The holiday season is upon us

I know this by several ways. The days are shorter and nights darker. Halloween has come and gone and Thanksgiving is near. All the stores have christmas crap stuff in them and christmas songs playing over the air. And I'm getting stressed and sad.

I love Halloween, but it isn't really celebrated here. Sure, in the last few years, you can find more Halloween costumes and related stuff in stores. Some daycare centers, kids clubs and schools have a day where kids get to dress up and adults go out to bars to drink. But there is no trick-or-treating and I get strange looks if I do dress up for the day. Even if it is only my devil's horns or cat ears. I miss Halloween.

And then comes Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving doesn't exist at all in Finland. And I miss turkey-day! I love the food! The getting together with family. And especially the food. But, the night before Thanksgiving, when I was 14, my grandmother (mom's side) passed away. Every year around this time of the year I think of her and everyone else who has moved on. Starting last year, that includes my own mom. I started thinking about my grandma and mom today. It made me cry.

This has nothing to do with the post, I just felt like putting a picture here.

After Thanksgiving comes christmas. Finnish christmas is different than what my family does in the US. I do like the Finnish christmas, it's just different. I especially like the food. It makes up for not having Thanksgiving.  I do love the family time and being together. I also love baking cookies and other holiday treats. I'm very thankful I have Mr Siili's parents and that we spend christmas with them. It has definitely made the holidays easier.

But christmas itself, is still the same. I'm not a religious person, so the whole meaning of christmas doesn't really do anything for me. I've struggled for years to find meaning in the holiday. Something more than people just wasting money on gifts that people don't really need and also people being greedy for gifts they get. I hate the stress of gifts! Which is why for the last few years, and most likely this year too, I've taken to baking goodies for most everyone. (I have no idea if they like them, but I haven't heard any complaints.) As I said earlier, I like baking and I figure most people will like the treats, plus after the holiday season is over they won't have more junk laying around that they don't really need.

Once again, 'tis the season for me to think of family that is no longer with us. 'Tis also the season to stress once again what to do about christmas gifts. I know I'll feel better once I get a bit of sleep.
Until then: Bah, humbug!

Stressful week at work

Oh boy, oh boy, am I glad it is Friday! This week has just been, very long. The stress of work finally got to me and I didn't handle it too well.

First, a happy note about work. Earlier this week, one of the ladies on our floor was in the kitchenette area at the same time as me. She looked over at me and my tummy and exclaimed that "You're pregnant!". I was so tickled that someone I hadn't told could look and see by my tummy that I am pregnant. (Sure, someone else could have told her, but that didn't cross my mind at that point.)

As I mentioned earlier this week, I had a very long day at work on Tuesday. 10 hours and 15 minutes long, to be exact. I had gone in early in hopes of leaving early, but because of a malfunction in the software we use and other issues beyond our control, the team in Shanghai were not able to finish their tasks, which left it on our team to do it. And because the issues were something more than what anyone else in our local team has knowledge of, it was left to me to handle. I was not happy about it.

Wednesday was better at work, in that I only needed to stay got sucked into work and forgot the time and stayed an hour extra. All week, I've hardly had time to do my own stuff, not to mention help with some other stuff. In addition to our daily tasks, everyone in our department is supposed to be working on this clean-up project. Our team had a meeting about this project on Thursday and our team leader was a bit harsh/firm about us getting this project worked on. Everyone should find at least 30 minutes a day to work on it, etc. I completely understand the need for this project and its importance and the hardship or ease with which it will have on us later this summer (or rather those who will still be at work late August and September). But as I've said, I have barely had time to keep up with my daily stuff.

After the meeting I talked to my team leader and told her about the heavy load of my work, plus the project and also the pleas for help coming from other units (that were transferred to Shanghai). I asked her which part of my job should I focus on and come first. I got my answer that my immediate tasks should come first.

The stress of work this week, the meeting about the clean-up project and feeling torn about the work I was doing just got to me. I was left feeling quite incompetent about my inability to get everything done (without staying hours and hours each day), which I know is so untrue. I'm good at what I do and I take pride in it. But it was just too much. I started getting teary and hot at my desk. Can we say hormones here? I just couldn't help myself, so I went to the bathroom and had a cry.

After work I stopped by 2 shops to see if I could find some phone protection covers for Mr Siili's new work phone. Again, either the shops didn't have the right size or finally the one shop I have found that had the correct size wanted double the price. Next I went to 2 clothes stores. The first had maternity clothes, I just didn't like any of them and I was NOT going to pay 30-40€ for them. The second shop doesn't even sell maternity clothes?! WTF!? By this point I was just fed up, my foot was sore, I was tired and grumpy.

After I got off the bus and was walking home, about a minute away, I got a call from Mr Siili. He sounded a bit upset that he couldn't find the charger for his phone. I told him I didn't know where it was, but that I'd help him look as soon as I got home. He was stressed and pissy and basically upset at the universe when I got in the door and I got the brunt of it. He grumped at me, I grumped back, we yelled at each other and I cried. His phone charge ended up being right exactly where he'd originally set it down tossed it. We didn't really talk much the rest of the evening, although Mr Siili did come rub my shoulders and try to talk to me at one point. I wasn't yet in a forgiving mood.

Today at work I was a tiny bit stressed in the morning, but also a very relieved that I was actually able to get my daily tasks done AND answer all of my emails from the week. I also talked to my big boss about my stress and not so good feelings of this week. She told me she understood and said my focus should be opposite of what my team leader said, as we want to minimize any further complaints from this area. I felt much better after this talk. (Mr Siili says when the big boss talks to my team leader it is going to reflect badly on me and make me look whiney. *sad face*) I even managed to solve a pain in the rear case!! And I left work only 31 minutes later than I had planed. The work week ended on a much brighter note. Still having the sun shining outside when I left didn't hurt either.

In the 1WW and some candid thoughts

So, uhm, yeah, next week on Friday morning, I get to POAS if AF hasn't already shown up. I guess we'll see what happens, won't we?

At this point in time, I'm feeling totally indifferent to it all. I'm not excited about the possibility of being pregnant, if anything I'm sort of dreading it. I know! Who would have thunk, that after almost 3,5 years of trying to get pregnant, that I'd dread getting pregnant? I have my reasons though and I'm going to share them with you.

First off, I've been thinking about it for some time now that maybe we/I should take a break from TTC. I mean, it has been almost 3,5 years, with close to 2 of those years adding hormones to my body. Also, once we've gone through our 3 rounds of IVF and any FETs at the public clinic, I'm done. If we wanted to continue with fertility treatments, we'd need to go through a private clinic. I'm not sure Mr Siili will agree to that. I'm afraid he'll say we have tried what we can and if 3 rounds, what more can be done? I'm also afraid he won't be willing to shell out the added cash any more.

Also, I worry at times that maybe Mr Siili and I just won't make a good family. We argue over the stupidest of stuff. Thankfully not too often. But many of our heated discussions are over the same exact things that we've been discussing for years on end. We just don't seem to know how to resolve them. Mr Siili doesn't want to go to counseling and I'm too chicken and lazy to go on my own. I'm also not sure if Mr Siili really wants to be a dad. Sure, if it happens he'd step up to the plate and be a great dad, most of the time. But then there are those times that worry me a bit.

More recently, finances. We're in the process of talking to banks to see if we can get a loan for our new place. A loan that will own us for the next 23-25 years! And right now, we're operating off of one income, some unemployment and some savings, but savings only go so far. Especially with a loan looming. I also haven't been the bestest about finances and making a financial plan. That's not to say that I've been totally horrible either, just not as good and efficient as I should be. Yes, I know I work in the finance department at my work, but I work in a specific area and with specific tasks. Yes, I also know I went to Int'l Business School, but a lot of what they taught us there was crap and not always useful in the day to day world. Sad, but true.

Along this finance line of thought, Mr Siili is concerned that I'm trying to make my decision to stop TTC for a while a "financial decision", which he says it isn't. We aren't trying to get pregnant for the sake of saving money or to gain money. Money is just money and it is something we need to live, but at the same time it shouldn't stop us from living life (to an extent).

To tie all of these thoughts and concerns together, I've been trying to come to terms with the fact that I may never become a mom. (No, I don't think adoption is an option for us.) This scares the crap out of me. I'm not ready to think this or admit this might be a possibility, but I really do think I need to start thinking about it. Right this instant, I don't feel as if I could live a fulfilled life without a kid and that's a pretty bad place to be. So, in trying not to get my hopes up or let my hopes down, I'm indifferent. I'd also like to know whether or not I need to continue leaking progesterone from my lady bits on a daily basis or not. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'll be elated (and worried) if I do get a BFP next week.

If they only knew... (or CD9)

They, being my mom and stepmom. The two of them are quite against HRT and yet here I am taking Zu.menon, an estrogenic hormone that stimulates the growth of the lining of the uterus (called the endometrium). I know I am not using this as a HRT drug, but rather to enhance the hormones (or lack of?) I do have to make a nice and cozy home for a future embryo. At least I hope that is what is happening. I also know that I am not taking this on a long term basis, but it still makes me wonder what "they" would think in any case.

I have a clinic appointment this Friday to see how the Zu.menon is working and what's going on with my body. This will be my first FET (frozen embryo transfer), ever! It will also be the first time I've been back to the clinic since the failed IVF attempt #2 in March.

Sorry in advance if the text below is a bit muddled and confusing, that's just the way my thoughts are on this topic at the moment.
I am excited to be able to try again to get pregnant, but at the same time I am a bit concerned about the amount of stress I am feeling right now. Since last night's little "sadness" attack came about, I've still been feeling off and teary today. Then mid-day today, to make matters much worse, the union I belong to announced that there will be a strike starting tomorrow morning at 6am (and lasting until Saturday at 6am) at my work if there is no agreement made or another time set for a new resolution session. (We've been without a working contract since the end of March.) No agreement was reached regarding pay and the pay arrangement, nor was a new date set for the next session, so the members of the union at my work are going on strike. This is an illegal strike as it was only announced today and not 2 weeks ago (by law). I'm still irked by the strike we had last month for 2 weeks and the upcoming strike next week (legal) for 2 weeks. (Two other companies are on strike this last week and this week.) I've already lost 2 week's pay and 2.5 holiday days for April! And now the union is asking me to not work for these 3 days and then go on strike again for two more weeks?! I'm upset and stressed!! For the first strike I figured that I am a member of the union and I did what I felt was right and went on strike like a union member should. I mean, why join the union if you aren't going to support them like they support you, right? (Right?) But this is just ridiculous! I'm not really sure our strike actions the first time around really sent a strong message. There were enough people who didn't go on strike and were working during those 2 weeks, that the work got done. While those workers didn't do my job perfectly (like I do. hehe), they were doing it well enough that the major part of it was done.I feel that this is only hurting myself and the other strikers. Our bosses can't be looking favorably upon us, even if they can't do anything to us because of our actions to follow the strike. I still feel like crap and stressed beyond belief! Again!!

Although, since I made the decision later in the day today to leave the union and not go on strike tomorrow or next week, my stress level has gone down some. I only hope it is enough for my body to be a happy calm place for a FET.
Trying to think happy thoughts.

A week late

Finally, after a week's delay, my period has shown. The thought came to me last  night that it is possible I ovulated a week later (duh) than I should have due to the stress from the strike at work. I was quite worried and stressed about it.  So much so I was feeling it physically. All is 'well' now. I've started taking my Zu.menon pills and will call the clinic tomorrow.

Hormonal highs and lows

 Some days I thoroughly hate hormones! Especially when they make me terribly moody and for no reason (other than the hormones themselves) at all! At times I know I'm being irrational, but I just can't help it. And even that can make things worse. In the last few days alone I've been terribly weepy, crying, depressed-feeling and anxious among other things. I don't mean they are all at once, nor do I feel this way all the time. I have an even keel of mood and then *BAM* something triggers me and I'm off kilter.

Taking drugs (medications) to alter my body's balance for IVF treatments isn't the most fun either. Thankfully I don't seem to get many of the "common" side effects, but I guess I get enough of them to be annoying. In addition to being moody, I've been feeling quite bloated and my ovaries are sensitive. My period cramps were a bit more painful and longer lasting than normal this time around.

I've been taking Suprecur (the nose spray to gently put my ovaries to rest) for almost 2 weeks now. And it seems my body isn't quite responding to the drug as it should or intended. My ovaries are supposed to stop producing hormones and thus not produce any eggs. Well, at today's appointment the doctor saw that not only are my ovaries still working, but I have growing eggs on both ovaries!! I don't quite understand it myself. I've always been under the assumption and knowledge that a women's body generally only produces 1 egg from 1 ovary per month. Yet, here I am taking a drug to stop ovary stimulation and production of eggs and my body grows more than the norm! *shakes head in confusion*

As my hubby said, when I mentioned this to him, it sounds like my body is reacting just like I do when I'm told to do something. I protest and stubbornly continue to do what I've been told not to do even more!


The doctor did inform me that although this is rare, it does happen from time to time and not to worry. I am to continue to take the nose spray as previously. She also prescribed me some progesterone pills (not suppositories!) to take for the next 10 or so days. This is because my endometrial lining is quite thin. I believe these pills should help the lining grow thicker and be more prepared to receive fertilized eggs. The doctor did say that my body reacting this way could lead to better quality eggs. Let's hope so!

This cycle isn't a bust! I am still able to continue with IVF this month. I'm just not sure when I'll be doing injections or when harvesting and transferring will take place. All of this uncertainty of when things will happen, work and stress from looking to buy a rowhouse or duplex is making me a wreck. They are all good stresses, but stress none the less and I should be staying away from stress if possible. Doctor's orders!