Play date at my house

For the most part, I am the last one to have a kid in my group of friends. Most of my friends' kids are 2-4 years of age, with one of them as old as 8 years and one of them 5 weeks younger than Paxlet. Being the last to have a kid and basically the only one on maternity leave right now, it is pretty lonely in my circle of friends. Everyone is busy with their families, work and just at a different stage of things than we are. It is rare that I get to see any of my friends and I find that quite sad.

Before everyone had kids, we'd get together semi-regularly at one another's house or in a pub to chat and eat. It's been ages since that has happened. To remedy this situation, I thought I'd have a play date at our house! And what better way to start the new year than to have it in January (20th to be exact), after all the hubbub of the holidays has died down.

In order to try and be more accommodating to everyone's daily schedules, I stated that from 11am-ish until 4pm-ish is the time for people to come over for as long as they wish and fits their schedule. I figured if Paxlet is awake, great! If not, oh well, I really just want to see my friends...and uh...their kids too.

I sent the email out on December 20th, a whole month in advance, as that is what seems to be needed these days. I know two mom&kid(s) won't be coming for sure, one has said she'd come and a couple others will try to make it. The rest haven't replied. I sure hope more people will show up.

In the mean time, I need to get our downstairs area mobile-kid-proofed!

beating loneliness with mom & baby groups

Sitting at home day in and day out with my lovely little boy is not something I can do. I'd go cabin fever crazy! I NEED to interact with other people, especially those who can actually talk. During the first 2 months of Paxlet's life, I was content with making trips to the store, meeting a friend or co-worker for lunch downtown and on the rare occasion, hooking up with a friend to hang out, Paxlet always in tow. But I still needed a bit more than that.

Close to Paxlet's 2 month birthday, neuvola scheduled a group neuvola meeting where the moms who had approximately 2 month old babies got to meet up. I mentioned this event back when it happened and I'm still of the same opinion of it: not much will come out of it in terms of meeting other moms that might become friends to hang out with. As such, I've taken matters into my own hands.

Paxlet and I started testing out different mom & baby clubs/groups this last month. There are many places and organizations that offer weekly events for moms to attend with their babies, toddlers and young kids (under school age). Each of these places are slightly different from each other, but generally with the same idea. So far, we've tried out a few of these groups. We've been to some at the Mannerheimin Lastensuojeluliiton (MLL) (Mannerheim Children's Protective Services), the local Lutheran churches, from the city and an international group (privately run, but open to anyone). If Paxlet and I want, there are enough groups happening during the week (Monday through Thursday) that we can go to a different group each day, sometimes more than one each day, if we want.

There are two MLL groups we have gone to so far and one more that I am thinking of checking out. The first MLL group is for moms and babies under 1 year old. It lasts for 2 hours, but you don't have to stay the entire time. I like this group quite a bit for the main fact that all the kids are under a year. It is also quite nice to be with other moms who are on their first kid; the same situation as me. The second group I tried out just this past week for the first time and I'm not too sold on it. It is closer to home, but it is for kids of all ages and not very organized. Also, there is no sort of program, so everyone just runs around as they wish. Not that that is bad, but it is a bit crazy.

We've been to two different church groups, one a 5 minute walk from our home and the other a 45 minute walk (although, we go there by bus). The church groups are more meant for slightly older kids, but everyone is welcome. These groups are quite organized with an opening prayer, a couple of songs/hymns, a biblical story and then one more prayer before the older kids run off to get some juice and cookies. Then the kids either have a craft to do, especially if there is a holiday or event coming up, or they can play. During snack and play time, the adults (mostly moms, a couple of dads, grandmas and nannies) get a snack of their own and a chance to talk. Then the last 15 minutes, of the hour and a half, is spent with everyone together again singing and acting out some songs. I like these groups decently well, even with the churchy stuff.

The international group is the only one where I speak English, as some of the mom's are from other countries (and might now speak Finnish) or their partner is from another country. I like this group, because I can speak English, but there is no program whatsoever and some of the kids are a bit unruly, not to mention LOUD.

Now that we've tried some of the groups, I thinking of which ones I would like us to go to regularly. I also hope that by attending some of these groups a bit more, I will find a couple of moms who would like to meet outside of the groups for some play dates. I just worry that many of the moms will shy away from me because of my less than native Finnish speaking skills, even if I do speak and understand the language quite well. In any case, these groups are definitely helping to get us out of the house, give me some adult conversation and beat loneliness.

My afternoon with a 3 year old

My friend R needed some help watching her 3 year old daughter today while an interior design planner came over to help her for two hours. She asked if I would mind watching S while this meeting happened, so long as I was still able to (you know, meaning that I wasn't on my way to or in the hospital). I gladly accepted and headed over there today at noon.

I took some coloring papers and crayons with me, thinking that this might keep S busy for a while. Boy (or rather, Girl), was I right! These papers kept S busy for almost an hour! She colored a butterfly (which when folded correctly makes an egg) and I colored some easter eggs with her help. S picked the colors and I asked her where I should color with that color. Perfect harmony.

At one point during our coloring, R's phone rang. (It was charging in the kitchen.) S shouted "Mom, your phone is ringing." To which R thanked S. As R answered her phone, S told her mom that she could go talk in the other room (as it was interrupting our coloring). LOL

When S got bored with coloring, I had her go get her favorite stuffed animal (Moomin troll) and some books so we could go read. The first book I was given to read was about a little chick who went outside to find a worm-friend to play with. The second book I was told I couldn't read the words, but we could only look at the pictures. (Was my Finnish that bad?) Except for one page where she said I could read the words (there wasn't that many).

By this point S got tired of the books and so I tickled her feet. She squealed. Next, I used my hands to represent little animals, with accompanying sounds, walking/wiggling towards her on the bed to tickle her. S loved this and kept asking for different animals to come get her. I finger-walked cows, sheep, badgers, frogs, rabbits, moose, a bird and many other animals to tickle her. When she got a bit too excited and started to smack my hands, I segued the game to the next activity.

This is when she told me that her doll, who has the exact same name as her newest cousin, needed his diaper changed. I asked S if she could show me how to change the diaper because I didn't know how. She gave me a funny looked and asked why I didn't know who to change a diaper. I told her I hadn't needed to do it yet. So, S told me you had to take the pants off first and I got her to show me how. Then she told me to take the diaper off. I half pulled it off and she did the rest. Then the diaper needed to be washed in the washing machine, where S disappeared to the other room for a second and then came back proclaiming that the diaper was now clean, but it needed to dry. S put the 'wet' diaper on the window sill and brought the new and clean one back to the baby where she proceeded to diaper the baby! This little girl is brilliant!

Next we had to feed the baby, but first she had to find the food jar. Once the food jar was found, food was put on a plate and fed to the baby with a spoon. But, the baby had to be in my arms and reclining back. It could not be in the car seat to be fed. The baby was very hungry and ate two plates full of food.

After the baby was fed, I finally got S to agree that she was hungry too. So, we brought the baby into the kitchen in his car seat, on the floor next to S, while we ate our lunch. S was very hungry too and ate two huge helpings of macaroni casserole, plus one slice of tomato and some milk. After lunch I gave her a zucchini cookie I had baked the other day. S commented on how soft the cookie was and then wanted to know why it was so soft. (Uh, how do you explain that to a 3 year old?)

At some point, R brought their kitty, Anku, into the kitchen for some love because he was helping R and the lady a bit too much.

S and I then colored a bit more and that was the whole two hours!

After the interior design lady left, R and I ate a bit of lunch and then got ready to head downtown for an ice cream. The weather was just beautiful to head outside! During the 2 km walk waddle to the ice cream cafe, R tried to get her daughter to sleep, but S fought it as much as she could. (Imagine two very pregnant women waddling down the sidewalks and through town and that is the funny sight you would have seen. We at least got a giggle out of it.) It was only the last couple of minutes before we made it to the cafe that S quieted down and fell asleep. This little girl has such a mind and will of her own. R and I were able to eat our ice cream in peace and then catch the bus back to their house, as there was no way we could have survived the walk waddle home.

After I used the restroom one last time and said my goodbyes, S started crying because she didn't want me to leave (and I think she was also still a bit sleepy from her nap). Aww, poor girl! R told her daughter that I'd come over again soon and that they could also come visit me and Paxlet when he's born. 

I loved my afternoon with S (and her mom). She's such an independent, spirited and sweet little girl. But, man oh man, am I exhausted now! I'd love to take a nap, but I think I'll just turn in early this evening in hopes of getting a good night's sleep.

I can only hope that my Paxlet grows up to be such a great kid like her.

p.s. All of the conversations with S are in Finnish as she doesn't speak English.

grandma, mom, kids

First off, let me preface this by saying I know my blog has been a real downer lately. But I really need to work through my thoughts and feelings on losing my mom. I know that with time, wounds will be healed, or at least scabbed over a bit more, but right now these wounds are still so raw and the thoughts just won't stop going round and round my head.

As I mentioned of over at Mel's Lushary post, doing some of the most mundane daily stuff has become much harder since my mom died. Things like doing dishes, taking a shower, going for a walk alone and other brainless activities gives my mind time to wander. And when my mind wanders, it usually ends up on the subject of my mom. And eventually, if not immediately, my mind turns to kids and my lack of giving my mom grandchildren. Not for the lack of trying, but still, I wasn't able to give my mom any grandkids before she died. What's more, if I ever have any kids, they will never know my mom. And that's what this post is going to be about: my mom, her (not) being a grandma, me potentially being a mom and my potential future kids.

I know for a fact that my mom would have been a great grandma. How can I be so certain about this, you ask? Well, she played grandma to several other kids recently. At my mom's memorial, a girl that my mom had worked with has young twins came and talked to me. This girl told me that at a co-workers going away party, my mom sat with and played with the twins most of the party. She just loved holding them and entertaining them. Another friend of the family has a little boy and this friend told me that my mom was like a grandma to her kid. My mom was always nice to the little boy and gave him some of her knitted hats whenever they'd visit. My mom was supposed to do all of these things for MY kids and HER own grandkids. This will never happen now. And it kills me!

I also remember when I was 17 or 18 years old and someone we knew (I want to say it was a high school friend) was pregnant with her first kid. My mom went to the salvation army over several weeks and bought her 2 huge paper bags full of cute baby clothes! At the time, I was jealous of the attention my mom showed towards this girl. I know part of my jealousy was that my mom didn't want me having kids that young (she was 18 when she had me), but how could she support this girl who was doing just what she didn't want me to do? I also know/see (now) that we had a rough time in our relationship when I was younger. I know that my mom was just being the good and kind person she was. She helped others and she liked kids, especially when they weren't her own anymore and she didn't have to take care of them 24/7. LOL. But it still hurts that she'll never be able to do that for me.

For my mom to have become a grandma, it would mean that I would have had to be a mom. This hurts too. Hubby and I have tried for almost 3 years now (next month is the "anniversary"). Not a single BFP in sight, not even a false BFP or one that turned into a loss. Nothing! The only thing that I seem to be able to take comfort in my not being a mom before my mom died was that I finally started telling her what exactly we were going through. She knew about all of our failed IUI's, the two failed IVF's and failed FET. It was nice to talk to her about these things. Yet, there were and are still many things that I never got to ask and most likely won't ever find out. I'll ask my dad, but I doubt he'll know.
On a side note, my mom thought that maybe I should take out all my piercings. Maybe the metal bits were disrupting my body's normal flow of things. I told her I wasn't ready for that yet and besides, many Indian women have their noses pierced on the left side, as it is supposed to make childbirth easier. I'm still undecided about taking all of my jewelry out. I'd feel so naked and unrecognizable to myself.
I'm still quite upset that I was not able to be a mom before my mom died. She was supposed to come visit when I had a kid (she would have had 9 months to prepare, after all). She was supposed to be here and help me. She was going to come see me.

And then, there's my potential kids, some day. They will never get to meet my mom, their grandma. She will always just be stories, my memories, some words, a knitted hat or sweater and some pictures that we have laying around. But my mom will never be their flesh and blood grandma! (I know I have my stepmom. I am very grateful for her, but she will never be my mom.) This is not fucking fair!!

I wanted my mom to meet my kids. I wanted my kids to get to know my mom. I know that by living half a world away my mom wasn't going to see them every week or even every month, but we had Skype with a video (the video part wasn't yet set up, but that is beside the point). My kids would have gotten to know their grandma and we would visit. But now, that will never happen. Never! And it kills me. It is what eats me up inside the most. I'm not sure how to reconcile my thoughts and feelings about this. Will time just make it hurt less? Will I ever get over it? What do I do in the mean time? I'm tired of constantly going over all of these thoughts and scenarios in my head each time I have a quiet moment in my head.