax (and start reading The Other Handy by Chris Cleave) while the antibiotics dripped. Mr Siili joined me again. The nurse had a difficult time getting the antibiotic drip off and I bled all over the dressing gown. She had me change to a clean one. Then it was time to be harvested.

The retrieval went quite quickly and without any hitches. I was given two syringes of pain meds (morphine or something else along those lines) and then the nurses and doctor finished getting ready to do their stuff. There was some pinches and pokes that did hurt, but not nearly as bad as last time. One of my ovaries was playing hard to get and took a bit more maneuvering to get to, which caused the doctor to press the wand quite uncomfortably, almost painfully, against my clitoris. Thankfully it didn't last too long. Then the other ovary and it was all done. I was told they had collected 10 eggs.

Back at my bed, I unsteadily crawled onto the bed. The nurse tried telling me something about pain meds, but I just couldn't understand what she was saying in Finnish. Mr Siili explained it for me. haha. I told Mr Siili he could head home, as I was fine. I guess I told him a bunch of other things too, but I have no idea what they were and he couldn't quite understand me. Mr Siili stuck around for a bit longer and then caught the next bus home. I slept for a while until the nurse woke me and asked how I was doing. I asked for pain meds, which helped. I slept some more. Again, a while later, the nurse asked how I was doing and I told her I'd like to sleep a bit longer. Around 11am I dragged myself out of sleep and sat up to eat my snack I had brought with me (as instructed). I let my friend know I'd call her in a bit to let her know when I was ready to head home. The nurse came and talked to me, confirmed 10 eggs retrieved and gave me papers to go home.

My friend picked me up just after 11:30 and drove me home. Once home, I crawled into bed and slept many hours. Mr Siili had appointments to be at, so I was home with the cats. I got tired of laying in bed, so I plugged the TV in for the first time since spring and watched some stupid stuff. I was just too bloated and in pain to move much. Thankfully the pain meds they gave me seemed to still most of my coughing. That was a relief!!

Thursday Mr Siili and I sat around and watched TV shows _all_ day. It was very relaxing.

Today, I went in at 11am for the transfer, with a not so full bladder (bad me). I did drink water, I guess it just hadn't gotten to my bladder yet. Out of the 10 eggs, 8 fertilized although one of those didn't look so good. They transferred 1 excellent and 1 good embryo to me today. That leaves 5 embryos growing over the weekend and they will see what will be frozen on Monday.

Only time will tell what happens with this cycle. I can test on December 16th. I'm not feeling anything at the moment, except still a bit bloated and sore. I'm thinking that if this cycle doesn't work, we'll take some time off before trying the possible FETs. Mr Siili doesn't know this, but it will be ok for him either way, so long as I am ok with it. I think I will need a break for a while after this. I'm not sure how long of a break. But at least until I go stir crazy again.

It's a free day

No, I don't mean I was free from work, in fact, it has been a long day at work. Rather, I didn't and don't have to snort anything or inject myself with something today. It's the day before my retrevial! I'm definitely feeling bloated. Pregnyl gave me a bruise last night, but it looks more of a red spot than a bruise. It is sore though.

I'm also extremely exhausted from not sleeping much last night because I coughed up a lung. You know the type of cough where you are almost going to throw up because of it? Yeah, that was me most of the night. In fact, my coughing today has only been a notch lower than that. I sick and tired of coughing!

I don't look forward to stuffing something in my lady bits starting tomorrow, espcially since I've been dealing with a yeast infection lately. I've had enough of stuff leaking out of me to last a life time! But, if this ends up being for a good reason, I _think_ can live with it. *grin* I do think I'll ask about PIO, though.

On the plus side, I've not had to evade any questions from co-workers about why I suddenly need 3 days off at the busiest time of the month and with 2-3 others off already. They all just seemed to take it in stride and gave me well wishes to get better. So, maybe being sick and sounding like I was spreading the plague at work has worked with me this time.

In any case, I'm off from work Wednesday and Thursday. We'll see how I feel by Friday whether I go back to work or not. I'm not looking looking forward to going to the clinic by bus, as it 20-30 minutes to our trip there. But I also respect (sort of) Mr Siili's non-desire to drive. We'll make it there in any case, most likely grumpy and not talking because it is too early for Mr Siili to be awake and I'll be chattering away. LOL

No more stims and retrieval soon!

I so didn't mean to go this long without posting, nor to be totally absent from ICLW. I feel bad on both accounts, but at the same time, sometimes life takes over and we have to do what we have to do. Mr Siili and I have been crazily working on our financial stuff to get ready to ask for a bank loan in hopes that we can get one for our new place. So, that has pretty much taken precedence over everything else lately. I have been thinking of everyone (and I will reply to all comments!) when I haven't had my head full of numbers and fog from being sick. Yeah, I've been sick too. Anyway, while I'm stealing a few minutes from work, I'll try to update you all on where I am (we? I'm the one being stuck each day, hubby isn't doing a thing!) on the IVF schedule.

As I left off on Thursday, I had 3 appointments on Friday. The first was with a therapist/psychologist. I'm still processing what went on, but I'm not sure I'm convinced. The third appointment (yes, I'm skipping around) was with the work nurse to check out my throat and coughing. I didn't have white stuff in the back of my throat, nor a fever, so most likely no strep-throat. I made an appointment for Monday to go back if I still wasn't feeling well. The 2nd appointment of the day was with my fertility clinic.

At the fertility clinic, the ultrasound showed that I have 1+2 follicles on my right ovary and 3+3 on my left. (The first number is the bigger, more mature follicles and the second number is the slightly smaller ones.) That's only 9 little follicles. I'm a bit sad at the number. I know, I know, it only takes one... My body is responding much faster than the previous times, so my retrieval date has been bumped up again, this time to Wednesday, November 30th! The timing couldn't be worse at work! But, what's a girl to do?! I can't control my hormones, it's the doctors' fault!

While at the IVF appointment, I asked about the intense sensitivity of my lady bits. They have been so sensitive, so much so that it is almost painful. I look healthy down there (as agreed by the doctor) and no yeast infection looking stuff, so it could just be from the Menopur and Synarela. But as the weekend wore on, I just got more sore and more milky white stuff leaking, but still not yeasty. I used some cortizone cream to make myself comfortable until Monday.

Saturday was the pikkujoulut (little christmas) for all the girls on my husband's side of the family. I organized it this year, so it was in my own town. Yay for not having to take a bus or train 2 hours somewhere. Some of us met at the museum to see the Lady Ostapeck exhibit that is in town. Very interesting lady! She's American born to Finnish parents and has had a life. Her photos are beautiful and so are the dresses she has made. Then us girls went to dinner at a local pub (they brew their own beer) and chatted. It was a decent evening, but all of the girls my age have kids, so guess what the topic was about most of the evening?

Sunday was spent recovering and working more on finance stuff and trying not to cough my brains or lungs out. Mr Siili and I also had a long-ish and good discussion about life and how we view things. He still finds it scary that I say I don't think I can live my life, happily, without a kid. Although, I do know that if the day comes that I for sure won't be able to have kids, I'll have to try to learn to live with a new 'happy'. But I'm not there yet. But I find it just as scary his view on what he expects or doesn't expect from life or at least what he has learned to not to expect from it and still go on being ok and hopefully happy with it.
We got some snow during the late evening, but it was so wet that it didn't stick at all. At least not in my part of town. I can't wait for the snow to arrive!

Today, I made my way back to the work doctor's office (actual doctor, not nurse this time) and got a prescription for my throat infection and I also got something for my yeast infection. Yes, I could have just gone and bought something over the counter, but getting a prescription for it, I only have to pay 1,50€ instead. So, I'm even more medicated now, but hopefully on the mend.

As for IVF stuff. I injected my last Menopur shot last night and my last nose spray of Synarela this morning. Tonight I have a double dose (only of the powder, not the liquid) of Pregnyl, ovulation simulation. I'm not feeling as bloated and crampy as I have in the past, especially with IVF #2, but I am feeling it. My symptoms are nothing like what others have descriped, thankfully. I think yesterday is when I started noticing more symptoms: crampy, bloating!, very sore nipples and  hormonal-moodiness and the need to pee all the time (that's a new one for me).

--
I ran walked quickly from work to the gym for BodyBalance. I opted out of BodyCombat this week feeling it would be just a bit too much, with bloating and a cold. Now I can finish this post. BodyBalance was an easy class and it felt good, except for one thing we did: the Rocking Horse Pose/Upward Bow. You know the one where you lie on your stomach, reach your hands back to grab your ankles and rock. Well, uhm, that was so not comfortable for multi-follicle me. 
--

We're going to the retrieval appointment on Wednesday by bus. I could drive us there, but Mr Siili doesn't want to drive us home. He's doesn't like driving, especially with the weather being slushy/icy/snowy unpredictable right now. Mr Siili also has an interview on Wednesday, which means he needs to be back in our part of town earlier to take a nap get ready for it. So we'll go by bus and I have a friend that will pick me up afterward, if I'm done early enough before noon.

Wish me luck! I'm keeping you all in my thoughts! I hope my life calms down a bit so I can blog and comment again regularly.

Happy Turkey-day (or stim day 5)

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope you are able to find many things you are thankful for this year and during this holiday season. I do have many things to be thankful for, but this time of the year has always been a bit bittersweet ever since I moved so far away from my family. The holidays just aren't the same as what they used to be. We don't have Halloween or Thanksgiving here in Finland, but we do have Christmas, even if it isn't celebrated the same as in the USA.

Thanksgiving has been touched with a drop of sorrow since my grandma died in 1990. She was my favorite grandma and only 66 (3 days short of her 67th birthday). My mom's mom died Thanksgiving eve in her sleep. I was 14 years old and all of us grandkids had just spent the summer with her that year. I am thankful for that summer, but I still wish I had more time with her. (Isn't that always the case about the deceased?) My last conversation with my grandma was about how she was thinking of getting her ears pierced! I remember thinking how cool she was for wanting to get them pierced even though she was old. This was also the grandma that "hired" an 18 year old boy/man to take us kids to the pool and hang out with us that summer. My mom never could believe that her mom would hire such a boy (Mormon, sweet and innocent that he was!) to watch after us kids, especially since I WAS 14 and noticing boys. LOL

This year is going to be tinged with more bitter than sweet as it is the first year without my mom. I'm still missing her, a lot!

Right now is feeling much worse because of Thanksgiving, hormones from IVF and stress with finances for our new place we are trying to buy. I haven't been sleeping well or enough the last few nights. I'm fighting off a cold, which I hope doesn't get any worse, because I just can't miss work (but if it comes down to it, I will miss it and that's that). I do have my first appointment with a therapist tomorrow morning. I'm quite nervous about it and I'm also quite sure I'll leave there with puffy eyes. I also have another clinic appointment to see how things are progressing with the hormones. I'm worried that maybe I shouldn't be trying to get pregnant right now with the stress of buying our place, I'm not sure we have enough money and having a kid won't make it any easier. Bleh, I hate feeling so horrible.

To end this post in a slightly more positive note, I'd like to say I'm thankful for each and every person who reads and comments on my blog. I appreciate every single word!! (I know I'm being totally horrible this month about reading and commenting for ICLW. I'm sorry.) I'm also thankful for my husband who puts up with all of my shit (and there is a lot of it). And most of all, I'm just trying to be thankful for everything. It's not always easy, but I've got to keep trying.

Day 3 of Menopur injections

It might be day 3 of injections, but so far I've only done 2 injections. The 3rd one will be later this evening after I leave work. (I'm done with work, emails and chat closed, but I decided to quickly write up this post at work instead of at home.) And I'm quite sure I'm already feeling some effects of the Menopur. I guess I shouldn't wonder too much, I am injecting 300IU each night and that is more than the recommended dose on the instruction sheet that came with the package. So far, I'm feeling a few twingy-twangy feelings in my ovaries, mostly the right side. My abdomen is sore exactly where I've done the injections, although surprisingly enough, no visible bruising, yet. I still do get mini-headaches off and on. I'd say that isn't bad at all in the way of side effects. But I know there is more to come.

In non-IVF related news, I went to the gym yesterday and I'm quite sore! I went to BodyBalance and BodyCombat. My favorite two classes! We did tons of punches in Combat and now my neck and shoulders are sore. This isn't a very nice sore feeling this time either. I also think I'm coming down with a cold. I'm feeling quite feverish and my throat is a bit scratchy. I hope it goes away if I can get a good night's rest tonight. I'm too swamped at work to miss any days!

Speaking (typing?) of work, I mentioned previously that my harvest date is scheduled for Friday, December 2nd. That couldn't be a worse date for me to miss work. There are several people out of the office and it is day 2 of month end closing, the most important day for my tasks. (I working in finance.) Scratch that, there are worse days, but this one is pretty bad also. I've already told my boss that I'll be out of the office on this day, with a doctor's note excusing it, and that I can't change it. Sorry! I didn't have to tell her and I could have just called that morning saying I wasn't coming in, but I'm nice that way.

Today, Mel at Stirrup Queens has posted her Annual Thankfulness Virtual Meal. I love this idea and I was excited to participate! (I was even the first commenter! lol) I'm so very thankful for Mel and everything she has done to make this ALI community what it is. I found this community less than a year ago and I just can't imagine how I would have survived this year without it. My list of blogs that I follow has grown by leaps and bounds. There are so many women that I can't wait until they post a new post. I so look forward to what they have to say and how their journey is going. Even when someone else has gotten their BFP! It just might mean that it is a bit harder for me to share in their enthusiasm, but that is a reflection on myself, not on the fortunate women themselves.

Mel asked everyone to share what they are bringing to the potluck-meal. The first thing that came to my mind was my mom's Pesto Torta. This is so easy to make, yet so very delicious! It was joked sometimes that my mom wasn't invited to a party unless she'd bring this (or her oyster stuffing balls at Thanksgiving). I made it several years ago for christmas to see what my in-laws thought of it. It was a hit and they've asked for it every year since. I think I would have made it even if they didn't like it so much because I love it. I am definitely going to continue making it, espeically now that my mom is gone. Although, now I think it will be made with a bit of tears and sorrow along with happiness.

Here's the basic recipe that my mom taught to me. There aren't any set amounts or measurements, we have always just mixed a bit of this and a bit of that and it turns out delish!

Pesto Torta by Robbin River Sky
Ingredients:
Red Layer
Sun dried tomatoes
     - reconstituted in warm water, then drained OR drained of oil; finely chopped

White Layer 
Cream cheese layer

     - cream cheese
     - parmesian (my mom used a 2nd cheese, but I can't remember what it was)
     - sour cream (unflavored yogurt)

Green Layer
Pesto layer
For the homemade type, puree the following in a blender:
     - olive oil (add enough that you get a nice sauce consistency)
     - fresh basil
     - pine nuts or cashews
     - a garlic piece or two
     - parmesian


Directions:
1. Prepare the 3 layers in separate bowls. The white layer should thicker than the sour cream, but not as thick as cream cheese.
2. In a shallow-ish dish (I use the lid to one of my round casserole dishes*) sprinkle some pine nuts in the dish (optional) then spread a nice layer of the tomatoes.
3. Next, gently spread on the white layer and then the green layer on top.
4. If possible, refridgerate over night for the flavors to mingle.
5. Before serving, let it warm just a little bit so that you can easily flip the torta out of the container you made it in. Flip the torta in a serving dish and serve with water crackers, bread or anything else you want to eat it with.

I love eating this with my turkey, potatoes and anything else I'd use pesto with.
May this become a favorite at your house!


*I know I have a picture of this at home, I'll update it later this evening.

November ICLW + I've started stims for IVF #3

Welcome to International Comment Leaving Week for November.

I look forward to reading many new and familiar blogs this week. I also look forward to leaving comments wherever I go. I may not have the most witty, funny or perfect words to say, but know my heart is in the right place. May you learn something you didn't know before, find a new blog or just reacquaint yourself with a blog you hadn't read in a while. But most of all, I hope you enjoy your week of ICLW giving and receiving thoughtful comments.

Remember you still have until December 15th to submit your best post of the year to the 2011 Creme de la Creme list! It's less than a month away and with the holiday season upon us, the time is going to fly by fast!

A lot and nothing has happened this year, thankfully the year isn't over yet and a lot more can still happen. Mr Siili (my husband) and I have been trying to get pregnant for over 3 years now and we haven't achieved that yet. Not a single BFP. It's getting harder with each failed cycle, but we're keepin' on keeping on. As I mentioned in my post yesterday, I went to the clinic on Friday to see how my body is responding to Synarela (down regulation in the form of nose spray) and hopefully start the next step of IVF #3. Below is the story of that visit and a recap of past IVF cycles. (Do you realize that typing this up will take much longer than the actual appointment lasted? *laugh*)

The doctor called my name and away we went to the room. First the doctor figured out which language to conduct the appointment in: Finnish or English. Finnish, unless I don't understand, than I'll ask. The doctor asked when my period had started (Wednesday, thank you very much) and then had me get undressed. They don't mess around here. I hop up on the table and in went the wand. My lining looked good and my ovaries are inactive. Yay! I hopped off the table and put my clothes back on.

The doctor then proceeded to explain about the past two IVF cycles and why we were going to do this time. It got to be a bit too much for me and I asked if she could explain it in English. I'm so glad I did! I followed most of what she said, but there were just some things that I was able to grasp much better in English.

What she said was:
In the first IVF round one year ago, they retrieved 15 mature eggs. Of those, only 8 fertilized. The rest either didn't fertilize or too many sperm found their way to the eggs resulting in abnormal fertilization. Of those 8 that fertilized, we transferred the two best and none were frozen.

With the second IVF round earlier this year, 11 mature eggs were retrieved. Only 6 of those fertilized. The same reason was given for the ones that didn't fertilize. We again transferred two, but this time we were able to freeze 3. The following 2 FETs also failed.

Since my body has responded quite well to the hormones both times, but with a better quality of eggs during the second round of IVF, we'll continue much the same for this round. The down regulating drug, Synarela, is different and the doctors will perform ICSI in hopes of getting all eggs to fertilize, but everything is the same, I believe.

As of yesterday (Sunday), I've lowered the dose of Synarela by half and I started my ovary stimulation drug, Menopur. I'll be injecting 300IU for the next 4 days and then I'll head back to the clinic. Based on the previous 2 rounds, I'll most likely do 9 days of injections and then the retrieval date will be Friday, December 2nd. The transfer will be either on Monday the 5th or Wednesday the 7th. (My clinic is publicly funded and therefore not open on weekends or holidays; Dec. 6th is Finnish Independence.)

This means that I'll be either totally thrilled for christmas this year or I'll be totally devastated. I'm hoping for the former, but only time will tell.

And a little something to help your commenting juices to get flowing for ICLW:
What's your favorite holiday food? Is there a particular dish you're looking forward too?

For Thanksgiving in the USA, it is my mom's Osyter Balls (I need to see if my stepmom has that recipe.) and Pesto Torte. For the Finnish christmas, it is the Rutabaga Casserole and all the sweets.

It's been a good couple of days: a movie, clinic appointment, pikkujoulu and RHCP

Things have been going a bit better. No more headaches, or at least not as bad as earlier this week. I still have the stressors in my life (who doesn't?), but they too aren't getting me down as bad as they were earlier this week. I'm try to work on things so that they aren't so stressful. We'll see how it works.

As I last mentioned, I went and saw Breaking Dawn part 1 on Thursday/Friday night, 4 minutes after midnight. Let me tell you, the movie was great!!! I think it followed the book quite well and everything was just beautiful. I definitely can't wait to see it again, although, I'll wait until it comes out on DVD, because I just don't want to pay movie theater prices to see it again. Some of the gals I went to the movie with, myself included, sure did feel old at the midnight showing. Most of the girls there were young, but I guess that was to be expected. It didn't take away the enjoyment of the movie at all. I did feel sorry for most of the handful of guys there, especially the older man who was obviously there with is daughter and friends. At least I hope that was the situation! There was one young emo-goth guy in pink with sparkly hair, I didn't feel sorry for him. I just giggled. I know, it makes me a bad person.

Friday I had the day off from work. It was so needed! I slept in until around 11am. (I only crawled into bed at 3am.) Once I woke up and got dressed, I headed to my clinic appointment. It was a good appointment with lots of information updated and explained to me. (The full clinic appointment details will be posted tomorrow for day 1 of November ICLW.) After the appointment I went to pick up my ovary stimulation injection drugs that I'll start today. And then it was back home to get ready for the evening's pikkujoulut.

Pikkujoulut means little christmas, which is the term for chistmas parties. In this case, it was my work's christmas party. This year's party was to be held at a local night club smack dab downtown. It was a cozy venue with only (~400) people from our company present. (Last year we shared the venue with 3-4 other companies and the live band/singer sucked!) There was a dj playing music before and after the American comedian. The comedian was quite funny, although some of his jokes were quite..American and, in my opinion, tasteless. They still got laughs, but he didn't really need to swear so much. I guess the American in me isn't so dominant anymore. He was funny and I liked his act, don't get me wrong.

The food was yummy and I ate a huge plate full. What? I hadn't eaten all day. And I'm never one to pass up on food! There was quite a traditional Finnish spread: ham, rosolli (beetroot) salad, salmon lox, mushroom salad, carrot casserole, potato casserole, rutabaga casserole and puff pastry stars with plum jam for dessert.
We each received 3 drink tickets as we entered the venue. No soda for me this year, I actually drank 3 ciders!! No, I didn't get drunk. Especially not with my tummy full of food and all the dancing I did.

I had such a blast. I danced danced danced* and then I switched shoes with a friend (she had high heels and I had pumps) and we danced danced danced some more. I'm not one for being out late and at clubs, but when you've got a bunch of people you know around, it was just too much fun to pass up. I am trying to block out the images of some of the drunk people, but that happens every year. You know, what happens at the pikkujoulu, stays at the pikkujoulu. I caught the 1:10am bus home.
*I just had to share this cute kitty cat dance.

To make a great day and night even better, a friend was able to purchase me an advance sales Red Hot Chili Pepper's ticket!!! That's right, I'm going to see RHCP in concert next August 1st. They are coming to MY TOWN. The ONE band that I have wanted to see for ever and ever and they are coming here! You'll here more about this later one, I'm very sure of it.

Saturday was spent being lazy, going to sauna and making soup for dinner. Today was almost as lazy, but we actually made it out of the house to go take pictures of our new place and buy milk. This next couple of weeks is going to be busy and I'm not sure I'm really looking forward to it. It'll be what it will be though.

Headache

Tomorrow marks 1 week of taking the nose spray, Synarela, for IVF #3 and I think it is giving me headaches. I've never been one to get headaches, even when the doctors tell me I should. But I've had little niggling ones the last few days and today I've had a non-stop headache since around 3pm. It comes and goes in intensity, but it is always there. And it really sucks, but hey, I did say I'd do almost anything to get pregnant...

So, I think I'll actually crawl into bed early tonight. But before I do, here are a few things I found from Pinterest today.

Source: wallpaperbase.com via Dani on Pinterest

Source: netvibes.com via amanda on Pinterest

Source: page2rss.com via nd on Pinterest

Source: blessedwildapplegirl.tumblr.com via Amy on Pinterest

Adoption is not the be all and end all

AAaaaaaaaaaargh!

I have a coworker that knows some of our TTC journey, yet the last few times we have spoken about the topic, she keeps saying that we should just adopt, because then we'd get pregnant. It makes me want to scream!! This evening I tried telling her all the stuff that we IFers already know, but she just wouldn't listen. Besides, I honestly don't know if adoption would be an option for Mr Siili and I. Also, I am not at the point where I feel I could think about adoption. I still want to carry a baby in my own womb. I don't know how else to get through to her without being totally down and out rude. I think my solution will just be to try and stay away from her as much as possible, but I have a feeling that isn't going to fully work.

In other news, watching the 3 already released Twilight movies today was great! I can't wait for the new movie on Thursday night / Friday morning. I also think the Synarela is doing something. I keep getting twitchy-twingy pangs in my ovaries.

Happy Father's Day to my Dad! (It's Father's Day here in Finland.)

First appointment for IVF #3

Yesterday (Wednesday, Nov. 9) marked the first appointment for this third round of IVF.  I was concerned that I had screwed things up by missing my appointment the week before, but I did no such thing. Having the appointment a week later just meant that I didn't have any waiting time to start the meds. I had to go to the pharmacy immediately and start the meds that day!

I'll be doing yet another long protocol, as I respond decently to the medications. The problem, the doctor said, seems to be with the quality of my eggs because of my endometriosis. *sigh* The doctor hopes, with the changes in medications this time around and also using ICSI, that things will work for us.

I started taking a nasal spray, Synarela*, yesterday. It is a "down-regulation" drug to stop my body from producing it's own ovulation stimulation hormones. The doctor said that if it was possible I should take one dose immediately (as soon as I went to get it) and the 2nd one when I went to bed. Well, I drove straight from the clinic to the pharmacy and took my first dose. Then in the evening, I was cleaning house, doing this and that and kept remembering to take the nose spray before I went to bed. By the time I actually crawled into bed, I totally forgot about the 2nd dose. DOH! But, since the doctor also said it was ok if I only took the one dose, I'm not worried, just a bit chagrined. Today's doses have gone off without a hitch. So far, I don't think this spray tastes nearly as bad as the Suprecur from IVF #2. I don't have to take it as often either! Only 2 times a day instead of four! Bonus!

During the wand ultrasound, we got a look at the endo-cyst on my left ovary. It is now 2mm, up from 1,7mm earlier this year. I have my fingers crossed that it doesn't get any bigger or I might need surgery before proceeding. At least that is what was threatened previously, although the doctor didn't say anything  to that effect yesterday. I guess we'll see, right?

I need to go to the vampires again to have a bit of blood drawn. Some normal yearly IVF testing thing, that expired last month. Go figure! October 11, 2010 was the start of IVF round #1. Thankfully there is a lab right across the street from my work and I can be in and out of there in a short time.

My next appointment is in a week Friday. Hopefully AF cooperates and arrives on time (Wednesday), or I have to re-schedule for the following Monday. The doctor will check to see that my ovaries are taking a nap and that my lining has thinned or is thinning (not sure which it should be). Later in the cycle, I will be using Menopur again. Any other drugs, or the length of time I'll be using them and the doses, I have no clue about. I'll be told the info when it is time.

Retrieval and Transfer are scheduled for week 50 (week starting December 12th). I've already asked for that week off from work. I'll be using my last summer vacation days for it. If all goes well, we could be brining in our New Year with a bang!

That's it for now. Let's see where this cycle takes us!

*I Googled all sorts of things to find out exactly what Synarela does, which hormones it affects, etc. I started to copy/paste and type things out, but I've decided to delete it all. This just isn't a technical blog and I don't feel like turning it into one. If you want to know more precisely what GnRH, FSH, LH and so on and so forth, are and what they do, Google it for yourself. I found an IVF site that I quick liked.

So tired, so short

I really should have been in bed ages ago, but the best of plans don't always work. LOL If I'm ever in bed (and asleep) before midnight, it generally means one of two things: I am sick or it is Friday. And by it being Friday, I mean that I have been going to bed late all week and waking up early all week and now I'm just too exhausted to stay awake another night, plus I can sleep in on Saturday!

But to my quick point of this post. I had my first IVF #3 appointment today. I didn't screw this cycle up by missing my original appointment last week. I've started taking a nose spray today and my next appointment is next week's Wednesday. I have it in my mind to post the details tomorrow when I'm hopefully not so tired.



p.s. I made my 3 wishes at the Stirrup Queens today. Did you make yours?

Two too many for Tuesday

Originally I was going to title this "Two for Tuesday" and have 2 items under each emotion, but I realized that sometimes I just have too many items to go under one emotion. Instead you get my words spewed out in the order of what is popping up in my head.

- I miss my mom something fierce. As I lay in bed last night snuggling with Moose, I got to thinking about my mom, how so much of her stuff and family photos, etc are in the US. So far away from me. But if I bring them here, or even part of them, then my family in the US won't have them there. I started sobbing. I wish Moose was bigger to snuggle with.


- I've spotted a bit off and on since Friday. It frustrates me. I hate endometriosis and I hate the fact that I don't have any of the "normal" symptoms of it, as maybe it would have been diagnosed earlier. What if, what if...

- I'm physically tired. I should have gotten to bed earlier than I did last night, but I was crying. And then I couldn't calm down, so I read myself to sleep. I'm most of the way through the 11th book, Cerulean Sins, in the Anita Blake series by Laurel K. Hamilton.


- I'm mentally tired. Three plus years of TTC without a single BFP just sucks! I'm so tired of it all, but still can't imagine myself or my life not trying to get pregnant. Maybe someday, but definitely not yet.


- I brought tickets for the midnight showing of Breaking Dawn Part1 with 5 friends/coworkers. I'm so freakin' school girl excited!

- I got a flu shot yesterday and now my arm is sore. I also have another bruise to add to my collection of them. At least I know where this one came from, the one just below my knee, I have no idea where it came from. I probably walked into something. I just don't do corners well.

- I went to gym yesterday. Lately during BodyBalance, I get all teary-eyed each time I see the pregnant ladies in the class. I also think Adele's song of Rolling in the Deep doesn't help. Again, it's the combo of other pregnant women and memories of my mom. BodCombat was great!

- As I got ready for work this morning, Mr Siili was still peacefully sleeping. His face was just serene and beautiful.

- I have a clinic appointment tomorrow for what I hope is the start of IVF #3. The appointment should have been last week, but I screwed up the time. The nice lady who called me (and saved me a trip there to a closed-for-the-day office) helped me set up a new appointment. I wonder if I was charged for the missed appointment. Oh well. I'm excited and nervous about the appointment, as usual.


- I need to finish cleaning and tidying up our apartment. I've asked friends to come over for 11.11.11. It's the first time in AGES! I've had people over. It's been a good excuse for me to clean, because I've been so unmotivated for a long time. Plus it'll be great to see my friends again.

- There was a most beautiful sunset this evening. Brilliant purple and fire red in the sky. Too bad my phone couldn't capture it.

- I cried again this evening when going through all the knitted items that my mom made. They still smell like her place.

- Again, it is late and I should be in bed already. But I can't complain. I have a very good reason for still being awake: Mr Siili changed my mind about watching a show to creating a "show" of our own. LOL. Plus, I needed to write this.

My Moose! -update

Yesterday, as I walked in the door after work, I found Moose in the hallway floor. I have no doubt who the culprit was. I scooped up Moose and kept him safe the rest of the evening. When I went to bed, I snuggled with Moose next to me, instead of just having him near my pillow.

I awoke sometime at O'dark-thirty to find Mansi hunched over next to my pillow staring intently at Moose! I quickly snatched Moose back into the safety of my arms and sleepily mumbled to Mansi, "That's My Moose! Not yours. Mine." And then fell back asleep until my alarm went off.

As I left for work, I made sure Moose was safely tucked under my pillow from the Mansi-monster. I hope Moose will still be safe when I get home this evening.

Once again, in other news:
I was a goof and mixed up the time for my clinic appointment today. I totally missed it by two hours. *hanging head in shame* I make all my appointments in Finnish. And when speaking (and writing) in Finnish, it is very common to use the 24-hour system. So, I made my appointment for 14:00 (four-teen), which I then turned it around in my mind as 4 (four), which is 16:00 (Four pm). And so, I thought my appointment was at 4pm today.

This is the first time in ages I have done this! :( I know I have this number issue (and yes, I do work with numbers for a living, I still think I'm dyslexic at times) and I work very hard to clarify times when speaking in Finnish. It didn't happen this time. Thankfully the lady at the clinic was very nice and I now have my appointment scheduled for next week's Wednesday at 13:00 = 1pm.

My moose!

This is my Moose. My mom knitted it and it is now mine. All mine. I sleep with Moose next to my pillow. I've slept this way every since I've gotten back from her memorial at the end of June.

This is Mansi. She is our 2 year old girl cat. Dont' let her cute and coy looks fools you. She's a terror to all toys and things that give her lip. She has been telling us that Moose is taunting and teasing her and that is why she keeps dragging Moose into other rooms to play with him. This does not make me happy, because Moose is all mine.

This is Rusty. Rusty is our 10.5 year old boy cat. He has nothing to do with this story, but he's so beautiful against this green blanket that I just couldn't resist sharing a picture of him.

The End.

In other news, I have an appointment with my clinic tomorrow afternoon in what I hope is the kick of to IVF #3.