At this point in time, I'm feeling totally indifferent to it all. I'm not excited about the possibility of being pregnant, if anything I'm sort of dreading it. I know! Who would have thunk, that after almost 3,5 years of trying to get pregnant, that I'd dread getting pregnant? I have my reasons though and I'm going to share them with you.
First off, I've been thinking about it for some time now that maybe we/I should take a break from TTC. I mean, it has been almost 3,5 years, with close to 2 of those years adding hormones to my body. Also, once we've gone through our 3 rounds of IVF and any FETs at the public clinic, I'm done. If we wanted to continue with fertility treatments, we'd need to go through a private clinic. I'm not sure Mr Siili will agree to that. I'm afraid he'll say we have tried what we can and if 3 rounds, what more can be done? I'm also afraid he won't be willing to shell out the added cash any more.
Also, I worry at times that maybe Mr Siili and I just won't make a good family. We argue over the stupidest of stuff. Thankfully not too often. But many of our heated discussions are over the same exact things that we've been discussing for years on end. We just don't seem to know how to resolve them. Mr Siili doesn't want to go to counseling and I'm too chicken and lazy to go on my own. I'm also not sure if Mr Siili really wants to be a dad. Sure, if it happens he'd step up to the plate and be a great dad, most of the time. But then there are those times that worry me a bit.
More recently, finances. We're in the process of talking to banks to see if we can get a loan for our new place. A loan that will own us for the next 23-25 years! And right now, we're operating off of one income, some unemployment and some savings, but savings only go so far. Especially with a loan looming. I also haven't been the bestest about finances and making a financial plan. That's not to say that I've been totally horrible either, just not as good and efficient as I should be. Yes, I know I work in the finance department at my work, but I work in a specific area and with specific tasks. Yes, I also know I went to Int'l Business School, but a lot of what they taught us there was crap and not always useful in the day to day world. Sad, but true.
Along this finance line of thought, Mr Siili is concerned that I'm trying to make my decision to stop TTC for a while a "financial decision", which he says it isn't. We aren't trying to get pregnant for the sake of saving money or to gain money. Money is just money and it is something we need to live, but at the same time it shouldn't stop us from living life (to an extent).
To tie all of these thoughts and concerns together, I've been trying to come to terms with the fact that I may never become a mom. (No, I don't think adoption is an option for us.) This scares the crap out of me. I'm not ready to think this or admit this might be a possibility, but I really do think I need to start thinking about it. Right this instant, I don't feel as if I could live a fulfilled life without a kid and that's a pretty bad place to be. So, in trying not to get my hopes up or let my hopes down, I'm indifferent. I'd also like to know whether or not I need to continue leaking progesterone from my lady bits on a daily basis or not. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'll be elated (and worried) if I do get a BFP next week.
