Savored moments

I love my baby boy. I love him more than anything. But some times it is nice to do things on my own (while Mr Siili is at work and isn't able to help). Such things as:

- going pee alone or without Paxlet fussing/screaming in the other room or bouncy chair,
- eating food while it is still hot/warm,
- eating food while both hands are free,
- sleeping in my bed sans Paxlet (yes, I know this is totally dependent on my choices),
- cleaning or doing any household chore in full without Paxlet in my arms or attached to me,
- take a shower longer than 3 minutes,
- go to sauna with Mr Siili, at the same time.

I know these things are minor and Paxlet is growing so fast. (It's already noticeable!) But some days, it's just a bit frustrating.
On the flip side, I love having my baby boy close for some of the following things:

-Paxlet snuggling and falling asleep on my chest,
- waking up to a smiling and cooing Paxlet,
- carrying/wearing Paxlet around so I can share everything with him,
- seeing his smile and being the cause of his laughter.

I'm loving it all, even when I'm a bit frazzled at the edges. If it weren't for Paxlet, I'd never get to know or experience any of these things.

-JustHeather

Waiting game

I feel as if my next words are going to sound ungrateful, but they are how I feel right now: I am so sick of being pregnant!

Don't get me wrong, I have thoroughly enjoyed this pregnancy. I have savored each and every moment of what has been happening to my body. I couldn't wait to have an actual bump (and not just flab), I impatiently waited to feel Paxlet moving, I've enjoyed reaching the 2nd and 3rd trimesters and I've even enjoyed the 'growing pains' that have accompanied the expanding hips and mid-section. I've been extremely lucky and had only one itty bit of spotting very early on, no nausea to really speak of, no health concerns or pregnancy concerns and not even gestational diabetes. This pregnancy has been text book perfect, in my opinion.

That is, I have thoroughly enjoyed this pregnancy, up until a few days ago. After arriving at the 40 week marker, I have found myself slowly getting fed up and frustrated with being pregnant. I just want Paxlet out! I want to meet my little guy! I know that it is 40 weeks, plus or minus two weeks, and that the due date the doctors give us is an estimated date, but I am so over it.

Each day that I wake up and feel no symptoms of impending delivery, I just feel myself getting a bit more anxious and unsettled, not to mention uncomfortable. It is getting hard to sleep comfortably at night and to get out of bed to go pee. It's not very nice to walk to the bus to take it downtown, but it isn't so nice to get in and out of the car, or driving, either. I'm definitely walking waddling much more slowly. I hate sweating, even when I just walk out to the car! Maybe all of these things have been happening for some time, but I'm only just now noticing them in a negative light because I want to be done with this part of the journey.

I'm tired of text messages, phone calls, FB messages and emails asking "How are you doing?" and "How are you feeling?" meaning they want to know if I'm still in one piece or have I given birth yet? I love my friends, but am a bit put off that they have asked for me to send a text message when we're heading to the hospital. They never did that to me when they went into labor. (Yes, I'm bitching, as Mr Siili puts it.) I appreciate that everyone is waiting for our little one to come into this world. They can't be half as excited and anxious as I am (and possibly Mr Siili). I will let the world know when Paxlet decides to grace us with his presence.

I'm sick of spending so much time at home and mostly alone. I know during the week that Mr Siili is working (thank goodness), but my own company is getting boring. There is only so much in the way of conversation that I can have with Rusty and Mansi. I know there are things I can do and should do around the house that would definitely help to pass the time,but I just can't be bothered to get up off my butt and do them. At the same time, I don't want to wander too far from home, because, well, you know...just in case.

I know Paxlet will come when he is good and ready. Unless it is getting closer to 42 weeks, then the hospital notify me to come in and start inducing me.

I'm just tired of this "waiting game".

Frustration and guilt

A couple of weeks ago I met up with some of my girl friends, whom I don't see to often these days. I knew at least one of them would ask me about how our "trying to get pregnant" journey is going and I haven't been in the mood to discuss it with them. I know they would be asking out of concern (and curiousity), but it just feels too much like pitty and something else I can't even put to words.

All of the girls there have a kid, and most of them have a very young one. For the most part, they all got pregnant on their first try. Hubby and I have been trying 20+ months and not even a single hint of a positive pregnancy test. No matter how much my friends care and have concern for me, they will never fully understand how I feel. Sometimes my longing to be pregnant and have a baby hurts so bad that I swear it is a physical pain.

Anyway, at one point, one of the girls and I were alone and she asked how things are going and I said "I'd rather not talk about it, thank you." She tried again and said, "but wouldn't it help to talk about it to someone?" Again I replied, "I'd rather not talk about it, thank you." She got a strange look on her face and at that point someone else came into the room and asked me a question, so I was able to change the subject, so to speak.

The girl who asked the question disappeared a few minutes later (to the bathroom). The rest of us girls continued chatting and after a few more minutes had passed, the girl comes out of the bathroom crying. She said she wasn't feeling well and her period was bothering her. She had called her husband and he was on his way to pick her (and the baby) up.

This is where my guilt comes in. I know she said she wasn't feeling well, but up until the point she asked me about my trying to get pregnant, she was happy, bouncy, bubbly and all around seemed to be fine. I can't help but feel that it is my fault she got upset and went home. Yet at the same time, it is my *right* to not discuss my personal issues if I don't want to!

This event was over 2 weeks ago and I still can't stop thinking about it. And I still feel just as bad as I did then. Plus, she hasn't returned my email or text message. I know I could try calling her, but what if she really did go home because she didn't feel well and if I try bringing up the fact that I didn't/don't want to talk about my personal issues it would only be rubbing it in that I don't want to talk about it. Hence, my frustration.