BattleFish

Paxlet pictures - aka - baby bump pics

2012-02-23T22:24:00.000+02:00

You asked and you shall receive! Hehe. I didn't want to put my pregnancy pictures directly in my posts, instead I've created a page called Paxlet's Pictures where I have put and will continue to put our (semi) weekly photos. I don't think these pictures are nearly as good as Jesica's over at Just Smile and Blog. She is positively glowing and so cute! But, I have always wanted to take pregnancy pictures, so this is what we get.
Enjoy!

14 weeks

2012-02-22T17:58:00.000+02:00

It's been great these last couple of days not having to work!! I've slept in, taken naps and basically done what I've wanted to do: absolutely nothing. Ok, I have done a few things like go wedding dressing hunting with a friend (She thinks she's found the one), food shopping, dishes, laundry and such, but not much else. I've also started reading another book (Danse Macabre by Laurell K. Hamilton), but that's because I want to and not have to. *big grin*

My flu is most of the way gone. Yay! The only thing that is left now is a cough to get the phlegm out of my throat and a sore left nostril from all the nose blowing last week. It's amazing how much better I feel this week.

After a lazy morning of reading in bed, finally getting out of bed to make some sushi for lunch, then sitting and reading and eating said lunch and eventually watching an episode of 16 & pregnant, I thought it might be time to take a short walk outside. But what I saw was the following image. Snow and lots of it coming down. So, I proceeded to watch another TV show, read some more and then turn on the computer. Over all, I think today has been a great day!

Total Weight Loss/Gain: I haven't checked lately, but I'm probably still at my beginning weight of 66kg because of the stupid flu last week.

Maternity Clothes: I've done a bit of looking on a FB group where women sell their used maternity clothes cheaply. I think I'll try to get some stuff from there, at some point.

Sleep: I've been trying to drink a little bit less liquid in the couple of hours leading up to bed time. That seems to help the trips to the bathroom during the night.

Cravings/Aversions: Still eating whatever I want whenever I want. No cravings or aversions. I am learning to eat much smaller than normal portions of food more regularly to help fight the bloating. It's going pretty good this week. It was strange that the potato-carrot puree soup that I made from scratch seemed to make me the most bloated. I ate those foods in other forms quite often and don't have any issues.

Symptoms: The need to pee more often, still a bit tired and feeling bloated sometimes, but more-so in the evening.

What I miss: Not really missing anything at the moment.

What I look forward to: Still can't wait to have a more noticeably visible pregnancy bump. I would also like to hear Paxlet's heart beat. I haven't found it yet with the fetal heart monitor I'm borrowing from a friend.

Moods: Feeling pretty good.

Milestones: Paxlet is the size of a lemon!! We're in the second trimester now, no matter which way you look at it! I bought my first baby purchase since being pregnant. There was some cloth diapers (covers and inserts) at the 2nd hand store, but these things look totally brand new and one of the pieces still has the store tag on it. I only paid 15€ for the 6 pieces, which is roughly valued at 57€. Now I just need to decide if Mr Siili and I are going this route or not.

Medical concerns: I don't think I had too much in the way of a fever during my flu, but I can't help but wonder if it did anything to Paxlet. I know I'll be more relieved when I either hear Paxlet's heartbeat or have my next doctor's appointment (in two weeks).

Sex?: Not for a while. Coughing to the point of gagging or peeing oneself is not sexy and most likely painful to the guy. Thankfully this cough is almost gone.

Misc: Mr Siili is so weird!!! I was just playing a bonus Farkle game on FB and some text said: BONUS GAME OVER. Mr Siili started talking about how the text really said BONER GAME OVUS and how I'm so obsessed about this whole pregnancy and baby thing that I can't stop thinking about boners and ovaries. He also went on to ~~say~~ joke that I was hoping he wouldn't notice it said 'boner game ovus' and show how obsessed I really am. Where he gets this stuff, I just don't know, but it sure makes me laugh!

13 weeks
12 weeks
11 weeks
10 weeks
9 weeks
8 weeks
7 weeks

Mini rant

2012-02-22T16:51:00.000+02:00

Ok, this has been on my mind for a while and I just need to get it out there! I'm sure it'll annoy some, but oh well.

I can't stand the captcha text that many blogs have in order for you to leave a comment. I like leaving comments, but when I have to figure out the letters and take extra time figuring that out, sometimes I just can't be bothered. :( In addition, Blogger's captcha text has even gotten worse lately! There is now not just one word, but two AND they are very hard to read!! What I find even worse is having to type in the text and then your comment is awaiting moderation?! Why not just put all comments on moderation and forgo the captcha text altogether?

Anyway, done with the rant and stepping of my slippery soap box.

Sauna

2012-02-19T21:41:00.001+02:00

A while back, I posted about cleaning the cat's litter box and how you're not really supposed to while pregnant. Here's another thing you're not supposed to do while pregnant (according to some): Sauna.

Last night on FB, I mentioned that I was looking forward to going to sauna. Some friends in a FB group nicely cautioned/advised that I shouldn't be going to sauna, using hot baths or hot tubs while pregnant. For which, I thanked them from the bottom of my heart and I truly meant it. (I've never been in this situation before, I have lots of questions and love been there done that answers! Following them to a T is a different story.) And then I proceed to explain how and why I believe it is okay to go to sauna while pregnant.

First off, I asked the doctor at the very first appointment I had if it was okay to go to sauna, as I know in the USA (and UK) that it is advised against going. The doctor told me it is fine to go throughout my entire pregnancy. So, I do have the professional go ahead.

Another thing, I live in Finland. Finland is the homeland of sauna. In a country of 5 million people and over 2 million saunas (roughly 1 for every household), I think that says a lot. Going to sauna is a weekly (if not more) tradition in Finnish families. It's a time to relax, bond as a family and also get clean. Finnish people, young and old (from a couple of months old on up) have been going to sauna for so long, it's impossible to trace its roots.

When we (Mr Siili and I and most everyone else in Finland) go to sauna, it's not like you see on TV in those competitions: we don't see who can stand the most heat. It's unhealthy and well, just plain silly. We go to sauna to get clean, relax and enjoy. (Often times, so I've been told, even business agreements are made in the sauna.)We can make it as hot or as cool as we want in there and we can change the humidity by tossing more water on the rocks, or not. Also, there is no rule that one has to sit on the top bench all the time. In fact, depending on how I feel, especially now, I sit on the middle bench quite often. It's still pleasantly hot, but not too hot. Also, we sit in sauna for a bit, then leave for a cool refreshing shower. After a bit, we head back into sauna and repeat the process over again until we are done for the evening. (Plus, all my friends are doing it. *giggle*)

I understand the concern others have about going to sauna, especially when it has been taught that it is unhealthy for the baby. And if I was just coming to Finland or going to a spa or health club in the US and not at all used to going to sauna, I would agree that I should not be going to sauna. But having lived in this country for almost 13 years and enjoyed sauna all these years, I think I'm quite acclimated to sauna and its customs.

Here are some sauna links to read if you'd like to learn more:
Finnish Sauna via Wikipedia
Bare facts of the sauna via This is Finland
Finnish Sauna Culture via The Finnish Sauna Society
Sauna and your health (personal website)
Finnish Sauna Secrets (personal website)

Oh For Fucks Sake Friday - February 17th

2012-02-17T20:58:00.000+02:00

I think this week deserves a "Oh For Fucks Sake Friday" post.

* I've been horrendously sick all week. Coughing, nausea, gagging, stuffed up nose, runny nose, not able to breath, fevery, achey, pounding head, burning eyes, cold, hot and just plain ol' miserable. FFS

* Mr Siili hasn't been very supportive of me while I've been sick. He's quite grumpy when he comes home (in my opinion) and then he says I'm being naggy the second I open my mouth. He started it! FFS

* As much as I am loving being pregnant, this peeing all the time is getting old, especially in the middle of the night. FFS

* Monday, after I'd already gone to work (before coming home sick) Mr Siili found cat puke on a rug. He dragged said rug into the bathroom and left it there, permanently. He pushed said rug aside to take a shower, but other than that, it sat on the bathroom floor, in direct sight of the toilet when you sit on it. It made me gag each time I looked at it. I would think that whoever found the puke would take care of it. Not so. FFS

* In my sad miserable state of sickness, I squatted in the bathroom to clean the cat puke off the rug. And then set it to dry. When Mr Siili came home and took a shower, he shoved said rug aside, so it got more damp and not more dry. FFS

* One more rant about my pregnancy: I am so freaking bloated! In the morning not so, but at the day progresses, it gets worse until I am so bloated it hurts. And going pee doesn't help. FFS
On a serious note, does anyone have any suggestions on how to make this bloated-ness even a tiny bit better?

* I'm supposed to go wedding dress shopping on Monday with a friend. And I'm barely feeling any better today, I can only hope 2 more days makes a miracle. FFS

* Next week is also supposed to be a free week from work, I don't have any major plans, but I didn't plan on being sick. So this cold can just F-off! FFS

13 weeks

2012-02-16T17:36:00.002+02:00

...and one day. Yes, I'm a day late post this week, because I've been fantastically sick all week! Prepare for a whoa is me whinge:

I can't remember the last time I've been this miserably sick. It started with a sharp painful cough Sunday evening. By Monday morning I did not want to get ready for work (who does on Monday morning?), but I trudged along and went to work. I stayed most of the day, stupid me. My mind wasn't all there (Mr Siili would say that is normal) and I was nauseous. This nausea was horrendous!! All I can say is that I am even more thankful that I did not have this symptom (this badly) at the beginning of my pregnancy. One day of it was more than enough for me. I stayed home Tuesday, coughing and hacking up parts of my lung. This slimy junk in my throat just doesn't want to come out easily and so I end up gagging most of the time I cough, which leaves me sweaty, shaky and tears in my eyes. I have been trying to remember to take my asthma medicine more, I have sort of succeeded. My throat was so sore and my stomach hurt too from all the coughing/gagging. I didn't sleep well Tuesday night and had to get up early to meet a co-worker visiting from the US at his hotel, near my house, to take him to work. It was planned already last week and I didn't even think of finding someway to get out of it until too late the night before. Oh well. I took the guy into work and stayed there until my doctor's appointment to get sick leave for the rest of the week. Went home with sore ears as 2 stupid teen boys decided to sit behind me and basically yell their conversation the whole trip. I tried to sleep for 3 hours, but I couldn't get warm (until I took a long hot shower), I was achey and I couldn't breath because my nose decided to start running. So, I slept in 10-30 minute intervals, breathing with my mouth open, which then dries my mouth out and then I start coughing, which leads me having to run to the bathroom so I don't pee myself. LOL, this just sucks! I also didn't sleep too well last night, but as the night wore on, I found myself sleeping in longer stretches and being able to breath more. I only woke up to go pee and turn myself to a more comfortable position. My nose isn't running as badly today, but I still ache and feel miserable.

And for some good news! A package arrived for me in the mail yesterday! A lady from my hometown sent me a bag of coconut and cherry M&Ms!!! I haven't eaten too many, as they just aren't appealing at the moment, but I was totally thrilled for this package.

And my other insanely wonderful news: one of my best friends is pregnant!!! She has the very cute 2.5 year old that just loves me and she is now 8 weeks pregnant. She only found out last week that she is pregnant because she hasn't had a period in 4 months. She gets some pretty bad migraines, which completely mess up her hormones. So when she started feeling nausea and puking again, she figured she'd better test and it came up positive. I'm so excited for her and on a slightly selfish note, I'm exited to have a friend on maternity leave at the same time as me.

Now, for this week's weekly update! I've removed a couple that just aren't relevant yet, but I'll put them back in as they become relevant.

Total Weight Loss/Gain: I think I'm right back at my beginning weight of 66kg because of this stupid flu.

Maternity Clothes: This will become a reality soon-ish. My pants are getting tighter and tighter. I'm gonna see what I can do about jerry-rigging my pants so I can fight off buying pants for as long as possible. I hate shopping and don't look forward to it. I still haven't bought any new bras. I just hate trying on bras and I really don't like under-wires. So, I'm thinking I'll buy me some nice soft nursing bras quite soon. I am quite sure I've gone up at least one size around and in cup from a 75D (34C US) to at least an 80DD, although I think I might need an even bigger cup. Bleh.

Sleep: Having to get up and go pee several times a night is putting a bit of a damper on my sleep, but it isn't so bad. I really just need to get a night light so I don't have to have the bright light on every time I go in there.

Cravings/Aversions: Still eating whatever I want whenever I want. No cravings or aversions. Although, sometimes talk about certain foods will make me queasy. Mr Siili thinks that is funny.

Symptoms: The need to pee more often, still a bit tired (but this is also sickness related) and feeling bloated, very bloated, but more-so in the evening.

What I miss: Only waking up once a night to go pee instead of 3 or 4 times. Haha
Not really pregnancy related, but I miss my mom!

What I look forward to: Still can't wait to have a noticeably visible pregnancy bump. I think it is showing more, especially now if/when I don't suck my tummy in. (I should stop doing that for my semi-weekly photos.)

Moods: I cry at the drop of a hat when watching something on TV. It's quite funny really, but also silly. Other than that, I think my moods are like they normally are.

Milestones: Paxlet is the size of a peach!! We're in the second trimester (at least by some books)!

Medical concerns: I sure hope this cold doesn't bother Paxlet. I'm also a bit concerned about all the coughing and sneezing, as my stomach and lady bits are somewhat sore. I'm sure it's normal, but feeling something new for the first time is always something that gives me a quick pause to think about.

Sex?: Still no raging desire in me, but there is still time. There definitely won't be any sex until I'm feeling better and Mr Siili's back isn't hurting.

Misc: I'm thrilled my friend is pregnant. I can't wait to be over this flu. And I really do hope I am feeling better soon, because I would like to go outside, even if for a short bit. The sun was beautiful today and it definitely isn't cold (only -2 to -4C). I've also made an appointment with a friend/co-worker to go wedding dress shopping with her on Monday. Fingers crossed we can kick this flu to the curb.
I'm sick of drinking hot black currant juice and tea, but what else can I drink?!

12 weeks
11 weeks
10 weeks
9 weeks
8 weeks
7 weeks

I caught what everyone else had last week

2012-02-13T21:38:00.000+02:00

Last week at work and in the bus I remember hearing everyone (ok, maybe not everyone, but enough people) coughing and hacking and they DIDN'T COVER THEIR MOUTH! I'm usually the type of person that thinks and says: I'm not going to get sick. Simple as that. I just don't like being sick (who does?) and just don't want to be. It so isn't worth the feelings and effort to get time off work to be home and be sick. But this time around, I remember people coughing and I just felt that here it comes... And then the weekend came and I forgot about it all.

Except on Sunday afternoon, I started coughing a little bit. A harsh and searingly painful cough. And then this morning when I woke up, I didn't feel well, but I still managed to get ready and head to work. The cough wasn't too persistent, but when I did cough, it hurt! And then the nausea kicked in and I just felt like crud. I was worried I wouldn't make the bus ride home without having to make an emergency pit-stop to get off and vomit. But, I made it home. I ate a little something, which sort of quieted my stomach for a very short while and then I crawled into bed, which made my stomach angry again. It was all I could do to keep my stomach where it should be. I managed to sleep for a while, but when I woke up, I felt just a cruddy as before, if not worse. I sent a text message to EK, my team leader, saying that I definitely wasn't going to feel better by morning. And by some miraculous way, an hour and a half later, the nausea has subsided a bit, but I still feel like crud. I think I'll go crawl into bed and hope I feel better tomorrow.

I would like to feel better by tomorrow, as tomorrow is Ysävänpäivää (Friend day) also known as Valentine's Day everywhere else. And for the first time in ages I've managed to get Mr Siili to do something with me for it. A restaurant chain in town is having a special where if you buy two of the same main meals, you get the 2nd one free. Our reservation is made, but we might have to un-make it. But I guess this is better than last year's V-day when Mr Siili was in the hospital for appendix surgery.

I did it! I told my co-workers!

2012-02-11T18:40:00.000+02:00

I did it! I told my co-workers that I'm pregnant yesterday! It wasn't quite how I had planned it, but it worked. And now I've got a different secret to keep for a while.

First, let me give a little background on this. Last Sunday, I posted about being nervous as to how I was going to tell my co-workers. So, I asked two women who have been pregnant at my work how they told everyone their news. The first one is my former team leader and she said she told everyone during a team meeting. The other lady said that she made some comment about being extremely tired during a coffee break and one of the other girls said "You must be pregnant", to which she replied, "Why, yes I am". And from there the word spread. So she didn't really "officially" tell anyone, it just sort of got out.

And now back to yesterday at work. Earlier in the day, my former team leader started chatting with me (via a chat program) asking if I told everyone earlier in the week during our coffee break where I had baked something and shared it with everyone. I told her I hadn't said anything yet and that I had baked just because. She then asked when I planned on telling everyone, how it would make holiday planning easier for everyone if they knew and so on. She didn't want it to seem like she was rushing or pushing me, but just that she was curious. I told her I wanted to tell and that I probably should tell, but that I was still unsure of how to go about it.

During this chat with the former team leader, I started chatting (verbally & via the chat program) with the one co-worker in my team that did know I was pregnant, as he sits right next to me. Often times we chat half via the chat program and half verbally, quite interesting to listen to I'm sure. I told him what our former team leader was saying and that I just didn't know what or how to say I'm pregnant to the team. He told me the summer holiday thing was a good idea and that I could casually mention during lunch or a coffee break when the topic of summer holidays came up (or try to steer conversation towards that) about my extended summer "holiday" plans. At one point the guy said something (funny, I think) and tears started welling up in my eyes and I started crying and laughing. I tried telling him I had no idea where these tears came from and they were completely unfounded! He said he knew where they came from and that they were founded. LOL

Anyway, from these two conversations, I now had it ~~mostly~~ figured out how I was going to tell people. I liked the idea of summer holidays and it being able to be brought up during a regular conversation. And most likely not everyone would be there at once, so I wouldn't have to face the entire peanut gallery at once. What is really weird (to me) about this whole situation is that normally I don't have issues speaking up and saying what's on my mind, especially when it is around a group of people I know. This whole "announcing" thing and bringing all of the attention focused solely on me, is just a bit too strange. So, it was now just time to wait for the opportunity to strike.

Then our team meeting happened (during the time most people take their afternoon coffee break). We've recently gotten 4 new people to our team and the EK thought it would be nice if we could go around the room introducing ourselves with our name, how long we've worked there and which units we handle. Someone jokingly said it was sort of like AA meeting, except instead of how long they had been clean, someone said hold old they are. We all had a laugh and people started introducing themselves stating their names, how old they are and their units. For the first few introductions, others would say "You don't need to say your age if you don't want to", but people kept saying it. So finally my turn came, half way around the circle and I said: "My name is Heather, I'm 35 years old and I previously handled this, but now I'm doing this". And this next part is where it gets a bit fuzzy, as I just got totally nervous and blurted out weird stuff. I continued, "And while everyone is sharing a little bit about themselves, I just wanted to say that I'll be taking an long summer holiday this year because... *gulp* ...I'm pregnant". It felt like minutes, but I'm sure it was only seconds while everyone processed what I said and then started saying congrats and clapping. I honestly don't remember exactly what happened because I was in my own world of embarrassment and burning cheeks. It was then the girl's turn next to me.

Again, I can't remember the exact order of this as things were still a bit fuzzy, but soon after I told my news, the girl who was next to introduce herself turned to me and whispered "I'm pregnant too!". And then a few seconds later she turned to me again and said "I haven't told EK yet." and I whispered to her "No worries". I did talk to her a bit later in the day and told her congrats and found out she is a week behind me. It'll be cool to have someone else on the team going through the same thing, but I have to say, I'm selfishly glad I told my news first.

And wave 4 of my team's department of pregnancies begins. At least this time, I'm a part of it!

12 weeks

2012-02-08T23:29:00.003+02:00

My 12 week scan was today and it was awesome! I'm feeling much more relaxed and confident now. More about at the end of this post under the Misc topic.

Total Weight Loss/Gain: +1-2kg, at most (starting 66kg)

Maternity Clothes: Not yet. I'm just unbuttoning my pants when I sit for too long.

Stretch marks: None yet.

Sleep: Still needing more sleep than usual for me. But it is still good sleep, usually. Sometimes I have weirder than normal dreams, but I can generally fall back asleep after the weirdest ones quite easily.

Movement: Not feeling any movement yet, but I'm "practicing" feeling it every night. As I fall asleep, I lay with my hands on my stomach waiting for Paxlet to wiggle.

Cravings/Aversions: Still only avoiding sweets off and on.

Gender: No idea!

Symptoms: Nothing really new: So long as I eat regularly and not too much at a time, I feel fine. I'm peeing much more. And I'm still quite tired each evening and especially after lunch. I just can't seem to function for about an hour to an hour and a half after I've eaten.

What I miss: Nothing! Maybe a tiny thing I'm missing is not having any friends in town with me who are also pregnant. My closest friends have kids who are 7 years, 3.5 years, 2.5 years (*2) and just over 1 year. I totally missed having a kid at the same time as everyone else.

What I look forward to: Having a visible (to everyone else) bump and feeling Paxlet move!

Moods: Normal for the most part. I did have a grump session with Mr Siili who reciprocated in kind. Haha

Milestones: 12 week scan today!!! edited to add: Paxlet is the size of a plum as of today!

Medical concerns: No concerns. I'm not sure if it is the cold weather or pregnancy (or my lack of taking my meds as regularly as I should), but my asthma seems to be acting up a bit. Much more phlegm in my throat than usual, but thankfully nothing more than that.

Sex?: :)

Misc: As soon as the doctor put the ultrasound on my tummy, my eyes misted a bit. Such a great sight to see! Paxlet is measuring spot on! As per my EDD (confirmed once again today), Paxlet should be 12weeks 0days, which is where s/he is, exactly! The external ultrasound was quite blurry still (as the doctor explained it most likely would be), so she switched to the wand. We got to see the heart beat, but not hear it. Tiny bummer, but oh well. There is a beautiful head, spine, heart, stomach, bladder, arms, elbows, knees and feet! Towards the end the doctor jiggled my tummy to get Paxlet to move and boy, did s/he! Paxlet put on a little show for us and then turned away from us as if to say, "Ok, I moved for you, now leave me alone". Hehe! Sounds like Paxlet is already taking after mom and dad. I don't remember too many numbers, except for the ranges for possible Down Syndrome. For my age (35.5 years) it was 1:350, which is decent. And for Paxlet's measurements it was 1:3250. (At least close to that.). The doctor talked to us a bit after the ultrasound, gave us 2 pictures and we scheduled a more detailed scan when I am 20 weeks. Not much more was done after that, so Mr Siili and I went back to work.

Mr Siili still hasn't said too much about this whole pregnancy thing. Well, he did comment that I need to be much more careful and not be so spazzy and clumsy. *eye roll* It's not as if I do those things on purpose! And he does say little things here and there, so I know he is thinking about it some, but I'd just love to talk to him more about it. I'm still going to give him some time and try to catch him at a good moment.

I'm just really relieved to see Paxlet alive and wiggling. I feel like I can definitely relax, at least for the time being. Who knows what the future holds, but for today it is quite bright and I'm very happy and thankful!

11 weeks
10 weeks
9 weeks
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7 weeks

12 week ultrasound moved to Wednesday

2012-02-07T13:00:00.000+02:00

So, I just got a call from the nurse at the doctor's office, 30 minutes before our appointment, the doctor just went home sick. So, we rescheduled the appointment for Wednesday afternoon. I'm a bit bummed that our appointment got cancelled today, but glad that it is only one more day's wait.

Getting some sleep last night did help the panic, nerves and scared feelings mostly go away.

12 week ultrasound tomorrow

2012-02-06T22:00:00.000+02:00

And I'm scared!

Hormonally, this makes sense (sort of), but rationally it doesn't, but I can't help myself. I've not had any spotting, no previous miscarriages, no flu or colds recently, no unbearable pain or anything that should make me worry about something being wrong. But I've read too many blogs to know that anything can happy and does happen. And I'm still scared!

I'm thankful that I haven't been worried, nervous or scared about this scan up until yesterday (or so) and today. I'm truly enjoying the fact that I am pregnant. And I'm still totally amazed by it. I want this ultrasound tomorrow to go well! I want it with all my heart and as much as I have wanted this pregnancy.

I talked to my sister-in-law this evening on my way home from work. She sort of allayed my fears, a tiny but, but not fully. I've also cried to Mr Siili this evening and it sort of helped. But I don't think anything will really help until we get to the doctor's appointment and see Paxlet alive and kicking tomorrow.

I'm heading to bed in hopes of getting some sleep this evening, because I really need it!

p.s. Thank you everyone for your comments on yesterday's post about how to tell my co-workers about my pregnancy. I still haven't figured it out yet, but I've got things to think on now.

Help! How to break the news to my co-workers?

2012-02-05T20:52:00.001+02:00

It's Sunday evening already! Where does the weekend go?
Friday I left work early, to make up for staying late on Thursday and because I wanted to leave early. While waiting to meet up with a friend downtown, I tried on bras. (I'm now at least a 80DD, that one cup and one size bigger, although I think I might still need something bigger.) I found one bra that was ok (in store) and on sale for only 6€, but I didn't buy it. After I met up with my friend, we looked for shoes for her without any success. Then we went to my house to pick up the food I'd made, to the food and liquor store and eventually (only 25min late) to our final destination: another friends house. In all there was 4 of us hanging out, eating, chatting and having a good time. When I got home, I basically crawled straight into bed.

After sleeping almost 11 hours, I woke up, watched the two most recent episodes of American Idol and then scrambled to get ready to brave the freezing temperatures outside to meet some other friends downtown for food. We hung out at a cafe, where I ended up telling them I'm pregnant (none of them have kids, only god-kids and nieces/nephews). Later we went for food and chatted even more. I had a yummy Bacon & BBQ burger with sweet potato fries. Yum!

Today, Mr Siili and I walked to the food stores and back, in slightly less freezing weather than we've been having the rest of this week. It was colder coming home because the wind was against us. When we got home, I finished watching Vampire Diaries (one of my silly vices, I know!) and then decided to vacuum. I vacuumed half of our place and then did the dishes, but by the time I was mostly done with the dishes, my abdomen area was hurting enough that I couldn't stand up straight without it hurting. The living room remains unvacuumed. I think walking to the stores and then vacuuming was too much for me. *sigh*

Finland had second and final round of voting for a new president. We'll find out tonight or tomorrow the latest who our new President is. The last 12 years (2 terms) Finland has had a female President: Tarja Halonen. She was the first female president and it was pretty cool to be here when she was elected into office the first time around. I was a bad Finn (just like I'm a bad American) and didn't vote. (Neither did Mr Siili.)

Help! How does one go about telling their coworkers they are pregnant?
I told my team leader (immediate boss aka EK) this afternoon that I am pregnant. My former team leader and big boss already know and have known almost as long as I have. Whether that was smart or not, who knows, but they know a fair share of my journey and have been totally supportive of me. Anywho, the reason for telling EK "already" is that she sent an email out on Friday asking if we had any input about her training plans for the new people that are joining us this next week. I thought I'd let her know I was pregnant now, not that it affects the training plans so much now, but in the near-ish future and just in case someone would need to be hired to cover for me when I go on maternity leave.

Our 12 week scan is on Tuesday and then we have a team meeting on Friday. I was thinking of telling everyone then. As I figured everyone would be in the same place at once. I'd be able to do it and get it over with. But when I told Mr Siili these thoughts, he reacted quite badly. He asked if I was trying to be a drama queen and was that really the time and place to let people know. He asked if wouldn't it be better to just tell during a coffee break? My reply was that not everyone goes to coffee breaks at the same time and I don't want some to know and others not. Not that I really feel the need to tell all of them anyway, but...I'd rather have it out in the open so I don't have to be concerned with saying or not saying anything. Mr Siili's other suggestion was to just wait and let my growing tummy (not that you can really see anything yet) tell for itself.

Ugh! I'm almost thinking of just not telling anyone or maybe the random person and letting it get leaked out like a rumour. Hahahaha! Thoughts anyone?

Socks alive!

2012-02-02T22:43:00.000+02:00

This post has been a few days in the making, but I've just been so exhausted once I get home, that I just don't have the energy to do anything extra. (And I've been quite busy at work that it has been hard to post there. *bad me* It took me an entire shift to write 11 weeks.) But today, I'm going to get this posted and then crawl into bed.

At the end of last year, Cristy at Searching four our silver lining had a sign up for a fertility sock exchange. I'd see people do this on other blogs, but I either didn't find it in time or I just didn't sign up. This time, I jumped right in and signed up!

I was partnered with Still hoping at Hope Delayed. And earlier this week, I received a package from her with not one, nor two, but 3 pairs of socks in it!! I LOVE love these socks! They are the perfect colors for me, the designs are awesome and I was recently thinking about needing some new short socks. Talk about perfect all around.

The first picture is me wearing two pairs of the socks at work. (I do have pants on, I just hiked them up and out of the way for the picture.) And the bottom picture is the pair I haven't worn yet, with the card Still hoping sent too.

Funny thing is, I sent argyle socks to Still hoping too!

Thank you, Christy, for organizing this exchange. Thank you, Still hoping, for being my partner in this exchange!

I'm off to bed now!
But first, I realized that maybe I should explain the title of this post. *grin* Growing up, often times when my dad (he started it) or one of us kids would take our socks off, we'd wad them up and throw them at one another, yelling "socks alive!". If you knew my family and their stinky feet, you'd know these socks definitely were alive!!! (Thankfully, I didn't inherit that gene.) And now, you know the rest of the story.
And I'm really off to bed now.

11 weeks

2012-02-01T16:07:00.001+02:00

Total Weight Loss/Gain: Maybe +1kg, 2kg at most. (Starting weight 66kg)

Maternity Clothes: Not using any yet. I've caught myself thinking about the couple pieces of clothes a friend has given me a while ago. Maybe I should check them out and actually try them on. My regular pants are semi tight (still) and the ones that were previously loose and needing a belt to stay up, no longer need a belt. I do find myself needing to unbutton them while sitting for longer periods of time (namely, at work).

Stretch marks: None that are pregnancy related yet.

Sleep: Yup, every night. *grin* It's generally the cat whinging (Rusty) that wakes me up (or Mr Siili yelling at said cat that wakes me up) or the weird dreams I am having. Very strange dreams lately. Stranger and maybe even more than normally.

Movement: I've read that Paxlet should be moving around by now, and that it looks like water ballet, but I'm not feeling these movements and most likely won't for some time still.

Cravings/Aversions: None really.

Gender: Still waiting... (Here's a comic from XKCD about Baby Names. Hover over the image for some extra text.)

Symptoms: I'm freezing!! Almost all of the time I'm so cold. And having it be -20C (or colder) outside right now, does NOT help.
I've been having stomach/uterus area twinges and pangs, esp when turning over in bed and sleep. Or when I sit up to grab the cat from the floor (to shut him up). They aren't necessarily unpleasant, they just make themselves known. I've been told this could be round ligament pains (RLP).
I'm definitely needing to pee more often. Also, if I don't go pee soon enough, I can feel my eyeballs floating. No kidding! That's what it feels like, along with a general feeling of unpleasantness until I empty my bladder.

What I miss: Nothing. Well, to be fully honest, I'm missing Cinnamon Gummy bears and Lemonheads from the US at the moment. *grin*

What I look forward to: 12 week scan! This appointment is with the doctor (not the neuvola nurse) and an ultrasound machine.
Having a bump!
My week off of work during Feb 20th-26th.

Moods: Moods have been normal (in my opinion) for the most part. Except, my emotional meltdown last weekend.

Milestones: OMGosh! Day one of week 11. I couldn't have ever imagined getting this far. Not that I had any prior pregnancy issues with getting to this stage, it just seems so unreal.
Paxlet is the size of a lime!

Medical concerns: None. On a side note, I do keep checking the TP each time I go to the bathroom. I don't expect spotting, but rather just because of the yeast infection during and after progesterone. I want to make sure that any leakage I have is 'normal' leakage.

Sex?: :)

Misc: I'm trying to figure out when to start telling the rest of the world (mainly work) about Paxlet. I definitely won't be telling before next week's doctor appointment and scan. In some respects, it would be great to just get it done and over with so then I don't have to worry about what I say or don't say. On the other hand...I just don't know what to say or when to say. Suggestions, ideas or experiences anyone?

10 weeks
9 weeks
8 weeks
7 weeks

Colder than a witch's...

2012-01-30T14:28:00.001+02:00

...boob* outside! Yes, it is THAT cold here! I know that I live in the north and that it IS winter, but I did warn back in December that I was going to be sick of this wintry-weather sometime in January or February. And look at that, the 2nd to last day of January and I'm complaining about it! Hah!

This morning when I woke up, it was -15C (5F) outside! And I'm expected to go out in that to get to work?! Argh! I've been freezing my behind off for the last several weeks and it's been only -11C or warmer. (I think this might be a pregnancy symptom, my being cold that is and not the below freezing temperatures, after talking to a friend about it.) As it is, I've been wearing pants/jeans and my outer winter pants on the bottom and at least 2-3 layers of shirts plus my winter jacket on top. I've also got ear muffs, a hat and 2 scarves on my head. And I've still been cold. Ok, the worst of it is when it is windy plus cold, as the cold isn't so bad, but the wind IS. And later this week it is supposed to go down to -30C (-22F). I'm shivering already just thinking about it.

Ma=Monday, Ti=tuesday, etc

This coldness also brought out (what I consider) my first pregnancy hormonal breakdown. And Mr Siili didn't make it any easier, drat that man! We didn't leave the house on Saturday for food shopping and so in my opinion we really needed to go on Sunday. I am sure we could have scrounged up something ok to eat between the freezer and pantry, but I wasn't in the mood for that. Actually, I wasn't in the mood for cooking at all and Mr Siili didn't want to go to the store with me and it was cold outside! He also wasn't being too helpful in creating the shopping list. We continued to chat about me going or not going to the store, I tried to cajole him into coming (still a solid "no" on his part) and he eventually even looked up the bus schedule so I only had to walk to the bus stop 3 minutes away (and then I'd have to stand in the cold waiting for the bus!). But I did want to get a tiny walk in this weekend, especially after we sat around all day Friday evening and Saturday. This whole situation was pretty stupid, but I just couldn't help it and started ~~crying~~ sobbing. Mr Siili at least came to give me a hug and try to calm me, but by that point, I wasn't in the mood for it. LOL. I finished getting ready and sulked my way to the store. I did call him while at the store to reiterate that I didn't want to cook, to which he said he would do the cooking (I did dishes) and made a big deal about cooking for me. (I normally cook for us most days.)
I did tell him later on how I felt during this episode and that his response to it didn't help or make me feel good. Let's hope he's a but more understanding for next time. I think I need to somehow get him reading some of the "waiting for baby" books/pamphlets, so he can maybe understand more.

*I don't like the 3 letter word for a mammary gland, so boob it is!

Cleaning the cat litter box and other things you're not supposed to do while pregnant

2012-01-27T17:02:00.003+02:00

Yes, I know! I shouldn't be cleaning the cat litter box. But I have read up on it a bit and I've gotten some good info I rely from Pam Johnson-Bennett, feline bahviourist (amazing lady and wonderful with cats, I've had first hand experience with her, via the internet, but still directly from her). The following link gives tips on how to prepare you cat for when the baby arrives and also talk about toxoplasmosis during pregnancy.

So, while I was explaining my excuses (below) about why I still clean the cats' littler box to an online group of friends, I realized this might be a good blog post. So, here it is and here are my excuses why I am still cleaning the cats' litter box:

1. I have always cleaned the litter box, except when I am out of town (can't very well do it when you're not in the same house as the cats, right?). It was part of Mr Siili's and my agreement before we even got the cats.

2. When I clean it, it gets done on a regular basis: 2x a day, (once in the morning and once at night...), which I'm not sure DH would be good about doing. Plus, we have 2 cats and 1 box, it HAS to be done twice a day.

3. I know DH wouldn't do it as good as I do (based on past experiences when I have been out of town) and the entire box would have to be cleaned more often, which leads to wasting litter & money.

4. I use gloves when I clean the littler box, then I wash the gloves after I clean the box and then my my hands after I remove the gloves. (Side note, I should probably add a mask for my mouth and nose while cleaning the box just to be even safer. I have 2 very cute ones and they are super-duper easy to make.)

5. When I can no longer squat down, it will have to be Mr Siili's job. Plus, I hope by that time we will be in our new place, so we can have at least 2 boxes, so the urgency to scoop 2 times a day will be a bit less. (Not that we should be lazy and only scoop once a day.)

6. Our cats are indoor only and don't get raw meat (except for the rare times Mr Siili gives Rusty an itty-bitty pinch of hamburger, which I have told him is now 100% off limits), so likeliness of Toxoplasmosis isn't as high as if they were outdoor cats. From above mentioned preparing your cat article:

And that's all my excuses on why I am still cleaning the litter box, for now. What do you do (or have you done) during pregnancy that you really shouldn't be doing? Please don't let me be the only blogger that doesn't always play by the rules.

Some cats do carry toxoplasmosis but the ones most at risk are those who are allowed outdoors and as a result, hunt and ingest birds and rodents. Cats on raw food diets are also more at risk.
AND
You are at more of a risk of getting toxoplasmosis from handling raw meat, not properly washing your hands, or from using the same cutting board for vegetables that you use for raw meat.

7. Women (and a close friend) have been doing this (pregnancy & caring for cats) 'for-eva' and still had healthy kids. I have to believe the same.

8. It just makes life easier for now.

p.s. OMG! Blogger is having issues and I've had to go in and re-organize and fix the text a couple of times already.

10 weeks 0 days

2012-01-25T18:37:00.002+02:00

I just realized last night and today that when I'm saying "X weeks", for example, today is 10 weeks and 0 days, it is really week 11 of my pregnancy. I suspected there was some 'different' counting going on, but it only just fully dawned on me now. ugh! In any case, I'm going to continue posting things the same, for now. Maybe at some point, when I understand it better or someone explains it to me so that I fully understand, I can change how I am counting things. But for now, it is 10 weeks and I'm writing about everything that happened during the last week.

Total Weight Loss/Gain: +1kg (starting 66kg)

Maternity Clothes: Not yet, but more of my pants are definitely getting tighter!

Stretch marks: None yet

Sleep: I love sleep! And I do need a decent amount, but I'm not nearly as exhausted as I was previously.

Movement: I read that Paxlet should be moving now, but I won't be feeling it for a while. I can't wait to start feeling s/he move.

Cravings/Aversions: Nothing so far. I'm still eating what I like and I do like sushi.

Gender: Still don't know.

Symptoms: Like last week, any previous symptoms that I had seem to have gone away. I have been a bit bloated-feeling lately. That's not so nice, but manageable. I did have a weird vision and dizziness thing happen Tuesday morning on the way to work. It was quite freaky and scared me a bit, but it hasn't happened since and from reading one of my books, it sounds quite normal.
I'm a bit emotional, but nothing overly dramatic, mostly just teary-eyed stuff. While watching American Idol, I started getting teary eyed and it wasn't even a sappy part either. WTF?

What I miss: Nothing.

What I look forward to: Two more weeks until 12 weeks and our first big ultrasound! (After that is when I'll announce it to all work people.) I'm still looking forward to having a pregnancy bump and feeling Paxlet move.

Moods: In general, I think my moods are mostly the same, at least on the outside. On the inside I'm definitely a bit nervous and apprehensive. I really really want this pregnancy to work out.
I wasn't feeling to hot Monday evening and most of Tuesday and it just made me nervous and well, not feeling well. It didn't help that Mr Siili was in a bad mood and barking at me and the cats. I think I'll need to tell him how it really did effect me, as I don't think he's quite understanding of how real this pregnancy is. I think it'll take until he sees me getting bigger or feels Paxlet move for him to really understand it. (And maybe when the stress of the loan and insurance stuff lessens a bit he can try to enjoy it a bit with me.)

Milestones: Paxlet is the size of a prune starting today! Go Paxlet!

Medical concerns: No serious ones. I think I need to be more careful about how much I walk. The hour to an hour and a half walks just make me hurt and not in a good way.
I have been wondering if I still have a yeast infection, but I'm not really leaking or itching, so I wonder if it is just maybe normal stuff. If it gets any worse or changes, I'll definitely talk to someone before our 12 week appointment.

Sex?: Once so far since all progesterone and yeast meds have been done with! It was probably one of the worst sexual experiences I've ever had with Mr Siili. I think I was just nervous and not totally in the mood. So, it hurt a little bit. :( Fingers crossed that next time is better!

Misc: I find myself getting nervous when I think about telling someone that I'm pregnant, even close friends.
I know everyone is going to be happy for us, but it still makes my heart race a bit beforehand.

9 weeks
8 weeks
7 weeks

Happy Lunar New Year!

2012-01-24T00:39:00.000+02:00

I've been eagerly awaiting this Lunar New Year and now it is here!! The year of the Water Dragon has begun.

As I just commented on a blog, I'm a bit wishy-washy when it comes to (western and Chinese) astrology. There are parts of it that I agree with and find spot on...and I want to believe, but sometimes, meh, it just doesn't work.

But because I am excited for my year, the year of the Dragon, baby!, this post is going to be about the believing part of me. Being a dragon myself, plus the potential of having a dragon baby of my own...too cool! I was born in 1976 under the auspicious year of the Fire Dragon. I am also a Leo in western astrology. (If I remember correctly, I am a triple or quadruple Leo ~~threat~~.) Two of the strongest and "kings" of their world animals in both of their realms. That's a lot to live up to. *snicker*

I found a website that gives quite a bit of info about each of the signs and I like what they have to say. It is a wedding planning website, but I still like the info provided. I'd love to copy tons of the info to my blog, but I'll try to stick to the "most important".

Mr Siili is a Tiger. This is what they say about a Dragon-Tiger match:

A gutsy combination full of gusto to fuel passions

Poor Mr Siili has to deal with this aspects of a Dragon in love (and it's quite true):

It takes someone with thick skin who is easygoing to be a Dragon's partner, because, despite their sentimental characters, they can be moody, and insensitive. Many people will want to run when the Dragon's temper is provoked. Negatively, Dragons are egotistical and love to be the center of attention. Modesty is not one of his assets. Add to that the Dragon temper and you have a bossy, dominating and authoritative being. They hate solicited advice and can be hopelessly tactless and insensitive to their lovers.

Paxlet will be a Water Dragon. They say that Dragon-Dragon parent child relationships are quite compatible (4 stars out of 4). Like Mother like Daughter, is the saying.
Where as a Dog-Dragon relationship (my mom and I) only have one star for compatibility. (Man oh man, was that true! HA) They say Dogs and Dragons are mortal enemies. I believe my mom's western sign and mine weren't that compatible either. Thankfully we worked on working things out in the last years.

I don't really have much info to give or much to contribute by this post, except that I love Dragons (and frogs) and have for years! So, anything dragon is just great by me. And I really wanted to wish a Happy New Lunar Year, which I've now done. I can go to bed now.

January ICLW

2012-01-21T17:59:00.000+02:00

Welcome to January's International Comment Leaving Week.

I've been ~~playing FB games~~ sitting here for quite some time trying to figure out what to say for this month's ICLW intro post. And I still have no idea. As usual, I am amazed that 2/3 of the month has gone by already. Where did it go?

A bit about me for those who are new here: I'm 35 and a half years old, Mr Siili (my husband) is 37 and a half years young (or maybe it's the other way around). We've got two furball cats, that are sweet, lovable and cuddle-bugs. I'm pregnant with our first kid and that is due in late August. It took us 3,5 years to get here and I'm beyond thrilled about it, now that I'm finally believing that I'm actually pregnant! We will be signing the loan papers for our new house on Monday (for real this time) and we move in in about 5 months. We're both employed, finally! (I've been a the same company/job almost 4 years and he's been at his job since the beginning of the year after getting his PhD almost a year ago.)
We're just your ~~normal~~ average couple trying to live our lives.

Let me know you stopped by. A quick 'hello' will do. Or if you want to say a little something more, tell me what your weather's been like lately.

Here in Finland, we've finally gotten winter weather: cold and snow, plus some winter storms with wind. It took a long time to get here, but it's beautiful! Especially when I can choose to stay inside and watch it from the window or prepare myself beforehand to head out into it for a nice walk.

And just because, here's a few photos I've taken during the last week or so. Excuse the quality, they were taken with my camera phone.

The bus coming to take me ~~away~~ to work.

Walking across the railway bridge to work after I got off the bus.


Attached to the railway bridge divider-wall. I walked past this for 2 weeks before taking a picture and the following day, it was gone. Hahah

Walking home from the stores: by the little pond/lake. It's 8pm.

Still walking home, but this is next to some buildings with light. I love these trees!

When, Not If

2012-01-19T22:09:00.001+02:00

Since my therapist appointment yesterday, I've been thinking quite a bit about using "when" and not "if" when talking about my/our future now that I am pregnant. But this sure is difficult!

I can remember before we ever started TTC, I would quite often talk to my friends about "when I'm a mom" or "when I have kids", etc. And then we did start TTC and I was even more excited about "when" I'd finally be a mom and "when" I'd get to do stuff with my kids. Even after TTC for a year and a half, plus surgery, I will still quite optimistic about "when". I'm quite sure that even during the first couple of cycles with IUIs, I was still talking about "when".

What I don't remember is when my "whens" turned to "ifs". How did I start thinking and talking about "if I get pregnant" or "if I ever become a mom"? How did it happen that when talking with my friends, I no longer got as excited to tell them "when I have a kid, we're going to..."?

Even now, when I am 9 weeks pregnant and the therapist asked me to describe "how my life will be in a year, when all things go correct", how come it was so hard to tell her my plans "when"? I was so unsure in my telling our future and how I see things when all things go correct, that I had to do it two times. The second telling I had to take my time and choose my words carefully. I had to think about using "when" and not "if" or "hopefully" or "maybe". It really was difficult! But when I did manage to tell how I see our future "when", it sure felt great! It was like this little gate popped open inside of me. (I am sure I got a goofy grin on my face.) I was able to peak through the gate and start to see that there really could be a great future "when" everything goes well. And that is what has been happening since. I've been slowly thinking more and more of "when" and not "if".

So, here's my story I told the therapist about "when" things go great and where I see us in a year:
When I give birth to my baby this summer, my family (dad, siblings and maybe even stepmom) will come visit us. We'll have been in our new home for a while, so they'll have a place to stay with us and not need a hotel. Mr Siili will still be working at his job and he'll like what he is doing (even if he doesn't love it, he'll be happy enough). I year from now, I will still be at home with our little one. The three of us will be a happy family even if we don't always get enough sleep. (Ok,so I just added this last sentence. *grin*)

9 weeks!

2012-01-18T16:21:00.001+02:00

Total Weight Loss/Gain: starting weight 65,5kg and I'm around 66kg. (I think it is just my scales aren't very accurate.)

Maternity Clothes: Not yet, but some of my more fitting pants are getting a bit tight and uncomfy around the stomach area. Yesterday I had to unbutton the pants to be comfortable.

Stretch marks: Nothing new yet.

Sleep: Still need lots of sleep and as long as Rusty (cat) doesn't wake me, I sleep well.

Movement: None from Paxlet, but I've been trying to walk several times a week until I am not so tired and can get back in the gym again.

Cravings/Aversions: Nothing special.

Gender: My stepmom thinks I'm going to have a Leo-Virgo boy. This is based on the due date and the fact that the 2 serious relationships in my life (ex-BF and Mr Siili) are born around this time. I've been feeling like it is a girl lately. No idea why.

Symptoms: The symptoms that I've had seem to have mostly gone away, except for tiredness. The slighly nausea I've had is mostly gone, only showing up when I don't eat often enough or too much at once.

What I miss: Nothing so far.

What I look forward to: I can't wait to have an actual bump! I'm also looking forward to my 12 week doctor's appointment where we'll see and hear Paxlet. I also look forward to telling my close friends, if we can ever meet up.

Moods: Mostly normal, but an extra bit weepy.

Milestones: I had my first neuvola appointment on Monday. Paxlet is the size of a green olive!!

Medical concerns: None.

Sex?: Not yet, because I have/had a yeast infection. Wait until the weekend though.. WooHoo!

Misc: I've noticed that I'm unconsiously rubbing stomach more often, especially at home or when falling asleep.

Today was my third and final therapist appointment. I didn't do the homework assignment she assigned me of writing down my thoughts (4 x 20 minutes) on not becoming a mom, because well, I found out that Friday after our last appointment that I'm pregnant. The therapist was fine with that. Since things had changed so much since I had last seen here 5,5 weeks ago, she wasn't quite sure what to discuss with me. But, she did ask me to tell her how I imagine my life in a year, when all things go well. I told her that if the pregnancy works, I would hope that my dad & siblings (and maybe even stepmom) would come visit, Mr Siili and I would be living in our new home and I'd maybe be at home with a kid and we'd hopefully be happy. She told me to re-tell the story, but this time, tell it "when" things happen and how things will be in a year and not "if" things happen.
Do you realize how hard it is to tell a happy ending story without any IFs in it?

8 weeks
7 weeks

First neuvola appointment

2012-01-17T17:36:00.000+02:00

Yesterday was my first neuvola appointment. It was a nice, information and long (1,5 hours) meeting with the lady who will be my nurse to go to during all things pregnancy (though, not my nurse at the hospital).

I actually found something in English that explains quite nicely what neuvola is and does. First and foremost, neuvola is broken down into two sections: maternity and pre-school aged children. Below is the explanation for the maternity clinics.

Maternity clinics provide family support, with attention to relationships and parenting. Special emphasis is placed on the role of fathers and parental responsibility. Expectant mothers normally meet with a nurse and doctor 11-15 times during pregnancy. Attending a maternity clinic is one of the preconditions for eligibility for maternity benefit.

In addition, parents take part in family and childbirth preparation sessions. Visits monitor the progress of the pregnancy and arrange for mothers to receive follow-up treatment in the event of problems. Mothers are offered screening for foetal chromosome and growth defects during pregnancy.

I learned yesterday that these neuvola visits are free! It is only the doctor visits that will cost (normal public doctor's fee, I'm assuming). The doctor's visits are where/when the ultrasounds will happen. As long as everything goes well during my pregnancy, I'll only see the doctor 3 times (from my understanding). So that means the rest of the times will be with the nurse only.
Anyway, back to me and my neuvola visit. *grin* As I said the entire appointment was 1,5 hours long and we spoke only Finnish, although the nurse was willing to speak English if I needed it. (It sure is nice to know I can survive in Finnish even with pregnancy stuff!) First we just chatted a bit so she got to know me and where I'm coming from, how long we tried to get pregnant, how Mr Siili and I met, our families, etc. Then we went through the forms Mr Siili and I filled out ahead of time about alcohol and drug use, food/eating habits and our personal health-history. After that she basically just gave me tons of information.

Clockwise from top left:
Expectant mother guide (exercise), Food for two: mom and baby, A baby for us, We're getting a baby and (spiral bound) is a book half for dad (isälle) and half for mom (äidille).

These books and pamphlets have tons of information. I've started reading the spiral bound one as it has what to expect week by week. There is also information about exercising and what might help relieve some pains and aches. I was told the pamphlet about food is a good one to make sure I keep around for when the baby is born and I'm breastfeeding and/or feeding the baby. So much to read and in Finnish. (Mr Siili will be happy about me reading in Finnish.)

We also made an appointment for my first doctor's visit at 12 weeks!
OMG! It seems so crazy to think that far ahead...ok, it's only 3 weeks away, but at the moment that seems like a huge milestone and one that won't be here soon enough. Don't get me wrong though, I am enjoying this time and not trying to rush it, but 12 weeks just seems like such a magic number (and also when I'm going to tell work).
I'll have blood drawn a week before the doctor's appointment, which will check for down syndrom and possibly other stuff. A week after the doctor's visit, where we'll hopefully hear the heartbeat for the first time, I'll have my next neuvola appointment.

Every neuvola visit will check my hemglobin (140-something), urine (no white blood cells or sugar), weight (66 kg) and blood pressure (no idea the numbers, but it was good). So, I'm not to go pee before any of these visits, because I need to leave a urine sample. I didn't know that this time, but thankfully we talked for so long that I managed to leave a sample anyway before leaving. Haha!
The only thing that has left me with a bit of "nervousness" after the meeting that wasn't there before was her talking about possible bleeding. I know it can happen, heck, I did have any itty bit in the beginning, but her talking about it and explaining the different types, just gave me a bit of panic. I don't want to bleed, at least not the scary amount where it looks and feels like AF or even worse. That's too scary to think about, so I'm going to try to go back to my happily aware-unaware ways and try not to think about it too much. Other than that, the appointment was nice, I like the lady and can't wait to learn more about my Paxlet!

A walk, pulla and more!

2012-01-15T22:54:00.000+02:00

Today has been a good day! In fact the entire weekend has been nice. I love feeling happy, well and well, just overall good.

Yesterday Mr Siili and I walked to the local shopping center. Mr Siili needed his hair cut (I love how he looks with freshly cut hair), I needed some yeast infection medicine (out with progesterone and in with yeast), we told our sister in law (Mr Siili's brother's wife) that I'm pregnant and we bought a bit of food. I ended up taking a 2,5 hour nap in the afternoon. It was a good, lazy day.

Today, I went for a 1 hour and 45 minute walk with a good friend. It was at least -10C outside, sunny and only the tiniest bit of a breeze. Our destination was a little cafe in the woods where forest walkers and skiers alike stop by there for a warming cup of coffee/juice/hot chocolate. It felt so good to be outside and get some fresh air. Although, I'm wondering now if I might have strained my stomach muscles (round ligament pain early?) a bit. My tummy, just below my belly button and spreading out to the sides, is a bit sore when I gently rub it.

After the walk I was so starved that I was feeling a bit sick. I am so thankful we had left overs in the fridge so all I had to do was heat them up. After eating, I still felt a bit off for a while afterward, but that has passed.

During the walk, I told my friend that I've just been too lazy to do much of anything, but that I've been wanting to make Pulla (Finnish sweat bread) for some time. I told her I was going to make it when I got home, because I didn't do it yesterday. She laughed at me and said I would probably just lay on the couch and fall asleep. Which, could have happened, but I don't really like our couch and I didn't let myself get too comfy when I got home. And I made pulla and korvapuusti (cinnamon buns)!!! This batch of pulla and korvapuusti has got to be the bestest I've ever made. They are so fluffy, moist and just all around freakin' delicious! Especially when they are right out of the oven. I've eaten way too many, but I couldn't help myself. I'll probably regret eating so many in a bit. hahahaha

Any who, here's the recipe for Finnish Pulla

Ingredients

2.11 cups milk (luke warm)
1 egg
1 cup sugar
1 Tablespoon cardamom (or less to taste)
1 teaspoon salt
2 (.38 ounce) package active dry yeast (11g)
5 1/2 - 6 1/3 cups all-purpose flour
2/2 - 7/8 cup butter, room temperature
1 egg, beaten (egg wash)
pearl sugar

Directions

Warm the milk in a small saucepan or microwave until 107F (42C). (generously hand warmth temperature) Mix the egg, sugar, cardamom and salt into the milk.
Mix some of the flour with the yeast and whisk it into the milk mixture.
Slowly mix in the rest of the flour and towards the end of the flour, add in the room temperature butter. Kneed the dough until it is even smooth and elastic; the dough should be smooth and glossy in appearance.
Cover the bowl with a lid or towel and and let the dough rise in a warm place until doubled in bulk, about 40 min - 1 hour.
Turn the dough out on to a floured surface and kneed out the air bubbles. Depending on what you want to make, determines how you proceed next.

If you just want pulla (sweet buns), take small/medium (3 inches) pieces of dough and roll them into a ball, then place on a baking paper covered baking sheet.
If you want korvapuusti (cinnamon buns), divide the dough in half and put one half back in the bowl for a bit. Roll the dough out to a rectangle about 1 foot by 2 feet. Spread some room temperature butter (about 1/2 cup total for all the dough) over the rolled out dough. Sprinkle some sugar and cinnamon on top. Roll the dough into a log with the seam on the bottom. Cut the dough at alternating angles so the thinnest part is about 2cm and the thickest part is about 5cm. The put the wide part on the pan and press two fingers in the center of the top part all the way to the pan (it springs back).

Let rise for 20 minutes. (or not) (The 2nd & 3rd pans will rise while the first is baking.)
Brush each bun/korvapuusti with egg wash and sprinkle with pearl sugar.
Bake at 437 degrees F (225 degrees C) for 10 to 15 minutes. Check occasionally because the bottom burns easily.

Just Heather's Notes: If possible, don't use all of the flour it calls for. I try to use the lower amount first and if needed, I add a bit more. The dough shouldn't stick to your hands when it is ready.
You can also make half and half of the pulla and korvapuusti, like I did tonight. You can also make braided loafs, but I'm usually to lazy for that.

I hope you enjoy some fresh pulla, I know I do!

What to say? What not to say?

2012-01-15T01:31:00.000+02:00

I've seen this blog post on many blogs and now I finally and fully understand it. It's the dilemma many newly pregnant bloggers have of how much and what (if anything) should I blog about my pregnancy? I've read the posts and the comments and I know the answers. But that still doesn't make it any easier in my mind.

I spent three and a half years trying to get pregnant. I spent even a few years before that wanting to start trying and waiting for just the right time. I was waiting for Mr Siili to be more ready (although I'm not sure if that ever really happened) and also for me to be stable in my job (that did happen and I told Mr Siili when that was in place, we were going to start TTC). During this time, I saw all my friends, many co-workers, and even a couple of cousins get pregnant and have their kids. Some of them even twice! I started blogging more seriously and found an amazing online community of (mostly) women who understood what I was going through. Some of them have been able to press forward and get out of these trenches and make it home from the struggle, some thought they had gotten out but were pulled back in unexpectedly. Then there are some, who are still struggling, waiting and hoping. I know what that is like! I've been there and I won't ever forget. And that is what makes this so difficult.

In my heart, I know I write this blog for myself. I want to and need to write what happens during my journey, all of it. But in my head, I know there are other people reading this. (I'm totally tickled I have followers!) Women who are still struggling with trying to get pregnant and I know that by writing about my pregnancy, I might be hurting them. I don't want to do that, but at the same time, as I said, I need to write what is in my heart and head.

This also leads me to commenting on other women's blogs. I want to comment and give support and encourage like I always have, but I worry about how they'll feel if a pregnant woman comments on their post commiserating and saying they understand what they are going through. (I rarely comment that I am pregnant, unless it is specifically called for.) Especially when I'm no longer in their situation. I know that doesn't stop me from remembering and having been there myself, but it still doesn't change the fact that I'm not there anymore. I'm in a different situation now.

I also wonder, if you and someone else are mutually following each others blogs, but the other person stops following your blog (right around the time you announce you are pregnant), should you stop following their blog too? Or at the least, should I not comment on her blog, as my situation apparently hurts her. :(

I have no idea how much this all makes sense. I've tried to put it out here in a logical order, but it just feels as if I am rambling on (like I usually do, Hah!) in no apparent order.

Thursday thoughts

2012-01-12T18:11:00.000+02:00

It's snowing! Again! I'm totally loving it (still). The two pictures I took with my camera phone don't do the actual view justice. The picture on the right looks bleak and dreary, plus you can't see the snow falling. The picture on the right looks a bit more cheery and you can just barely see the snow falling.

Today is Thursday the 12th (not that it means anything) and tomorrow is Friday the 13th!! I love Friday the 13th's. They always seem to be awesome days for me. It is Saturday the 14th that just sucks. LOL

Tomorrow also looks to be an insanely busy day at work. Four out of 9 people in our team will be off for one reason or another. Some of the girls are freaking and already stressing. I'm not. I'll do what I can do and that's that. Plus, it'll only be one day that is this crazy.

I took my very last progesterone suppository this morning. WooHOOO!!!!!

We didn't actually sign the loan papers yesterday, but rather just got them in order for the loan-lady to take them one more time to her boss and get everything finalized and approved one last time. We'll do the actual signing in a week and a half.

I really need to go shopping today to look for socks for the sock exchange I am doing at Searching for our silver lining.

I must have gotten an ok amount sleep last night because it is 6pm and I'm still feeling like I can function. It is also time to leave work and tentatively head to the store to look for socks and go food shopping.

I hope your Thursday is a thoughtful one.

8 weeks

2012-01-11T23:20:00.001+02:00

I've seen these things on other blogs and I want to be a copy cat.*big grin*

Total Weight Loss/Gain: none, I seem to be hovering around 65-66kg (143-145lb), which is less than what I was during the whole of last year before getting pregnant and during the IVF cycle preceding this pregnancy. I think it was the aversion to sweets most of December.

Maternity Clothes: No need yet, but I noticed that my outdoor winter pants are much more comfortable if I don't snap/velcro the top piece.

Stretch marks: Only the ones I've had since puberty on breasts and thighs.

Sleep: I could definitely use more sleep than I've been getting the last few nights. I'm almost always tired!

Movement: Not detectable yet.

Cravings/Aversions: Not really. At times, some foods just don't sound good, but give me an hour and they might be yummy sounding again. I'm like that anyway. Although, this evening I ate 1 normal size Reese's PB cup and a mini Fast Break and now I keep re-tasting it. Blech.

Gender: Yes, it will be a boy or girl. But in the meantime, we're calling it Paxlet. One evening a week or so ago, I told Mr Siili we had to have a name to call this 'thing'. He spouted off something about it coming out wielding a little pink axe and therefore we should call it Paxlet. He doesn't remember this story now, but I do because I thought he was just wacky, like usual.

Symptoms: Some off and on slight nausea, tiredness and sore boobs. Although, my boobs are not nearly as sore as they were the first few weeks and even compared to last week. I think I might be able to sleep without a soft bra again.

What I miss: Nothing.

What I look forward to: Everything! I can't wait to actually have a baby bump, needing to wear maternity clothes, even worse nausea if it comes and whatever else belongs with pregnancy. And next week's neuvola (prenatal clinic) appointment.

Moods: I think I'm being quite normal for the most part, maybe a bit teary-eyed more often.

Milestones: Seeing Paxlet at 7wks, 5days and measuring 13mm. Paxlet is the size of a raspberry!! (I've wanted one of those fruit-marker (at the bottom of my page) tickers for years!) Tomorrow morning is the last progesterone suppository!

Medical concerns: None at the moment.

Sex?: Not in the last couple of weeks. The progesterone suppositories made the after effects of sex a bit raw and painful. But I know Mr Siili is looking forward to no more progesterone. I sure hope I'm more in the mood too.

Misc: This pregnancy is definitely becoming more real to me. Once I finally realized the pregnancy symptoms I AM having are actually symptoms, it just sort of clicked and became more real. It is still strange and I get a bit anxious when telling people that I'm pregnant (especially family the last couple of days, even though I knew we'd get nothing but positive responses). It's quite strange.

It was music to my ears hearing Mr Siili tell the loan-lady today that I am pregnant! I think it's the first he's said it that way. *melty puddle* I know, it's semi-contradictory to what I just posted before, but it was so cute and heart warming.

I keep thinking about the IVF treatments we went through and how this was pretty much going to be our last chance, unless I could talk Mr Siili into going to a private (more expensive) clinic at some point. I'm so insanely thankful this happened. I know we're no where near being out of the woods yet, but I'm very hopeful.
I also keep thinking about everyone who is still in the trenches and struggling to get their BFP. (But I think I'll save this for a post of its own.)

Signing our live's away today

2012-01-11T13:00:00.000+02:00

Later today Mr Siili and I head to the bank to sign for our loan for our new place. I'm terrified, excited and sort of sick to my stomach (that's most likely just 'morning sickness').

I finally did it! I told family!

2012-01-10T23:20:00.000+02:00

I told our families that I am pregnant. *phew* I am glad that is done and over with. While it was exciting, it was also nerve wracking. Now, let's see how fast the word spreads. Hahahaha

I told my dad and (younger, older) brother last night. I know my dad's just thrilled! He asked me about it at xmas and I told him "we're working on it". I told him that I've thought about the 'what if' I get cravings for things that are only in the USA, he said just let him know and they'll ship it over. Heh. He also said this sounded like a good time for them to have to come visit. That would be just awesome. We'll even have an extra room for people to stay in then. My brother was sweet in his response and he's already scheming about how to come visit or at least gifts to buy. (I'm letting my dad tell my step-mom and (younger, younger) brother.)

And then I told Mr Siili's mom this evening. She started crying immediately. She's beyond happy for us. I've told her a little bit of what we've gone through. Plus, she was a mid-wife before she retired, so she'll have a lot of information to offer if I need it. She asked if she could tell my FIL, I said but of course! And MIL is already talking about hitting the stores and knitting some stuff. I have no idea who will tell Mr Siili's 2 sisters or brother & wife. Most likely we'll at least tell the wife, because we see here semi-often at her work.

And then I called my sister (because I couldn't get a hold of her last night) and told her. She was shocked and then immediately excited! She's going to be a real auntie! Not just an auntie to her friends' kids, but a real auntie. *heart melts* While I was talking to my sister, my step-grandma stopped by and so I told her too. She gave a dignified squeal (if that's what a grandma does) and exclaimed she's going to be a grandma! I heard my sister in the background 'correct' her that she will be a great grandma and then I heard it repeated closer. Then my step-grandma said she's never been a great grandma before. Hehe. I think I made her last few years.

The only person I can't tell is my mom. Although, as my sister said, she's here watching us, so she knows. I haven't been thinking too much about my mom lately. At least not more than surface and fleeting thoughts, because I know that once I really do start thinking about her and the fact that I am pregnant now and she's not here to tell, I'm going to start crying and be totally sad. I think just writing this has started it. Gosh, I miss my mom so badly!

We'll slowly start telling other people now, but I figure we'll wait until closer to or after 12 weeks to tell everyone.

7 weeks, 5 days and ALL is well

2012-01-09T22:02:00.001+02:00

Where to start?! When I haven't been insanely busy at work, I've been trying to figure out what to write about our appointment today. The short of it, is it was good, very good. And the long of it... well, here it is:

As I predicted yesterday, I didn't sleep too well. I was just wound up in the evening and it took me forever to fall asleep, even though I was reading (Life from Scratch by Melissa Ford), which normally helps me fall asleep. Once I was asleep, I just kept waking up every hour or two. I dislike those sort of nights very much.

Mr Siili and I made it to the clinic at 10 o'clock on the dot! (And he was worried we'd be late.) Thanks to a parking spot right in front of the building, which I was hoping would be waiting for me. We made it up the elevator, signed in and sat down for 10 seconds or less when my name was called!

In the room, the doctor confirmed when my harvest and transfer took place (Nov 30th & Dec 2nd, respectively), if I got a positive on the designated day (yes, 3 of them) and if I had any bleeding (yes, a little bit one evening about a week after getting a BFP). She then told me to undress and hop up on the table.

Once up on the table, out came the wand! Oh, My, Gosh, I was nervous and excited! I've looked at enough pictures to pretty much know what I was looking for. The doctor found the placenta and little 'thing' inside of it almost immediately! When she found it, she motioned for Mr Siili to come over and join her. I know I looked at Mr Siili and grinned and he grinned back, but I was very focused on the screen to pay too much attention to him completely. She checked around to see if the little 'thing' company, but there is only the one. She said the placenta looks healthy, the yolk sac was diminishing, and the heart beat looked healthy. I saw the heart beating (but didn't hear it)!!
The little 'thing' measured at 13mm and 7 weeks, 5 days. Exactly where it should be! We even got our first picture. Aawww.

edited: Before the doctor could say too much, I asked about stopping progesterone! LOL. Yes, it is that important. The doctor sort of laughed at my eagerness. I only do two suppositories today and tomorrow and then one on Wednesday and Thursday. My last progesterone is THURSDAY!!! Mr Siili is going to be happy again! *wicked grin*

I hopped off the table, got dressed and asked a few questions (Mr Siili should be cleaning the litter box...but I'll most likely continue to do it with rubber gloves on and maybe even my face mask). I was then given my Äitiyskortti* (maternity card) which means I've graduated to going to Neuvola* (prenatal clinic), where the normal-pregnant women go! I am done with the IF clinic, unless we decide to use our last frozen embryo. I will give my local prenatal clinic a call in the morning (Tuesday) to make an appointment with them to get the low down on what to expect when expecting in Finland.

This whole doctor's appointment took only about 20 minutes. It took much longer to type this up than the whole thing took in real time. LOL

Afterward, Mr Siili and I went to an early lunch to celebrate. I had a BBQ burger and fries and he had meatballs with mashed potatoes. Then it was back to work for a very loooong and tiring day.

Needless to say, I am quite happy and feeling more like this is actually happening now. I'm off to call my dad, sister and brother and tell them the good news!

*These are very Finnish things that I'll explain more in detail in later posts.

pregnancy symptoms, reconsidered

2012-01-08T21:20:00.000+02:00

So, after my post on Friday about not feeling like I have much in the way of pregnancy symptoms, I've reconsidered (some, ok more than some). I received several comments form you wonderful ladies and I talked to a friend on Friday during a beautiful walk outside. I've also mentally gone over how I normally feel (not pregnant) vs how I've been feeling since I found out I am pregnant.

In short, the...

"very sore and somewhat enlarged breasts, tiredness (it is dark and wintery), some twingy-twitchiness in my stomach sometimes, not being able to cross my arms across my stomach as it makes me feel yucky, some short-in-duration not-really-nausea feelings but they are sometimes helped if I eat, while other times I can't stand the thought of food and no period!"

...symptoms that I have been having are MY pregnancy symptoms. I may not feel nauseous all the time, nor am I puking (for which I am so very thankful) and I can still eat most anything, without any strange cravings yet, etc. The sensitive nose is something I have always had (which hasn't gone away). What I am feeling are pregnancy symptoms, they are just my 'version' of them.

Normally, I definitely don't get this much/little nausea, nor do I normally feel a bit sick after eating something sweet (which, by the way didn't stop me from just making and eating a 5 minute mug cake w/PB and ice cream, yum and blech, lol!!). I also am not normally this tired. I don't think my moodiness has changed much, which, in my opinion is good. (No idea what Mr Siili thinks.)

So, I am going to try and relax, just a bit more, and maybe even look forward to the doctor's appointment tomorrow. Yes, it is finally tomorrow!!! I just hope I can actually sleep a restful sleep tonight. (I've been having nightmares and weird dreams the last few nights.) Also! Mr Siili thinks he might be able to go with me.

Holding hands

2012-01-07T16:23:00.000+02:00

Mr Siili and I walked to the store today, in the snow. There was snow on the ground and still more coming down. It was beautiful! Then on the way home, Mr Siili and I held hands. And Mr Siili was his usual silly self. * big grin*

7 weeks 0 days, I think

2012-01-06T09:40:00.050+02:00

From my calculations, I'm 7 weeks pregnant as of today. I sure as heck don't feel pregnant! I know my pee tests came up positive 3 weeks ago, but I'm still having a hard time believing it's true. I think it will take until Monday when I go in for my first appointment for me to really start believing. But until that time, I'm starting to dread that appointment (and maybe even be a little bit excited) more and more. I'm just sure that when I go in for my appointment they are going to tell me my body is just playing tricks on me and there is actually nothing there.

Part of the reason that I'm having a hard time realizing I'm pregnant is that I don't think I have that much of pregnancy symptoms. They only symptoms I think I have are very sore and somewhat enlarged breasts, tiredness (it is dark and wintery), some twingy-twitchiness in my stomach sometimes, not being able to cross my arms across my stomach as it makes me feel yucky, some short-in-duration not-really-nausea feelings but they are sometimes helped if I eat, while other times I can't stand the thought of food and no period! So, when should I start feeling pregnant? and when "should" a woman start getting morning sickness? Yes, I know it doesn't have to be in the morning, which my not-really-nausea bouts come at all times of the day... But if these things that I'm feeling are going to be my version of morning sickness, I think I'm the luckiest pregnant girl alive!

Just a few more days until Monday and then we'll find out what's really going on inside of me. For the first time ever in my life, I sure hope this weekend goes by quickly.

Nuttin' much to say

2012-01-05T20:45:00.000+02:00

Today is my Friday. Tomorrow is Loppiainen (Epiphany) and being that this is a mostly Lutheran country, we get the day off! Or at least when I had to work it last year, I got holiday pay. Hah! I'm truly thankful this was only a 4 day work week for us. I've just been so tired. I've even managed to get to bed earlier than normal (in bed around 9:30 or 10 and asleep by 11-ish), which shows just how tired I am. It sure has helped with surviving the day at work. And tonight, I'll go to bed whenever, because I can sleep in!!!

Mr Siili survived his first week of work. I don't think he's too impressed yet, but I hope once he gets his computer and what-not set up and actually starts doing real work that things will be better. The apartment hasn't been getting too much dirtier now that he is at work all day, but it isn't getting any cleaner either because I'm too tired to do anything when we are home. There's always the weekend.

Mr Siili met me at the food store, we bought food and then walked home. He started some dishes, I started dinner and we both finished making dinner together. The spaghetti and sauce with broccoli on the side was yummy!! I know we're both feeling much better now. I'm thinking I should get myself some ice cream too. Maybe with some peanut butter mixed in or some frozen strawberries.. Decisions, decisions.

I've been enjoying the comments that have been left for my last post about progesterone. The comments have been insightful and fun. Who would have thunk (yes, I porpoisely wrote that) that there are so many different instructions on how progesterone is taken? I guess I should have known already, as every other aspect of TTC, IF and ART are different depending on your country, clinic and even on down to the doctor.

I think I'll sign off here and go read some Creme de la Creme 2011 posts for a while. I'm #18 on the list. If you haven't submitted yours yet, you have until tomorrow (Jan 6th). So get cracking!

Progesterone post

2012-01-02T21:47:00.000+02:00

Yup, today is going to be about progesterone. All the nitty-gritty, leaky and ~~fun~~ funky tidbits that are on my mind and what I have to offer. Hah!

But first, I want to quickly interrupt this post to say Mr Siili survived his first day of work! Poor guy, he went to bed so late last night that he's just exhausted today. After I got home and we ate dinner, we tried watching the 2nd half of a TV show that I was falling asleep during on NYE, but he fell asleep this time. *grin* He's taking a bit of a nap now, but I hope he doesn't sleep too much so he can actually get to bed at a decent hour. Mr Siili just isn't a morning person.

Now back to my 'scheduled' post about progesterone.
Ever since the first time I had to use progesterone during a cycle, I've hated. Especially the first few rounds when I was using some synthetic stuff that if you're allergic to nuts, you shouldn't use. Well, I'm not really allergic allergic to nuts, but a few of them make my throat slightly itch, sometimes. That was enough to make my lady bits react to the synthetic stuff. I'd get quite sore, swollen and feel dried out, especially after stopping the stuff. That's on top of all the leaking! I finally mentioned it to the doctor and she switched me to the more natural stuff. (This new stuff also cost me much less too! Grr.)

The natural progesterone I've been using these last couple of cycles has been better, in the sense of no bad reaction, but it's still just as annoying to leak all the time. BUT, now when a cycle has actually worked and I know the progesterone is doing a job, I find myself not minding the progesterone as much. Sure, I still grumble a bit about the leaking, especially when it leaks onto my undies. Urgh. But, it's something that I can tolerate (most of the time), even if I do majorly look forward to the day I can stop the suppositories!

I finally found panty liners/pads that I can live with during the day. They are still not something that I'd choose to use voluntarily, but they do their job, stay in place and aren't too bulky. The night ones are still bulky and annoying. Plus, I think it'd just work better if I wore an adult diaper instead. LOL
. o O (Hey honey, check me out! *Wiggles a bulky behind in Mr Siili's general direction* ROFL)

I mentioned the other day that I've finally figured out how to prevent most of the soreness to my lady bits. I believe what was making me raw and scrached-feeling-like inside my lady bits was a dry finger dragging along my vaginal wall. Ouch! So, these days I quickly run my finger under (warm) water just before inserting the progesterone. No more pain for me! Oh, and for the times when I still get a bit sore or irritated, a quick rinse of my lady bits works many times and when that doesn't work a bit of hydrocortisone rubbed on the lady bits works wonders too!

Another not so fun thing about the progesterone is that it has to be kept refrigerated. How does one do that while at work? I definitely don't have my own personal fridge next to my desk... So, I just keep a cute little Tupperware container (no name on it) with my suppositories in it. Hopefully people are leaving them be. At least I'm not noticing the numbers dwindling faster than I'm using them.

What brought this post about today was the fact that I forgot my pads at home. So, I asked a friend/co-worker if she had any to spare. Thankfully she did! But, she also said she was sorry for the reason I needed them. I told her it wasn't for AF, but for progesterone and that was all that was said on that topic.

So, I'm hoping and keeping my fingers (and legs) crossed that I only have one more week of progesterone to deal with. I have my first doctor's appointment next week's Monday! Time sure is going by so slowly and yet quickly.

It's a normal Sunday...

2012-01-01T18:56:00.001+02:00

So Mr Siili and I stayed awake, a bit too late, watching some TV shows to bring in the new year. We ended up stopping the last show halfway through because I was just dozing off uncontrollably. LOL

Today, has been a normal Sunday. I woke up around 9am, laid in bed for an hour or so reading. Mr Siili finally woke up, we got dressed and went for a nice walk. It was only -4,5C and not windy with a light snow fall covering the ground. Just a beautiful scene outside. After our walk, we've just been sitting at our respective computers, doing whatever we feel like. Mr Siili = playing Eve Online, Me = anxiously awaiting the Stirrup Queens posting of the Creme de la Creme of 2011 and playing around with blogs in general. I also took some time off the computer to finish reading One Child by Torey Hayden.

Now, at some point we should fry up the chicken to make some more tacos for dinner and then just pass the rest of the evening as we've passed the day; lazily.

Truth be told, I'm actually a bit bored.

Changing of the guards

2011-12-31T23:48:00.000+02:00

I've been thinking the last few days of what I wanted to write as my last post for 2011 and I'm not really any closer right now than I as before. But, that isn't going to stop me. Hah! (Mr Siili wouldn't be one bit surprised, as my not having anything "useful" to say hasn't stopped me from talking/writing before. *big grin*) I think I'll just jot down some random thoughts that are running through my head in hopes of clearing it out.

Another thing I've been thinking about is the old year vs the new year and what it all means. I'm not really sure I believe in this 'getting rid of the old one to greet the new'. Sure some pretty crappy things happened in 2011, but some great things happened too! If none of these things had happened, I wouldn't be who or where I am now. I'm reminded of the rhyme we used to sing at Girl Scouts or other places were we would meet new people for the first time.

Make new friends,
but keep the old.
One is silver,
the other is gold.

New Years will keep coming, but the past years matter too. Not much will change between today and tomorrow, except the year. (And Mr Siili's unemployment ending. Yay!). I still head back to work on Monday, my mom still won't be with us in the flesh and I'll still be stuffing progesterone suppositories 3 times a day where the sun don't shine (until further notice). I guess what I'm trying to say is that life continues on.

Speaking of suppositories, I think I've become quite proficient at putting suppositories where they belong. I think the reason I was getting so sore and my lady bits area irritated was from dryness. I started running my insertion finger under water quickly to get it wet just before inserting the suppository. No more dryness and definitely less irritation and less desire to take a 1/3 of a day break from using them.

The fireworks have started! It is legal to set off fireworks from 6pm December 31st to 2am January 1st. Of course not everyone follows the rules and we've been hearing the random one now and then since Tuesday (when stores opened up for the first time after xmas). I used to love fireworks, until I had one explode at the back of my knees several years ago, now I dread them. I even cringe a bit at the very loud ones while inside.

My ears are bothering me. Quite often when the weather pressure changes, my ears act like a barometer and bother me (so the ear doctor told me when I was tested years ago). It sounds as if I have a paper bag over my head or maybe some wax paper over my ears so that as I breath or talk, the "paper" vibrates (kind of like a kazoo) and I can't hear as well. It's most often my left ear, but at this moment, my right ear is doing it too. It doesn't hurt physically, but it sure is annoying.

Mr Siili and I went food shopping this afternoon. Sheesh, there are a lot of people at the stores buying last minute party supplies and alcohol. After we were done shopping, I dropped Mr Siili off at home so I could go tank up the car (taxes will go up on gas next year). When I got home, he had started getting me some bread ready to eat and tea water boiled. How sweet!! Especially since I was STARVED!

Even after I ate my bread topped with cream cheese, pickle slices and cheese and drank my hot chocolate (tea came later), I was still freezing from being outside! So, I took a nice long hot shower. Aaaaaaah.

Which reminds me, I think pickles are something I'm craving at the moment, if it's possible to get pregnancy cravings already. Or maybe I'm just craving them as a normal person. For the last few weeks, I keep thinking of dill pickles and wanting to eat them. I mean, I normally like (specific) pickles and their juice, but I've been really wanting to eat them lately. Yes, I know many people are totally grossed out by pickle juice, Mr Siili included, but I just found out that my dad and I have only been ahead of our time.

Today is the day I'm going to start taking weekly pictures of my eventually growing belly. I've thought of this for years and now I finally get to do it! I still haven't figured out which top and shorts/pants I'll wear, but I'd like to try and wear the same thing throughout. Yes, I've thought about it that much.

I'm thinking I'll tell my side of the family either tonight or tomorrow that we're pregnant. I should have done it at xmas when everyone was there, but...I just didn't. Now I've got to see if I can get my brother and sister over to my dad's.

I tried to get my girlfriends together for a January get-together, so I could share our good news, but it doesn't seem like it'll work. I just don't wanna tell them via email, a text or over the phone. And I sure as hell don't want them finding out via Facebook. Although, a FB announcement is no where near yet. But I have been thinking that when I do a FB announcement, I'll mention that it's taken us 3,5 years and several IF treatments. Not that anyone really needs to know, but at the same time, I'm not hiding it and maybe it might help someone. Who knows. So, I don't know when I'll tell my close friends. And that kind of makes me sad. If they ask directly, I will tell them, as I did with one of them already. She asked the day I tested. (One other friend I told, because I need at least one close friend to talk with!)

I was cutting up an apple today to eat and a seed fell out. It reminded me of the ticker at the bottom of my blog and that it said our little one is the size of an apple seed. (Looking just now, it has grown to a sweet pea!) I can't wait to really start feeling pregnant. I also hope that Mr Siili and I can actually celebrate it at some point, soonish. I know he has been asking some questions (like how am I doing?), commenting and poking fun/joking like he does (when I showed him the apple seed, he said "and it takes up this much space" showing his hands at about the size of a grapefruit, to which I replied, "no, that's just fat").

Thanks for reading my ramblings. (Did anyone actually read this all?!)

Wishing you all a wonderful and happy 2012!

Taking stock of 2011

2011-12-29T01:00:00.002+02:00

As many blogs I read have pointed out, the end of 2011 is near and it is coming fast! I've also read several blogs that have taken stock over all that has happened this past year. I've never really done that, especially not on my blog. After thinking it over a bit, I've decided that I'd like to do that. So, here's what went down in 2011 in the life of me, JustHeather.

2011
January
I started the year off on a downer. IVF #1 had failed early December and I was waiting until I could notify my clinic that I wanted to start round 2. I thought about acupuncture, going gluten free and trying out the Mayan Womb Massage. At the end of the month, IVF #2 got under way. Also, Mr Siili's job contract ended at the end of the year.

February
Mr Siili had his appendix removed and less than a week later defended his PhD thesis. We've got a doctor in the house! In other 'house-type' news, we signed a reservation contract for a house we were thinking of buying. After almost a year's worth of union negotiations at work, it was confirmed that my job was mine to keep, if I wanted it. I wanted it!

March
I was quite moody from IVF hormones. IVF #2 failed. But we did have 3 frozen (2 +1) embryos. I enjoyed my 1 week of winter holiday.

April
The stress before two weeks of strike from work caused my body to delay ovulation by 1 week.

May
I discovered Mel at Stirrup Queens! (My life hasn't been the same since, in a very positive way.) FET #1 starts. I survived mother's day and even had my ex's mom send me a very sweet FB message to tell me she's thinking of me. We signed the papers for our new place! It should be built in about a year's time. I changed my blog's name from Elämä Suomessa / Life in Finland to BattleFish. (I still like BattleFish!) I participate in ICLW for the first time. FET #1 fails. Got a 2nd monitor at work (I love having 2!!) and bonded with my big boss over IF, wanting to be a mom and her hysterectomy.

June
Attempted FET #2, naturally. My body didn't ovulate when it should have, so the FET was a no-go and thus started my 4 month summer holiday break from assisted TTC. Posted my 100th post. My cat, Sabby, that I got when I was 16 or so died. A week later my mom died of a heart attack and Mr Siili and I went to the US for her memorial. (I miss you, mom!)

I just couldn't resist sharing this cute Mansi & Rusty picture.

July
I was reeling with emotions over my mom's death, my mom never being able to be a grandma to my future kids and my inability to get pregnant. We observed the 1 year anniversary of the death of our cat, Kantti. Mr Siili and I celebrated 13 years of being together and 12 years of me living in Finland. I went to my first acupuncture treatment (ever). I turned 35 and had my first 'age' crisis.

August
Mr Siili and I celebrated our 5th anniversary of marriage! I enjoyed 3 weeks of summer holiday, in a row! We hit the 3 year mark in TTC. I left for Shanghai at the end of the month for a 2 week work trip.

September
I got sick in Shanghai and experienced a regular doctor and acupuncture treatment at a well known TCM hospital. I returned home from Shanghai (and I still haven't dealt with the pictures, bad me!). Cycle #40 started, which meant our 4 month "summer break" was finally over and FET #2 could start (natural cycle).

October
FET #2 took place and failed. Had some major break downs over my mom. Really talked with my girlfriends, it helped immensely.

November
IVF #3 started. On 11.11.11 I had my girlfriends over, it was cheap therapy and great chatting! Went to Breaking Dawn Part 1 with work friends. My body responded a bit too well to the hormones and retrieval (Nov 30th) and transfer (Dec 2nd) was bumped up twice. I had my first ever therapy appointment (not impressed). I got my RHCP ticket!

December
Progesterone suppositories, 'nuff said. Transfer was on the 2nd. Only one little embryo was frozen. I had my second therapy appointment (still not impressed). I really started trying to come to terms with the idea that I might not ever have kids of my own. Mr Siili had a job interview and they offered him the job! (He starts Jan 1st.) On December 16th, after almost 3,5 years of TTC, I got my BFP! We celebrated xmas at the in-laws, with no one the wiser about the bump I'm growing.

What a year! I have no idea what could be in store for us during these last few days of 2011, but I'm counting on them passing by relatively peacefully.

I'm eagerly looking forward to 2012, the Chinese year of the Dragon! It's my year! I also can't wait for my first ultrasound on January 9th. Stay tuned!

Xmas 2011

2011-12-26T23:19:00.002+02:00

Another xmas is done and over with. *phew* I'm not a religious person, so xmas doesn't mean anything to me in that sense, but I like the family part of it and the food. Especially since we don't have Thanksgiving here in Finland, I use our Finnish xmas as a way to eat way too much. LOL. This year though, I didn't eat nearly as much as I have in past years. Being pregnant has affected in regards to food. I can generally eat, but some things at some times just doesn't sound good. And I definitely can't eat as much or I just feel sick. I also have a difficult time with sweet things most often, which is quite sad, because I love sweet things!

I enjoyed the few days away from work, the laziness and relaxing at my in-laws, but as always, it is nice to be home once again. And it's back to work in the morning.

Here is how we spent some of our xmas at the in-laws.

Mansi chilling under the rocking chair where she can see all, yet still be ready to run after a toy or just run in general.

Rusty "shrimping" on the couch after the 'traumatic' trip to his grandparents.

Xmas tree, decorated by FIL & MIL. Santa had (mostly) arrived!


The sweets table.

Mansi being a typical kitty and attacking MIL's yarn. It was very cute!

Old man Rusty chilling on the couch with Mr Siili.

The stupid angel bell-candle thing that bing-bing-binged all through dinner.

The traditional apple-candle stand that is on our xmas dinner table. (The horses will be the apples in the end.)

Typical Mansi pose. She's always sitting next to toys and waiting to be played with. (Yes, I did play with her after I took the picture.)

Pieces of one of the puzzles we put together. We also played some games.

Finished puzzle. (I've outlined one of the funny shaped pieces.)

Beautiful sunny day today!! You wouldn't believe how windy it was outside. The power went out 3 times last night (maybe more while we slept) and was still out for many people today. There were trees blown down our entire trip home and even some power lines were down.

untrained cats and dogs at xmas

2011-12-24T15:38:00.001+02:00

So, Mr Siili and I made it to his parents' house yesterday. The drive was uneventful and the cats were actually quite quiet most of the drive. It took Mansi and Rusty some time to calm down and settle in at this "new" place, but after an hour or two, all was well.

In the evening, I made choclate chip cookies, took a nap and then I just couldn't be bothered to do anything else for the day. We had take-away pizza for dinner and watched some TV.

Today, we had rice porridge for breakfast. It's a traditional food that can be eaten any time of the year, but usually during xmas. In Mr Siili's family, it is xmas eve's breakfast. Also, one blanched almond is put in the batch of porridge and the lucky person who finds it is supposed to have good luck the upcoming year. I didn't find the almond this year, but that's ok. :)

One of Mr Siili's sisters came over for some porridge and she brought her dog. Thankfully I heard her coming and was able to get Rusty holed up in a room (it was actually easy, because he was already sleeping in a chair there), but we didn't know where Mansi was. I asked the sister to wait a sec, but that lasted maybe 30 seconds and in came the dog. Two seconds later there went Mansi running past me and the dog close behind.

The sister said it was ok if the cats' claws were clipped. Uhm, sure, it might be ok for your dog if the cats' claws are clipped, but we'd still like to have cats after you leave. Alive and in one piece (well, 2 pieces, as we have two cats). So, we got both cats, their litter box, food and water in the same room and shut the door. Rusty didn't mind too much, as it was his nap time. Mansi, the ever curious and friendly one, just wanted to see what was going on. I moved a chair near the window so she could watch what was going on, but when the dog barked at her, she got a bit scared.

The sister and dog have left for a while, but they will be back for sauna and dinner. Same as last year, Mr Siili and I are left to figure out what to do with our cats. The dog is not trained at all and the sister gets upset when no one controls her dog or if her dog doesn't listen to her. *sigh* And the cats, well, they are cats and they are not trained. We'll either put them in a room again for the evening. :( Or, we'll put them upstairs and find a way to block the entrance and I'll be sitting at the bottom of the stairs to keep the dog from going up there. Mansi will get curious and come down the stairs to check out the main floor and it will rile the dog up. Mr Siili isn't too happy about either option, but less so of the later one. But I've got to do what I need to protect my cats. If I try to say something to the sister, it will most likely create an unhappy political situation and we don't want that now, do we? I totally forgot about this whole issue since last year, but I've got to remember it for next year. Who knows what next year will be like...

Anyway, I managed to finish baking the chocolate crinkles, coconut macaroons and assemble the pesto torta this afternoon (pictures later). My MIL and FIL have assembled the tree. The ham has been cooked (over night) and most other foods are ready, they just need to be re-heated and put in serving dishes. Pretty soon we'll go to sauna and then have our xmas dinner. After dinner, Santa will arrive with the gifts. Then we can all relax, play games, watch a bit of TV and sleep until we feel like getting up on xmas day.

Xmas eve's eve

2011-12-23T00:10:00.000+02:00

It's late and I'm exhausted, so a short post from me.

Tomorrow, Mr Siili, the cats and I will be heading to the in-laws for the next 4 days. I like my in-laws a lot, so it is generally nice to go and visit. I really want to tell them and my family that we're finally pregnant, but being that it is too early, we most likely won't, unless something happens that makes it necessary.

I still haven't gotten my act together and actually made the cookies I've been meaning to make for the last week. I did measure out the ingredients and put it in containers so i could quickly make them up once we reach the in-laws. But I have a feeling the 1,5 hour drive is going to drain me something fierce. (When I don't drive much, the longer than around town distances exhaust me.) Oh well...I can only do what I can do.

Most everything is packed, cats excluded. They'll be packed just before we get in the car tomorrow morning. They are so not going to be happy about this. Hah, same thing every time. Rusty lets us know most of the trip the indignities he's being put through and how undignified it is to be stuffed in a carrier and forced to ride in a car. Although, he does enjoy the end result. Mansi will squeak out a protest a few times throughout the trip, but I think it is more of a faux show in solidarity towards her bigger brother.

I'm planning on taking lots of pictures to share what a typical-ish Finnish xmas is like. Let's see if I can get that done. (I still haven't done a single thing about my Shanghai pictures from Aug/Sept!)

December ICLW

2011-12-21T15:23:00.000+02:00

Welcome to December's International Comment Leaving Week.

I hope your holidays haven't been too stressful so far and that you've managed to find some relaxing moments. This year, I did most of my xmas shopping by early September when I was in Shanghai on a business trip. It's be been nice not having to go out in the holiday shopping crowds. Plus, I'm not usually big on shopping in general (esp. when it comes to bras).

For those of you reading for the first time, here's a bit about who we are:

I'm 35 year old bean counter (accounts receivable specialist) and Mr Siili (DH) is a 37 year young doctor. No, not that kind of doctor! He has his PhD in computer stuff (that's the technical name for it). And he's just received a job offer after almost one year of being unemployed. We've been together 13,5 years, married 5,5 of those. This month we finally got our BFP from IVF #3 after almost 3,5 years of trying. I'm really hoping this little thing sticks.

When I'm not obsessing about IF, IVF, becoming a mom and more recently, being pregnant, I like to bake, read, do crafts and arts, play around online, snuggle my two cats and bug Mr Siili, among other things.

And something new for those of you who do follow me:
Yesterday's post was quite useless in my opinion, but I left it published once I put it out there.

I have not dyed my hair since February. The dark brown color that I had been dying it with for a while has faded somewhat. You can clearly see my own color and even the grey/very light hairs (they shine quite well in sunlight) on the top 6 or so inches. I haven't had my hair trimmed since late spring, which makes the length of my hair past my shoulders and still growing. I'm not sure when I'll get it cute next, nor what I'll do with it, but for now, it is just growing.

While Xmas is a quiet event here in Finland, unlike with my family in the US where we have a huge party on Xmas eve, I still look forward to it (usually). Our Xmas eve dinner here in Finland makes up for the Turkey-day meal we don't have here. (The Mayflower, Pinta & Santa Maria (is there more?) just didn't land here.) The left overs that last for days...I'm in heaven!!

I have the 23rd off from work this year, so Mr Siili, the cats and I will head to his parents house, as usual. His mom makes most of the savory foods, with some help from me and I make most of the sweet things. This year will be no exception. I'm planning on making chocolate chip cookies, coconut macaroons and I think Chocolate Crinkles.

Happy Holidays, whatever it is you choose to celebrate (or not)!

A picture of our boys years ago (Rusty & ^^Kantti^^).
I should try to get a new one with Rusty & Mansi.

Random stuffs

2011-12-20T16:46:00.000+02:00

Tuesday already, or is it again? Below is some random stuffs going through my tired head today.

-Mr Siili has an interview this morning. We're riding the bus together downtown, that's rare. But he won't talk to me much because he's not a morning person, more than I am not a morning person (I fake it quite well).

-Last night when I got home, Mr Siili told me his pants and shirt for said interview needed to be ironed. I replied that he'd better help me get it done before midnight because I hate ironing, esp last minute, at midnight. Guess when we I ironed his clothes, after he told me they didn't really need to be done! What kind of wife would I be to not get his clothes ironed?! Ugh. (He read this over my shoulder as I typed it. "I'm such a martyr." Hahaha)

Later today:
-I'm totally freaking exhausted. I just about fell asleep while reading my book (Pride & Predjudice) on my phone at lunch. I also can't think straight.

-I'm also feeling a bit queasy off and on. Right now (15:45) is the worst it has been.

-I debated for some time whether or not I would join this month's ICLW. In the end, I decided to sign up.

-Xmas shopping, making and wraping has been done since the weekend. (Really, I only had 1/2 of a gift to buy and 1 minute of the other half of the gift to sew.) I really should try to get the baking prep done soon. I'm going to make chocolate chip cookie dough and freeze it so it is easy to bake once we are at the in-laws. The coconut macaroons can wait until Thursday night to mix up and then bake at the in-laws. This year's new cookie recipe will be Chocolate Crinkles. (I reserve the right to change my mood.) I've seen them at a few different places and they look yummy.

-I'm very thankful Mr Siili went food shopping (we're going to have turkey tacos) so I don't have to deal with it today.

-I think I'm going to leave work ~~early~~ and go take a nap at home.

January 9, 2012

2011-12-19T22:52:00.001+02:00

3 weeks from today I will have my first ultrasound as a pregnant chick.

That is just not something I thought I'd be writing any time soon! After a year and a half of trying on our own, a laparoscopic surgery for endometriosis, several failed IUI's, 2 failed IVFs, 2 failed FETs, I finally managed to get pregnant!! That's 41 failed cycles; 3 years and 4 months of trying before it worked! I was honestly working on coming to terms with the fact I might not ever be a mom. I still might not be a mom, but for now, there is the possibility. The fact that I am pregnant (for now) is slowly sinking in.

During the weekend, Mr Siili asked if we could still "practice". I told him "of course" (if the progesterone doesn't kill it for me too much). But I'm not minding the progesterone suppositories so much now. Funny how it is all relative.

This 3WW is longer than a 2WW, but thankfully there is Xmas and New Year thrown in there to keep me busy. As an online friend said, I waited 3+ years to get a BFP, I can definitely wait 3 more weeks. I agree.

And now, after a long day at work, 3/4 of a BodyBalance class and almost 1/2 of a BodyCombat class, I'm off to bed!

p.s. Mr Siili has another job interview Tuesday morning! Things are looking up!!!

Possibility

2011-12-17T23:40:00.000+02:00

Today has been a good day. I didn't quite think it would go that way because our cats kept waking us up throughout most of the night. They ran, they chased, they whined, they puked and they ran and whined some more. I was exhausted by the time my alarm went off this morning. But, I got up, took a shower and headed to my friend's house like planned. *warning - pregnancy talked about in the 3rd and 6th paragraphs down*

I had begged and bribed said friend to go to lunch with me as I had a coupon for lunch that expired next week. But she had already promised to make gingerbread cookies with her daughter, so I was invited to help and then we'd go to lunch after that.

My friend's daughter is so adorable! She's 2,5 years old and just as cute and sweet as can be. She also thinks I'm pretty cool. This little girl spent an hour to an hour and a half rolling out her ball of cookie dough, making cookies, scrunching the dough up and then repeating the process all over again. She also ate half her ball of cookie dough (~1/4 to 1/3 cup) during this time! lol. When I got bored of making cookies (yes, I got bored before the little girl) I just hung out and chatted with everyone. When the girl got done making cookies, she asked to help her put her new puzzle together (by way of her mom suggesting it). After the girl put 2-3 pieces together, she just told me to do it myself. lol.

It was around this time that the mom was taking pictures of the little girl. So I figured I'd show her some of my recent pictures. *grin* I handed her my phone and with some xmas decorations showing and told her to just scroll to the right to see more. After about 4 or 5 pictures came up the 3rd pregnancy test I took yesterday. M friend froze and then asked "What's this? What is it? Is it...?" and then she turned to me and whispered "Are you pregnant?". All I could do was smile (grin?) and nod. She started crying, which made me cry! lol. She was so ecstatic, which made me very happy. This friend has been there for me during all of this and more. She also told me early on in her pregnancy with her girl in hopes of making it a bit less harder for me to hear. (I'm forever thankful for that.) The rest of the afternoon she's just get this grin on her face and whisper "you're pregnant!". I'm truly glad so many others are this excited for me while I am trying to find my own excitement.

Then it was lunch time for the girl. She got a bit whiny (not that bad at all) because she hadn't taken a nap the day before (yes, the effect accumulates, I was informed). As the girl was waiting for her mom to bring her drink, she was just fussing and being tired. So, I sat with her and started feeding her. She can feed herself, but this seemed to make her happy and not whiny. Her mom just laughed when she walked back in the room. I ended up feeding the entire bowl of food to the girl. lol

After lunch, it was time for us all to get dressed and head downtown. The girl wanted me, not her mom, to help her put her clothes on. I told her she had to help me because I didn't know what to do. So, she laid on the floor with her feet up in the air for me to put her stockings on. After that, I tried putting her hat on backwards, her shoes on her feet and so on. She got pretty silly and wasn't so helpful, so I told her that I couldn't help her any more and it was time for me to put my own shoes on. I got one of my own boots on when she was serious enough to help me help her to get dressed. But not before she fully trusted me to catch her as she fell back on me, repeatedly. lol. This girl is so sweet! Did I mention how much she likes me? *beams proudly*

Two days ago, this wonderful and fun afternoon with my friend and her daughter would have left my heart aching for the possibility of what could be if only I had a child of my own. And now, knowing that I have something growing inside of me, there IS a definitely possibility of these events happening for me with my own child. (Don't get me wrong, I know anything can happen between now and 9 months, but I'm not going to worry or bother about that for as much as I can.)

The song below, Possibility by Lykke Li, has been in my head the last several days. I was listening to it at work earlier this week and I copied the words into a post for later. It didn't sit there for long waiting to be talked about, because I just can't get it out of my head. This is a beautiful and hauntingly sad song. I love it. The words, melody and voice just speak to me so deeply right now.

Lykke Li - Possibility

There's a possibility
There's a possibility
All that I had was all I'm gonna get
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

There's a possibility
There's a possibility
All I gonna get is gone with your step
All I gonna get is gone with your stare

So tell me when you hear my heart stop
You're the only one that knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There's a possibility I wouldn't know
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Know that when you leave
Know that when you leave
By blood and by me, you walk like a thief,
By blood and by me, and I fall when you leave

So tell me when you hear my heart stop
You're the only one that knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There's a possibility I wouldn't know

So tell me when my sigh is over
You're the reason why I'm closed
Tell me when you hear me falling
There's a possibility it wouldn't show
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

By blood and by me, and I'll fall when you leave.
By blood and by me, I follow your lead.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I can't believe it! Those BFPs are mine!!!

2011-12-16T14:35:00.000+02:00

I tested twice this morning and didn't or just couldn't believe that those faint second lines were actually BFP lines. They had to be evaporation lines (even though it had been less than 10 min since I tested).

On my way to work I went and bought a different kind of test and held my pee for the next several hours. But before I tested at work, I called my clinic to see what happens next if I am indeed pregnant. I told the nurse that I wasn't sure if the tests I did in the morning were positive or not and that I was going to test again later today. The nurse said I should just wait until tomorrow! As if I could do that!! I mean, I probably will test again tomorrow, but no way was I going to only/just wait until then to re-test.

I tried asking about betas being taken, but I have no idea what they would be called in Finnish, so I only mentioned blood tests. She said that a blood test would reveal the same results as a home test. When I explained to the nurse in more detail (using many small Finnish words) what I meant by 'blood test' and 'beta', she said they don't do that at this clinic, they have too many patients for that. I still have no idea if they do beta draws in Finland at all or if this is just a public clinic standard. Oh well, no betas for me. Well, unless I start spotting or there are other complications, then I'll get betas taken. Let's hope the later doesn't happen.

I was also informed to continue taking the progesterone (that I knew) and to call again on Monday with the "official" results. At that point, if I truly am pregnant, an appointment will be made in 3 or so weeks (January sometime) to see how everything is going. O M G! I would really have to wait that long to be seen? Oh well, that's how it is done at this clinic. If there is anything I have learned about IF treatments, they vary considerably from clinic to clinic and especially around the world.
And this is what I got when I tested just after lunch. A huge freaking BFP!!

I still don't believe! Or rather, I do believe it, but not really.

I know my news is going to be hard for many and for that I'm so very sorry. (I won't be offended or hurt (not much at least *hugs*), for those of you who need to un-follow me.) This isn't the end of IF for me and my struggles won't just go away. There have been way too many tears for all of it to just be forgotten. It's been almost 3,5 years that we've been trying to get even this far. This is just the beginning of a new phase in this whole 'trying to get pregnant' process and I know that nothing is ever certain. I've followed too many other IFers through their journey to know the facts of it all. This very well could end sadly at any moment. But, until something changes, I'm going to try and wrap my head around this new information and try not to offend too many. At the same time, know that this is my blog and my journey, I write here what I feel I need to. This blog has given me the outlet I've needed when things have been their worst (and best). Then, when I found this wonderful IF and ALI community via the Stirrup Queens' blog earlier this year, I just can't imagine my life without you all. Thank you for your support and kind words.
I can't believe I rambled on this much... (Mr Siili could.)

One more sleep

2011-12-15T17:29:00.000+02:00

It's been a pretty good day today, after I finally woke up. I've not been getting much sleep lately with going to bed late because we've been working on loan and insurance stuff and then waking up (too) early for work. Last night and this morning were no different. *yawn* But the day itself hasn't been half bad.

My lady bits were so raw and sore last night from the progesterone, I was ready to just stop taking it all together. I know, so close to the finish line, I could stick it out...but I just didn't want to. But I did! I did cheat a little and sort of "missed" one dose, but my lady bits sure are thanking me for it. And now, I've got just one more sleep before I can POAS, less than 24 hours (more like 14 hours) to find out it is a BFN and stop my progesterone! I'm so freaking excited!

In other news, Mr Siili had an interview today and HE GOT THE JOB!!!!! The company only sent him an email last night asking if he would be available for an interview today, but he didn't get the email until quite late. So he woke up early (for him) this morning and replied. The company called him back and he was in the interview by noon and called me by 13:30 telling me he had the job if he wanted it. I'm so freaking thrilled! I hope he likes the job!

I spent 2.5 hours during work today (on my own time) going to 2 different insurance companies and chatting with them. *phew*

And now, in 5 minutes, I'm leaving work to head to BodyCombat! It's been weeks since I've gone. There is a new program and I want to experience it a few times before my gym membership runs out at the end of the month. (Part of cutting back on expenses. My work has a gym downstairs with machines, but no classes.)

One last announcement. If you haven't signed up for this year's Creme de la Creme list, do it! Today is the last day (until 11:50 EST) to get your entry in the list that is published on January 1st.

Thank you for the award (part 2)

2011-12-14T23:28:00.000+02:00

The second award I was recently given is the Tell me about yourself award - Your blog is great! award. Just reading the name of this award makes me feel good. And I can't wait to pass this on, as there are many blogs that I love reading and following because I do think they are great.

This award was bestowed not once, but thrice! Unfortunately, one of the ladies didn't leave their contact info with me, so I can't link back to them. But the two wonderful lades I do have the scoop on are:
Pork chop at BIAGO - Baby, If All Goes Optimally, (recently got her BFP)
M at Sprout (recently married!)

Like the Liebster award, this too has some instructions to follow. This time I am to tell you seven things about myself that you may not already know and then nominate fifteen other bloggers in hopes that we can get to know them a little better too.

A little 7 somethings about myself.
1. I love drinking/sipping pickle juice (and olive juice) straight from the jar, but it has to be the right kind of pickles. Dill are the best!

2. I'm a bit ashamed that I haven't read more of the classics. Although, I'm reading Pride and Prejudice right now and I just don't get it. I mean, I get the concept, but it is so boring!

3. Usually when I do these sort of meme's, I ask my husband to help me tell stuff about myself. This time, I'm going to try and do it all on my own. . o O (This might take some time...)

4. I love being crafty with paper, cloth, ribbons and all that fun 'craft' stuff. I really should make more time to do it. Once we move into our new place next year (and no kids), Mr Siili and I will each have our own room to do with what we please. I can't wait to have a craft room!

5. Every night as I crawl into bed, I have to put on hand lotion (unscented) and chapstick (Lip Smacker is my favorite).

6. Ever since I got my tongue pierced when I was 18, I brush my tongue when I brush my teeth. If I can't remember if I brushed it or not, I've got to quickly do it (again).

7. When I was about 5 years old, my friend and I snuck out of the house on a warm rainy afternoon (in Hawaii) and did a rain dance for my friend's family's goat, Pearl.

Here are my choices (in no particular order) of blogs that I think are great. I mean, duh, why would I be following them if they weren't great?

1. The annoyed army wife @ the annoyed army wife
2. Baby Hopes @ Chasing Our Stork: From ART to Adoption
3. Sarah @ Dear Baby G
4. Marissa @ Eggs in a Basketcase
5. Diana @ Bun(less) in the Oven
6. Elaine @ Storm in MY Tea CuP
7. ♥ Cass @ One Day: I'll have my baby bump
8. Theresa @ Outlander Kitchen
9. Emily @ A peek into our journey
10. Bernadette Duane @ Rasta Less Traveled
11. Cyn @ Cyn's Adventure in India
12. Hopeful1 @ Our Twisty Turny Journey
13. dcg @ Dead Cow Girl: Dominatrix Mommy Blogger
14. Jes G @ all i ever wished for....
15. Sushigirl @ Just us and the cat

Thank you for the award (part 1)

2011-12-14T23:19:00.001+02:00

I've recently been gifted with two awards. I'm totally thrilled that someones (that is not a typo) have thought of me and passed these on in my direction. Thank you!

Thank you Cattiz from Colors of Cattiz for this Liebster Blog award. She's a fellow ex-pat to whom I feel a kindred spirit (although none of the same countries are involved for us) and she is an IF'er who is lucky enough to be pregnant now! I wish her all the best!

This Award is given to bloggers who have less than 200 followers, all in the spirit of fostering new connections. Leibster is German and means ‘dearest’ or ‘beloved’ but it can also mean ‘favorite’. The idea of the Leibster award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers.

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favourite bloggers and keep it going!

My top five picks (in no particular order) for this award are:
1. Kat - I'm very far away
2. Princess Jo - A Life of Choice
3. M - Sprout
4. Katri - How his knees could bend
5. Charlotte Jean - Charlotte's Web

1 lonley frozen embryo + Xmas Quiz

2011-12-12T21:47:00.002+02:00

I'm just so bummed right now, that I just don't have it in me to write a proper post. I got my letter in the mail on Friday that out of the 5 embyros we left growing the week before, only 1 of them made it to 5 days and into the freezer. One embryo! Only one! I'm so sad.

It's also only 4 more sleeps until I POAS. Time has passed..not slowly and not quickly, but just passed. Bleh.

Enough of this blah-ness, here's some fun xmas questions that the annoyed army wife recently posted that are sure to cheer everyone up, myself included. Hohohoho!

Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot chocolate, only because there isn't egg nog in Finland, unless I make my own and that is gross! I wouldn't drink much egg nog if I did get a hold of it, but a taste would be great. It's been way too long.

Colored lights on tree/house or white? None. We don't own any xmas lights. I do have puukynttelikkö (image below), which is a candelabra sort of thing that is very popular here in Finland. I just need to remember to dig it out of our closet and plug it in.

Xmas goats, Ms Mansi & puukynttelikkö

Do you hang mistletoe? I don't think there is mistletoe in Finland. So, nope, we don't hang it here.

When do you put your decorations up? Uhm, when I have a kid. I almost forgot, I do sometimes make a gingerbread house. Below is last year's.

What is your favorite holiday dish? Do I really have to choose one? I love the rossoli salad (mentioned in this post), rutabaga and sweet potato casserole and all of the sweets! I also love my mom's pesto torta (recipe in this post).

Favorite Holiday memory as a child? Maybe the year all of us cousins were at grandma and grandpa's house for xmas. We saw Rudolf's nose in the distance, heard sleigh bells and hoof noises on the roof! It was so exciting!!

When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I have no clue. I just know that we had to pretend there was a Santa for our youngest brother.

Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Growing up, we'd get to open one smallish gift on xmas eve. In Finland, Santa comes on xmas eve (kids get to meet him) and leaves all of the gifts. So, we open them all on xmas even and sleep in on xmas day.

How do you decorate your Christmas tree? I've never had a tree of my own since I've lived away from home. I also don't care for decorating it, so my mother-in-law usually does it.

Snow! Love it or Dread it? At the beginning of the season, I love it. Give me until January or February, I'll tell you a different story.

Do you remember your favorite gift? The two toys that come to mind are the Rubik's magick, which I still have, anda Magical Musical Thing (mine was blue). You could play it with your head (running the bar/stick back and forth).

What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Sweets and more sweets! I make tons of different cookies each year. Chocolate chip are always there.

What is your favorite holiday tradition? Family time.

Candy Canes: Yuck or Yum? I can eat about 1 peppermint and that's all. Other flavors, I might be able to eat a few more. Although, you only find a few (peppermint) candy canes here at all.

Favorite Christmas movie? I'm not that big on xmas movies, but maybe The Snowman is ok.

Saddest Christmas Song? One Tin Solder

What is your favorite Christmas song? See above. I think we sang this in elementary school choir and it has just stuck with me ever since. I love the story of it.

In the 1WW and some candid thoughts

2011-12-09T18:53:00.000+02:00

So, uhm, yeah, next week on Friday morning, I get to POAS if AF hasn't already shown up. I guess we'll see what happens, won't we?

At this point in time, I'm feeling totally indifferent to it all. I'm not excited about the possibility of being pregnant, if anything I'm sort of dreading it. I know! Who would have thunk, that after almost 3,5 years of trying to get pregnant, that I'd dread getting pregnant? I have my reasons though and I'm going to share them with you.

First off, I've been thinking about it for some time now that maybe we/I should take a break from TTC. I mean, it has been almost 3,5 years, with close to 2 of those years adding hormones to my body. Also, once we've gone through our 3 rounds of IVF and any FETs at the public clinic, I'm done. If we wanted to continue with fertility treatments, we'd need to go through a private clinic. I'm not sure Mr Siili will agree to that. I'm afraid he'll say we have tried what we can and if 3 rounds, what more can be done? I'm also afraid he won't be willing to shell out the added cash any more.

Also, I worry at times that maybe Mr Siili and I just won't make a good family. We argue over the stupidest of stuff. Thankfully not too often. But many of our heated discussions are over the same exact things that we've been discussing for years on end. We just don't seem to know how to resolve them. Mr Siili doesn't want to go to counseling and I'm too chicken and lazy to go on my own. I'm also not sure if Mr Siili really wants to be a dad. Sure, if it happens he'd step up to the plate and be a great dad, most of the time. But then there are those times that worry me a bit.

More recently, finances. We're in the process of talking to banks to see if we can get a loan for our new place. A loan that will own us for the next 23-25 years! And right now, we're operating off of one income, some unemployment and some savings, but savings only go so far. Especially with a loan looming. I also haven't been the bestest about finances and making a financial plan. That's not to say that I've been totally horrible either, just not as good and efficient as I should be. Yes, I know I work in the finance department at my work, but I work in a specific area and with specific tasks. Yes, I also know I went to Int'l Business School, but a lot of what they taught us there was crap and not always useful in the day to day world. Sad, but true.

Along this finance line of thought, Mr Siili is concerned that I'm trying to make my decision to stop TTC for a while a "financial decision", which he says it isn't. We aren't trying to get pregnant for the sake of saving money or to gain money. Money is just money and it is something we need to live, but at the same time it shouldn't stop us from living life (to an extent).

To tie all of these thoughts and concerns together, I've been trying to come to terms with the fact that I may never become a mom. (No, I don't think adoption is an option for us.) This scares the crap out of me. I'm not ready to think this or admit this might be a possibility, but I really do think I need to start thinking about it. Right this instant, I don't feel as if I could live a fulfilled life without a kid and that's a pretty bad place to be. So, in trying not to get my hopes up or let my hopes down, I'm indifferent. I'd also like to know whether or not I need to continue leaking progesterone from my lady bits on a daily basis or not. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'll be elated (and worried) if I do get a BFP next week.

Ugh

2011-12-08T21:04:00.001+02:00

Start rant:

Stupid fertiles.
*And my husband doesn't understand*.

:End rant.

More from me tomorrow.
*edited to add this.

Star light, star bright

2011-12-07T12:49:00.001+02:00

Star light, star bright,
First star I see tonight.
Wish I may, wish I might,
Get the wish I wish tonight.

I sure won't be seeing any stars tonight. But that is ok, it is finally snowing*. And I'm loving it!

For the last 3+ years, whenever I see my first star of the evening/night, I would say that little nursery rhyme and make my wish. I'm sure you can guess what my wish has been every. single. time. You, you guessed it. I've wished to get pregnant, have a baby or some sort of warm squishy feeling along those lines.

Lately though, the response to that little nursery rhyme has been different. I've been wishing for Mr Siili to find a job (that he likes) and that he is happy/satisfied/content. I don't count them as two separate things, because I see them as going hand in hand.

It's been almost a year since he had a job and a couple of months less since he got his doctorate. I can only imagine how difficult this is for him and the stress if not having a job. Especially with us hopefully getting a loan soon for our new place. I know it weighs on him something fierce. And for all that, I just want him feeling positive about things. I know it would make many life easier.

*Several hours later and the white stuff is still coming down.
JustHeather

Finnish Independence Day

2011-12-06T12:50:00.000+02:00

Today, Finland celebrates its 94th year of independence from Russia (and before that Sweden). It's a national holiday, so no work and all stores are closed for the day. There will be lots of events and parties throughout the country, but the biggest and most tuned into will be the "Castle Ball" (Linnan juhlat) at the Presidential Palace. Many people spend the evening watching the approximately 2000 guests file into the party to critique the dresses and clothing of the people as they enter. (Personally, I might watch it for 2-3 minutes.)

As for Mr Siili and I, we stayed up late last night and we've slept in today. In a bit we'll go to his brother and wife's house to celebrate 2 of their 3 kids' birthdays. I'm not really in the mood to go, but it is the familial thing to do.

Instead of me rambling on today, I'll leave you with some Finnish Facts:

*Finland is a bilingual country, Finnish and Swedish being the two national languages. (I couldn't care less about Swedish.)

*The Finnish language (a.k.a. Suomi) is an non Indo-European language belonging to the Uralic family, along with Estonian and Hungarian. Independence day in Finnish = itsenäisyyspäivä

*Finland is situated between Sweden (on the left) and Russia (on the right). Norway also borders us at the very north a bit.

*Finland is the home of the Santa Claus. (I've visited him once.)

*We've had a female president, Tarja Halonen, since March 1, 2000.

*The population is 5 194 901 people (I'm counted in that!) and we also have over two million saunas. That's an average of one sauna per household!

*Yes, Nokia phones are from Finland. Before mobile phones, Nokia used to produce many other things, such as rubber products (tires, boots), paper products, communications cables, televisions and so on. The town of Nokia, where it more or less all began, is just a stone's throw away from where I live now.

*Currency is euro. In euro coins there are once two, five, ten, twenty and fifty cents, plus one and two euro denominations. Although, in Finland, we do not and never have used the one or two cent coins. (Yay!) When purchasing something with cash, the final price is rounded up or down to the nearest 0,05cents. Although 1 and 2 cent coins are, strictly speaking, legal tender, shops are not obliged to take them.

*When driving in Finland you must keep your headlights on at all times. It's been the law since 1982.

*Today, the sun rose at 9:22am and it will set at 3:08pm. That's only 5hours and 45 minutes of day light.

Progesterone + pads = pain in the ...

2011-12-05T17:26:00.000+02:00

Ok, so I don't really have any pain anywhere from either the progesterone or pads (or panty liners), but I liked the continuation of the P-alliteration. But it brings up the fact that I don't like progesterone, nor pads!

I don't think I have many side effects from the progesterone suppositories other than the very prominent sore breasts and hard nipples (is that one even progesterone related?). I feel quite lucky for this, but it still doesn't mean I like having the progesterone leak out of me all day long and gush at least 3 times a day. This is just not sexy!

Which leads me to the issue of pads/panty liners. I have a much bigger dislike of pads than I do of progesterone, but when using progesterone suppositories, pads are a necessary evil. Imagine, if I didn't have any pads to protect my panties and pants? I'd be one huge greasy leak. Just the thought of that makes me queasy (or maybe it was eating too much sweets today). But really, I just hate the fact of having something bulky and in between my legs all day long. (Hey, I'm not complaining about having something between my legs ever, it is just the pad thing that I'm complaining about. *wicked grin*) I've bought many different brands and types over the years and for the most part, most of them, especially the bulkier ones, just don't stay nicely in place. Or, I am constantly reminded of their presense just because they are there. I have found one brand with very thin liners that I will use at the end of AF, but they are definitely not absorbant enough for progesterone. Pads just aren't sexy either!

Does anyone else have such a dislike of pads as I do? I can't be the only one out there that prefers a tampon almost any day over a pad. What about those of you who use pads regularly, is there any particular reason you'd use them over tampons? I mean, I'd prefer to not have to use tampons or pads for 9 months, but that's another matter all together.
Please weigh in.

Transfer day for IVF #3

2011-12-02T18:42:00.000+02:00

Today, December 2nd, I had two embryos transferred back into me, but before I share the details on that, I want to update on what went on since I last posted.

The bus ride on Wednesday morning wasn't so bad. The bus was full, but I had a book with me to read (the last pages of Incubus Dreams, by Anita Blake). We arrived about 10 minutes early (8:20am) and there was no one at the reception to sign in, so I went pee. By the time I came out, Mr Siili was gone (to give his sample, I figured) and a nurse was waiting to escort me back.

As soon as I walked into the back area, I was told to take the 1mg of Panadol they had set out for me, get my shoes, pants and undies off and the dressing gown on. Next I got my IV inserted for antibiotics, which I get every time because of endometriosis. As the nurse did the IV, I asked about the possibility of getting progesterone injections, but they don't do those in Finland. Bummer. Then it was time to relax (and start reading The Other Handy by Chris Cleave) while the antibiotics dripped. Mr Siili joined me again. The nurse had a difficult time getting the antibiotic drip off and I bled all over the dressing gown. She had me change to a clean one. Then it was time to be harvested.

The retrieval went quite quickly and without any hitches. I was given two syringes of pain meds (morphine or something else along those lines) and then the nurses and doctor finished getting ready to do their stuff. There was some pinches and pokes that did hurt, but not nearly as bad as last time. One of my ovaries was playing hard to get and took a bit more maneuvering to get to, which caused the doctor to press the wand quite uncomfortably, almost painfully, against my clitoris. Thankfully it didn't last too long. Then the other ovary and it was all done. I was told they had collected 10 eggs.

Back at my bed, I unsteadily crawled onto the bed. The nurse tried telling me something about pain meds, but I just couldn't understand what she was saying in Finnish. Mr Siili explained it for me. haha. I told Mr Siili he could head home, as I was fine. I guess I told him a bunch of other things too, but I have no idea what they were and he couldn't quite understand me. Mr Siili stuck around for a bit longer and then caught the next bus home. I slept for a while until the nurse woke me and asked how I was doing. I asked for pain meds, which helped. I slept some more. Again, a while later, the nurse asked how I was doing and I told her I'd like to sleep a bit longer. Around 11am I dragged myself out of sleep and sat up to eat my snack I had brought with me (as instructed). I let my friend know I'd call her in a bit to let her know when I was ready to head home. The nurse came and talked to me, confirmed 10 eggs retrieved and gave me papers to go home.

My friend picked me up just after 11:30 and drove me home. Once home, I crawled into bed and slept many hours. Mr Siili had appointments to be at, so I was home with the cats. I got tired of laying in bed, so I plugged the TV in for the first time since spring and watched some stupid stuff. I was just too bloated and in pain to move much. Thankfully the pain meds they gave me seemed to still most of my coughing. That was a relief!!

Thursday Mr Siili and I sat around and watched TV shows _all_ day. It was very relaxing.

Today, I went in at 11am for the transfer, with a not so full bladder (bad me). I did drink water, I guess it just hadn't gotten to my bladder yet. Out of the 10 eggs, 8 fertilized although one of those didn't look so good. They transferred 1 excellent and 1 good embryo to me today. That leaves 5 embryos growing over the weekend and they will see what will be frozen on Monday.

Only time will tell what happens with this cycle. I can test on December 16th. I'm not feeling anything at the moment, except still a bit bloated and sore. I'm thinking that if this cycle doesn't work, we'll take some time off before trying the possible FETs. Mr Siili doesn't know this, but it will be ok for him either way, so long as I am ok with it. I think I will need a break for a while after this. I'm not sure how long of a break. But at least until I go stir crazy again.

It's a free day

2011-11-29T19:14:00.000+02:00

No, I don't mean I was free from work, in fact, it has been a long day at work. Rather, I didn't and don't have to snort anything or inject myself with something today. It's the day before my retrevial! I'm definitely feeling bloated. Pregnyl gave me a bruise last night, but it looks more of a red spot than a bruise. It is sore though.

I'm also extremely exhausted from not sleeping much last night because I coughed up a lung. You know the type of cough where you are almost going to throw up because of it? Yeah, that was me most of the night. In fact, my coughing today has only been a notch lower than that. I sick and tired of coughing!

I don't look forward to stuffing something in my lady bits starting tomorrow, espcially since I've been dealing with a yeast infection lately. I've had enough of stuff leaking out of me to last a life time! But, if this ends up being for a good reason, I _think_ can live with it. *grin* I do think I'll ask about PIO, though.

On the plus side, I've not had to evade any questions from co-workers about why I suddenly need 3 days off at the busiest time of the month and with 2-3 others off already. They all just seemed to take it in stride and gave me well wishes to get better. So, maybe being sick and sounding like I was spreading the plague at work has worked with me this time.

In any case, I'm off from work Wednesday and Thursday. We'll see how I feel by Friday whether I go back to work or not. I'm not looking looking forward to going to the clinic by bus, as it 20-30 minutes to our trip there. But I also respect (sort of) Mr Siili's non-desire to drive. We'll make it there in any case, most likely grumpy and not talking because it is too early for Mr Siili to be awake and I'll be chattering away. LOL

No more stims and retrieval soon!

2011-11-28T20:20:00.000+02:00

I so didn't mean to go this long without posting, nor to be totally absent from ICLW. I feel bad on both accounts, but at the same time, sometimes life takes over and we have to do what we have to do. Mr Siili and I have been crazily working on our financial stuff to get ready to ask for a bank loan in hopes that we can get one for our new place. So, that has pretty much taken precedence over everything else lately. I have been thinking of everyone (and I will reply to all comments!) when I haven't had my head full of numbers and fog from being sick. Yeah, I've been sick too. Anyway, while I'm stealing a few minutes from work, I'll try to update you all on where I am (we? I'm the one being stuck each day, hubby isn't doing a thing!) on the IVF schedule.

As I left off on Thursday, I had 3 appointments on Friday. The first was with a therapist/psychologist. I'm still processing what went on, but I'm not sure I'm convinced. The third appointment (yes, I'm skipping around) was with the work nurse to check out my throat and coughing. I didn't have white stuff in the back of my throat, nor a fever, so most likely no strep-throat. I made an appointment for Monday to go back if I still wasn't feeling well. The 2nd appointment of the day was with my fertility clinic.

At the fertility clinic, the ultrasound showed that I have 1+2 follicles on my right ovary and 3+3 on my left. (The first number is the bigger, more mature follicles and the second number is the slightly smaller ones.) That's only 9 little follicles. I'm a bit sad at the number. I know, I know, it only takes one... My body is responding much faster than the previous times, so my retrieval date has been bumped up again, this time to Wednesday, November 30th! The timing couldn't be worse at work! But, what's a girl to do?! I can't control my hormones, it's the doctors' fault!

While at the IVF appointment, I asked about the intense sensitivity of my lady bits. They have been so sensitive, so much so that it is almost painful. I look healthy down there (as agreed by the doctor) and no yeast infection looking stuff, so it could just be from the Menopur and Synarela. But as the weekend wore on, I just got more sore and more milky white stuff leaking, but still not yeasty. I used some cortizone cream to make myself comfortable until Monday.

Saturday was the pikkujoulut (little christmas) for all the girls on my husband's side of the family. I organized it this year, so it was in my own town. Yay for not having to take a bus or train 2 hours somewhere. Some of us met at the museum to see the Lady Ostapeck exhibit that is in town. Very interesting lady! She's American born to Finnish parents and has had a life. Her photos are beautiful and so are the dresses she has made. Then us girls went to dinner at a local pub (they brew their own beer) and chatted. It was a decent evening, but all of the girls my age have kids, so guess what the topic was about most of the evening?

Sunday was spent recovering and working more on finance stuff and trying not to cough my brains or lungs out. Mr Siili and I also had a long-ish and good discussion about life and how we view things. He still finds it scary that I say I don't think I can live my life, happily, without a kid. Although, I do know that if the day comes that I for sure won't be able to have kids, I'll have to try to learn to live with a new 'happy'. But I'm not there yet. But I find it just as scary his view on what he expects or doesn't expect from life or at least what he has learned to not to expect from it and still go on being ok and hopefully happy with it.
We got some snow during the late evening, but it was so wet that it didn't stick at all. At least not in my part of town. I can't wait for the snow to arrive!

Today, I made my way back to the work doctor's office (actual doctor, not nurse this time) and got a prescription for my throat infection and I also got something for my yeast infection. Yes, I could have just gone and bought something over the counter, but getting a prescription for it, I only have to pay 1,50€ instead. So, I'm even more medicated now, but hopefully on the mend.

As for IVF stuff. I injected my last Menopur shot last night and my last nose spray of Synarela this morning. Tonight I have a double dose (only of the powder, not the liquid) of Pregnyl, ovulation simulation. I'm not feeling as bloated and crampy as I have in the past, especially with IVF #2, but I am feeling it. My symptoms are nothing like what others have descriped, thankfully. I think yesterday is when I started noticing more symptoms: crampy, bloating!, very sore nipples and hormonal-moodiness and the need to pee all the time (that's a new one for me).

--
I ~~ran~~ walked quickly from work to the gym for BodyBalance. I opted out of BodyCombat this week feeling it would be just a bit too much, with bloating and a cold. Now I can finish this post. BodyBalance was an easy class and it felt good, except for one thing we did: the Rocking Horse Pose/Upward Bow. You know the one where you lie on your stomach, reach your hands back to grab your ankles and rock. Well, uhm, that was so not comfortable for multi-follicle me.
--

We're going to the retrieval appointment on Wednesday by bus. I could drive us there, but Mr Siili doesn't want to drive us home. He's doesn't like driving, especially with the weather being slushy/icy/snowy unpredictable right now. Mr Siili also has an interview on Wednesday, which means he needs to be back in our part of town earlier to ~~take a nap~~ get ready for it. So we'll go by bus and I have a friend that will pick me up afterward, if I'm done early enough before noon.

Wish me luck! I'm keeping you all in my thoughts! I hope my life calms down a bit so I can blog and comment again regularly.

Happy Turkey-day (or stim day 5)

2011-11-24T17:19:00.000+02:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope you are able to find many things you are thankful for this year and during this holiday season. I do have many things to be thankful for, but this time of the year has always been a bit bittersweet ever since I moved so far away from my family. The holidays just aren't the same as what they used to be. We don't have Halloween or Thanksgiving here in Finland, but we do have Christmas, even if it isn't celebrated the same as in the USA.

Thanksgiving has been touched with a drop of sorrow since my grandma died in 1990. She was my favorite grandma and only 66 (3 days short of her 67th birthday). My mom's mom died Thanksgiving eve in her sleep. I was 14 years old and all of us grandkids had just spent the summer with her that year. I am thankful for that summer, but I still wish I had more time with her. (Isn't that always the case about the deceased?) My last conversation with my grandma was about how she was thinking of getting her ears pierced! I remember thinking how cool she was for wanting to get them pierced even though she was old. This was also the grandma that "hired" an 18 year old boy/man to take us kids to the pool and hang out with us that summer. My mom never could believe that her mom would hire such a boy (Mormon, sweet and innocent that he was!) to watch after us kids, especially since I WAS 14 and noticing boys. LOL

This year is going to be tinged with more bitter than sweet as it is the first year without my mom. I'm still missing her, a lot!

Right now is feeling much worse because of Thanksgiving, hormones from IVF and stress with finances for our new place we are trying to buy. I haven't been sleeping well or enough the last few nights. I'm fighting off a cold, which I hope doesn't get any worse, because I just can't miss work (but if it comes down to it, I will miss it and that's that). I do have my first appointment with a therapist tomorrow morning. I'm quite nervous about it and I'm also quite sure I'll leave there with puffy eyes. I also have another clinic appointment to see how things are progressing with the hormones. I'm worried that maybe I shouldn't be trying to get pregnant right now with the stress of buying our place, I'm not sure we have enough money and having a kid won't make it any easier. Bleh, I hate feeling so horrible.

To end this post in a slightly more positive note, I'd like to say I'm thankful for each and every person who reads and comments on my blog. I appreciate every single word!! (I know I'm being totally horrible this month about reading and commenting for ICLW. I'm sorry.) I'm also thankful for my husband who puts up with all of my shit (and there is a lot of it). And most of all, I'm just trying to be thankful for everything. It's not always easy, but I've got to keep trying.

Day 3 of Menopur injections

2011-11-22T19:26:00.000+02:00

It might be day 3 of injections, but so far I've only done 2 injections. The 3rd one will be later this evening after I leave work. (I'm done with work, emails and chat closed, but I decided to quickly write up this post at work instead of at home.) And I'm quite sure I'm already feeling some effects of the Menopur. I guess I shouldn't wonder too much, I am injecting 300IU each night and that is more than the recommended dose on the instruction sheet that came with the package. So far, I'm feeling a few twingy-twangy feelings in my ovaries, mostly the right side. My abdomen is sore exactly where I've done the injections, although surprisingly enough, no visible bruising, yet. I still do get mini-headaches off and on. I'd say that isn't bad at all in the way of side effects. But I know there is more to come.

In non-IVF related news, I went to the gym yesterday and I'm quite sore! I went to BodyBalance and BodyCombat. My favorite two classes! We did tons of punches in Combat and now my neck and shoulders are sore. This isn't a very nice sore feeling this time either. I also think I'm coming down with a cold. I'm feeling quite feverish and my throat is a bit scratchy. I hope it goes away if I can get a good night's rest tonight. I'm too swamped at work to miss any days!

Speaking (typing?) of work, I mentioned previously that my harvest date is scheduled for Friday, December 2nd. That couldn't be a worse date for me to miss work. There are several people out of the office and it is day 2 of month end closing, the most important day for my tasks. (I working in finance.) Scratch that, there are worse days, but this one is pretty bad also. I've already told my boss that I'll be out of the office on this day, with a doctor's note excusing it, and that I can't change it. Sorry! I didn't have to tell her and I could have just called that morning saying I wasn't coming in, but I'm nice that way.

Today, Mel at Stirrup Queens has posted her Annual Thankfulness Virtual Meal. I love this idea and I was excited to participate! (I was even the first commenter! lol) I'm so very thankful for Mel and everything she has done to make this ALI community what it is. I found this community less than a year ago and I just can't imagine how I would have survived this year without it. My list of blogs that I follow has grown by leaps and bounds. There are so many women that I can't wait until they post a new post. I so look forward to what they have to say and how their journey is going. Even when someone else has gotten their BFP! It just might mean that it is a bit harder for me to share in their enthusiasm, but that is a reflection on myself, not on the fortunate women themselves.

Mel asked everyone to share what they are bringing to the potluck-meal. The first thing that came to my mind was my mom's Pesto Torta. This is so easy to make, yet so very delicious! It was joked sometimes that my mom wasn't invited to a party unless she'd bring this (or her oyster stuffing balls at Thanksgiving). I made it several years ago for christmas to see what my in-laws thought of it. It was a hit and they've asked for it every year since. I think I would have made it even if they didn't like it so much because I love it. I am definitely going to continue making it, espeically now that my mom is gone. Although, now I think it will be made with a bit of tears and sorrow along with happiness.

Here's the basic recipe that my mom taught to me. There aren't any set amounts or measurements, we have always just mixed a bit of this and a bit of that and it turns out delish!

Pesto Torta by Robbin River Sky
Ingredients:
Red Layer
Sun dried tomatoes
     - reconstituted in warm water, then drained OR drained of oil; finely chopped

White Layer
Cream cheese layer

     - cream cheese
     - parmesian (my mom used a 2nd cheese, but I can't remember what it was)
     - sour cream (unflavored yogurt)

Green Layer
Pesto layer
For the homemade type, puree the following in a blender:
     - olive oil (add enough that you get a nice sauce consistency)
     - fresh basil
     - pine nuts or cashews
     - a garlic piece or two
     - parmesian

Directions:
1. Prepare the 3 layers in separate bowls. The white layer should thicker than the sour cream, but not as thick as cream cheese.
2. In a shallow-ish dish (I use the lid to one of my round casserole dishes*) sprinkle some pine nuts in the dish (optional) then spread a nice layer of the tomatoes.
3. Next, gently spread on the white layer and then the green layer on top.
4. If possible, refridgerate over night for the flavors to mingle.
5. Before serving, let it warm just a little bit so that you can easily flip the torta out of the container you made it in. Flip the torta in a serving dish and serve with water crackers, bread or anything else you want to eat it with.

I love eating this with my turkey, potatoes and anything else I'd use pesto with.
May this become a favorite at your house!

*I know I have a picture of this at home, I'll update it later this evening.

November ICLW + I've started stims for IVF #3

2011-11-21T08:17:00.002+02:00

Welcome to International Comment Leaving Week for November.

I look forward to reading many new and familiar blogs this week. I also look forward to leaving comments wherever I go. I may not have the most witty, funny or perfect words to say, but know my heart is in the right place. May you learn something you didn't know before, find a new blog or just reacquaint yourself with a blog you hadn't read in a while. But most of all, I hope you enjoy your week of ICLW giving and receiving thoughtful comments.

Remember you still have until December 15th to submit your best post of the year to the 2011 Creme de la Creme list! It's less than a month away and with the holiday season upon us, the time is going to fly by fast!

A lot and nothing has happened this year, thankfully the year isn't over yet and a lot more can still happen. Mr Siili (my husband) and I have been trying to get pregnant for over 3 years now and we haven't achieved that yet. Not a single BFP. It's getting harder with each failed cycle, but we're keepin' on keeping on. As I mentioned in my post yesterday, I went to the clinic on Friday to see how my body is responding to Synarela (down regulation in the form of nose spray) and hopefully start the next step of IVF #3. Below is the story of that visit and a recap of past IVF cycles. (Do you realize that typing this up will take much longer than the actual appointment lasted? *laugh*)

The doctor called my name and away we went to the room. First the doctor figured out which language to conduct the appointment in: Finnish or English. Finnish, unless I don't understand, than I'll ask. The doctor asked when my period had started (Wednesday, thank you very much) and then had me get undressed. They don't mess around here. I hop up on the table and in went the wand. My lining looked good and my ovaries are inactive. Yay! I hopped off the table and put my clothes back on.

The doctor then proceeded to explain about the past two IVF cycles and why we were going to do this time. It got to be a bit too much for me and I asked if she could explain it in English. I'm so glad I did! I followed most of what she said, but there were just some things that I was able to grasp much better in English.

What she said was:
In the first IVF round one year ago, they retrieved 15 mature eggs. Of those, only 8 fertilized. The rest either didn't fertilize or too many sperm found their way to the eggs resulting in abnormal fertilization. Of those 8 that fertilized, we transferred the two best and none were frozen.

With the second IVF round earlier this year, 11 mature eggs were retrieved. Only 6 of those fertilized. The same reason was given for the ones that didn't fertilize. We again transferred two, but this time we were able to freeze 3. The following 2 FETs also failed.

Since my body has responded quite well to the hormones both times, but with a better quality of eggs during the second round of IVF, we'll continue much the same for this round. The down regulating drug, Synarela, is different and the doctors will perform ICSI in hopes of getting all eggs to fertilize, but everything is the same, I believe.

As of yesterday (Sunday), I've lowered the dose of Synarela by half and I started my ovary stimulation drug, Menopur. I'll be injecting 300IU for the next 4 days and then I'll head back to the clinic. Based on the previous 2 rounds, I'll most likely do 9 days of injections and then the retrieval date will be Friday, December 2nd. The transfer will be either on Monday the 5th or Wednesday the 7th. (My clinic is publicly funded and therefore not open on weekends or holidays; Dec. 6th is Finnish Independence.)

This means that I'll be either totally thrilled for christmas this year or I'll be totally devastated. I'm hoping for the former, but only time will tell.

And a little something to help your commenting juices to get flowing for ICLW:
What's your favorite holiday food? Is there a particular dish you're looking forward too?

For Thanksgiving in the USA, it is my mom's Osyter Balls (I need to see if my stepmom has that recipe.) and Pesto Torte. For the Finnish christmas, it is the Rutabaga Casserole and all the sweets.

It's been a good couple of days: a movie, clinic appointment, pikkujoulu and RHCP

2011-11-20T18:06:00.003+02:00

Things have been going a bit better. No more headaches, or at least not as bad as earlier this week. I still have the stressors in my life (who doesn't?), but they too aren't getting me down as bad as they were earlier this week. I'm try to work on things so that they aren't so stressful. We'll see how it works.

As I last mentioned, I went and saw Breaking Dawn part 1 on Thursday/Friday night, 4 minutes after midnight. Let me tell you, the movie was great!!! I think it followed the book quite well and everything was just beautiful. I definitely can't wait to see it again, although, I'll wait until it comes out on DVD, because I just don't want to pay movie theater prices to see it again. Some of the gals I went to the movie with, myself included, sure did feel old at the midnight showing. Most of the girls there were young, but I guess that was to be expected. It didn't take away the enjoyment of the movie at all. I did feel sorry for most of the handful of guys there, especially the older man who was obviously there with is daughter and friends. At least I hope that was the situation! There was one young emo-goth guy in pink with sparkly hair, I didn't feel sorry for him. I just giggled. I know, it makes me a bad person.

Friday I had the day off from work. It was so needed! I slept in until around 11am. (I only crawled into bed at 3am.) Once I woke up and got dressed, I headed to my clinic appointment. It was a good appointment with lots of information updated and explained to me. (The full clinic appointment details will be posted tomorrow for day 1 of November ICLW.) After the appointment I went to pick up my ovary stimulation injection drugs that I'll start today. And then it was back home to get ready for the evening's pikkujoulut.

Pikkujoulut means little christmas, which is the term for chistmas parties. In this case, it was my work's christmas party. This year's party was to be held at a local night club smack dab downtown. It was a cozy venue with only (~400) people from our company present. (Last year we shared the venue with 3-4 other companies and the live band/singer sucked!) There was a dj playing music before and after the American comedian. The comedian was quite funny, although some of his jokes were quite..American and, in my opinion, tasteless. They still got laughs, but he didn't really need to swear so much. I guess the American in me isn't so dominant anymore. He was funny and I liked his act, don't get me wrong.

The food was yummy and I ate a huge plate full. What? I hadn't eaten all day. And I'm never one to pass up on food! There was quite a traditional Finnish spread: ham, rosolli (beetroot) salad, salmon lox, mushroom salad, carrot casserole, potato casserole, rutabaga casserole and puff pastry stars with plum jam for dessert.
We each received 3 drink tickets as we entered the venue. No soda for me this year, I actually drank 3 ciders!! No, I didn't get drunk. Especially not with my tummy full of food and all the dancing I did.

I had such a blast. I danced danced danced* and then I switched shoes with a friend (she had high heels and I had pumps) and we danced danced danced some more. I'm not one for being out late and at clubs, but when you've got a bunch of people you know around, it was just too much fun to pass up. I am trying to block out the images of some of the drunk people, but that happens every year. You know, what happens at the pikkujoulu, stays at the pikkujoulu. I caught the 1:10am bus home.
*I just had to share this cute kitty cat dance.

To make a great day and night even better, a friend was able to purchase me an advance sales Red Hot Chili Pepper's ticket!!! That's right, I'm going to see RHCP in concert next August 1st. They are coming to MY TOWN. The ONE band that I have wanted to see for ever and ever and they are coming here! You'll here more about this later one, I'm very sure of it.

Saturday was spent being lazy, going to sauna and making soup for dinner. Today was almost as lazy, but we actually made it out of the house to go take pictures of our new place and buy milk. This next couple of weeks is going to be busy and I'm not sure I'm really looking forward to it. It'll be what it will be though.

It's my Friday and I'm going to the movies

2011-11-17T17:25:00.001+02:00

Less than an hour at work and my wekeend starts! Hopefully I can leave in 30 min, tops! In order to leave work on time, this will have to be short.
That's right, I've taken Friday off from work! I did it just so I could go see Breaking Dawn part 1 at midnight and not have to worry about waking up early for work the next day (same day, but that point). I've been waiting for this night for a year now. Ever since the 3rd movie was released.

I am very much looking forward to the movie, but I'm also quite preoccupied with other stuff going on (new house + finances) at the moment that I'm not fully getting the excitement and build-up before the movie. Add hormones on top of stress and you've got a girl who is ready to cry at the drop of a hat. I have a feeling I'll cry at home before heading out to the movie this evening. I hope a good cry makes me feel a bit better, but also doesn't leave me with eyes that are too puffy.

In other words, Mansi got ahold of Moose yesterday! I managed to find him in the hallway, face down. Darn cat!

Headache

2011-11-15T21:59:00.000+02:00

Tomorrow marks 1 week of taking the nose spray, Synarela, for IVF #3 and I think it is giving me headaches. I've never been one to get headaches, even when the doctors tell me I should. But I've had little niggling ones the last few days and today I've had a non-stop headache since around 3pm. It comes and goes in intensity, but it is always there. And it really sucks, but hey, I did say I'd do almost anything to get pregnant...

So, I think I'll actually crawl into bed early tonight. But before I do, here are a few things I found from Pinterest today.

Source: wallpaperbase.com via Dani on Pinterest

Source: netvibes.com via amanda on Pinterest

Source: page2rss.com via nd on Pinterest

Source: blessedwildapplegirl.tumblr.com via Amy on Pinterest

Adoption is not the be all and end all

2011-11-13T22:22:00.000+02:00

AAaaaaaaaaaargh!

I have a coworker that knows some of our TTC journey, yet the last few times we have spoken about the topic, she keeps saying that we should just adopt, because then we'd get pregnant. It makes me want to scream!! This evening I tried telling her all the stuff that we IFers already know, but she just wouldn't listen. Besides, I honestly don't know if adoption would be an option for Mr Siili and I. Also, I am not at the point where I feel I could think about adoption. I still want to carry a baby in my own womb. I don't know how else to get through to her without being totally down and out rude. I think my solution will just be to try and stay away from her as much as possible, but I have a feeling that isn't going to fully work.

In other news, watching the 3 already released Twilight movies today was great! I can't wait for the new movie on Thursday night / Friday morning. I also think the Synarela is doing something. I keep getting twitchy-twingy pangs in my ovaries.

Happy Father's Day to my Dad! (It's Father's Day here in Finland.)

Movie Marathon: Twilight

2011-11-13T00:54:00.001+02:00

Anyone else out there liking/loving Twilight books and movies as much as I do? I've read all the books twice and I'm sure I'll read them again at some point. They are just such a quick and easy read. I'm not sure what it is that keeps drawing me back, maybe it is the romance, the love story and the hope of a happily ever after. This story line just speaks to the inner girl and helpless romantic in me.

There's just under 5 days left until my friends and I get to see the midnight showing of Breaking Dawn part 1. I'm already excited to go see the movie, but I know my giddiness and school girlness will become more apparent as it gets closer. Thankfully I have coworker-friends who are just as excited as me!

Tomorrow at noon, I'm heading downtown to a coworker's apartment to watch all 3 Twilight movies in a row! We'll make some food, eat, drink, drool over Jacob and Edward, laugh and generally have a good time.

But first, I need to get some sleep so I can wake up and bake something sweet and delicious (lemony or chocolatey) to take with me. Any suggestions?

Eleven eleven eleven

2011-11-12T00:02:00.000+02:00

For this date which we will only see once in our lives, I asked my girlfriends over for the evening. And what an evening it turned out to be! We ate, shared stories, laughed, drank a bit, cried, hugged, reminisced, hoped for a brighter future and laughed some more. I am so thankful for my friends and the evening we shared. It is a moment in time that won't happen again, yet it is something that will be with us for a very long time. It was a cathartic evening and exactly what I needed.

First appointment for IVF #3

2011-11-11T00:27:00.001+02:00

Yesterday (Wednesday, Nov. 9) marked the first appointment for this third round of IVF. I was concerned that I had screwed things up by missing my appointment the week before, but I did no such thing. Having the appointment a week later just meant that I didn't have any waiting time to start the meds. I had to go to the pharmacy immediately and start the meds that day!

I'll be doing yet another long protocol, as I respond decently to the medications. The problem, the doctor said, seems to be with the quality of my eggs because of my endometriosis. *sigh* The doctor hopes, with the changes in medications this time around and also using ICSI, that things will work for us.

I started taking a nasal spray, Synarela*, yesterday. It is a "down-regulation" drug to stop my body from producing it's own ovulation stimulation hormones. The doctor said that if it was possible I should take one dose immediately (as soon as I went to get it) and the 2nd one when I went to bed. Well, I drove straight from the clinic to the pharmacy and took my first dose. Then in the evening, I was cleaning house, doing this and that and kept remembering to take the nose spray before I went to bed. By the time I actually crawled into bed, I totally forgot about the 2nd dose. DOH! But, since the doctor also said it was ok if I only took the one dose, I'm not worried, just a bit chagrined. Today's doses have gone off without a hitch. So far, I don't think this spray tastes nearly as bad as the Suprecur from IVF #2. I don't have to take it as often either! Only 2 times a day instead of four! Bonus!

During the wand ultrasound, we got a look at the endo-cyst on my left ovary. It is now 2mm, up from 1,7mm earlier this year. I have my fingers crossed that it doesn't get any bigger or I might need surgery before proceeding. At least that is what was threatened previously, although the doctor didn't say anything to that effect yesterday. I guess we'll see, right?

I need to go to the vampires again to have a bit of blood drawn. Some normal yearly IVF testing thing, that expired last month. Go figure! October 11, 2010 was the start of IVF round #1. Thankfully there is a lab right across the street from my work and I can be in and out of there in a short time.

My next appointment is in a week Friday. Hopefully AF cooperates and arrives on time (Wednesday), or I have to re-schedule for the following Monday. The doctor will check to see that my ovaries are taking a nap and that my lining has thinned or is thinning (not sure which it should be). Later in the cycle, I will be using Menopur again. Any other drugs, or the length of time I'll be using them and the doses, I have no clue about. I'll be told the info when it is time.

Retrieval and Transfer are scheduled for week 50 (week starting December 12th). I've already asked for that week off from work. I'll be using my last summer vacation days for it. If all goes well, we could be brining in our New Year with a bang!

That's it for now. Let's see where this cycle takes us!

*I Googled all sorts of things to find out exactly what Synarela does, which hormones it affects, etc. I started to copy/paste and type things out, but I've decided to delete it all. This just isn't a technical blog and I don't feel like turning it into one. If you want to know more precisely what GnRH, FSH, LH and so on and so forth, are and what they do, Google it for yourself. I found an IVF site that I quick liked.

So tired, so short

2011-11-09T23:38:00.001+02:00

I really should have been in bed ages ago, but the best of plans don't always work. LOL If I'm ever in bed (and asleep) before midnight, it generally means one of two things: I am sick or it is Friday. And by it being Friday, I mean that I have been going to bed late all week and waking up early all week and now I'm just too exhausted to stay awake another night, plus I can sleep in on Saturday!

But to my quick point of this post. I had my first IVF #3 appointment today. I didn't screw this cycle up by missing my original appointment last week. I've started taking a nose spray today and my next appointment is next week's Wednesday. I have it in my mind to post the details tomorrow when I'm hopefully not so tired.

p.s. I made my 3 wishes at the Stirrup Queens today. Did you make yours?

Two too many for Tuesday

2011-11-09T00:07:00.000+02:00

Originally I was going to title this "Two for Tuesday" and have 2 items under each emotion, but I realized that sometimes I just have too many items to go under one emotion. Instead you get my words spewed out in the order of what is popping up in my head.

- I miss my mom something fierce. As I lay in bed last night snuggling with Moose, I got to thinking about my mom, how so much of her stuff and family photos, etc are in the US. So far away from me. But if I bring them here, or even part of them, then my family in the US won't have them there. I started sobbing. I wish Moose was bigger to snuggle with.

- I've spotted a bit off and on since Friday. It frustrates me. I hate endometriosis and I hate the fact that I don't have any of the "normal" symptoms of it, as maybe it would have been diagnosed earlier. What if, what if...

- I'm physically tired. I should have gotten to bed earlier than I did last night, but I was crying. And then I couldn't calm down, so I read myself to sleep. I'm most of the way through the 11th book, Cerulean Sins, in the Anita Blake series by Laurel K. Hamilton.

- I'm mentally tired. Three plus years of TTC without a single BFP just sucks! I'm so tired of it all, but still can't imagine myself or my life not trying to get pregnant. Maybe someday, but definitely not yet.

- I brought tickets for the midnight showing of Breaking Dawn Part1 with 5 friends/coworkers. I'm so freakin' school girl excited!

- I got a flu shot yesterday and now my arm is sore. I also have another bruise to add to my collection of them. At least I know where this one came from, the one just below my knee, I have no idea where it came from. I probably walked into something. I just don't do corners well.

- I went to gym yesterday. Lately during BodyBalance, I get all teary-eyed each time I see the pregnant ladies in the class. I also think Adele's song of Rolling in the Deep doesn't help. Again, it's the combo of other pregnant women and memories of my mom. BodCombat was great!

- As I got ready for work this morning, Mr Siili was still peacefully sleeping. His face was just serene and beautiful.

- I have a clinic appointment tomorrow for what I hope is the start of IVF #3. The appointment should have been last week, but I screwed up the time. The nice lady who called me (and saved me a trip there to a closed-for-the-day office) helped me set up a new appointment. I wonder if I was charged for the missed appointment. Oh well. I'm excited and nervous about the appointment, as usual.

- I need to finish cleaning and tidying up our apartment. I've asked friends to come over for 11.11.11. It's the first time in AGES! I've had people over. It's been a good excuse for me to clean, because I've been so unmotivated for a long time. Plus it'll be great to see my friends again.

- There was a most beautiful sunset this evening. Brilliant purple and fire red in the sky. Too bad my phone couldn't capture it.

- I cried again this evening when going through all the knitted items that my mom made. They still smell like her place.

- Again, it is late and I should be in bed already. But I can't complain. I have a very good reason for still being awake: Mr Siili changed my mind about watching a show to creating a "show" of our own. LOL. Plus, I needed to write this.

Perfect Pumpkin Pancakes

2011-11-06T18:38:00.000+02:00

I love finding and trying new recipes. I love it even more when the recipe is a winner! This last week I was checking out Making Lemonade's Friday post and saw that she had linked to some Perfect Pumpkin Pancakes from Mom On Timeout. They looked delicious, easy and I happened to have one can of pumpkin left! I printed out the recipe and made them Saturday morning.

Oh my gosh! These really are perfect! They are easy to make, moist and oh, so yummy. (Even if I didn't have any cloves because I ran out of it last time I made zuc bread and never bough more, until today.) I've eaten them with maple syrup, apple sauce, plain and even cold. That are just that good. I was also nice enough to share some with Mr Siili.

The left overs are going with me to work tomorrow for breakfast! And I now need to figure out where to find more pumpkin, because I am going to make these again.

Below is the recipe for Perfect Pumpkin Pancakes.
If you want to see some yummy pictures and step-by-step how-to, check out Mom On Timeout's blog.

Ingredients
1 1/2 c flour
1/2 c wheat flour (I used barley flour as I didn't have wheat flour. JH)
3/4 c brown sugar
4 tsp baking powder
1tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/4 tsp ground allspice
1/8 tsp ground cloves
1/8 tsp salt
1 1/2 c canned pumpkin (pure pumpkin)
1 c milk
1/4 c applesauce (or vegetable oil)
3 eggs
1 tsp vanilla

Directions
Combine dry ingredients in a large bowl. I know there is a lot of ingredients but it is SO worth it! Once all those spices get in the bowl just take a sniff and smile. Smells like pumpkin pie! (You can use more or less wheat flour depending on your preference.)

Add remaining ingredients and mix until just blended. Do not over mix - just until blended. I use applesauce but you can sub in vegetable oil if you prefer.

Pour about 1/3 cup of batter onto a lightly butter skillet. Cook over medium heat until pancakes are lightly browned on the bottom. Turn and cook until done.

A scare for Rusty and us

2011-11-05T17:41:00.000+02:00

Our old boy Rusty is a clumsy cat. He's always been clumsy and last night was no exception. He went to sleep up on top of the coat rack in the cat bed we put up there for him (and his ^^brother^^). When he woke up and hopped down, we heard a scrabbling noise, a ker-thunk and a horrible hiss and then Rusty yowled painfully. Mr Siili and I were up and heading to the hallway halfway through all of this commotion. We didn't want to run in there to loudly and quickly because if the cat is truly hurt on top of being panicked, he might run and hurt himself more. I turn the hallway light on and see Rust huddled next to my purse (the one pictured below), still whining and acting as if he is in pain.

As I go to gently pick Rusty up, I see he is tangled in my bag. I thought at first he just had the strap twisted around, but as I carefully move things, I see his foot is caught in the little clip on my bag.

As he jumped down to the chest of drawers, one of his toes on his left back paw got caught in the small part of the clip. It took two tries to get the clip off my bag so I could bring Rusty into my lap. Mr Siili says I became panicked at that point, which I don't feel I did. But thinking back on it, maybe my voice did become panicked, but I didn't stop carefully and semi-confidently moving. I tried to push the clip along Rusty's toe to get it in the bigger end, but it must have hurt or startled him because he yowled and struggled to get away. I caught him and kept him in my arms, but not without incurring a nice long 3-4 inch scratch on my inner thigh. After a couple more failed attempts, I just quickly pushed the clip and made it come off.

I put Rusty on the floor and Mr Siili and I huddled around him petting him. Mansi was scared too and had her tail poofed up something fierce. She calmed down and sniffed and licked her brother. Rusty wasn't happy about any of it. He went to the kitchen and ate, a lot. It's what he does when he's been traumatized.

After he ate a bit, I scooped him up and brought him into the living room to watch TV with us. He stayed on my lap for an entire show! At which point Mansi decided she had to be in the same lap as her big brother (she's a very social kitty). Big brother doesn't like sharing his lap, so he left.

Mr Siili and I were so scared something terribly bad had happened to our boy, but we were relieved it wasn't anything more than a quick fix and a scare. We are once again reminded of our clutzy kitty and that we should keep the chest of drawers clear of clutter for him.

Here's my boy getting some "mama-love". He may look a bit annoyed, but I assure you he's purring away as happy as can be.

You Are Beautiful!

2011-11-04T00:17:00.000+02:00

Sometimes I struggle with feeling pretty, on the outside. And that's how I've been feeling lately. I'm not even sure I can describe what it is I feel or think when I feel this way, but, here it goes...

I know I'm not un-pretty or unattractive, but I just don't see myself as pretty or beautiful. At least not in the sense of the girl you see walking down the street that has her make-up and hair done so perfectly and you know every guy looks (twice) at her! I want to feel that way, but I rarely do. It isn't like I have any disfiguring scars, discolorations, extra body parts or even excess facial hair. I have a normal face. When I look in the mirror, I wonder what it is that my husband sees, because I sure don't see it. I see a face that is, well, just a face.

I like my eyes. They are green, most of the time. I also like my nose, with its piercing. The piercing is essential. Actually, I've often done a double take of myself in the mirror if my nose ring is out (very very rarely). I just don't recognize myself without it. I've accepted my my slightly crooked teeth. My face is not unpleasant to look at, but I don't think it is anything special either. Most days, I just don't see anything spectacular about it.

I was going to drag my body in on this, but this isn't really about my body. For the most part, I'm happy with my body. And the bits I'm not happy about, I know that if I get myself (more) motivated and step foot in the gym a few more times a week, those issues will take care of themselves.

I'm not writing this as a way to get people to tell me I'm pretty or beautiful. I'm also not fishing for compliments or praise. I'm just writing what is on my mind and how I feel at times.

And with that, I'll leave you with a couple pictures of my costume for the Halloween-party I went to last Saturday. (Halloween isn't celebrated here, at least not like in the US. It is mainly a commercial sales pitch for those who want to be like the Americans and what people have seen from TV. I can find more Halloween related stuff now than when I first moved here 12+ years ago.)

My Moose! -update

2011-11-02T16:13:00.000+02:00

Yesterday, as I walked in the door after work, I found Moose in the hallway floor. I have no doubt who the culprit was. I scooped up Moose and kept him safe the rest of the evening. When I went to bed, I snuggled with Moose next to me, instead of just having him near my pillow.

I awoke sometime at O'dark-thirty to find Mansi hunched over next to my pillow staring intently at Moose! I quickly snatched Moose back into the safety of my arms and sleepily mumbled to Mansi, "That's My Moose! Not yours. Mine." And then fell back asleep until my alarm went off.

As I left for work, I made sure Moose was safely tucked under my pillow from the Mansi-monster. I hope Moose will still be safe when I get home this evening.

Once again, in other news:
I was a goof and mixed up the time for my clinic appointment today. I totally missed it by two hours. *hanging head in shame* I make all my appointments in Finnish. And when speaking (and writing) in Finnish, it is very common to use the 24-hour system. So, I made my appointment for 14:00 (four-teen), which I then turned it around in my mind as 4 (four), which is 16:00 (Four pm). And so, I thought my appointment was at 4pm today.

This is the first time in ages I have done this! :( I know I have this number issue (and yes, I do work with numbers for a living, I still think I'm dyslexic at times) and I work very hard to clarify times when speaking in Finnish. It didn't happen this time. Thankfully the lady at the clinic was very nice and I now have my appointment scheduled for next week's Wednesday at 13:00 = 1pm.

My moose!

2011-11-01T21:12:00.000+02:00

This is my Moose. My mom knitted it and it is now mine. All mine. I sleep with Moose next to my pillow. I've slept this way every since I've gotten back from her memorial at the end of June.

This is Mansi. She is our 2 year old girl cat. Dont' let her cute and coy looks fools you. She's a terror to all toys and things that give her lip. She has been telling us that Moose is taunting and teasing her and that is why she keeps dragging Moose into other rooms to play with him. This does not make me happy, because Moose is all mine.

This is Rusty. Rusty is our 10.5 year old boy cat. He has nothing to do with this story, but he's so beautiful against this green blanket that I just couldn't resist sharing a picture of him.

The End.

In other news, I have an appointment with my clinic tomorrow afternoon in what I hope is the kick of to IVF #3.

End of ICLW and the work week

2011-10-28T07:51:00.002+03:00

Friday is finally here! Saying "finally" makes it sound as if this has been a long week, when in reality, the days (and weeks) sure do seem to go by quite fast. I mean, it has been a bit busy at work this week, but still, it seems strange that Friday is here already.

-On Monday and Tuesday, we had internal auditing. Joy, oh, joy. I went to the gym for BodyBalance and BodyCombat.

-Tuesday I called the doctor to get a UTI prescription. (I think the meds are helping, but I still have pain every once in a while.)

-Wednesday, we had a going away lunch for a guy at work. His last day is Friday. I could say I'll be sad to see him go, but honestly this guy bugs the living day lights out of me. It isn't really so much of what he does or what he says, but just him. The whole package of himself. It will be different with him not there.

-Thursday, I went in to work a bit late because I needed to head to the bank in the morning. Banks are only open Monday-Friday 10am-4pm. Do you know how hard it is to get to the bank when you work? Sure, I can take time off, but often times the banks want you to do your business at the branch you opened your account at. Thankfully it only took me 20 min to withdraw money from one account (that no longer has net access, I didn't want to be charged the monthly fees), walk across the street to the other bank and deposit my money there. And I only had to wait 2 min for the bus to show up. Yay!

-Today, not much in the way of plans. I really should go to the gym today. We'll see if I'm still feeling UTI-ish or not.

-Saturday I have a costume part to attend. I'm not sure if I'll dress up as a black cat or fallen angel.
What do you think? Which one should I dress up as?

ICLW is wrapping up today. I haven't been the bestest about commenting this month, but I have posted most of the required amounts. I wonder if that is why I haven't received so many comments this week? In any case, just because ICLW is over, I don't stop commenting.

I hope your ICLW has been a good one. Did you find any new blogs to follow? Learn something new?
edited to add: I called the doctor because I was/am still feeling UTI-ish. He's called in a prescription for me and I'll pick it up after work.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-10-26T08:00:00.002+03:00

Well, mostly wordless....

Our house (middle, left half) as of Oct. 16

When 2 hands aren't enough & proof that I changed my own tires on Sunday.

Mr Siili & I a few weeks back

A beautiful fall day (same day as above picture)

Why I bring random boxes home...

...easiest cat trap in the world.

little christmas dress, new winter tires and sex

2011-10-25T00:14:00.000+03:00

What do the three of these items have in common? They are things that pertained to my weekend.

First, 'little christmas' in Finnish is pikkujoulu and it is what all the holiday parties are called before xmas. My work has their pikkujoulu mid-November and I was just planning on wearing the same little black dress that I wore last year, except I'd change the belt and tights. And if I didn't feel like wearing that, I always have the black floor length skirt from my wedding dress. But I'd need to find a top for it. I was in major luck on Saturday though. I went to the near by second had store (as if I really needed to be going there when I'd just managed to get rid of a bunch of stuff, that is besides the point) and found a very cute and stylish black dress for 1€. That's right, one euro for a cute dress and it fits!

Fall is here (that's an understatement) and winter is just around the corner. (It's surprising that we haven't had any snow here yet.) As such, winter tires are going to be needed very soon. That's all find and dandy, except my spare set of tires have always been stored at my in-laws, which is 1,5 hours away. And when it is poor road conditions, one doesn't want to drive with the wrong type of tires. Also, this year I needed new winter tires. I've never bought tires before and had/have no clue what is good or bad. I asked my father in-law what he recommended and he said he'd look and get back to me. He came back with a deal of 300€ for a full set of new(ly refurbished) tires plus the mounting and balancing on the rims. When I asked him where this deal was at, he said in his town, but that he'd get them all set up for me. How sweet is that?!?! So, anyway, I set up a time with my mother-in-law to show up on Sunday afternoon to get my tires swapped from summer to winter. I even changed the tires myself, with only a bit of guy muscle. Thank you Mr Siili and Father-in-Law! I'll have to get the pictures to prove it uploaded soon.

What I didn't mention, especially to Mr Siili, was that the front driver tire that got punctured by a screw this summer hasn't been holding its pressure to well lately. Hence another reason I was so eager to get my tires swapped. Also, Lydia is my car and my responsibility and Mr Siili wants nothing to do with it, but if he has to do something with it, I never hear the end of it. So, I knew that by getting new tires (without his help or knowledge), setting up to get them swapped (even though he did come for the journey and helped. I love him!) would get me brownie points. *big grin* And it was only as we were changing the tires, that I told his father about the leaky tire. *bigger grin* I'll be buying new summer tires come spring...

And the 3rd item on my list is sex. TTC our first kid for 3 years sure can take the sexiness out of sex at times. I know that around the 1,5 or 2 year marker Mr Siili did get quite upset and told me that at times he felt like I only wanted to have sex with him when it was time to try for a baby. While on some levels that was true, I didn't like it. Mr Siili and I have almost always had a great sex life. I decided that I'd make the effort to engage in playfulness, flirting and sex with my husband outside of the times when it was potentially possible to get pregnant. I also felt that once we started doing IF treatments, the times of "when" we could get pregnant were quite clearly defined, so we had all of the other times to play. It's still difficult at times to make sex what it used to be and what we want it to be, but all the hard work definitely pays off. *wicked grin*

All in all, it was a good weekend!

October ICLW

2011-10-22T19:30:00.000+03:00

Welcome to another round of ICLW. Can you believe it is October already! And it's two-thirds of the way over at that! Where has this year gone?! Wait, I know that answer: IVF #2, FET #1, summer break (from medical help TTC), a work trip to Shanghai, FET #2 and now waiting for IVF #2 starting next month.

I was thinking what I could say about myself for an ICLW intro that I haven't said before here, here or here and I think I've got it! Here are some of my hopes and dreams that I want for myself.

At the top of my list:
- Get pregnant (and have a child or possibly even children).

And in no particular order:
- Learn a new language. I speak Finnish and remember some words/phrases in Spanish. I think I'd like to learn Russian or Chinese.

- Travel more. I still need to visit Scotland, Egypt, Hungary and China for a second time.

- Learn to knit as well as my mom did. I know that means I need to just pick up the needles and try some patterns, but I haven't gotten there yet. For now, I'm just wearing the hats and scarves she made.

- Build an even better relationship with my husband, Mr Siili.

- Continue practicing Taekwon-do. I loved doing it, but with going to fertility treatments, I was concerned about hits and kicks to the stomach, so I've stopped for now. I will take it up again someday.

- Open my own coffee house / used bookstore. I think this will most likely stay unrealized, but that's ok, it sure is fun dreaming about it.

What is one of your hopes or dreams?

It has taken me over 24 hours to write this post. I started yesterday while I was at work and just didn't have time. By the time I got home from work, I was too tired to get on the computer and today (Saturday), I spent my morning trying to not get up and go take care of my friend's two cats, then at the thrift store buying 9 items of clothing for 9€ and finally Mr Siili and I watched some tv shows, which leads me to just now, at 7:30 pm, to just finishing up this post. Life just gets in the way sometimes, but that is ok, most of the time.

Oh For Fucks Sake Friday - Oct 21st

2011-10-21T07:30:00.004+03:00

Sarah over at Dear Baby G has started FFS Fridays. And being that "For Fucks Sake" is my favorite swear word-combo, I just had to join in.

Without further ado, here are some things that have chapped my hide this week.

- Spotting. Do I need to really explain this one? Anyone who is TTC doesn't want to see this! Yet, it seems to happen month in and month out. I hate spotting. FFS

- I thought maybe the BFN late Friday night was too early to test, so I tested again Sunday night, with the same results. FFS

- I'm stupid-upset-raging-crying-hormonal and Mr Siili sees fit to pay more attention to his game Eve Online than me on Tuesday evening. So, I cried. And when I started crying, I thought about my mom, and how I still wasn't pregnant and how I hate my life and and and... FFS

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
-Albert Einstein

- Yup, that's why I tested a 3rd time Wednesday morning. As if the first two BFN weren't enough. FFS

- I get to work Wednes-morning and AF arrived in full force with vengeance and bad cramps. Not sure what I did to deserve that, but it happened. This day just wasn't being nice to me. After lunch I was hunched over my desk in pain, the big boss walked by and asked how I was. I told her "in pain because of cramps" and started crying. I cried in her office for a while, but at least I felt a bit better afterward. FFS

- I was so busy getting ready for work this morning and thinking about my friend's cats that I need to check on before work that I forgot to put my rings on!! I never forget to put my rings on! My fingers are now naked for the day. FFS

- I also forgot my work keys at home and had to return and get them after taking care of the cats. So, I was later at work that I wanted to be. FFS

So, what are your FFS Friday gripes?

Creme de la Creme 2011

2011-10-20T23:50:00.001+03:00

The 6th Annual Creme de la Creme list has opened today for submissions!
I've submitted my best* post for 2011, have you?

This will be my first year participating in Mel's (over at Stirrup Queens) Creme de la Creme. What exactly is this list, you ask? As Mel put it so well on her announcement post:

...we all have a best post tucked into our archives. We all have words that have moved another person or ideas that have kicked off a series of musings. Bloggers are writers, and all of us deserve to be celebrated.

So there you go, we're celebrating everyone's best post for the year 2011 from the ALI community. That includes you! Click on over and submit what you feel is your best post this year (after you have read the rules).

The Best of the Adoption/Loss/Infertility Blogs of 2011

*Best is a relative term. It's what you think is your best post up to this point in 2011. The criteria for making it a best post is up to you. I chose mine because when I think of it, I really put myself into it and I think it was well written. Someone else might choose a post that (for example) received a lot of comments, showed who they really are, was beautifully written or any numerous other reasons that makes a post your best.

p.s. I even donated a couple of the prizes!!
Below are some examples of the items I donated: booksmarks, glass jewelry and keychain / phone charms. (These are some examples and may not be the exact items for the prize.)

CD1 with the Witch of the West

2011-10-19T22:25:00.000+03:00

Today marks CD1 of Cycle #41.

I've had telltale signs that the Witch of the West (AF) was on her way since last Friday or Saturday, but she didn't show up until today. And man oh man was she Wicked! AF arrived mid-morning and by lunch time I was all but doubled over in pain. I took 2 pain killers after lunch and sat at my desk hunched over trying to get some work done. I know I looked miserable, as I had all day, but my big boss walked by and asked if I was ok. I whisper-talked and said I had cramps and that I was in pain, a lot of pain and then I started crying. She asked me into her office (which is conveniently behind my desk) and there I cried more and we talked. I do have to say that after a big hug, some more crying and talking I have felt better the rest of the day. Not 100% better, but better than I was before it all. The pain killers finally kicked in too!

I know I've been quite hormonal these last few days. It hasn't been pleasant waiting for the Wicked Witch to make her appearance. After testing late Friday night and again on Sunday night, both BFN, I knew for sure she was on her way. I also was stupid enough to waste a 3rd test this morning, because AF hadn't shown, just yet. The only comfort I have in testing was that they were dollar store cheapies from the US instead of the more expensive ones from Finland.

I called the clinic to set up my next appointment to get IVF round #3 started. I believe we will be doing a long protocol cycle (antagonist?) and retrieval/transfer will be week 50 (the week before xmas). I'll be seeing the doctors next time in 2 weeks from now at the beginning of November. Let's see what happens.

In other news, I decided this last week that I need to get back into the habit of going to the gym again. I've been so lazy the last several months (4 months or so) and I think it shows. I don't like the little tummy pouch and love handles that I have at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm overweight or fat, but I definitely could be more trim and fit. Losing a couple of kilos or centimeters from the waist in the process would be great. I know it is possible to get my tummy into the shape I want and enough to see the muscles move when I flex a bit or do a belly roll/side twist-stretch.

To help me with going to the gym more and also so I don't have an excuse to not go to the gym as often, I've asked Mr Siili if he would take a more active in food shopping and preparation. Quite often when I go to the gym, I don't have time to go food shopping before the stores close. And if we don't have food, I feel the need to go food shopping before the gym and I then lose out on the gym. So, if Mr Siili will help me, I can go to the gym more! Mr Siili will also benefit by my hard work too as I know he liked it when my tummy was in a better shape. Me too!

A good think that happened today was our work team event. We went to dinner at the Wild Boar and then glow-in-the-dark bowling. It was a lot of laughs with a good group of people. I also drank 2 ciders! Yes, I had alcohol! And no one said a thing about me having a drink (I guess it is usually when a woman doesn't drink that it gets questions though, eh?), although I am sure my former Team Leader knew what was up. It definitely was a good evening and let me forget my worries and hormones for awhile.

Opposite of Squeeee!!

2011-10-16T16:43:00.000+03:00

What's the opposite of Squeeee? Anti-Squeee? Or maybe it's Un-Squeee? In any case, the emotion that is the opposite of Squeeee is just sadness and bleh.

Friday during the day, I had a spot of very light pink/brown discharge on my undies and on the toilet paper, once. I decided I couldn't wait until Saturday morning, so I POAS'd late late Friday night and got a BFN. I stopped using the progesterone suppositories because I figured AF would be on her way soon and I was really sick of the suppositories. It was very nice to go all day Saturday without anything leaking from me! So much so, I even thought of trying to get Mr Siili in the sack with me for a bit of wiggling. It didn't work, but that was ok. I just had a very lazy day instead and read a book, most of it while I was in bed. I did go out in the evening with some girls from work. We played pool and then had dinner. It was an enjoyable evening. I think I had maybe 1 or two tiny, almost non-existant AF spots during the day, so I really thought AF was on her way.

By the time I woke up and stopped reading in bed on Sunday, AF still wasn't here, I decided maybe I should still be using the suppositories. Maybe it was too early to test on Friday night. In went the suppository and out came leakage tinged pink/brown and nothing else. And now, here is is Sunday late afternoon, and still no AF. I'm not sure what to make of it all, except that I feel like I am in limbo and I am progressing into a sad state of mind.

I don't know how much longer I can take this month after month of disappointment. Yet, I fear (know?) if I don't continue, I'll never get to my goal of pregnancy and an eventual baby/child. Infertility sucks! I feel alone, even if I rationally know it isn't true.

I still have a couple more days before Wednesday, which is the day the clinic says I can test, so we'll see, but I am NOT hopeful at all. To top it all off, my neck decided to spasm and kink yesterday just before I went out. Now it is stiff and hurts, again! I'm going to continue reading now.

Friday 5: Out of place

2011-10-14T21:51:00.001+03:00

This week's Friday 5 intrigued me and I think it'll be fun. It also reminded me of the Sesame Street song "One of these things is not like the others". Anyone remember that?

1. What non-food items are in your refrigerator or freezer?
In the fridge we I have progesterone supositories and in the freezer we have a cold pack for sprains and injuries.

2. What non-book items are on your bookshelves?
Some knitting needles and yarn in a basket and some craft supplies.

3. What song or album in your music collection doesn’t fit in with your usual tastes?

I listen to quite a range of music and don't generally limit myself to one type of music. If the lyrics, tune or feeling of a song grab me, then I like it even if I don't like the rest of the songs in an album or by an artist. But, I think the stuff that surprises most people about me is the industrial rock or heavy metal music I listen to and love. I remember the time I told a couple of guys at school that I really loved Machines of Loving Grace. Their eyes just about bugged out of their heads. Tee hee!! The song, Butterfly Wings is probably my all time favorite! The tune and especially lyrics just get me.
I also have a few albums of Kotiteollisuus. They are a Finnish heavy metal band, but I really like a few of their songs, such as Minä Olen (I Am) and Kevät (Spring).

4. What item in your wardrobe really doesn’t match anything else?
I recently took a bunch of stuff to the thrift store, so most of what didn't match is now gone and the rest of it is costume clothes (they match anything!). Maybe it would be the silky-stretchy-skin-tight white shirt that is way too short with black dragons on it. I have maybe worn it once about 15 years ago, but I just can't seem to part with it. It has recently made its way into my sewing box to be up-cycled into something else.

5. What scar on your body did you receive in the unlikeliest of ways?
I think this is a tie between two scars: the bump on my inner right wrist and the scar on the top of my left foot just behind my middle toe.
The bump on my wrist happened one evening at Taekwon-do practice a year or so ago. I was holding the mitsi (er, the kicking/punch pad) for my partner to kick and she kicked to far over the thing and her big toe hit my wrist. It must have broke the blood vessel as it started turning color and itching immediately! I had a beautiful bruise for a week or so and then a bump.
The scar on top of my left foot happened many years ago. I must have been 18 or 19 at the time. My ex and I were heading out to the sand dunes where there is a fresh water lake. On our way there, I stepped on a stick with my right foot and kicked my left foot into the end of the stick, causing said stick to protrude out of my foot. It hurt so freaking bad that I started laughing. And each time my ex's hand came anywhere near my food, I panicked and laughed more. Yes, I laugh under stress and pain. I finally pulled the stick and bits out on my own because I couldn't handle the thought of him touching it.

Squeeee!!

2011-10-13T21:09:00.000+03:00

Things that make me happy right now: I have 34 followers!! It's Thursday evening and tomorrow is Friday. At work tomorrow we have an ice cream social-event (organized by me). And I still haven't tested (8dpt3dt).

On a different note: I've been so bad lately about replying to comments. I love every single one of them! My plan is to reply to them this evening (it is after 9pm already), if I don't fall asleep first.

7dpt with 3 day embryo

2011-10-13T00:12:00.002+03:00

Everything seems to be a bit brighter and easier for the last few days. I'm "blaming" it on the girls brunch out on Sunday. I definitely feel better after talking to them and just hanging out. I hope we can do it a bit more often.

Today is 7dpt with a 3 day embryo. But I wonder, because it was frozen, does that mean it is now a 4 day embryo? I did think about testing this morning, but I didn't. I just didn't feel like putting a possible damper on this decent mood I've been having. And in any case, the doctor told me to wait until next week's Wednesday to test. That's a-whole-nother week away! I'm not sure I can wait that long, but let's see what happens. I do suspect AF will show this weekend (unless I do happen to be pregnant), as this has been a natural cycle and my natural cycle should end this weekend.

I've been thinking of "a day in the life of me" via photos for a little while. And that is what I did that today. The pictures are taken with my ZTE Blade phone-camera, so many are not of the best quality, but I like the way they have turned out anyway. I hope you enjoy!

Good Morning! A promising beautiful autumn morning.

Mansi (and Rusty, not shown) is watching for birdies in the bedroom.

Rusty needing a bit of mama-love before she heads to work. (Notice I have one sock on, one sock off.)

Leaves frozen on the roof of my car this morning. First freeze of the year in my town. Brr!

This photo was an accident, but I love how it turned out anyway. Behind the wheel, and no, the car isn't on yet.

Waiting for my chiropractor. I've been going to this same guy for 13 years now, I love him!

My work space. I know it's very blurry, but it looks cool! Plus, I can't be sharing an work secrets now, can I?

After work I checked the air pressure in Lydia's (my car) tires. See her red spot? I love her red spot. I should blog about it how Lydia got her spot.

After purchasing a couple of new post stamps at the post office, I wandered around the crap-shop to see if there was anything new. There was a mix of Halloween and Xmas (front right). I didn't spend a cent! So proud of myself.

Pizzer for dinner! Unfortunately, both Mr Siili and I were disappointed in the new pizzas we tried this evening. :(

Rusty almost always greets and talks to me when I get home in the evening. Tonight was no exception, except for what he was talking about: holes in his (food) bowls. It is a serious matter and offense if there is a hole in his bowl, much less both bowls. Here is Mr Siili remeding the problem while I am trying to "set-up" a photo shoot about it (in his words). LOL

And now for a bit more Jasmine green tea and a bit of reading, then it's off to beddy-bye. (See my pj pants and Shanghai hotel slipper? *grin*)

Brunch with my girl friends

2011-10-09T20:45:00.000+03:00

Lately, I've been having a rough time with life, missing my mom and how long it is taking to get pregnant. You can see some of this in two of my recent posts: here and a little bit here. About a week ago, I decided I couldn't handle keeping all of my thoughts and emotions to myself (and Mr Siili) anymore. I am a social person and I haven't been talking much or sharing much with my girl friends. Sure, I've told them about the good times and the happy times and a little bit about my sad times, but not nearly enough of it all. So, I sent an email to my closest 4 girl friends and asked if they had time to meet up sometime in the near future. Lo and behold, we (4 out of 5 of us) managed a Sunday brunch get-together in under a week!! I sent the first email Tuesday night at 10:51pm and today we met. That almost never happens! I feel much better after today's gab session, even if we did cry a bit.

We enjoyed an amazing buffet brunch with the sun shining on us.The food was plentiful and yummy. I had 2 huge plates of food (fruits galore, meat, mashed & wedged potatoes, mushrooms, olives, shrimp, crawdads, sun-dried tomatoes, etc) and a slice of cheese cake and carrot cake for dessert. (It's now 8pm and I'm still not really hungry.) While we ate and for a while after, we caught up on each others' lives. All the good stuff, first. Before I could get my courage up and truly say what I needed to say, one friend had to leave, as she lives in another town. I was very glad that she joined us, but I'll have to talk with her more at a later date!

Then when it was just the 3 of us, the talk turned to a bit more serious note. That's when I felt it was time to let them know how I've really been feeling lately. I told them that I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I need my friends and I need my friends to be there for me, as I want to be there for them. My friends are my (chosen) family, especially when my blood family is half a world away.

These two friends of mine not only listened to what I was saying, but they understood what I was trying to get across! It wasn't just me pouring out my heart ache and sorrow and a bit of happiness too, but they shared their aches and pains also. It went to show, like it has been coming more apparent to me lately, that we as humans all have these burdens that we either feel aren't worth it to share with others or we don't want to make our burden someone else's burden. Some of the things my friends shared just broke my heart, but I am better for knowing that they put enough trust in me and our friendship to share. I also feel lighter for having shared my own sorrows. I truly hope we can continue in this vein and call on each other when we need it most.

Today was a perfect autumn day: a chill in the air, sun, friends, food and chat.

Flea market stuff

2011-10-07T18:08:00.000+03:00

I'm a pack-rat. I've been a pack-rat all my life, so my mom has told me so. I've never denied it either. I like to keep things for the memories attached to them. I also like shiny little things with which I just might need for that craft project some day down the road. However, I have learned to curb my desire and the necessity for junk I might need, or not, someday. For the most part these days, I do pretty good about passing it all up, mostly. I don't think I'll ever be able to get rid of the pack-rat tendencies fully, but I am definitely much better than when I was younger.

In my desire to get rid of a bunch of the stuff I don't need around our house, I've been collecting it in our downstairs storage area for the last, oooh...5 or so years. This summer I brought it all back up stairs and into our kitchen with the intent of taking it to a tailgate sale or an outdoor summer flea market, but I never got my lazy butt in gear and now summer is over and it just isn't feasible to try that outside. I also thought about taking all our junk to an indoor flea market, where someone owns the store and individuals just rent a space for a week or two. After a lot of wishy-washy indecision on my part, I finally decided last weekend that I just can't be bothered with that either. So, next Saturday (tomorrow) I am going to take all of the stuff that ~~we've~~ I've gathered over the years to either UFF or The Salvation Army.

Most all of this stuff I am more than happy to get rid of. I haven't used it in years and I am very sure I won't be using it again. Mr Siili will also be happy that I've finally gotten rid of some stuff. Especially now that it has been sitting in our kitchen this entire summer. *big grin* It will also feel great to be lighter (with less junk) and fully have my kitchen back. But, there are a few things I'm having troubles parting with. There are some jeans that are BRAND new! Seriously. Mr Siili bought some jeans (from the US) and then once we got home (in Finland) decided he didn't like how they fit and he wasn't going to wear them. There has got to be somewhere I can take them to get a bit of money out of them. There is also some pants and jackets that my mom and stepmom made for me one year for xmas. I helped choose the material and patterns and they made them. I unfortunately, just never really wore them. Even before my mom died, I was having a hard time with the thought of getting rid of them. But now that she is gone, it's even harder. What do I do with them?! Logically, I know I don't want to keep them, but sentimentally I'm having a hard time with it.

Thursday Thoughts

2011-10-07T00:55:00.001+03:00

Lots of little things to blether about today.

- Steve Jobs died last night. While I didn't know him and I don't own any Apple products, it is sad. I am especially sad for Mel's son Wolvog, as I know Steve Jobs was his hero.

- I bought some blackberries, raspberries, blueberries and a pomegranate today.

- I told my team leader at work that if this cycle doesn't work out, I'd be doing another round of IVF and most likely need week 50 off. And even if it can't be worked out for me to officially take the last week of my summer holiday, I'd be taking that week off against my own hours, with a doctor's note. (Legal to be off work with the dr's note, but work doesn't have to pay me.) I also told her how I'm having a hard time right now, with my mom's death and IF all mixed into one big ugly thing. I cried a bit and she hugged me. I like my team leader and I'm sad she'll be another team's leader for some time.

- Today I bought Red Hot Chili Peppers' newest album "I'm With You". I ♥ RHCP!!

- I started using progesterone capsules last night and sheesh, they are messy! Either that or I'm not inserting them correctly. I've previously used a synthetic progesterone called Lugesterone. It had a capsule-shell and made insertion a bit easier, but I was allergic to it and the white creamy stuff that leaked out of me was hideous! At least now it is mostly just wet..but way too much! I hope it'll get better as time goes on. LOL, yeah, right!

- I grumped at Mr Siili a bit when I got home because he didn't get off the computer to come greet me. I'm sometimes jealous of the time he spends on his computer games.

- I talked to my dad this evening. He was sitting in the woods, with his brother and a friend waiting for the deer to walk by so they could shoot one (several?) and go home. I wish him luck and safety! I also told him how much I've been missing my mom lately. I love my dad!

- I also talked to my sister this evening. She got a bit upset when I tried to be the big sister and be concerned about her getting a job and being able to pay her bills. I told her I care about her and I worry about her. I just want the best for her and I know she can do more, if she wants to. We both miss our mom. We also tried talking via Skype on both of our phones, it worked! I hope we'll chat more often, for free! I love my sister.

- I tried calling my brother, but he must be at work. I worry about him too. I love my brother.

- I didn't call my youngest brother, as he's probably in school. Nor did I try to call my stepmom. I not entirely sure she really meant that the past was the past and that she isn't mad/upset at me anymore. I'm not mad at her, I just want to talk to her. I love them too.

- Today was an ok day and tomorrow is Friday!!

- I'm going to meet up with some girl friends on Sunday for brunch downtown. I really need the girl-time. I'm also going to let them know how rough things have been for me lately. I'll take plenty of tissues for all of us.

Thanks for reading my blethering.

FET is a go!

2011-10-05T13:14:00.002+03:00

As I was on my way to the chiro this morning, I got a call from the clinic. They called me! (That isn't so common here, at least not for me.) The lady told me that she has good news: my embryo survived thawing. I have no idea how many cells it is or any other details, but I don't really care at the moment.
I am now in the waiting room with a full bladder. I'll update this after the transfer and I go pee.

Update:
The transfer went well. My 8-cell embryo didn't lose any cells during the thaw! Woohoo! It's a great start already. *big grin*

My bladder was sufficiently full. I've actually never had any problems with that, even the time I forgot to have a full bladder and madly drank water while waiting for my turn. The catheter-thing to direct the embryo to my uterine lining was not pleasant at all this time! It's never "nice", but this time it really pinched and was painful. But once the doctor got it into place though, it wasn't as bad, just a constant pinch and nothing I couldn't handle for the short amount of time. I was in (the procedure room) and out in about 10 minutes.

Now it's just time to wait to test in 2 weeks. I am really going to try and hold off on testing. LOL. Let's see how I feel closer to the date.

If this doesn't result in a BFP, I'll start a long protocol IVF #3 with ICSI at the beginning of November.

FET tomorrow

2011-10-04T22:47:00.000+03:00

Tomorrow is the scheduled date for my FET for the last lonely (ok quality) embryo, if it survives the thaw that is. I don't think the clinic will call me if it survives the thaw or not. Most likely, I'll just be told if the transfer is a go or not when I call in the morning to find out the more exact time of when I'm supposed to head into the clinic.

I also have a chiropractor's appointment in the morning. My neck has been locked up and hurting something fierce lately (since while I was in Shanghai) and it just won't quit. I love my chiro! On a side note, I have read that it has been beneficial to many women to go to acupuncture before and after an IUI, IVF or FET treatment. I wonder if the same could be had with going to a chiropractor? At least, I know I feel wonderful after my chiro appointments. My whole body just feels lighter and un-locked.

Let's see how tomorrow goes...