Progesterone post

Yup, today is going to be about progesterone. All the nitty-gritty, leaky and fun funky tidbits that are on my mind and what I have to offer. Hah!

But first, I want to quickly interrupt this post to say Mr Siili survived his first day of work! Poor guy, he went to bed so late last night that he's just exhausted today. After I got home and we ate dinner, we tried watching the 2nd half of a TV show that I was falling asleep during on NYE, but he fell asleep this time. *grin* He's taking a bit of a nap now, but I hope he doesn't sleep too much so he can actually get to bed at a decent hour. Mr Siili just isn't a morning person.

Now back to my 'scheduled' post about progesterone.
Ever since the first time I had to use progesterone during a cycle, I've hated. Especially the first few rounds when I was using some synthetic stuff that if you're allergic to nuts, you shouldn't use. Well, I'm not really allergic allergic to nuts, but a few of them make my throat slightly itch, sometimes. That was enough to make my lady bits react to the synthetic stuff. I'd get quite sore, swollen and feel dried out, especially after stopping the stuff. That's on top of all the leaking! I finally mentioned it to the doctor and she switched me to the more natural stuff. (This new stuff also cost me much less too! Grr.)

The natural progesterone I've been using these last couple of cycles has been better, in the sense of no bad reaction, but it's still just as annoying to leak all the time. BUT, now when a cycle has actually worked and I know the progesterone is doing a job, I find myself not minding the progesterone as much. Sure, I still grumble a bit about the leaking, especially when it leaks onto my undies. Urgh. But, it's something that I can tolerate (most of the time), even if I do majorly look forward to the day I can stop the suppositories!

I finally found panty liners/pads that I can live with during the day. They are still not something that I'd choose to use voluntarily, but they do their job, stay in place and aren't too bulky. The night ones are still bulky and annoying. Plus, I think it'd just work better if I wore an adult diaper instead. LOL
. o O (Hey honey, check me out! *Wiggles a bulky behind in Mr Siili's general direction* ROFL)

I mentioned the other day that I've finally figured out how to prevent most of the soreness to my lady bits. I believe what was making me raw and scrached-feeling-like inside my lady bits was a dry finger dragging along my vaginal wall. Ouch! So, these days I quickly run my finger under (warm) water just before inserting the progesterone. No more pain for me! Oh, and for the times when I still get a bit sore or irritated, a quick rinse of my lady bits works many times and when that doesn't work a bit of hydrocortisone rubbed on the lady bits works wonders too!

Another not so fun thing about the progesterone is that it has to be kept refrigerated. How does one do that while at work? I definitely don't have my own personal fridge next to my desk... So, I just keep a cute little Tupperware container (no name on it) with my suppositories in it. Hopefully people are leaving them be. At least I'm not noticing the numbers dwindling faster than I'm using them.

What brought this post about today was the fact that I forgot my pads at home. So, I asked a friend/co-worker if she had any to spare. Thankfully she did! But, she also said she was sorry for the reason I needed them. I told her it wasn't for AF, but for progesterone and that was all that was said on that topic.

So, I'm hoping and keeping my fingers (and legs) crossed that I only have one more week of progesterone to deal with. I have my first doctor's appointment next week's Monday! Time sure is going by so slowly and yet quickly.

Changing of the guards

I've been thinking the last few days of what I wanted to write as my last post for 2011 and I'm not really any closer right now than I as before. But, that isn't going to stop me. Hah! (Mr Siili wouldn't be one bit surprised, as my not having anything "useful" to say hasn't stopped me from talking/writing before. *big grin*) I think I'll just jot down some random thoughts that are running through my head in hopes of clearing it out.

Another thing I've been thinking about is the old year vs the new year and what it all means. I'm not really sure I believe in this 'getting rid of the old one to greet the new'. Sure some pretty crappy things happened in 2011, but some great things happened too! If none of these things had happened, I wouldn't be who or where I am now. I'm reminded of the rhyme we used to sing at Girl Scouts or other places were we would meet new people for the first time.

Make new friends,
but keep the old.
One is silver,
the other is gold.

New Years will keep coming, but the past years matter too. Not much will change between today and tomorrow, except the year. (And Mr Siili's unemployment ending. Yay!). I still head back to work on Monday, my mom still won't be with us in the flesh and I'll still be stuffing progesterone suppositories 3 times a day where the sun don't shine (until further notice). I guess what I'm trying to say is that life continues on.

Speaking of suppositories, I think I've become quite proficient at putting suppositories where they belong. I think the reason I was getting so sore and my lady bits area irritated was from dryness. I started running my insertion finger under water quickly to get it wet just before inserting the suppository.  No more dryness and definitely less irritation and less desire to take a 1/3 of a day break from using them.

The fireworks have started! It is legal to set off fireworks from 6pm December 31st to 2am January 1st. Of course not everyone follows the rules and we've been hearing the random one now and then since Tuesday (when stores opened up for the first time after xmas). I used to love fireworks, until I had one explode at the back of my knees several years ago, now I dread them. I even cringe a bit at the very loud ones while inside.

My ears are bothering me. Quite often when the weather pressure changes, my ears act like a barometer and bother me (so the ear doctor told me when I was tested years ago). It sounds as if I have a paper bag over my head or maybe some wax paper over my ears so that as I breath or talk, the "paper" vibrates (kind of like a kazoo) and I can't hear as well. It's most often my left ear, but at this moment, my right ear is doing it too. It doesn't hurt physically, but it sure is annoying.

Mr Siili and I went food shopping this afternoon. Sheesh, there are a lot of people at the stores buying last minute party supplies and alcohol. After we were done shopping, I dropped Mr Siili off at home so I could go tank up the car (taxes will go up on gas next year). When I got home, he had started getting me some bread ready to eat and tea water boiled. How sweet!! Especially since I was STARVED!

Even after I ate my bread topped with cream cheese, pickle slices and cheese and drank my hot chocolate (tea came later), I was still freezing from being outside! So, I took a nice long hot shower. Aaaaaaah.

Which reminds me, I think pickles are something I'm craving at the moment, if it's possible to get pregnancy cravings already. Or maybe I'm just craving them as a normal person. For the last few weeks, I keep thinking of dill pickles and wanting to eat them. I mean, I normally like (specific) pickles and their juice, but I've been really wanting to eat them lately. Yes, I know many people are totally grossed out by pickle juice, Mr Siili included, but I just found out that my dad and I have only been ahead of our time.

Today is the day I'm going to start taking weekly pictures of my eventually growing belly. I've thought of this for years and now I finally get to do it! I still haven't figured out which top and shorts/pants I'll wear, but I'd like to try and wear the same thing throughout. Yes, I've thought about it that much.

I'm thinking I'll tell my side of the family either tonight or tomorrow that we're pregnant. I should have done it at xmas when everyone was there, but...I just didn't. Now I've got to see if I can get my brother and sister over to my dad's.

I tried to get my girlfriends together for a January get-together, so I could share our good news, but it doesn't seem like it'll work. I just don't wanna tell them via email, a text or over the phone. And I sure as hell don't want them finding out via Facebook. Although, a FB announcement is no where near yet. But I have been thinking that when I do a FB announcement, I'll mention that it's taken us 3,5 years and several IF treatments. Not that anyone really needs to know, but at the same time, I'm not hiding it and maybe it might help someone. Who knows. So, I don't know when I'll tell my close friends. And that kind of makes me sad. If they ask directly, I will tell them, as I did with one of them already. She asked the day I tested. (One other friend I told, because I need at least one close friend to talk with!)

I was cutting up an apple today to eat and a seed fell out. It reminded me of the ticker at the bottom of my blog and that it said our little one is the size of an apple seed. (Looking just now, it has grown to a sweet pea!) I can't wait to really start feeling pregnant. I also hope that Mr Siili and I can actually celebrate it at some point, soonish. I know he has been asking some questions (like how am I doing?), commenting and poking fun/joking like he does (when I showed him the apple seed, he said "and it takes up this much space" showing his hands at about the size of a grapefruit, to which I replied, "no, that's just fat").

Thanks for reading my ramblings. (Did anyone actually read this all?!)

Wishing you all a wonderful and happy 2012!

January 9, 2012

3 weeks from today I will have my first ultrasound as a pregnant chick.

That is just not something I thought I'd be writing any time soon! After a year and a half of trying on our own, a laparoscopic surgery for endometriosis, several failed IUI's, 2 failed IVFs, 2 failed FETs, I finally managed to get pregnant!! That's 41 failed cycles; 3 years and 4 months of trying before it worked! I was honestly working on coming to terms with the fact I might not ever be a mom. I still might not be a mom, but for now, there is the possibility. The fact that I am pregnant (for now) is slowly sinking in.

During the weekend, Mr Siili asked if we could still "practice". I told him "of course" (if the progesterone doesn't kill it for me too much). But I'm not minding the progesterone suppositories so much now. Funny how it is all relative.

This 3WW is longer than a 2WW, but thankfully there is Xmas and New Year thrown in there to keep me busy. As an online friend said, I waited 3+ years to get a BFP, I can definitely wait 3 more weeks. I agree.

And now, after a long day at work, 3/4 of a BodyBalance class and almost 1/2 of a BodyCombat class, I'm off to bed!

p.s. Mr Siili has another job interview Tuesday morning! Things are looking up!!!

Progesterone + pads = pain in the ...

Ok, so I don't really have any pain anywhere from either the progesterone or pads (or panty liners), but I liked the continuation of the P-alliteration. But it brings up the fact that I don't like progesterone, nor pads!

I don't think I have many side effects from the progesterone suppositories other than the very prominent sore breasts and hard nipples (is that one even progesterone related?). I feel quite lucky for this, but it still doesn't mean I like having the progesterone leak out of me all day long and gush at least 3 times a day. This is just not sexy!

Which leads me to the issue of pads/panty liners. I have a much bigger dislike of pads than I do of progesterone, but when using progesterone suppositories, pads are a necessary evil. Imagine, if I didn't have any pads to protect my panties and pants? I'd be one huge greasy leak. Just the thought of that makes me queasy (or maybe it was eating too much sweets today). But really, I just hate the fact of having something bulky and in between my legs all day long. (Hey, I'm not complaining about having something between my legs ever, it is just the pad thing that I'm complaining about. *wicked grin*) I've bought many different brands and types over the years and for the most part, most of them, especially the bulkier ones, just don't stay nicely in place. Or, I am constantly reminded of their presense just because they are there. I have found one brand with very thin liners that I will use at the end of AF, but they are definitely not absorbant enough for progesterone. Pads just aren't sexy either!

Does anyone else have such a dislike of pads as I do? I can't be the only one out there that prefers a tampon almost any day over a pad. What about those of you who use pads regularly, is there any particular reason you'd use them over tampons? I mean, I'd prefer to not have to use tampons or pads for 9 months, but that's another matter all together.
Please weigh in.

Opposite of Squeeee!!

What's the opposite of Squeeee? Anti-Squeee? Or maybe it's Un-Squeee? In any case, the emotion that is the opposite of Squeeee is just sadness and bleh.

Friday during the day, I had a spot of very light pink/brown discharge on my undies and on the toilet paper, once. I decided I couldn't wait until Saturday morning, so I POAS'd late late Friday night and got a BFN. I stopped using the progesterone suppositories because I figured AF would be on her way soon and I was really sick of the suppositories. It was very nice to go all day Saturday without anything leaking from me! So much so, I even thought of trying to get Mr Siili in the sack with me for a bit of wiggling. It didn't work, but that was ok. I just had a very lazy day instead and read a book, most of it while I was in bed. I did go out in the evening with some girls from work. We played pool and then had dinner. It was an enjoyable evening. I think I had maybe 1 or two tiny, almost non-existant AF spots during the day, so I really thought AF was on her way.

By the time I woke up and stopped reading in bed on Sunday, AF still wasn't here, I decided maybe I should still be using the suppositories. Maybe it was too early to test on Friday night. In went the suppository and out came leakage tinged pink/brown and nothing else. And now, here is is Sunday late afternoon, and still no AF. I'm not sure what to make of it all, except that I feel like I am in limbo and I am progressing into a sad state of mind.

I don't know how much longer I can take this month after month of disappointment. Yet, I fear (know?) if I don't continue, I'll never get to my goal of pregnancy and an eventual baby/child. Infertility sucks! I feel alone, even if I rationally know it isn't true.

I still have a couple more days before Wednesday, which is the day the clinic says I can test, so we'll see, but I am NOT hopeful at all. To top it all off, my neck decided to spasm and kink yesterday just before I went out. Now it is stiff and hurts, again! I'm going to continue reading now.

Friday 5: Out of place

This week's Friday 5 intrigued me and I think it'll be fun. It also reminded me of the Sesame Street song "One of these things is not like the others". Anyone remember that?

1. What non-food items are in your refrigerator or freezer?
In the fridge we I have progesterone supositories and in the freezer we have a cold pack for sprains and injuries.

2. What non-book items are on your bookshelves?
Some knitting needles and yarn in a basket and some craft supplies.


3. What song or album in your music collection doesn’t fit in with your usual tastes?

I listen to quite a range of music and don't generally limit myself to one type of music. If the lyrics, tune or feeling of a song grab me, then I like it even if I don't like the rest of the songs in an album or by an artist. But, I think the stuff that surprises most people about me is the industrial rock or heavy metal music I listen to and love. I remember the time I told a couple of guys at school that I really loved Machines of Loving Grace. Their eyes just about bugged out of their heads. Tee hee!! The song, Butterfly Wings is probably my all time favorite! The tune and especially lyrics just get me.
I also have a few albums of Kotiteollisuus. They are a Finnish heavy metal band, but I really like a few of their songs, such as Minä Olen (I Am) and Kevät (Spring).

4. What item in your wardrobe really doesn’t match anything else?
I recently took a bunch of stuff to the thrift store, so most of what didn't match is now gone and the rest of it is costume clothes (they match anything!). Maybe it would be the silky-stretchy-skin-tight white shirt that is way too short with black dragons on it. I have maybe worn it once about 15 years ago, but I just can't seem to part with it. It has recently made its way into my sewing box to be up-cycled into something else.

5. What scar on your body did you receive in the unlikeliest of ways?
I think this is a tie between two scars: the bump on my inner right wrist and the scar on the top of my left foot just behind my middle toe.
The bump on my wrist happened one evening at Taekwon-do practice a year or so ago. I was holding the mitsi (er, the kicking/punch pad) for my partner to kick and she kicked to far over the thing and her big toe hit my wrist. It must have broke the blood vessel as it started turning color and itching immediately! I had a beautiful bruise for a week or so and then a bump.
The scar on top of my left foot happened many years ago. I must have been 18 or 19 at the time. My ex and I were heading out to the sand dunes where there is a fresh water lake. On our way there, I stepped on a stick with my right foot and kicked my left foot into the end of the stick, causing said stick to protrude out of my foot. It hurt so freaking bad that I started laughing. And each time my ex's hand came anywhere near my food, I panicked and laughed more. Yes, I laugh under stress and pain. I finally pulled the stick and bits out on my own because I couldn't handle the thought of him touching it.

Woeful & Wordy Wednesday

When I opened Blogger for the first time today and saw that I had earned my 33rd follower, I gasped in happiness. Really, I did! This month's ICLW saw my followers increase by 3. And each time I saw/see my numbers go up, I feel amazed and happy that someone wants to read my words. I can't imagine these feelings will ever get old. I love my followers and the interaction they give me. Thank you everyone!

As ICLW winds down for the week and month, I hope everyone has gotten something out of the comment leaving, whether it be big or small. Any time I get a comment it helps me know that I am not alone, especially on some of my darker days. This week was no exception.

- This morning started out with me sniffly and then in tears over my mom. I still miss my mom tons and I find that I just want to call her and talk about things or ask her something. I'll never be able to do that again. Some things are just going to be lost to me forever. And it kills me. This sadness has followed me most of the day. Not even diving into work made it go away. I just felt so hollow and empty inside that I almost expected someone, anyone at work to stop me and ask what's wrong. But I guess I'm a good actress as no one seemed to look at me twice or ask what's up.

- I was going to leave home early so I could go to the pharmacist before work. I left the house 1 minute too late, because I saw the bus already at the stop and there was no way i was going to run for it today. Actually, I've decided that the bus was too early this morning, or rather exactly on time. I walked a few bus stops in hope of catching a different bus line, but they all leave about the same time, so I saw them all pass on by in front of me. By the time I did catch the next bus, it was late downtown because of some construction work. So I didn't go to the pharmacist before work.

- My underwear decided it was a good day to ride up my ass, on one side. (God that sounds so stupid and laughable when typed out.)

- I went to the pharmacist during my lunch break, only to find out that I left my wallet at work.

- On a positive note, I didn't receive my normal mass influx of work emails, which allowed me to get caught upon some work. I still have tons more to do tomorrow. Isn't that how work is, though?

- I went to the pharmacist after work to get my asthma and progesterone prescriptions filled and there was a long line. Thankfully they have numbers to take so I could walk around and get the O-tests I needed. Although, I couldn't find the O-tests and finally had to ask someone. They were right next to the pregnancy tests, I was just blind. I bought the cheaper brand. It was also the one that didn't have the smiley, happy baby on it. Only a flower. On a positive note, the progesterone is covered by the Social Insurance, so I only had to pay 1,50€  for the 2 boxes (total) instead of 37€ each. Unlike the Lugesterone I had been using all of these previous times, which I am allergic to, and I had to pay 17€ per box as the Social Insurance wouldn't cover it. Let's hope I don't have any allergic reactions to this stuff.

- I got home and my cat meowed at me. Like he always does when I get home, but some days I just wish he would shut up. I feel bad for thinking that. I gave him and his sister their evening treats and he was content for a while.

- Dinner wasn't cooked when I got home and I felt way too lazy to cook it myself. So, I had peanut butter on Saltine crackers for dinner. A few of them even had a tiny piece of dark chocolate on top, for dessert.

- I told Mr Siili that my day was just crappy and I cried a bit more. I'm quite sure a fair share of this moodiness and hormonalness is due to the pending O. So, in a nut shell, that's my crap-tastic day. It's a big nut shell, I think it's a coconut. I know none of these things are that bad, but when I'm feeling down and out, everything just seems multiplied.

- After a two hour break while Mr Siili and I watched 2 episodes of Fringe, I'm feeling a bit less sullen and sad. I'm now just extremely tired. It's off to bed with aforementioned meow-y putty tat for me.

Good night!

CD10

 I went to my PGH appointment today to see about doing a FET with a natural cycle this month and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it all. I mean, I was feeling quite positive and upbeat the last week and a half. No stress and just going with the flow. As I was leaving PGH today, I sort of felt a bit down and not as upbeat. I guess we'll just have to see how things go, won't we?

Anyway, first thing was first at the appointment. I was asked when AF arrived (10 days ago) and if I was taking Zumenon (no, this is a natural cycle).  I was then told/asked to de-robe my lower half and hop up on the table. The doctor spent forever with the magic wand up my lady bits. Seriously, she was looking and looking at things for close to 10 minutes. Usually the doctors only look for a minute or two tops! It seemed there was lots to look at.

I have several liquid filled cysts on my right side, but thankfully they are not endometriosis related. The doctor wasn't so concerned about them. She thinks they might be left over from last cycle. The bummer part of having all of these little cysts is that they look a maturing egg. Some of them were definitely too big to be an egg, but she wasn't able to tell if one of the others was a normal sized maturing egg or if the egg was one of the smaller ones, thus meaning O won't happen for longer. On the left-hand side, there is my endometrial cyst. It is still right around 2cm, which is good. If it grows too much more (up to 3 cm?) I'll have to possibly go in for surgery again to remove it. The doctor commented that my lining was a bit thin at 6,6 - 7,4 mm. When asked I was told it should be closer to 1cm. My lining being thin is common for me. Sad, but true.

After my uterus was studied so intently and I was able to put my clothes back on. The doctor and I discussed my plan of action this month. For the next 5 mornings I will take an OPK to see if it is positive. If it happens to be positive tomorrow, this cycle is out the widow this month for the FET as the transfer would need happen next Monday. And the FET can't happen on Monday because they would need to thaw the eggie the day before and PGH isn't open on Sundays. The rest of the possible +test/transfer days are: Thurs/Tues, Fri/Wed, Sat/Thurs and Sun/Fri. If I don't get a + OPK at all, the cycle is out of the window. The doctor said that since this is a natural cycle they need to have a +OPK test to proceed. As my body will have to produce the FSH hormone on its own. I'm sure my body will ovulate, but I'm not sure the tests will pick up the hormones to give me the positive I need.

Finally, I asked some questions that I'd been thinking about lately and I got some answers, but not a lot. First, I asked what will happen if this FET doesn't work and we head into our 3rd IVF. What happens? She said that the nurses, doctors and lab tech-doctors will have a meeting to go over past treatments and make a plan of attack for the up coming cycle. I'm not sure if I (and hubby) would be involved in this meeting or not. If the 3rd IVF fails, I'm not sure if I'll get a 4th chance via PGH (public health care) or if I'll have to start with a private clinic and more expenses.

Second, I asked what blood tests I have had done and if there are any more that I could have done. I've had HIV, Hepatitis B & C and Syphilis test done, all negative of course. And then this year I also had an endometriosis growth blood test done, or at least something along those lines. And in any case, the results came back normal. The doctor did prescribe one more blood test to be done: AMH, which is Anti-Mullerian Hormone. I wasn't sure what this was, so I had to Google it. From my new understanding it is a test some doctors use as an indication of ovarian reserve or function. I'm ok with that test.

Third, I mentioned my discomfort and almost pain in my lady bits after stopping Lugesteron when I get a BFN. The doctor said that the symptoms I described are not unheard of. She then went on to ask if I have any allergies to nuts. I told her I don't have allergies per say, but I do find that I have irritations to. (Does having an irritation-reaction count as an allergy? Even if I haven't been diagnosed with a 'nut allergy'?) So, she wrote me a prescription for Progesterone to try next time around.

Fourth, the doctor put us in line for our 3rd IVF treatment to tentatively start during week 36 (September sometime).

So, to sum up this very long post.  If I get a +OPK in the next 2-5 days, I'll call the clinic and go in for a FET. If I don't get a +OPK, hubby and I will have to time our own IC and life will continue like normal this summer. If the FET doesn't happen this month, our next appointment would then potentially be sometime in August, depending on if I happen to be in China during the important time of my cycle.

Thank you to those of you who managed to read this far.

progesterone after effects

I know that progesterone suppositories can have side effect while you are taking them, but what about after you've stopped taking them?

During my last IVF and more recently my failed first FET, I've taken progesterone suppositories during the 2WW and once I get the BFN, I can stop taking them. What I've noticed is that after I stop taking the suppositories and my body absorbs or expels the last of the progesterone, my lady bits and especially my clitoris get sore. It almost feels as if the entire region is dry or lacking any sort of lubricant. And as I said, the discomfort is especially felt in my clitoris area. It is tender, sore and sometimes even painful.
I remember that I was going to mention it to my doctor during the following visit after the failed IVF, but the pain and discomfort went away before I went in. (out of sight pain, out of mind) I think I'll write this down as one of my questions to ask the doctor.
Now that it is happening again, I'm wondering if this is the correlation and if anyone else has experienced it?