23 March 2010

Frustration and guilt

A couple of weeks ago I met up with some of my girl friends, whom I don't see to often these days. I knew at least one of them would ask me about how our "trying to get pregnant" journey is going and I haven't been in the mood to discuss it with them. I know they would be asking out of concern (and curiousity), but it just feels too much like pitty and something else I can't even put to words.

All of the girls there have a kid, and most of them have a very young one. For the most part, they all got pregnant on their first try. Hubby and I have been trying 20+ months and not even a single hint of a positive pregnancy test. No matter how much my friends care and have concern for me, they will never fully understand how I feel. Sometimes my longing to be pregnant and have a baby hurts so bad that I swear it is a physical pain.

Anyway, at one point, one of the girls and I were alone and she asked how things are going and I said "I'd rather not talk about it, thank you." She tried again and said, "but wouldn't it help to talk about it to someone?" Again I replied, "I'd rather not talk about it, thank you." She got a strange look on her face and at that point someone else came into the room and asked me a question, so I was able to change the subject, so to speak.

The girl who asked the question disappeared a few minutes later (to the bathroom). The rest of us girls continued chatting and after a few more minutes had passed, the girl comes out of the bathroom crying. She said she wasn't feeling well and her period was bothering her. She had called her husband and he was on his way to pick her (and the baby) up.

This is where my guilt comes in. I know she said she wasn't feeling well, but up until the point she asked me about my trying to get pregnant, she was happy, bouncy, bubbly and all around seemed to be fine. I can't help but feel that it is my fault she got upset and went home. Yet at the same time, it is my *right* to not discuss my personal issues if I don't want to!

This event was over 2 weeks ago and I still can't stop thinking about it. And I still feel just as bad as I did then. Plus, she hasn't returned my email or text message. I know I could try calling her, but what if she really did go home because she didn't feel well and if I try bringing up the fact that I didn't/don't want to talk about my personal issues it would only be rubbing it in that I don't want to talk about it. Hence, my frustration.