11 June 2010

My ex

A few days ago, my ex gave me a link to an online journal of his detailing his finding out about the death of a close friend. At this same jounal, are several months worth of entries. So, I've been reading them. So far I've read one month. I can see so much of the man that I knew when we were dating in those entries. But I also see more than what I saw then. I see more hurt, bleakness and despair than I realized he had in him. It isn't so much a shock, but I wish I could have done more or maybe do more now.

We may not be together as a couple anymore, but I still care for him. How could I not? I spent 4 years of my life with him. There had to be something good in him that I saw for me to devote that long to him. At least I feel that way.

I want to reach out to him, let him know I am still here if he needs or wants to talk. I would also like to let him know that I think I knew him better than he wanted me to. He told me many times during our relationship and even after that I never knew him, the real him and that he hadn't let me in. I beg to differ. I do think I knew him quite well, maybe not as well as the person I am reading about in his journal entries, but I did know him.
But the question here is, do I reach out? Do I possibly disturb sleeping cats (or dogs as it may be)?

I think I'm going to have to think on this.

p.s. I wish the pictures weren't broken links.