12 August 2011

Three years TTC

Later this month marks 3 years since I removed my last NuvaRing and we started TTC.

The first year wasn't so bad. I knew it could take some time before anything happened, so I wasn't worried. I also thought that because I had gotten pregnant so many years earlier, way too easily, that this time would be the same. Boy, was I naive!

The second and third year have been filled with fear, mega hormones, uncertainty and utter sadness among other things. Fear and disbelief have come from the need to go to a fertility clinic, have lots of treatments and become one of 'those' women. Disbelief that my body would let me down, especially when I knew it worked, at one point. Hormones, my own and additional ones administered to my body. Mood swings that come out of nowhere. Hormones that have at times caused me cry for the stupidest reasons and uncontrollably, snap at my husband for no or little reason, bloat and at times just feel all around miserable. (In all fairness, I've actually had it pretty easy as far as side effects from treatments go.) Uncertainty of whether the next cycle or treatment will work. The sense of hopelessness as I've gone into yet another cycle and already having the feeling of this not being the one and then AF shows to rub it in even more. Being torn between being happy for everyone else who has gotten pregnant, had their kid(s) to being utterly saddened by my lack of any sign of a positive pregnancy test.

Three years! Three years and not one single show of two lines, a smiley face or BFP. No chemical pregnancy, no ectopic, no miscarriage, no nothing. As sad as it sounds and the reality of it is, I would give anything to have been pregnant and lost it than to be in this place of never having had at all. I just want some sort of sign to show that it's even possible for me to get pregnant. I know our embryos from IVF grow in the lab, but what is happening when they are transferred back to me? Obviously nothing.

Three years and we still have nothing to show for it. That's what saddens me the most.