09 June 2010

Lowest low in 2 years

So, this cycle of my period marks 23 months that hubby and I have been trying to get pregnant. And last week's Tuesday marks the lowest of lows I have had during this time. My period had started a couple of days before (although not unexpected), so I was feeling quite bummed from that. Then I found out that a friend of mine is pregnant again. I just lost it. I started crying, shaking, hyperventilating... Then I would calm down for a sec and start up again. This is how I was all evening. I couldn't eat, do dishes, read, think, nothing! Why not me? When is it my turn!?

This is the same friend that was expressing/complaining that she was worried/concerned that she might not be able to get pregnant a 2nd time. I didn't understand what her worries were at that point because she got pregnant on her wedding night and her little one was only 9-10months old! And here she was saying this to me, who had been trying unsuccessfully for 20months, at the time, and another friend of ours who has been trying for several years with a couple of miscarriages. I don't have words to explain the frustration, confusion, dumbfoundedness and incomprehension that is going on in my head. What was she thinking when she was telling us this? She just doesn't get it, does she?

Last week, I just didn't feel that I could be happy for anyone else. I was tired of putting on a happy face and saying "congratulations" and asking interested questions. I just couldn't do it anymore. I had no happiness in me. All that was in me was a huge, dark, deep, black hole that physically hurt. Hurt so painfully bad.

This week, I am still saddened, but feeling much better. I have a brighter outlook and a bit of hope in my heart. This month is our 4th month of fertility treatments, but today was our second attempt with intra-uterine insemination (IUI). Hubby's sample was really great and healthy and I have 2 mature follicles. Let's hope his tadpoles meet with at least one of my eggs.